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Only a court order can stop child support.  The child support office cannot do anything without one. 

I would not record any of the conversations between your son and his father. I interpret the order to mean that it is forbidden that you do so and from what I hear doing so will make a judge very unhappy.


The key phrase in your order is reasonable phone calls and you can use that to your advantage.  First of all you have 50/50 custody and I personally see 3 times a week as very reasonable.  Basically I would do Monday/Wednesday/and Friday....your weekends are yours....he needs to get over that.


Now considering the fact that your son is often upset after the calls my advice would be to email your ex and let him know that while you do not know what the conversations are about your son seems to be very upset after his calls.  Try to be polite and put it in a manner that you are just making him aware of this. You want what is best for your son and you thought he should be informed.  Now one of two things will happen.  He will get the hint and tone it down during the conversation (very unlikely) or he will explode and probably cuss you out via email.   If he replies nasty let him know that you will limit the calls to Monday and Wednesday if your son keeps being repeatedly upset during his call.  Two times a week is still very reasonable considering the hostility and you even have documentation of his refusal to work with you.  However no matter what rule you set....if your son asks to call his dad....always let him (I am sure you already do this)


On the right of first refusal I would file a motion for contempt stating that your Ex has violated it. In court he will have to provide his work schedule and explain why he did not follow the order.  I am not sure if the court will require him to submit to you his work schedule but you will know when he is violating the order.  He will eventually start doing things the right way or he could lose his 50/50 custody arrangement.  One thing the courts take seriously (at least in my state) is that both parent work on having the child spend as much time with both parents as possible.  Once a parent interferes with that it could look unfavorably in court.


Also, no matter who the person is you get right of first refusal per the order.  He can not take the child to anyone else unless you state you cannot take your son.  If he does do that he will have to show proof that you agreed to it.

If at any time the custody arrangement is where you have more than 50/50 then all you would need to do is file for modification and ask for child support.  Since the custody has been changed that would fall under a change in circumstance.

High conflict people above all else love confrontation and conflict......but they are also cowards too.  They love the confrontation as long as it is on their terms and they set the rules.  Now I don't know your ex but I am betting he is trying to call your bluff.  He may be counting on the fact that the threat of him showing up will be just enough to scare you into doing what he wants.


But I highly doubt he shows up at your home.  Once he does that he is threatening the home of someone else and your BF will be in the right to defend himself and his home.  I am not saying that your BF will resort to violence or anything like that and of course I would not recommend it.  However this is a situation your ex cannot control and he does not want to cross the line.  This type of power must be yanked from him.


You can just ignore him if he rings the bell.  If he will not relent and if your BF is willing have him answer the door and he can politely ask your ex to leave his property.  If he refuses than he can state that he will then call the police.  There is nothing in the order that says your ex has the right to do what he is threatening and then you will have a police report to go with all the other things he has done......another option is that you go to the door and tell him to leave and if he does not then you will call the police.  If he continues to threaten then you just call the police.   The reason I suggested BF answer the door is because while all of this is happening you can be distracting your son because I can assure you if he actually does show he will make a loud enough ruckus so your son hears him so he can claim later that you were trying to keep your son from him.


Bottom line is this.  You and your BF have a right to be happy and your ex does not get to dictate the terms of that happiness.  You have to show him that neither of you are concerned about his threats and you will live your lives how you see fit.  It is a united front that will deter him.  Sure he may keep with the emails and texts but he will now know that face to face he will just be shrugged off.   As stupid as this may sound your ex may have it in his twisted mind that your BF is afraid of him.  He uses the fact that you are outside with your son during visitation.  As stupid as it may sound I have an ex that has that same thought process.  Once we put an end to that nonsense she only sits and stews about it but does not utter a word about it.

Yes you can tell him that he his not allowed on the property.  Someone else's name on the deed has nothing to do with it.  You are a resident of the home and therefore have the rights as a resident.

I would simply tell your ex that if he shows up you will not answer the door and will call the police as soon as he shows up because you will consider that a threat.

Does your court order have something in it that mentions disturbing the peace? I think is standard in almost all instances where this is included.  Which is why some people show up with the constable to enforce visitation because they have a high conflict ex.

There is absolutely nothing he can do and if he pushes the issue can find himself charged with trespassing.

BeKind - First things first.....take a deep breath. It helps....I do it often...lol   I deal with the same kind of personality when it comes to my ex so I will do my best to help.


I will address each point.


1.   Take a moment and accept that no matter what you do your ex will not change.  He will always be a high conflict person. Once you accept that you will be able to deal with it a little better.  At least it worked for me.  You need to change how you communicate with him.  You need to be brief and concise in your communications. Ask simple question that will require only a simple response.  When your ex responds to your requests calling you names and attacking you....ignore it.  When you respond letting him know that it bothered you he has succeeded in his goal.  When you ignore him you take the power completely away from him.  He wants and needs the extra dialogue.  He feeds off of it.  Nothing drives a high conflict person crazy like being ignored.  When you blow off the insults and refuse to acknowledge them it will drive him nuts.  When you make a request to him and he goes on a tirade simply ignore everything and reply with a simple sentence that you are still waiting for a response to your question.


Your ex has no intention of leaving your son out of this.  I am not question his love for his child.  He is just having a hard time letting go of his anger.  He has not moved on. In situations like this one of the parents has to be responsible and try to protect the child the best they can.  In this case you appear to be that parent.  When yo have your son do not discuss anything concerning his father.  The only think you should say to your son is that is father loves him and that when your son is with you all you care about is that he is happy.  He does not need to be in grown up business and he needs to concentrate on being a kid.  This way when your son is with his Dad there is nothing that can be grilled out of him.  Never say anything negative about the father when your son is home.  Even the slightest thing can be taken as negative it does not have to be name calling or anything like that.  Your son loves you both dearly and children are a lot more intelligent than people give them credit for.  They will recognize the problem parent.....you just need to love him completely and let him know it.


2.  This is simple.  The only conflicts here are the ones you allow. If your custody arrangement is in writing you follow it to the letter if there is conflict. Plain and simple.  I agree there should be some allowance for flexibility and adults should be able to get together and have rational, respectful discussions but that is not always the case.   Keep your request short and concise.  If you can't reach an agreement state you will follow the order and end all communication.  Keep in mind that while you may want to have everything planned out your ex may not want to and you should try to respect that.  Not trying to be jerk about it but could not think of another way to put it.


The right of first refusal should not be a hard issue.  The order states you should have it and he needs to abide by it.  If he works nights then you should have your son.  If he does not comply you will need to file a motion for contempt if it is constant issue.  A few times in front of a judge on this matter will get his act together.  Too many times and he will find himself getting standard visitation and not the 50/50 as it is now.  The question that you should ask is do you feel it is a fight worth having.  Is it very often or just occaisionally?


3. If your ex plans on moving out of state it is something you both will have to deal with.  It is going to change the visitation order for sure.   Also since he is confrontational you may want to prepare yourself for a custody battle.  He will have a hard time with winning that but you need to prepare yourself.  If you feel this may be an issue you will want to really consider the contempt filings for the right of first refusal issue. 


4. While I understand giving in to prevent the conflict you have to ask yourself a very important question.  Is it in your son's best interest to constantly give in? What I mean by that is you should consider what impact your giving in will have on your son.  Arguments only happen if you allow them. An argument requires two people and if the other person is not biting than all you have is one person blowing hot air.  Also please remember that whatever goes on in your house is your business. Your ex has no say and unless it is detrimental to the welfare if your son he cannot demand anything either.  If you want to let your son spend an entire day playing Xbox one day than that is your business.  If you let your son play Xbox all day every day it could be a problem because it can affect his education because when will he do homework (I know he is only 5...thinking ahead) From what I am reading not only are you giving in you are also allowing your ex to tell you how to parent as well. 


When your son is with your ex does he have him call you every night to say goodnight?  Simple things like that make a world of difference.  He can't demand something and not do the same thing in return.


You are giving your ex control and the simple resolution to that is to just ignore him. When he tell you that you need to do this or do that.....ignore it.  When he gets mad at your lack of response....ignore that.....when he rants.....ignore that.....when he calls you names....ignore that......when he makes unreasonable requests....ignore that.........see the pattern? Replying to his negative, controlling responses give him control.  Ignoring them takes that control back.


Now.....another thing the confrontational person loves to do is make threats.  Ignore them.....a judge is not going to entertain an ex dragging you into court because they feel you let the kid play video games too much.   They are not going to listen to something so stupid as she will not have him call me every night like he asks.  All of that stuff is nonsense and judges hear that all the time.  What is most important is the welfare of the child.  As long as you take care of him there is nothing your Ex can do.


Hope this helps.

What does your divorce papers say about visitation? 

It does not matter what you ex says if you have a specific ruling. I do applaud that you guys do agree to some extent because the kids need to be with both parents.  However it seem now there seems to be like you said a lot of inconsistency.

My first step in this matter would be to say that you just go with that the divorce documents say.  Then you can sit down and hammer our a good agreement that works with both of you.  However letting your ex determine when and if he feels like seeing his kids is giving a mixed signal I think to the kids and can be very confusing.

There has to be give and take from both sides.

The new husband/stepdad cannot step in and state that all communication concerning the child must come through him.  As a matter of fact he actually has zero rights when it comes to the child.  He is the mother's husband and that is pretty much it.  While I would recommend an amicable way of communication you do not have to discuss a single thing with him.


If the order is standard then it is probably written in the order that you have a right to certain information and if requested she must comply. 


I would recommend sending a certified letter asking for the specific information you are requesting.  If the Ex does not comply then contempt charges can probably be started.  However as some will say it is wise to pick your battles.  This is something I probably would fight for because it seems the stepdad is probably going to force dad out.

Awesome Kitty!!

I bet this is a major turning point for him.  He will now get to see what life can really be like.

JT and I feel like this is a win for us. While we did not get full custody, we knew that was a long shot. What we did get is a clear warning from the judge to BM that she is willing to "remove the alienating factor" if BM can't comply.

Definately sounds like a victory to me for you guys.  From the outside looking in it seems the BM is being given just enough rope to hang herself.  It is also an opportunity for her to do right by the child but what I have noticed from personal experience people with the type of personality of the BM don't have the capability to do what is in the best interest of the child.

Completing the courses will help her become a better parent but she will have to want to do it.  If not.....she will lose big time in the end.