Messages

Chris,

I deal with this stuff all the time.  My X married a lady with a huge family.  They are wealthy and each of her parents ( they were divorced and remarried others) has huge luxurious lodges that the whole gang get together to party at.

There are ton of "cousins". I have a very small family.  I have a nice home, but no vacation homes, no ATVs etc.  That's probably casue I will be paying support for the next five years yet.  I do have sibs for my NC kids as my second hubby and I went on to have two additional kids.

After doing this stuff for 8 years I have learned from my DD that there is one cousin she especially likes.  My DD is 13 and so is the cousin. My D asked this year if she could go to thier X mas party cause this cousin would be there.  I even chatted with the girl online.  

I one upped them. I invited the "cousin" to MY house!  And her dad and the grandmother refused to let her come!  Now its on them.  These girls saw that I wanted them to have time together.  I had a plan where they could get together without my loosing any of my very precious time with my kids and the other side BLOCKED my efforts!

Now my DD sees who is the unreasonable party.  I think she is getting the idea that they are pulling her away from her family here by telling her about these social gatherings.  I gave my kids pocket calendars with all my visitation for 2006 highlighted.  I told them those highligted dates were special dates for them and for me to be together.  I told them that as members of this family they were need here when they are supposed to be here.  i told them that if anyone invited them to soemthing on a date that was highlighted they could just say, " Sorry, I already have plans with my mom for that day.  maybe another time?"

Good luck.  DOn't let them rain on your parade with you DD.

This father has the best chance at documenting all of themother's dysfunction. he is in the home with the mother and child!  I sincerely hope that he is getting some support for himself becasue to be living in the home with an active alcoholic is enough to make a sane person crazy!

He should be documenting every time his child is kept home from school.  if, fact, he should be making a visit to the school to speak with the school counselor.  he/she could be very helpful as far as seeing the child for some sessions and possibly recommending a family counselor to work with the dad and child.  The counsleor can also document the absences and anything else that may come up in counseling sessions with the child.

He needs to educate himself about custody law.  He also should do his best to retain a qualified attorney.

This seems like it could be a very stressful and unhealthy situation for the child.  Has anyone made a report to child services?  The asthma and the mother's smoking is a huge issue.

I sincerely hope that something soon happens to get the child out of the situation.  I know alcoholics who are still drinking can be scary people.  Butthe father and the grandparents need to educate themselves about exactly what htier rights are and what the mom can nad cannot do.  This child's physical and emotional health are in danger.

I am a nurse with over 25 years experience and also have worked in mental health facilities with chonic addicts/alcoholics.  In my very humble opinion, the father has every chance at getting custody of the child and should do so as soon as possible.

I know just how you feel. I am a NCP mom.  I don't think it appropriate that my DD( 12) spends an hour per day in the school bus depot waiting for her SM to finish her route instead of aftershcool program that I pay child support for. But it is not myu decision...unless something untoward happens.  Then you have a leg to stand on.  You just have to pray its nothing big.

I'm sorry buddy.  If you DD doesn't like being home alone tell her to call 011 and tell them she's scared and there's no adult with her.  The police will make a report and you can take it to court.  Then you might have a leg to stand on.

I second the other guy's advice about stepping up the move to Colorado.  It would be much easier if you were just down the street.  Then she could spend the hour with you.

I'd still push for the time she's trying to take from you.  It sounds like that lady needs to stop using all her mental energy trying to screw your DH over and get her child in order or pretty soon she's gonna be an NCM.

Holey heck

Here you are worried about two hours and you SS may be kicked out of school.  I'd start looking for a newe attorney and be ready to file a custody mod in May when school lets out based on substantial change in circumstances.  And possible neglect about the counseling.  Try to get the shool to back you up on that.  Do they have school-based mental health?  You could get them to do an eval for free to determine whether or not he needs the counseling.  Sounds like a slam dunk to me.

JoJoBear<

I will not give you the idea that you will loose your kids.  My ex has custody of mine.  I am a NCP mom.  Men do win and you have the history of having the kids with you for so long.  That status quo will work in your favor.

Is there a chance that you and your ex could work out some type of mutually acceptable paretning schedule where you share the time more equally?  If you go in front of a judge it will be a crap shoot.  If you can negotiate with her at least you still maintain some control.  It is something to think about.

Also, I would look into why the BF isn't seeing his kids.  If he is a child abuser then make an issue of it.  But if not, I implore you not to use it to your advantage now that she has sought custody.

My kids lived with DH and I from 2/98 until 11/00 without incident.  Then my ex played that "he is a danger" card to gain the upper hand in the custody battle.  I have hated the fact that he did it because he knew all about my DH's past and didn't care as long as I was providing babysitting at no cost for him whenever he wanted it.  Then when I wanted custody for school purposes to get the kids in a better school district he wasn't happy with being called a NCP and the possiblity of having to pay $$$ and went for my jugular.  He knew damn well that my kids were in no danger at all but he went to the evaluator wrigning his hands and doing the poor me routine and it worked.

Now he and SM PAS the kids and mentally and verbally abuse them.  The kids are afraid to tell anyone the truth.  At times they are so confused that they often don't know the truth from a lie.  He is never home and the SM raises the kids.  There is no reason I can't see them more often other than that he says, "no".

When we had joint custody I had the kids all the time when he worked and they were out of school.  He would send them with no breakfast and would pick them up at bedtime.  I fed them I washed their clothes and I asked for no child support.  When my first child with DH was born I asked ex to provide groceries for the older kids as Dh was working 60 to 65 hours per week as a cook.  Ex said, "you want to see them then you feed them".  We just could not afford it so I asked for minimum support.  I got $126 twice per month.  His income was about $38,000 a year att hat time.  Now he has the kids.  I am on mediacl disability.  I only get $983 per month and $150 goes for support plus $15 for arrears and he complains its not enough.  He now makes $60,000 a year.  When I worked I made 18,000 a year and paid $360 in support.  More than he paid me when he made $38,000.  He is all about the money.  I have told him that if we could do joint custody I would not seek support but he will not hear of it!

Don't think you will not get custody just because you are a man.

In all honesty I think anyone would have a hard time saying that this woman was sane.  But holy heck--who is there to protect the kids.

Many of you know that my Dh sufferes bipolar.  Without meds this kind, gentle man can become "crazy".  Paranoia and religious preoccupation are common elements of a lot of mental disorders.  However, someone should be responsible for seeing that children in such a home are safe.

People who live with mental problems should not be considered "dangerous".  That is the card my ex has played and it has worked in our case.  I do not have custody of the two children from my first marriage.  However, my DH and I have custody of the two kids we have together.  He is a wonderful fahter.  The children would be missing out on a lot if he were not in their lives.  But he is sober.  He is taking care on his illness.  And he is committed to doing whatever needs to be done in order for our family to not be distressed in anyway because of his illness.

In this case something obviously went very wrong and because of it a child is dead.  This is a tragedy to be sure.    

How truely horrible!!!  I have woker in mental health for 20 years.  Sometimes I admit that I have gotten a bit jaded.  Somethings just don't shock me like they would nurses who do other kinds of work but his on really set me on my keester!

Well siad!  I couldn't agree with you more about the legal system and the winner take all attitude.  Uncooperativeness and lack of coparenting should be severely punished.  It hurts kids.  Instead I keep hearing:  It isn't illegal to be an SOB. and things like that.  It makes my blood boil!

I also agree with you about paretns raising thier kids and not the legal sysytem.  My elder tow are being raised inthe courts because the CP dad will never compromise or even discuss anything with me.  He just goes to court everytime I question anything he does.  He doesn't feel that I have a right to make or have input into any decisions regarding the kids.  SO he goes to court.  The the judge complains that we are always in court.  Why wouldn't the judge ever think that if he gave me more time with the kids maybe I'd have some control and we wouldn't be back in court all the time.  Most of the time the judge agrees with me .

Hi Lyonsden,

I posted to you before.  I am the NCP mom who shres your procivilty to right/wrong thinking.  I understand how you feel.  I understand how hard it is to let go of the idea of "Justice".  

I wish I had found this site sooner.  I made so many mistakes because I was so stuck on doing it my way.  Now all I can do is watch my kids go down the tubes because the ex is a game player and he's good.  He has the kids an doesn't give a rat's behind about them only the control and power.  But no one cares.  As long as the kids are attending and passing school and aren't turning up at the emergency room at death's door the judge doesn't want to hear it.  So I must wait for things to become dire before I ca do anything.

Don't make the same mistakes I did.  This Custody World is different from anything most people have ever seen. There are different rules here than in the real world and if you don't play by them you will loose.  Your choice is among these:  Learn the rules and play by them, don't play by the rules and loose your kids, Don't play the game at all and just step out of it all.

Good luck to you.  I know it is hard not to take things personally but if you are in this custody world you have to grow a pretty thick skin very fast.