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Messages - backwardsbike

#321
Father's Issues / RE: getting fair treatment
Jan 11, 2005, 01:57:46 PM
Hi!  

I am in PA and can tell you that the woman does NOT always get everything.  I am an NCP mom who only gets to see her children 20% of the time.  I live only 20 minutes away.  I am a nurse and have a four year college degree in counseling and human development.  I have criminal and child abuse clearnaces.  It does happen.  Men do win custody.

So far you are oing all the right stuff.  Keep documenting.  Get close to the daycare provider.  They can give you all sorts of info if they are so inclined.  Always remember to document.  Ususally this is the key.  And one other piece of advice:  Get a barracudda of a lawyer.  Get absolutely the best certidifed family law attorney you can afford.

If you ever wantt o know more about how a mom can loose custody or if you ever want to know what NOT to do feel free to email me.  I think I must have made every mistake known to man ( or in this case-- woman).


#322
Hi Jojobear,

I am a NCP mom.  I have four children.  Two living with me full  time fro my second marriage and two from my first marriage whom I only see EOW.  When my custody problems began six years ago I hired a lawyer who had a reputation for being "fair".  She sold me out.  SHe did not look out for my interets.  She did not help me understand my situation.  She just made sympathetic noises and collected my money. After about $17,000 in legal fees the property was finally settled.  I had lost the house I designed and paid 70% of.  I was awarder all household contents but did not have the right to pack items myself.  Ex and new wife packed for me.  They kep heirloom jewlery ( my mother's engagment and wedding bands and my grandmother's diamond earings)  They said they sent them I said I didn't receive them the judge said, "sorry for your luck".  They intentionally broke many sentimental items in front of my kids then therw the pieces in a box and said, " Well, off it goes to mom's house".  They pumped the kids for information about the house I was buying and made an appointment with the realtor to see it just hours before I signed my agreement to purchase.

When the going got tough with the custody situation and I was unwilling to bend and jusr give up my lawyer quit my case and I had to find new counsel and start all over again.

The moral to this story is do not find a lawyer who thinks like you do.  I can already tell that you are good, kind christian people.  you will get nowhere being kind.  You need a really good preferably certified family law attorney.  In your favor is the status quo.  It weighs heavily but leave nothing to chance.  You absolutely CAN loose.  Your ex is already showing you that she will pull out all the stops to win.  She is attempting to buy your kids.   If by chance that doesn't work she may alienate them.  It happened to me and I had a very strong relationship with my kids through out the past five years of my six year custody ordeal.  In the year I was preparing to regain custody my ex and his wife alienated the children so badly they didn't even want to visit.

Call you state Bar Association and ask about certified family law attorneies.  Try to find one who has experience practicing before the judge who will hear your case.  Ask friends and aquaintences for referrals.  Like Soc says find someone who got hosed in a custody case.  Ask them who their ex's lawyer was and hire him.

Good luck.  You will need all the love patience and prayers you can muster.  Money doesn't hurt either!  A custody suit is grueling.  It will take a toll on you , your spouse and the other children.  
#323
Hi!

I'm a NCP mom.  During an interium custody order I had my kids zero overnights but I picked them up from school everyday and had them one whole day ( no overnight) on the weekend.  I was fighting for custody with every ounce of my being because my ex was not providing good parenting and I was feeling misunderstood by the system.

Anyway for about 16 months I drove 810miles per month without ever leaving my county to maintain this interium order.  I thought my dedication would help my case.  It didn't I still lost.

 I was tired and really angry. While I had been doing all of the work of parenting my ex had been taking his new woman out to dinner every night, going fishing, partying...in short having a real ball while telling the schools and doctors that "the kids live with me"  I picked them up every evening when school was over,  did homework, gave them dinner and then at 7:30 pm took them back to him.  He put them to bed, got them up the next moring, sent them to school to eat a school cafeteria breakfast and called himself the CP and told anyone who would listen how bad I was to not have overnignts.  This went on for almost a year and a half.  When I lost I was alomst crazy with anger and grief.

In my CO I said I wanted only a two hour midweek visitation twice per month and my every other weekend and that I didn't want to pick the kids up from school due to having done all the driving for so long.. Now the kids are showing signs of alienation.  They aren't very close with me at all where they had been very close before.  WhenI lost overnights they saud, " Mom your house feels like a daycare"  Now it feel more like a hotel that they visit once in a blue moon.

I understand how you feel.  But take it from me--do not give up one second of time because you may not be able to get it back.  And friend, it is the most precious thing on the face of this earth.

Allow yourself your anger. It is justified.  Get help and support whenever possible.  Maybe take up a very physical sport to get the feelings and energy out.  But do not give up parenting time with your child.  The child didn't cause this and the child is the one who will ultimately loose if you try what you are thinking of.  Just hang in there.  Besides, you never know what tommorrow will bring and you may again get the chance to have custody.
#324
Yes sir.  I have heard of a case where there are two fit parents and the judge rules to make the father "primary rsidential"  I have lived it for the last six years along with having the CP PAS my children,  Sue me for support and then when I am disabled and my income is reduced to less thatn $1000 a month appeal because he's not getting enough money.  Incidentally he makes in excess of 53K.  He refuses to work with me on anything.  Routienly denies the kids medical care and dental care yet crys to Domestic Relations because I cover them on my insurance and he wants to be "Primary Insured"  but my birthday falls earlier in the year.He doesn't understand why he has to loose the support $$$ due to the insurance offset!

I should tell you that I am a nurse.  I have held my icense for the last 20 years.  I am a certified parent educator.  I hold criminal and child abuse clearances.  And sir I am a non-custodial parent.

I get only standard EOW and half of all hoildays and Summer ( When the CP doesn't frustate the visitation).  I live only 20 minutes from the children yet I cannot see these children anymore often because the CP says so.

I have been investigated by CYS.  It was unfounded and the casewoker called it a "spite report".  I have had to call the police for a keep the peace assist becasue the SM was so out of control when I tried to breifly talk with the Cp and children during a custody exchange that the only way to transfer custody was to call them for help.  This same SM has been rude and harrassing during the children's appointments with doctors/dentists.  The CP just told me " You are a pain in my ass and a pain in the ass for the children too".  He delivered this nugget of wisdom in a waiting room full of other patients at my son's docotor's appointment because he was upset with me for having scheduled the appointment to get to the bottom of a medical problem.  I had requested that he schedule it and he had refused ( as he always does).  Yet sir, I am the non-custodial parent.  And sir, I am indeed these childrens' mother.

At least we can say the system is equitable.  I have all the same complaints as any NCP dad on this site!
#325
Father's Issues / RE: Lost my job
Dec 14, 2004, 06:10:50 PM
I am sorry that you had to go through this and at the holidays too.  Especially after such a long time trying to grt the time with your daughter.

I am a NCP mom and nurse so I know about paying thousands of $$ to see your kids only to have your employer &*^% it up for you.  In health care no employer cares about your personal isues.  It always about the "numbers"...that is the right number of staff to patients.

For what it is worth I don't think you were in the right place to begin with employment-wise.  Enjoy the time with your child and know that when one door closes very often a window opens.  With a calm and open mind you will find that window.

Take care and enjoy the heck out of your visit.  It sure seems like you've earned it.
#326
As a NCP mom who pays supprt "on time every time" I find it deeply offensive not only because of the topic but because others of my gender are making such a mockery out of child support and blantantly saying they are making "financial slaves" out of thier former partners.

I'm in too!
#327
Father's Issues / RE: Oh boy! Can't Wait!
Dec 10, 2004, 07:15:47 AM
Hi!

I'm in PA too and dealing with the same kinds of crap.  I requested and received an evaluation but the evaluator claimed that all kids of divorced families act this way and that it is their way of coping with the conflict.  

Hogwash!  If you are "lucky" enough to be the NCP you end up loosing your time, money, sanity and self respect.  We need to change the laws so that these people who PAS kids can't get a foot hold.  I say if two fit parents both want custody and are willing to live near enough to each other then they should have it and if one fights the other tooth and nail and wins then that one is ineligible for child support!  What do you think of them apples?

The CP in my case had no problem with 50-50 until he married his new wife who is as pahtological as they come.  So after nearly two years of 50- 50 with no problems except BD backing out of agreements all the time my DH was painted as a danger to the children.  CP has told everyone who will listen how afraid of him the kids are.  Last custody evaluator even did a home visit to check this and found that the kids were in no way afraid of DH.  Yet Cp maintained primary residiential.  The PAS has been stepped up and these kids just can't understand why a relationship with me our family or their half siblings ( the only sibs they have) is in any way important.

On top of this Cp and Sm routienly trash me verbally to my face in front of doctors, dentists etc. AND the kids.  If I want to know what is going o with my kids my choice is to stand there and take it or not go to the appointments and not know what the H@LL is going on because they won't tell me.  The judge knows all this and feels it is not contempt because" She has poor chioce in men".  So CP could abuse me for 13 years of marriage and now until the kids are 18.  Oh did I mention that while he makes 75K/yr he still gets his child suppot of $300.  Now I am disabled.  My income dropped to $938/mo and somehow he'll have to make due with just $165/month.  Meanwhile I have two other kids and a disabled DH.  Oh yeah...he's appealing the $165/mo because he wants more.  Yet no one can see that this is all about destroying me.  He couldn't even tell you wha t the kids' best friends' names are.  He won't allow them to have pets because new wife is "allergic" but she owned a dog which bit both kids prior to thier marriage.

I have always taken the high road.  I did not report the abuse during thre marriage ( my biggest mistake).  because I wanted to go quietly and not drag our family through the mud.  Also I had a lawyer who advised against reporting certian things which would have cost him his security clearances because she said, "don't jeprodiaze the children's future child support"  What a joke!

Being older and wiser I'd say the hell with the high road.  Except that it has always been my priority to be able to face that woman who looks me in the eye from my mirror each morning.  Keep in mind though the kids are being raised by the guy who is sneaky, manipulative and has been caught lying in court several times ( No perjury charges because "Hell, everybody lies in family court".

Well, this sure turned into a rant on my part.  Thanks for listening and if you can learn something from my sorry story to help yourself...Please do it!
#328
Father's Issues / RE: passport lie
Dec 05, 2004, 06:09:21 PM
It seems you do have bigger problems.

1. Your child was rummaging around in your papers.  This is a boundary violation.  She was there without your consent.  I would wonder why and if the CP routinely tells the child to do this kind of PI work.

I don't mean to offend but I'm in a situation where the CP uses the kids to gather all kinds of info and if they don't find what he wants they make it up.  Yeah, I know it is messed up and I hope this isn't the case with you.  But like they say, " To be fore warned is to be fore armed."

2.Why on earth would the mom think you would kidnap your daughter?

Is there any possibilty that she could subconsiously be telling on herself.  This is something else I have learned from my twisted situation.  I also hope this isn't the case with you.

3.  If the mom thinks these things why on earth would she be telling the child.  Any kid in her right mind would become terrified of you.  Please be careful of PAS.

I do not mean to alarm but my ex bugged my apartment.  Snuck in and removed the bug. And had my friend of 20 years who absolutely loathed him during the marriage manipulated into tape recording my phone conversations with her without my permission. Yes, I live in a two party state so the friend was breaking the law for someone she abohred for at least 18 years. I have no way of proving any of this.  The best I could get was a security man's strong suspicion that a bug had been removed fom my television.  

This television was marital property.  My ex offered it to me and I was too naive and too poor to reuse to take it when he said, " I'll need a couple days to get it to you." when I lived just 2 miles from the marital home.

You could say that I'm older and wiser now.  Watch your back, friend
#329
Hi!

I understand your concerns.  As a youngster I had an aunt who chain smoked.  I couldn't understand how she could continue when as a five year old I begged her to stop and my eyes would water and I would cough.  She knew darn well that it was having a negative effect on me. I would hide her cigs all the time.

Time passed and do you know what?  She eventually quit.  She has been smoke free for almost thiry years now.  I am a psychiatric nurse who works with adult addicts.  I guess her smoking had a lot of other effects on me too!  

As an aside: I did develop allergies but not until I was almost thirty and had not lived with this aunt for almost ten years.  I do not know if that is related or not.

I quess what I'd like you to know most of all  is that smoking or not I have always loved my aunt and would have been harmed irreparably by not having the relationship.  I learned a lot about life and relationships and addiction through the years because of this close relationship.

I came to understand that my aunt could not quit until she was ready to quit.  I came to understand that it didn't have anything to do with me or whether or not she loved me or how much she loved me.

Your concerns for your childrens' health are valid.  Take some of these suggestions to help the situation.  Make things as safe for your children as you can.

In the mean time, ask yourself why you are still married to your wife.  I see what may be an underlying current in your post.  I don't know you well enough to know if it is frustration with the situation or anger or what.  Any of those emotions would be justied.  Sometimes when you are overwhelmed all the emotions kind of settle into one issue.

 Do you have some support for yourself?  An individual counselor was very helpful to me as I was going through marriage counseling with my ex ( please note:  he is an ex so it didn't work out for us).  It can be a very trying time to go through.  

Would your wife be willing to get a physical?  She needs to rule out any physical causes for why she isn't particiating in counseling or really doing much other than visiting her mom.  It certianly seems like she could be depressed.  That is a family disease.  When one member is depressed everyone is affected. It is possible to be so depressed as to not be able totake advantage of therapy for your depression.  That is ususally an indication that he person needs medication for the depression.

I lived with people who were depressed for a lot of my life.  I didn't know there was any other way to live.  When I got into therapy it was like the sun came out for the very first time.

I am sure that we have given you a lot to think about here.  Good luck.  Stop back and let us know how things are going.
#330
Hi!

I don't know you well but I've been reading these baords for a while now and have a general sense of your situation.  I wanted to offer support.  This custody mess is terrible.  So many lives get broken when if the adults acted like adults the kids could have extra love instead of being torn apart.

My DH feels terribly responsible for my loosing custody  of my tow older kids.  We have two younger ones together.  The stress of having to deal daily with a vindictive ex really takes its toll.  I am sorry for the pain you are obviously feeling. As a Bio-parent without custody I have always felt pulled.  It hurts more than anyone could ever know to constnatly have to choose between one family and the other.

Have you and Will tried couples counseling?  We have had some very wonderful and supportive counselors during our six year struggle.  sometimes the pain is just too overwhelming to handle on your own.
My DH is a wonderful dad to out children.  I refuse to let anyone tear apart tis family regardles of what enticements they offer me.  But I do understand the stress and pain.

Good luck and take cate