Don't know what to do, if anything.

[kitten]

Will's custody trial is on Wed.  PBFH denied visitation for Thanksgiving.  There was a very obvious misprint and she ran with it.  Will did not think any LEO would enforce and also did not want that scene for his kids.  We had planned to go to my Father's with all 5 kids.  Will was so depressed, he could not get out of bed.  He won't speak to me either.  This will be the last weekend if she gets permission to move.  He left to pick them up this morning for visitation and she called and they had another confrontation.  All I heard him sayis, "What does the court order say?!"  And then he stormed out.  Won't look at me, won't talk to me.  I can no longer help him.  I think this has finally destroyed us.  We have been through so much, but the man I once knew has been torn apart by this.  I no longer make a difference for him.  I don't know what he is thinking, but I suspect that he will leave me after the trial.  

[wendl]

OH Kitten I am so sorry you are going thru this, I know how hard you and Will have worked for those kids.

I don't have any adive for you as dh and I went thru alot with his custody trial BUT we would never let it ruin us as the woman will never split us up at hard as she may try.

You two really need to sit down and talk, but I would give him a few days to deal with the missing of thanksgiving with the kids.

Hugs to you.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[kitten]

Thanks.  This whole thing has been so hard.  I will be here when he is ready.  I hope that she does not take this away from him, too.  She has broken his spirit.  I was so afraid of this and  I do feel guilt at times.  We used to talk about how we would never let her tear us apart.

She is hurting so many people.  My girls were devestated yesterday, they were so excited about Will and the kids being at their Grandpa's.  

I miss the sparkle I once saw in his eyes, he was so full of life.  It hurts to watch your best friend in such pain and to be so helpless.  

[MYSONSDAD]

Have been there and back several times. With being denied Thanksgiving and the trial coming up, he is just being human. Anyone would be down and depressed. Glad he did not cause a scene for her to use at trial. She will look bad, not Will.

Like you said, he is your bestfriend and best friends stick together on the highs and the lows. I know exactly how he feels. No Thanksgiving for me either...

Hang in there and will send some extra prayers to all of you and a special one for Will to give him strength for the days ahead!

Keep us posted on the trial

"Children learn what they live"

[wendl]

n/a

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[kitten]

Thanks MSD.  You have been so helpful to me.

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I don't know you well but I've been reading these baords for a while now and have a general sense of your situation.  I wanted to offer support.  This custody mess is terrible.  So many lives get broken when if the adults acted like adults the kids could have extra love instead of being torn apart.

My DH feels terribly responsible for my loosing custody  of my tow older kids.  We have two younger ones together.  The stress of having to deal daily with a vindictive ex really takes its toll.  I am sorry for the pain you are obviously feeling. As a Bio-parent without custody I have always felt pulled.  It hurts more than anyone could ever know to constnatly have to choose between one family and the other.

Have you and Will tried couples counseling?  We have had some very wonderful and supportive counselors during our six year struggle.  sometimes the pain is just too overwhelming to handle on your own.
My DH is a wonderful dad to out children.  I refuse to let anyone tear apart tis family regardles of what enticements they offer me.  But I do understand the stress and pain.

Good luck and take cate

[StPaulieGirl]

I wanted to wait to see if there was any news before I replied.

In situations like this, holidays are the worst time of the year.  That applies to people in all sorts of different situations.  You realize that none of this is your fault, don't you?  I don't think it has destroyed your marriage, as much as it is causing Will to retreat inside himself.  It was  just one more knife in the heart.

Because of her blatant disregard for not only the court order, but what is morally right, he's probably feeling despair over the outcome over Wednesday's hearing.  That's logical.  It's not going to help, though.

Look at it this way.  Men communicate differently from women.  Seems to me, when there is a situation such as yours and Will's(impending layoffs, etc), men will shut themselves off.  We tend to talk with friends and in our cases, people online.  

My suggestion would be to leave him be for now, but keep an eye on him.  Have either of you contacted your attorney regarding the latest denial of visitation?  If not, you do it tomorrow, and give a heads up about Will.  

If things go wrong Wednesday, Will will need your love and support more than ever.

Good luck Kitten, and let us know how things are going.

[kitten]

Will came home with the skids Friday and still would not speak to me.  When I asked him something, he bit my head off in front of the kids.  I stayed at a friends all weekend, just got home.  He's at work right now.

One of his messages on my vm this weekend said he would be gone by Dec. 30.  :(

I will try the couples counseling suggestion if he will hear me out.  
Thank everyone for you support.  Right now I still don't know if we will make it.  

[kitten]

I asked if he would try counseling and he said NO.

[Kitty C.]

You and your family are in my prayers!  It's obvious that Will's hurting VERY badly right now.  And he's being human.......taking it out on those closest to him.  I've done it to DH and he's done it to me as well.  But there are varying degrees of it and it's obvious that you and Will have more on your plate than most.  I hope and pray that he will at least listen to counseling and is willing to communicate in regards to all this.

And regardless, we are here for you too, kitten.  You know the old saying: you can't change anyone else, only yourself.  Tho that's hard to swallow when it gets down to the nitty-gritty, it's still a fact of life.  But we are here for you, too.  My friends here have kept me up thru some very rocky times this past year, including a brief separation between DH and myself.  They were here for me and I will be here for you.  I need to give back what was given to me, and you are the lucky recipient!  :-)

[kitten]

Thank you so much.  I am bawling my head off right now.  I think I've lost my best friend.

[joni]

He's preparing himself for the worse right now, the anticipation that his kids might be relocated.  You've probably heard that there's five stages of mourning:

Denial and Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I feel that you're taking on the blame here because of how your relationship started.  Certainly, his ex wife is trying to punish you too, she still blames you.

Regardless of the outcome, you two are going to have to rebuild your life.   If the kids move, you will have to work together to deal with this devastation.  

If the kids are allowed to stay here, your problems will not be solved.  Everything will not be magically happy again.  The kids will suffer being away from their mother, if their mother goes to Alaska.  There's going to be alot of damage control for the kids to adjust.

Counseling is a very real solution for both of these scenarios.  Give Will some time to adjust and prepare.  It may be something he'll have to do by himself.  Stop taking on the responsibility of him too.  Take this time to get yourself together so that you two can be a united front.

[kitten]

Good advice, I do need to get myself together.  I have a hard time not taking on his pain.  
He called and said he wants to talk tonight.  He is meeting w/his attorney tonight too.  

[StPaulieGirl]

Kitten, I am so sorry.  I'll keep you in my prayers.  If Will refuses to go to counseling, you should go anyway.  You are a good wife, mom and stepmom, and Will knows that.  Right now he's in too much pain and uncertainty.  Dec. 30th is a long way off.  

((hugs))

[kitten]

Last night we had a good talk.  He apologized for shutting me out and forgave me for taking off.  I guess we still got it!  He had a horiffic weekend with the kids, PBFH called Sat night and convinced 7 yr old he needed to come home sun night (the order says Mon morning) to the point where ss went into hysterics when Dad told him he would take him home Mon.  He ended up taking them home Sun night because mom had all three upset and it was miserable for everyone.  THEN, Sun night her husband called and left a bizarre threatening message on vm stating that he wants will to treat his wife with more respect.  

The trial is tomorrow, 6 hours of court.  My ex wrote and signed a wonderful letter in support of Will and that he feels he has been a good influence on our children.  (he has his moments).  ;)

No matter the outcome, tomorrow will be the single most emotionally exhausting experience Will has ever known.  Thank you all for your help and support, I will write an update in a couple of days.

[kitten]

Good advice, I do need to get myself together.  I have a hard time not taking on his pain.  
He called and said he wants to talk tonight.  He is meeting w/his attorney tonight too.  

[StPaulieGirl]

Kitten, I am so sorry.  I'll keep you in my prayers.  If Will refuses to go to counseling, you should go anyway.  You are a good wife, mom and stepmom, and Will knows that.  Right now he's in too much pain and uncertainty.  Dec. 30th is a long way off.  

((hugs))

[kitten]

Last night we had a good talk.  He apologized for shutting me out and forgave me for taking off.  I guess we still got it!  He had a horiffic weekend with the kids, PBFH called Sat night and convinced 7 yr old he needed to come home sun night (the order says Mon morning) to the point where ss went into hysterics when Dad told him he would take him home Mon.  He ended up taking them home Sun night because mom had all three upset and it was miserable for everyone.  THEN, Sun night her husband called and left a bizarre threatening message on vm stating that he wants will to treat his wife with more respect.  

The trial is tomorrow, 6 hours of court.  My ex wrote and signed a wonderful letter in support of Will and that he feels he has been a good influence on our children.  (he has his moments).  ;)

No matter the outcome, tomorrow will be the single most emotionally exhausting experience Will has ever known.  Thank you all for your help and support, I will write an update in a couple of days.

[MYSONSDAD]

I hope you taped that message!

"Children learn what they live"

[kitten]

I am typing trancriptions as we speak!

Thanks, MSD.  

[hisliltulip]

Good luck tomorrow, I know that this is a very hard time to be calm and stay focused.

DH and I went through some pretty good fights right before each court date too.

SPG is right, men and women cope differently, let him have his cave, but let him know that you are there for him when he is ready to come out.

Hugs to you both, try to get some good sleep tonight.

[StPaulieGirl]

He works in mysterious ways.  That letter from your ex, for example :)

We'll all continue to pray for you both for a favorable outcome tomorrow, kitten.  Hang tough :)

[StPaulieGirl]

I didn't even think about that!  Guess I was too relieved that things were being patched up to  pay attention.