To report or not to report?

[Kent]

Soc,

My ex and I have shared physical custody of our 11 year old son (week-to-week), I have sole legal.

My son has for the longest time been telling us that his mother hits him on a regular basis. Knowing that he tends to dramatize these issues, and there not being any marks on him, we have not pursued that issue.

He also tells us on a daily basis that he can't wait until he's 14, so he can come live with us full time.

Lately however, he tells us about her hitting him with a closed fist (still no marks), and last week he told us she had pushed him to the ground and kicked him - still no marks.

His story shows an increasing violence, and hitting with closed fist and kicking is undeniably defined as abuse (rightfully so).

My current wife, being an LPC, is legally required to report any and all suspicion of abuse. By not acting on his stories, she is violating protocol and at risk of losing her license - should anyone find out.

1) Do you believe she should report his stories to CPS?

2) Would it be better to contact the school counselor and ask him/her to talk to our son?

3) How do we go about either option without running the risk of being accused of coaching him - as far as you can coach a strong-willed 11 year old?

Thank you for your time.

Kent!

[Sherry1]

this here on this site but it looks like Admin removed it.  

I personally believe it should be report it to CPS and to the school counselor also.  

[mistoffolees]

I would definitely report it, but be sure not to let them think that you're reporting something you've seen. Be completely honest in what you have seen and haven't seen.

I would not worry about her job - that's not your responsibility. If she is innocent, she'll be free to continue working and no permanent harm is done.

The main question is whether you should tell her that you're reporting her. My inclination would be to do so, but not until after you've talked with CPS. If you phrase it as "I'm not trying to create trouble, but it's important for everyone's sake to have allegations researched rather than having the issue hanging over everyone's head indefinitely, so I felt I had an obligation to have it reported".

Of course, that's not legal advice. It may not even be good non-legal advice.

[Kent]

My ex is a homemaker.
It is my current wife who is an LPC and required to report suspected abuse.

Our son wants to live with me, he says it at least once per day, but he is afraid his mother will beat him when she finds out.
And as long as she doesn't leave a mark on him, I'm afraid that any accusations by me will be seen as manipulation and coaching.

Kent!

[mistoffolees]

Sorry I misunderstood. In that case, I would say that there's no reason not to report it. If it makes you feel better, have your wife report it and say that she's required to do so by law.

If you keep it low key ("I don't know what happened, but I'm concerned because of what my son says"), I don't see how you can be seen as manipulating or coaching.

[brwneyedmom]

your child tell a trusted adult at school?  They are also mandatory reporters and your wife can also report to CPS at the same time.  When my son disclosed physical abuse from his dad, I took him to his counselor so that he could tell her and then she would report to CSD (same agency).  My son didn't disclose until four months after the fact, but was taken seriously, I think because I was not the one reporting (and I am a mandatory reporter in my state too).  I made an effort not to get many details from my son so that I would not appear to be coaching him- since I wanted to avoid the "vindictive ex spouse" label.  

[terpil]

but when I attempted to report DH's ex when she slapped SS so hard that his nose bled all day, they refused to take the report since I was a stepparent.  Your wife is a mandated reporter in relation to her job, not in her personal life, unfortunately.

My SS later reported to his guidance counselor about the verbal abuse going on at his mom's, and because it wasn't physical, he couldn't report it.

Can he tell his classroom teacher?

[Kitty C.]

I am a mandatory reporter as an EMT.  Legally, I am only required to report abuse when I am acting in the capacity of an EMT, so being an SM doesn't qualify for me, either.

Kent, any abuse reported to a teacher must be reported and would be taken more seriously than being reported by a parent or step-parent, because they are an objective 3rd party.  That's the best way to get things started.

[williaer]

Why not just report it anonymously? No one has to know and you can act surprised when BM finds out. She will likely suspect that it is you- but she will have no proof.

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

I recently went through having to report abuse on my child by the dad. Anonymously or not, they do not, nor legally can, disclose who reported it. I made it clear who I was right down to my address and phone number.
Bruises and all, it was "unfounded". That's twice.
While a court of law admonished me for spanking my son with my bare hand, it was perfectly ok for dad to beat the son's butt with a board. Go figure.
So while I don't hold the justice system with the highest regards.........report it.......let the justice system make it's own determination.

[Kitty C.]

I don't hold our court system in the highest regard either, which is why I think they give more credence to a 3rd party objective referral than a parent or step-parent.  Were you reported through CPS/DHS or was this an issue that was brought up in court during proceedings?  That makes a difference as well.  

I've always said that if you can get a report made by an objective 3rd party, the 'system' treats it totally different than if it's made from within the family.  Shouldn't be this way, but then again, there is a positive aspect to it.  Probably the reason they don't give credence to a report made from within the family is because of the serious probability of vindictiveness (wish they would apply that to other circumstances as well) and an objective 3rd party doesn't have a stake in the case.

[Kent]

Thank you all for your input.

The problem is that we have told him multiple times that there is really nothing we can do about it as long as he doesn't bear marks, and that if he wants something done about it, he needs to talk to his teacher and/or school counselor.

But he won't do that.

Kent!

[wysiwyg]

I have not read all the posts here yet, but I did read the original, my gut is kinda between a rock and a hard place on this.  Because we have kinda faced a similar sitation.  My DH and his ex used to be in mediaiton and the mediator stated that all kids lie for attention and is escalated in a highly contested divorce situation in that the kid can not get his way with one parent he plays the sympathy card, now I am not saying this is your case, but what I am saying is that could it be that the child is exaggerating the situation?  being there are no marks and no "proof" that this is happening?  My SS called me one day to come get him from school cause he and his BM Had a fight and he was afraid to go home.   Now had I gone I would be in jail for sure, however, he caused a situation that he was at fault for and his BM was totally in the right for her yelling at him and the punishmnet.  I was put in a situation that I could not get him without upsetting his mom and going to jail, nor could I betray him and tell him I felt she was right.  My answer, was that he needed to work it out at home and if he had an issue then he had to take it upon himself to get the help he deemed necessary.  I am not saying that your child is crying wolf, but I wonder if she is making a mountian out of a molehill and in the process putting other people at risk in many ways.  

[Kitty C.]

Kent,

I'm sure he knows that if it's serious and legit, he can go to a teacher and counselor any time.......they really preach this into kids at school.  His unwillingness to go to someone at school makes me wonder what the situation truly is.  You may have to talk to him further and see if there's something else going on.  In the meantime, your SO shouldn't worry about not reporting, since as an SM, she isn't technically 'working' in the capacity of her usual job that makes her a mandatory reporter.

Hope this helps.......

[mistoffolees]

You can't make him testify. As others have stated, there's always a chance that he's doing it for attention (it has happened, believe me).

One option might be to suggest that you both or just he meet with a psychologist on a regular basis. If you can present this in a way that it's not threatening ('I know divorce is hard and thought you might like to have someone just to talk to about things that you might not want to talk to your mother or me about' or something like that). If he has a relationship with a good counselor, it's going to help no matter what. If he's lying, it will help the truth to come out. If he's telling the truth, but he's scared about repurcussions, it will help. If he really does want to talk but is afraid someone will get in trouble, it will help.

The key is getting him to go into counseling. My personal view is that every person in this country should get regular psych preventive care visits just like regularl MD preventive care visits, but that's another story.