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Author Topic: Been rode hard, put away wet.  (Read 5892 times)

billk

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Been rode hard, put away wet.
« on: Feb 16, 2004, 05:28:44 PM »
I'm pretty new to this board and am sure that enough of the other members have been through the mill enough times themselves, but I'm really wondering where everyone gets the strength to keep up. Although the question below is going to sound like I'm some kind of monster, I'm the type of person that speaks his mind, straight ahead.

*Please note that I just deleted out the bulk of this post so that I could keep my question actually concise enough to tolerate, without including the all the blow by blow action that has lead me to this point. In order to keep this short:
 
Obviously - if there wasn't a problem with my situation as a NCP, I wouldn't be here.

Not so obvious - I've got a good attorney handling this, but the whole process (time and details) have been really wearing me down and out.

Is there anyone else out there that has gotten so tired of all the bs that they just feel like giving up? Today I told the cp that if she wants to continue to withhold my daughter from me, after promising visitation time, time and time again; that I'd just assume she walk in the court during our next scheduled visit and request that my parental rights be relinquished. Although I know the totality of that statement, I have been rode hard and put away wet enough times now that I just don't want my heart broken any more. As an adoptee, I realize the heartbreak of knowing that you'll never see family again. BTDT, every day since I was a kid. I just wanted to know if anyone else has ever considered this, or, if I'm so totally off, that I should go get myself slapped. Thanks in advance for any advice.


Indigo Mom

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #1 on: Feb 16, 2004, 07:26:12 PM »
Well, I'll be darned...

Your subject line had me in stitches!  lolol  Ya had me laughing so hard...I couldn't get a grip!  Now that I'm settled and read your post...I'M MAD!  Look what you went and did to me!

-----but I'm really wondering where everyone gets the strength to keep up. -----

You have strength deep inside of you...ya just don't know where to look.  Here's what I want you to do.  Go to the mirror and just stare at yourself.  Look good and hard.  Think about your daughter and everything you've been through trying to see her.  When you're done bawling your eyes out (and yes, you will) look deep into your eyes and ask yourself this question..."can I really walk out on my daughter"?  I shit you not...you'll feel strength starting to build up somewhere in your body.  I think Dennis Leary said it best..."in the cockles of your heart, or maybe even the subcockles".  You have mucho strength...now go find it.  

-----Is there anyone else out there that has gotten so tired of all the bs that they just feel like giving up? -----

I tried to kill myself two times.  Does that count as giving up?  You know what?  Custody is the quickest way to get gray hair, ulcers, severe depression, maybe even split personalities.  Your teeth could even rot out of your skull, too!  The weirdest things happen to you. This is the evilest of all evils when you're dealing with the bogus court system and a crooked ex.

You have GOT to understand something...you give up?  Your daughter loses.  She'll walk through life without a father to guide her, she'll believe her mom when she tells her lies about you...your child will come knocking on your door one day...and she might just kick your ass for leaving.

Think about her.  Build up your strength and tell your ex that you're not taking her shit anymore!!!  Fight for what's rightfully yours...a meaningful relationship with your little girl.

-----if I'm so totally off, that I should go get myself slapped.-----

No one needs to slap you...you're beating your own self up.  I used to emotionally kick the holy beegeebers out of myself because I felt like I was in a no win situation.  Guess what?  I've got my son.  Took a long time, but I'll be damned, it is WORTH sticking around.

I wish you luck in finding your inner strength and hope you stick around here to give us updates on how you're doing.  

 





billk

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #2 on: Feb 17, 2004, 10:34:33 AM »
My apology for the roller coaster ride regarding the subject line. It's biker slang that I think was stolen from cowboys discussing their horses. Needless to say, it's pretty much how I feel anymore.

Thank you for your encouragement. Although I can't say that I've been pushed to the point that you seemed to be, last summer this whole fiasco did cause some major health problems in the way of a heart attack that almost ended my fight completely. Please bear in mind, I haven't even asked for custody, just my visitation. The problem has been that enforcement of any court order regarding my visitation rights has been a joke. I don't even know why they state what contempt of court penalties are if they never intend on using them. The only thing I've seen fine examples of so far has been the ex's, the court's, and "Fiend of the Court" (the "r" was left out intentionally) contempt for my rights to have any relationship with my daughter.

I can't describe in words how thankful I really am for your response, and am not much for being all sappy, but do want to let you know that your kindness has helped to ease what has otherwise been a real shitty week.:-) I was also happy to hear that it is possible for these situations to work out in the end (whenever that may be for me has yet to be seen), so I wish you continued success. Thank you again.

"If "if's" were fifth's, we'd all be drunk" - if that ain't the truth, I don't know what is. Just wish I knew who had originated it so I could give them the credit they deserve.

kiddosmom

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #3 on: Feb 17, 2004, 11:40:30 PM »
Yes actually the term " Rode hard and put away wet" is a cowboy term :)

All of us are dealing with pbfh's ( pucking biotches from h*ll). We were one of the lucky ones, I am SM (step-mom) to a beautiful almost 2 yr old. We are the CP.

Only reason that happened,,, the mom had the guts to sit on the stand and tell the judge the BF she has been living with is not a danger to her children, even if he is wanted for child molestation and she knows it and will not turn himself in.

We tried forever it seemed to let the judge know SD was unsafe, till the mom sat up there and said that ,the father, who is a good man, a good father to his other 2 children that live with him, has never been in trouble with the law (when the mom has a 75 pg arrest record) has never had any mental disorder (when the mom has bi-polar that she refuses to treat, and 3 suicide att.) she had custody.

3 weeks after she 'lost' custody she oh poor me 'loses' her job so she cannot pay the cs ordered. over 1500 now btw. oh and she says she will never pay the cs.

hehe we recieved a letter in the mail the other day the AG is finally going after her.

You get the strength one minute at a time, one day at a time.

DecentDad

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #4 on: Feb 18, 2004, 04:32:25 PM »
Hi there,

Sorry for what you're enduring... many of us who come to these boards are obviously going through tough times, else why would we be posting on boards seeking support and answers?

Many of us can offer empathy for your situation, but that doesn't necessarily help you in the topic of your post.

In answer to your question... Should you go get yourself slapped?

Ummm, it seems like you're having a very difficult time in a situation of tremendous stress, unimaginable disappointment (time and time again), and seeming minimal hope.  For you NOT to feel overwhelmed would be a sign of a disturbed and disconnected individual.  

Feeling overwhelmed merely makes you a normal human.  Having thoughts of how much more peaceful your life would be if you simply quit trying-- again, you're normal.

I echo what the others say about staying focused on your daughter.  You're a grown man who can comprehend what is going on.  She is a tyke who doesn't understand it and who has no ability to advocate for her best interests.

I also suggest that you find a way to feel empowered in this process.  Surrendering to the mother (or making some statement of such) only encourages her to continue her campaign.  Refusing to give her emotional satisfaction, and instead only using your attorney to enforce your rights and advocate for the same will give you a sense of control, will help you feel "above" her crap, and will be the best tactic possible (if possible) to get the mother to behave.

Also, think of this as a very very long process.  Every daily battle is yet a tiny little skirmish in the eventual outcome.  Keep your eye on the goal.

If you don't have a goal, then identify it and put it in writing.  E.g., "I will have 50% custodial time with my child, and I will share in raising her."

Once you have that goal, and you're faced with the latest minor conflict, respond to the conflict in a way that best supports your goal (rather than just having a myopic solution to "win" the tiny conflict of the day).

Having your big goal, and building momentum to that goal, will help you weather the daily challenges.  Without that big goal, every passing day feels more hopeless.

I don't know the details of your situation.  My ex caused so much conflict between us for nearly three years.  I had moments like what you describe within yourself.  We're ending up our custody evaluations now, and we're heading into our custody trial in coming weeks.

The tremendous gift that comes out of the h*ll that you're describing is what I'm now appreciating-- I stayed on the high road for 3 years and documented all that my ex did.  As a result, I'm a shining example of a devoted, cooperative parent as we end our evaluations and enter trial.  My ex is a shining example of an uncooperative, vindictive, poisonous, irresponsible mother.  The cost was huge, but the gift that her poor behavior delivered is invaluable now.

Stay focused on your girl.  It'll all work out in the plan that God intends.  Part of staying focused on your little girl means taking care of yourself (no more heart attacks!) during this very stressful process so that she has a dad while she grows up.  And, having dad locked away in a padded room isn't much help either, so continue to find support (e.g., these kinds of boards, friends, family) to keep you going strong and with increasing confidence!

Best wishes for you,
DD


billk

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #5 on: Feb 18, 2004, 07:20:56 PM »
Just wanted to place a note of thanks for your support. Court came and went this morning. The judge ordered that seeing as the ex has been using a daycare to go to work, that I be allowed time there 2 hours per visit, twice per week. Stated that it was not to be termed as Supervised Visitation, but that it'd allow me the opportunity to have time, where the ex is comfortable, and where I can use the system through demonstrating my parenting skills to have very good DOCUMENTED references for use during our next court date in 60 days.
The judge also ordered that the ex make sure she is no where within my proximity during my parenting time. Oddly enough, when she'd barked about that, the judge added another 2 hours every other Saturday AT HER HOME! She barked some more, so to beat that, he went one further by mandating that she cannot be there except for 5 minutes after my arrival and 5 minutes prior to my departure. He also made her sign a "hold harmless" clause, because she stated that the drive time between our homes made my visitation impractical, so that if she were really "concerned" about our daughter she would sign or else I'd get what I'd originally asked for, and seeing as I've been so patient it was only right for her to allow me the use of her home during the next 60 days because in the opinion of the court, I'm not the destructive personalitied individual. If that isn't a real doozy I don't know what is.
Although it's not what I'd requested, it's almost better. I hate to say that I'm getting enjoyment from her causing her own grief now, but it's really hard not to swallow back the snickers.  :+

Davy

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #6 on: Feb 18, 2004, 09:22:36 PM »
Let me be among the first to say CONGRATULATIONS for today's outcome in court.  Guess the ex has a burr in her saddle now !  I was afraid your gitty-up-go got up and went !  Actually I got a little choked with joy over your post.

I agree with all the other posters.  I ended up as CP (after a 2.5 yr absence and hell) and originally had numerous false accusations against me.

I encourage you to SECRETLY carry and hide a microcassette tape recorder to ALL daycare visits and especially to her home and keep it running because sh*t happens when you least expect it.  It should be legal (no telephone involved) and may save your a$$ sometime.  Did mine !    

Best of luck in all endeavors !

Dr. D

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #7 on: Feb 19, 2004, 08:07:49 AM »
Dear Friend,

It sounds like you need to get yourself into a trusting counseling relationship.  You need to explore a lot of issues, and find the strength that is deep within you.  I know it sometimes feels as though it is too deep to reach - those are the times you reach out for support, and you say, "Today, I won't handle it, I'll just let things be."  Remember, if your heart is being torn apart like this, your child is most likely experiencing a lot more pain.

Get counseling, exercise regularly, sign up for some support groups.  Get moving.....Dr. D

billk

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #8 on: Feb 19, 2004, 08:55:05 AM »
Dear Dr. D,

If I could, I would gladly get personal counseling. Unfortunately, my current insurance doesn't cover it, and I simply cannot afford it with making regular tuition payments for my other daughter (who by the way is a psych major [I think she figures she could start a practice based on me alone at this time]) and having paid out massive legal bills regarding this issue alone. I do work out daily, and my workload has increased dramatically lately due to the economy starting to come around, so being busy definetly helps.

To make matters worse, I still think that at her core, my ex realizes what it is she is currently doing is not helping either of us, or our daughter. But she continues to want to manipulate me by dangling a carrot saying that "if you'll just do things the way I want, we'll get back together and this will become a non-issue".

I can't say that the outcome of yesterday's court session really got me what it was that I was seeking, but it was a step in the right direction albeit a small one. I would much rather have visitation with my daughter in my home than hers, regardless of the ironic justice of the moment yesterday, handed to her by the judge.

I'm using this as a sounding board and sanity check, and certainly hope to gain more insight as to how others have dealt with similar issues successfully, so that I might be able to use some of those tools to help myself.

Thank you for taking the time to comment. It's meant a lot to me that so many have responded.  

DecentDad

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Counseling - sliding scale - look into it
« Reply #9 on: Feb 19, 2004, 10:47:13 AM »
Hi again,

As one who found my psychotherapy sessions to be a sanctuary in which I could ground myself weekly during the most trying times, I'd strongly recommend it.

Having an objective party who is trained to help keep you introspective, and who can't disclose any of it without your consent (short of you being a danger to yourself or others) is a very powerful tool in self-growth.

I ended up getting a referral through a local group of psychologists/psychiatrists.  I asked for financial assistance and originally had my sessions at $35 each.  When the bills mounted (more than $50k in three years on this custody case), I had to either quit the sesions or get more help.  They reduced it to $15 each.  

Yet, as part of their program, I've been working with the same well-credentialed family psychiatrist for four years (sometimes twice a month, sometimes four times a month) who normally charges $200 per session.

The help is out there... it just takes a little bit of digging around.  It can mean the difference of freaking out or being more centered.

Psychotherapy is often thought to be crisis-oriented, but the bulk of my work has been extensive self-actualization.  Fun stuff.

Best,
DD

billk

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #10 on: Feb 22, 2004, 07:09:57 AM »
Update:

First and foremost: THANK YOU ALL! Your support has meant so much to me that it say me through what has been the toughest time in my life. I cannot really express in words how much your generous sharing and responses meant to me. Although I would prefer to shake all of your hands, and thank you individually and personnaly, I am hopeful that you're checking this post, and can accept my sincerest appreciation.

On 2/21 I had my first visitation with my daughter at her mothers residence. The weather was not so good, we had very slick roads due to ice and snow. When I'd arrived, the mother stated that she'd prefer not to leave, but would not interfere with my time. She also stated that she interpreted the CO to not "force" her out of her own home, but to give me quality time with our child. I interpreted it the same, but wasn't about to share that with her. In the interest of not wanting her to get in an accident on my concience, I agreed that she could stay as long as she didn't interfere, as she'd stated.

After having some time with my daughter, I've realized that the scar's that would be left with me if I were to relinquish parental rights would be too much to bear. So, I'm going to go with the plan for now, and see how it goes. I'm keeping the faith.

I wish all of you the best.

Billk

kiddosmom

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Congrats!!...
« Reply #11 on: Feb 23, 2004, 09:48:53 PM »
I so hope you enjoyed your time with the little missis :)
hehe I also hope it grated on your ex's last nerve ending like fingernails on a chalkboard  :)

Peanutsdad

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #12 on: Feb 24, 2004, 07:26:28 AM »
Just a side note on how to find the strength to go on.

The marine Corps taught me some valuable life lessons. Two words do NOT exist for me,, cant and quit. I dont know what they mean.

Adapt innovate and overcome became my personal mantra.

It's all mental. If in your mind you see yourself as an unstoppable force of nature, then you will be, Your mind, your will and your intelligence will make it happen.

Im soooo glad you got your visitation goin!!!!!!


Courage is not action in the absense of fear, it is action inspite of fear.

Dr. D

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RE: Been rode hard, put away wet.
« Reply #13 on: Feb 26, 2004, 06:44:33 PM »
Dear Been Rode Hard;

It certainly sounds that your sanity is in check.  Anytime, we are threatened with loosing a loved one through any means, things get crazy within us and around us.  Using boards such as this one as sounding boards are great!  SOmetimes, these are enough.  IF not, seek out counseling from a church or community mental health center that offers sliding scale fees.  Many churches will provide it for free.

Best of luck, Dr. D

 

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