New to the boards

[shine]

I have just found this site, and would like to participate.  I'm not sure yet how to go about navigating here, but bare with me......

[olanna]

This board moves slowly but we are dedicated to trying to help or at least listen!

[my miracle]

Shine:
         I'm with you there- I'm new as well.  Somehow I ended up here after yet another sleepless night- I noticed you must not sleep too well either.
          WELCOME!

         

[olanna]

Sleepless nights....had many of those.  The ones that were the worst were the ones that I spent up crying.

Welcome.  Sorry this place brings up here....but glad you came.

[wendl]

Welcome Shine and mymiricle.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[mama]

I'm new too. My daughter could use some advice. She lost custody of her daughter my grandaughter because of drinking and she is finally wanting to stop. (she drank for 2 years and lost everything) my daughter and grandaughter lived with me and now she only gets 3 hrs of visitation every other week and nothing else.. My grandaughter wants to live here with me and her mommy but she's only 4 and she has had 3 heart surgeries and is living with her dad in Tennessee and he has a girlfriend that wants to be mommy.. it's really sad. My daughter wants to get her act together and live with me and go to AA. I'm glad about that but I don't think the dad will let her see her at all now. The lawyer we hired for her could not believe the judge approved this parenting plan so we could pay the lawyer to redo the parenting plan and have him give it to the dads lawyer and I know he will want to go to court and they will want to know what's she been doing for the past year and thats pretty much nothing. So I think it's best for her to go to AA meetings and get her life together and then go to court. Does anyone disagree?

[farawaymom]

I am also new here. I hope to get in an e-mail support group for long distance moms. Looking for information on this subject is not very productive

I have my youngest daughter living with me, but the middle daughter who was 14 at the time chose to stay in our home state when I moved away to my new husband's home. My oldest is an adult who chose to stay also.

Long story behind this, but the bottom line is I love my children and want to be the best mom I can be.

[lovemychildren]

I too, don't have custody of my children and I have heard this is a great site to get help.:-)

[TGB]

Yes, your daughter needs to get sober and prove she can stay sober for a while before spending the money on an attorney. Take advantage of every opportunity to see or contact the child and maintain a positive relationship.

See Tips for Getting Started at http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

I have some friends who were long-time crack addicts (26 years) but got sober for the sake of their kids. Now they spend all of their time helping others to do the same. They are constantly asked to travel all over the country to tell their stories, and have been featured on the front page of a large metropolitan paper (more than once) on the Today Show and other programs, and in hundreds of personal appearances.

People can and do turn their lives around, but they need a lot of support to do so. Many people, especially ex-spouses and jaded social workers, will have a hard time accepting that the reform is genuine. Expect this and don't let it get you down. Learn from others at AA and other venues how they overcame this adversity and proved themselves worthy of trust.

[backwardsbike]

Recovery from addiction is an uphill battle.  But i am glad to see that your daughter has accepted the need for it.  Most people have to loose something before they will consider it.  An awful lot of addicts have to loose everything.  In your D's case, she didn't really loose everything becasue #1 she's still alive, and #2 her daughter still loves her and wants to be with her and #3  She still has you for your love and support.

To me it looks like your D is pretty lucky.  But that doesn't mean that she is going to have an easy time of it.  I am praying for her and for you.

My Dh has alcoholism and antoher co-occurring mental health diagnosis.  The one thing I have learned on this journey is that one must accept the diagnosis before any change can happen.  It is step one of AA.

Also, I woud hope that your D will get a full mental health evaluation.  Many people who strugggle in vain to control thier alcoholism and can't stay in recovery have another mental health issue.  They do not realize they are trying to medicate the other issue with the alcohol or drugs.  This is common with depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.

If someone has another diagnosis, getting sober is almost impossible without getting concurrent treatment of the problem they are trying to medicate.  But a valid diagnosis is nearly impossible while the person is still drinking.

If your D seeks out an evaluation, please have it done by someone who is trained and experienced in dual diagnosis.  Ihave worked in the field for over 20 years.  I am a nurse with a four year degree in Rehabilitation and a minor in psychology.  I have seen many peole go on to make very successful, healthy lives for themselves.  I pray your daughter does the same.

 She can thank her lucky stars that you are there for her support, because nobody does it alone.  But you also can't do it FOR her.   I would encourage you to seek out Al-Anon.  I have found the support helpful as well .

[angel]

 "is living with her dad in Tennessee and he has a girlfriend that wants to be mommy.. it's really sad".

Not really sure I understand why that is "sad"....

If I understood your post correctly, GD was fortunate to have a BF who was willing to step up to the plate and take care of her when your D wasn't able to, (and it hasn't really been proven that she can yet) and from the sounds of it, has a woman in his life who loves your GD also.

With all the horror stories going around of bad SM's, bad BF's, and children getting lost in the shuffle and being abused, unwanted, and/or uncared for,  if it were me, I'd just be glad that GD is being loved and cared for--it could certainly have been a very different situation!

It's my feeling that a child can never be TOO loved, or by TOO many people.

I hope for your D's AND your GD's sake that your D will eventually get well and stay well.

[Kboeds]

First of all, welcome all newcomers to the site. There are sites out there for non-custodial moms but many of them are getting very difficult to join.

I wanted to address this to mama concerning her D.

I agree with the post that D needs to get sober and stay sober for a while then go back to court for additional visitation. I dont think she should go back asking for full custody or anything drastic like that, she needs to show that she understands that her ability to be a good mother was impaired and she has corrected that. She also needs to show that she feels it is in GD's best interest that their relationship be rebuilt slowly with regular visitation with the posibility of increasing that visitation in the future.

If D goes in after 6 months and says I have been sober for 6 months and I want my daughter back, the courts will probably send her right back to the bottle with their response. She needs to be realistic about her request if she wants the best chance to have more time with her daughter.

Here is what she should do in the mean time.

DD needs to make up a letter form.. something like this.

              Alcoholic Anonymous meeting Attendance Record
                                 for (DD's Name)


    Date          /  Meeting or Group Name      /   Location          /   Witness Signature

________   /     ____________________    /  _________   /               ______________  
________      /      ____________________    /  _________    /     _____________  

Continue with enough lines for several meetings. The courts are going to want proof that she has been and is attending 5 to 7 meetings a week. At each meeting she can take her signature form to the person leading the meeting that week and as them to complete it for her.
This way when she goes to court, she has something to show them that she has been attending regularly and for how long. (If she doesn't have this, it may delay her request for changes because they may tell her they need 6 months to a year of this record in addition to what ever time she has already been sober before they will consider her request.

The next thing she should do it submit to random testing once a month. That would just mean that once a month she would go by her Dr's office and get a urine test. Tell them that she needs the results mailed to her.

In addition to the attendance records, this will show that she has also been regularly tested and the results have shown negative.

She should also get employment to eventually become more independant. The courts are going to look at her ability to keep a job as another sign that she is sober and getting her life in order.

Just my thoughts, hope they help

KB

[Brianna6]

I am new also to the board we all have our own stories and battle scars. It is hard to see a sight like this and believe this all really goes on. I thought I was all alone in this world and every other women had their kids but it not true. I Find that no matter how hard I try I wont ever get my boys back. The step mother and x are so controling to me. I always have to make some kind of deal with them. Nothing goes through. I keep getting told well we will just have to go to court and you wont win because the judge is a family friend. I am no longer going to make a deal with them. They say I am a bad mom and I dont love them and tell the boys that. I hate explaining to my kids that it is not true. I am re-married and he is in the Navy so I cant live by my boys. And they keep telling me that I am wrong for that. I have no choice where I live right now. I have 3 other children 2 step and a baby that my hubby and I had together. And I am told that I am a piece of crap for taking care of them and all I care about is my hubby and the kids here. I really hate them but what else can I do?