I need help, advice, and anything else I may need

[lyonsden]

I am in need of any assistance that can be provided or pointed to. I am just starting in to a divorce that is going to be ugly. I am 33 yrs old, former soldier, state and federal law enforcement officer, that lost my job because of my wifes mental problems.

My wife suffers from clinical depression, cronic anxiety, and a hyperactive thyroid. She has been in and out of the hospitol since 1995. We have been married for 10+ yrs, she has threatened to kill herself, me and our children on multiple occasions. On the 16 of Nov 2004 she attacked me in our home (fists twice), attempted to hit me with a machete, and then pulled a loaded 44 magnum handgun on me. All while my 3 yr old daughter was in my arms.

She was arrested for Criminal Domestic Violence and taken to jail. Local DSS workers placed an order of protection for my children with me being the sole care taker (which I have been for the past 2 yrs). The next day my wife was released from jail and ordered to the VA hospitol for a mental evaluation (passed with fliying colors). I was told by the DSS case worker that it would be in the childrens best interest to go stay some place other than the home, so I went to my moms home with my children

About one week later DSS gave suppervised visitation to my wife and after recieving a letter from my wifes VA case worker my children were sent to live with my wife(unsupervised). I was then limited to 3 days a week 3-7 Mon 3-7 THUR and 8-6 SAT and was given no reason why I was being limited time with my children. Filed an order of protection and Temporary cutody of the children in family court. Resulting a 9 days straight visit with my children, after which I will only be able to see my children every other weekend (4 days a month).

I am being raped my DSS and the Family court system. My wife has only been to my sons school about 5 times in the last 2 yrs, has been to the Doctors office with our children about 4 times in the last 4 yrs. and has an on and off use of drugs for years all of which is documented and I am the one being denied the right to protect my children. I live in constant fear that I am going to get a call telling me my wife has beaten or killed our children. She is trying to poison my children against me, by telling my children that I am a bad person and other things I can not post.

If any one can help in any way at all It will greatly appreciated.

Thank you all  in advance.

[MYSONSDAD]

You have come to the right place.

Did you have an attorney? I don't know how the system let her take the kids if you had sole custody for 2 years. I would think the DSS case worker would have testified on your behalf.

I would also think the judge should have had her do drug testing before she could visit your children.

Another thought, teach your children to dial 911 and tell them to use it. How far do you live from her?

With you being a former Law Enforcement officer, maybe a few friends could help keep an eye on things for you. Hire a PI.

This is copied from a post Brent made, but includes helpful information.
Some of these pages will apply more than others, but they all have valuable information:

Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/protect.htm

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm


One of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is better.

You can also search in the archives for what ever situation you need help on. If you have some legal questions, we have Soc. Post on his board, but follow the guidelines.

You indicate some issues concerning Parent Alienation, here are some sites to read up on...

http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm

http://www.helpstoppas.com/

http://www.rgardner.com/refs/

Many more will post their suggestions, but this should get you started.

[lyonsden]

I need clarify that I have been the sole care taker of my children and my wife for the past 2 yrs, not that I have had sole custody. My wifes mental ilness has been a roller coaster ride our entire marrige and I had gotte use to the ups and downs and yes she had hit me before but not with the level of violence she used on the 16 of NOV 04.

Let me out line it a little better.
I joined the Army Oct 1989-1996 Active Duty 1996-1998 Reserves
We were married 17 May 1993
She was honorably discharged from the US Army in 1995 for a personality disorder (4 yrs of service)
The threats and abuse was very tolerable in the beginning and has gotten more violent thru the yrs.
My son was born 17 Feb 1997 (Autistic/Asperger Syndrome)
My daughter was born 27 Jan 2001 (nothing abnormal)
After being called home from work and taking sick leave on numerous occations from work I resigned my position with the BOP or faced the possibility of termination August 2002 and I was already looking for another job and was hired with The TSA in Oct 2002.
While away from home my wife got adicted to crack cocaine and went as far as selling my childrens toys, swing set(less than 2 months old), and almost all of our house hold items to support her drug habit.
Jan 2003 I returned home because my wife said she was getting very depressed and needed to see her mental health case worker. I took emergency leave and came home to take care of my wife and children.

After months of working with myt wife she got off of the drugs and leveled out on her anti-depressants, I was terminated from my job for failing to return to work, even after I gave documentation to my employer, and I asked for a temporary transfer to a local Airport untill my wife would be able to travel.

My wife has since been in and out of treatment and on and off drugs ever since, all of which can be documented. After the attack in our home she went to the local GNC and bought a Clean out kit to flush her urine, blood, and hair. She passed the drug screening by DSS even after I told them about the clean out kit. DSS stated that they would not pay for the blood test or hair folicle test because it cost to much money, and if I wanted it done I would have to pay for it my self and my wife would have to volunteer to take it. This is when DSS placed my children back in the home with my wife.

As for the Family Court Judge I believe that I was walking in to a setup situation before I even got in the court room, because the Judge that gave my wife the PR bond and released her from jail invited her to his church and she has been going there ever since. This is the first time my wife has been to church since I have known her. This being the case I think that the CDV case judge has spoken with the Family court Judge and swayed the Family Court judge in my wifes favor, because none of the documentation that I took to court was looked at and the Judge would not give me any kind of reason as to why my children were being placed with my wife or why I was being even further limited in the amount of time with my children.

RAPED RAPED RAPED

As a side note I will say that when my wife was on a level plane with her depression she was a good mother, but she has steadly gotten worse over the yrs and I fear for the safety of my children and for my wife because I have always been there to help when she gets down and now I am not there and I am afraid of what might happen if no one is around to help her or stop her if she decides to hurt herself or our children.

To out line the truths about me:
I tried smoking marijuana when I was about 15 yrs old did not like it and have never used it or anyother drugs since. I do not smoke or drink and have had about 5 speeding tickets in the last 17 yrs.
I had a warrant issued for my arrest for a bad check which I picked up and paid the court fee for the warrant and that ended that with me never being arrested or booked or any other kind of adverse dealing with the Law.

No I am not perfect but I love and care about my children and have done everything I can to be a good daddy and I know my children love me and I have not told my children anything to think badly about their mother.

I just pray that I will get to see my children again, alive and healthy.

[MYSONSDAD]

>A rich man is one who when his pockets are empty, his children fill his arms.<

This just earned you a friendship for life. Nicest thought I have ever read. It says a lot about you...

Well, come join the crowd, we all have been taken in by the court system. Many working to get NCP's more level playing fields in court.
I am sure with your past employment history and a fast education in family court, you know our Constitutional Rights are not being protected. Nice kick in the teeth for all military or LEA. "Protect and Serve" and we will screw you in family court and the price is your kids.

Start reading the articles I posted to you earlier. Education is the key, fighting and never giving up, patience and persistence.

Any chance you could get her to take a hair sample drug test? A Clean out won't work with that. It stays in the folicles for 5-7 years. She won't pass.

Okay, you know the routine, get someone to watch her house, hire a PI if you have to. When you get your kids, have them know what to do in an emergency. Educate them, it could save their lives. At the first sign they feel danger or she is using, have THEM call 911. Let her get turned in by some else. Talk with your kids teachers, stay up on everything. Go to school functions, let the teachers know you by your first name.

I would also look at getting a different judge to hear the case. Any chance of changing jurisdiction? If not, get a lawyer and let him know how chummy mommy and judge are.

This whole thing is bullsh!t! Child endangerment in my book...




"Children learn what they live"

[lyonsden]

to give further info on this; when I went to the DSS office I had letters from my sons school:
                             1 from the principle who has known me by my first name for the last 2 yrs
                             1 from the assistant principle whom is extremely well respected in the school system and the community. This man knows every child in the school by name and if the "God forbid situation" was to ever happen in this school, he would be the first person lay down his life for the children. He has known me since 9th grade were he taught me Physical Science.
                             1 from the guidance councelor who taught me in 3rd grade
                             2 or 3 from my sons home room teacher that states since this has all transpired and my wife has been taking my son to school, my sons attitude has gotten worse, is very adjitated, and does not focus on his school work as well as he was.

As far as being involved in school, I am the one who has done every thing for my son regarding school. All of his IEPs have been done by me, like I said before my wife has only been to my sons school about 5 times in the last 2 yrs, and since getting temporary custody of the children she has been taking him to school late or my Step-sister has been taking him and she is a known Crack cocaine addict. All of which DSS and Family court are totally ignoring.

I went and got a coopy of my childrens medical records and went through them to see if there was anything there- and I now have documentation as to me taking my children to the doctor 90% of the time.

When I first started I figured with all the documentation I had this would be a little easer and boy did I get kicked right in the teeth with steel toed boots.

I have been asked by people how could I walk away from a job making 40K+/yr, real easy because the welfare of my children comes first and foremost.

I have been to almost all of the sites you gave me and I really want to thank for your help. It is a lot of info to digest but I am working on it again thanks a lot.

[MYSONSDAD]

I noticed you posted to Soc. You will need to your list of questions and number them. Then he will reply.

Just edit your post if he has not responded yet.

"Children learn what they live"

[c_alexander]

Ok, I can relate very much to your situation, the only advice I can give you is this. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!! Get everything you and her talk about and everything that happens to the kids or you, or whatever in writing with dates and times. Tape record phone conversatiosn for documentation purposes (although I suggest checking with the states law in regards to this. I live in Indiana and it is leagl to tape record a conversation so long as 1 person in the conversation knows it is being recorded, other sates vary on this). Such tape recorded phone calls won't be allowed to use as evidence, but you can use them to document what happened in a covnersation much more accurately then memory alone.
I would also reccomend trying to get your hands on and copies of your ex wife's medical records. I think that so long as you are still married you can do this I am not sure. But if anywhere in these medical records it states that she suffers from the mental illnesses you can use that in court.
Thridly, I have found in my experiences that if the man has a female lawyer it can be most beneficial. Furthermore a BOARD CERTIFIED FAMILY LAW PRACTIONER is well worth the extra money. These board certified lawyers have to go throguh extensive testing and then be approved by a judge before they can be "certified".
Lastly and most importantly, no matter what make EVERY effort to keep any court ordered child support up to date. I lost 2 seperate custody battles as a result of child support arrears. Sadly the courts care more about money then the childrens well being. In my last court battle we spent less than 5 minutes deciding what was goign to happen with our daughter, but 2 hours on what was owed to who and how much my child support was goign to be.
One final note, keep your nose clean. do not do anything that might be regarded in a bad light by the courts. This includes the company you keep, the way that you present yourself to the courts and the judges, and the way that you handle yourself around your ex. Just because the courts say that you can only see your kids on certain days and certain times does not mean that you can not ask for them at other times. I suggest asking your ex wife to have them as much as possible and document the responses you get. Most importantly remember that KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Use online resources such as SPARCS to the fullest extent. There a lot of knowledgable, nice, and caring people here all wanting to help each other.

I wish you the best in your fight, and if you need anymore guidance, please ask....if I can be of assistance please contact me at [email protected]

Good luck!

[lyonsden]

Today I went to my sons school just to check with his teacher and see how things were going for him in his class(something I have done hundreds of times in the past). When I got to the school office I was told by the Principle that I could not go to my sons class because my wife took the temporary custody order to the school and told them that I was not to sign him out, go to his class, or have any contact with my son at all. Also the principle stated the the head of the Department of Special Services (for children with special needs, because my son is Autistic) was in concurence with this. I called her and asked her and she clarified this that she was told of the Temp order and that was it. This to me is just another sign of PAS.

SECTION 20-7-100. Rights and duties of parents in regard to their minor children.
The mother and father are the joint natural guardians of their minor children and are equally charged with the welfare and education of their minor children and the care and management of the estates of their minor children; and the mother and father have equal power, rights, and duties, and neither parent has any right paramount to the right of the other concerning the custody of the minor or the control of the services or the earnings of the minor or any other matter affecting the minor. Each parent, whether the custodial or noncustodial parent of the child, has equal access and the same right to obtain all educational records and medical records of their minor children and the right to participate in their children's school activities unless prohibited by order of the court. Neither parent shall forcibly take a child from the guardianship of the parent legally entitled to custody of the child.

My court order only gives temporary custody, it does not remove any parental rights.

As I post to SOC the powers that be are going to do nothing until one or both of my children is injured or killed.

Again thanks to all for allowing me to cry on your shoulders.

[wendl]

I would be taking in this section or the entire court order.

The section you gave us does not mean you cannot go to the school, confer with teachers etc.

I would be taking this directly to the school principal and if he continues to deny you , take it to the school board.

Also print up the FERPA LAW.

http://www.ed.gov/policy/gen/guid/fpco/ferpa/index.html



**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[c_alexander]

From the sounds of it they are doing this because they think you are gonna run off with your son. I know that money is tight, but the most important thing you need to do right now before you loose everything is get a good lawyer. This is more important than food, housing, or what have you. I can't stress enough the difference between living the next 18 years of your life in a living HELL, or making them bearably depends on your getting the best representation you can. A good lawyer would but a quick end to such ridiculous behavior on the part of the school and your ex wife.  borrow from friends, family, or whoever you can, scrimp and save every dime, beg if you have to but get that lawyer!!!

[lyonsden]

AS you probable have already gotten the message I sent you. It naver hurts to say thankyou again. So thank you once again I will keep you undated on this end as much as I can. SOC has pointed out my short falls well and I am trying to minimize any further mistakes. I am just so worried because I know how my wifes depression goes up and down and I fear what will happen to my children if Im not there to help.

An old man I new once who lost all of his children in a accident told me to never stop loving your children and always remember the good times for one day you will see them again. I pray that day is soon. I am supposed to pick my children up this week end, but I fear what has went on since the last time I had them with me. My son being Autistic isn't lead in any one direction well and he has screamed and cried to stay with me and my little girl will turn 4 on the 27th of January and I can tell that this is bothering her because is really withdrawn and seems sad, where she was always happy, smiling, and laughing. My nephew came to visit for a few hours during the last visit and made a really load noise and she screamed and ran to me crying saying Daddy get me. I picked her up and asked what was wrong and she said that noise sounded like mommy. What that means I could not discover, omly that the moise and mommy making the noise scared her really bad. It makes me wonder what is going on behind closed doors in my wifes house.

God in heaven help my little children.

[c_alexander]

Yes, I did recieve your e-mail and I apologize for not getting back with you. I recently became unemployeed and have been trying to find employment.
More then you can realize I understand the frustration, worry,  fear and feelings of helplessness that plague you right now.  All I can tell you is to follow clsoely the advice the people on this board give you. they have all been there and back again and are very wise.
As for the time with your children, make every second of that time as special as you can.  I don't mean spoil them rotten or anything. Rather do all you can to build the strongest relationship with them you can. Be the ROCK that they can fall back on when they need you. Divorce is very hard on kids, I don't care how young or old they are. All these kids know is that they love each of their parents equally and now they are put in a position where they feel guilty that they have to choose bewteen one or the other for Holidays, or birhtdays, or whatever. My own daughter gets frustrated because all of her friends parents are together and she wishes that her real mom and dad are together. She even calls her mom's new boyfriend "dad" because it is difficult for her to explain to people who he really is....then she feels guilty for calling him that because I'm her REAL dad.
Like I said divorce is hard on the little ones. As a parent you can do all you can to make it as easy as you can for them, but still there are things they are going to have to work out for themselves. All you can really do liek I said is be  the rock they can lean on. Always be there to listen to them and support them. use every second you have with them to build the strongest bond you can with them....that bond is something no small minded judge can EVER take away from you.
As for the noise and her being scared I too am not sure the significance of that. Perhaps it is jsut a kid being a kid, perhaps there is more too it. They only way to find out mroe is to talk with her. Ask questions and listen. If you get that good lawyer I told you to get and document all of this kidn of stuff you are going to be far better off when you eventually enter that court room.
I won't lie to you and tell you it's gonna be easy. A nasty divorce can be one of the most stressful and terrible things you can ever face in your life. About the only positive thing that I can say is that along the way I have learned much about myself. I have grown as a person and a father. Sometimes divorce is not all bad. Just like a lot of things in life, it all depends on how you want to look at it.

my friend I wish you the best of luck. Please don't be afraid to contact me if I can be of further assistance or if you just need to vent. I know that during my divorce I was going to counseling and it helped a great deal to be able to unload my burdens to someone. Hang in there

[lyonsden]

I know what you mean by the Looking for a job deal. I have been out of work for sometime because of my wifes illness, and now I am haveing to scramble at the last minute to get back in the work force. I don't mind going back to work at all. I read the post the other day about the woman killing her children and herself. She had to have some form of mental illness or she was so selfish that she would rather noone have the children if she could not. This is the thing that worrys me the most.

Well thanks for your time and all the support. See ya soon.

[c_alexander]

Sad to say but there are a lot of really sick peopl elike that woman out there in the world. My ex is probably one of them..those who would rather no one have the kids if she couldn't. I would be a liar if I said that I had never thought about circumventing this country's twisted ideas of "family law" and just taking my daughter. About the only thing that stopped me was the knowledge that someday she would resent me for it. Not to say that I think like that woman that killed her kids mind you, but if I had custody a lot of the things that my ex and I argue about would be eliminated. Unlike her I try to nuture my daughters relationships with her other parent...not try to destroy them. Not trying to bash the ex, just stating it like it is.

I know your fears all too well...only wish i had to power to take thm away not jsut for you, but for everyone. It's a terrible feeling, one that no one should ever have to face. Stay strong friend.

[lyonsden]

I went to the school board and asked for there help in the matter with me not being able to be apart of my sons education. After I provided the CFR and State statute they confered with school attorney and called me back tiday and apolojized for this ever happening. So, what did I do? I went and spent sometime with my son in his class today and when I departed I cried like a baby. It felt so good to be apart of his education again. My son asked when I was going to take him home and I told him this weekend he said "No that want do, cause I want to spend 7,000 nights with you." This from a 7 yr old Child with Autism. God I love my children.

[c_alexander]

Thats good to hear man...very good to hear.

[lyonsden]

This is my first weekeknd that I have my children since this all began. They are both asleep right now and as I type this out I tell you one and all there is no greater joy in the world than to be with your children, the few people in this world that have had to live with their children with no interuptions are truely blessed and they don't even know it.

I look over at my children and see them sleep in complete comfort and they look like little angels. My daughter was scared when she first went to sleep, she keeps telling me that she is afraid of the monster out side the house. I have asked what the monster is and looks like, does it make noise, etc.  No real understandable answer. It makes me wonder what has been going on when I'm not there. She asked me if I would stay with her and of course I did and told her not to worry, daddy was here and she would be just fine. She finally fell asleep and my son was not to far behind, my only solice in this is that I know I have been a good daddy to them both and they show me that they love all the time.

It is such a pieceful thing to see them sleeping, but heart renching to know that they will not be with me tomarrow night after they go back with their mommy, even though they don't want to go back. They have said that my wife tells them not to talk about me and gets angry if they do. I want tell them every thing that has happened because even after all this I want them to be able to spend time with their mommy. They have asked me to go back to the house with them and I have to tell them I can't, but I wish I could, because I still love my wife, but I fear she will have another down day when I or anyone else is around and God only knows what will happen. So if any of you Pray, don't pray for me Pray for them, as I do all the time.

Thank you one and all for letting me cry on your shoulders, God Bless each and everyone of you.

[wendl]

I'm so happy to see the school is letting you be involved again.

I know at my sons Middle School they have an open door poilcy, parents can come sit in classrooms as long as they check in at the office.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**