Disappointment- PAS?

[dipper]

My dh had 50% time with his youngest son until we got married.  Well, it began when we became engaged.  First time his ex had ever mentioned moving - in three years since they had divorced.  Then she did so shortly before we married.  Two hours away.  DH's time has been limited to six days.  SS has been adamant that he wanted to live here.  Judge gave her temp custody with the final hearing Tuesday, Jan. 25th..

DH was painfully naive of his rights and this was used against him last year.  So, I have helped dh research and assert his rights.  SS needed counseling - which dh insisted on, even making the arrangements.  BM took over, while telling ss he doesnt need counseling.  That went nowhere, so  dh arranged for a psychologist who is more suited to ss' needs.  BM has completely been uninvolved.  So, to ss - dad thinks something is wrong - mom doesnt.  DH has communicated with teachers and they ask for his assistance in ss' behavior.  DH gets after ss - and bm doesnt.  In fact, the last time dh called ss about it, she got on the phone asking "What is the problem NOW?"  And two days later ss was getting nice gifts from her friends for being so good in school.  Again, dh looked like the bad guy....while mom was so proud of him.

This weekend, ss refused to visit dh.  First time ever this has happened.  Not only does he refuse this weekend, but stated that next weekend they have plans as well.  Remember, we go to court Tuesday all because ss has said for seven months that he wants to live here.  Now, he doesnt even want to visit.

We are devastated.  Our entire marriage has been stressful with all of this, we have spent money on a lawyer, and devoted so many hours to researching and trying to do everything legally right - just to have the rug pulled away from under us....

We really do believe ss is in trouble if he remains with bm.....his school grades mean nothing - she just shows up for IEP meetings or when otherwise requested for a meeting, he doesnt do homework, he spends school nights at her store at the mall, if not, he is out with her 20'ish year old employees having fun driving around - but rarely ever at home before 9:30 at night.....He gets gifts for nothing - because it certainly is NOT for behaving or making good grades.....and he has behaved in ways that could put him in jail - and bm feels that it is normal to steal, that he has hormones so its not his fault if he fondles a girl, and that its someone else's fault when he stabs a neighbor's tires..........

[Davy]

Dipper

You may find useful information from the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention (OJJDP).  May want to look for 'intervention' etc. Their studies sponsored by the ABA caused the passage of criminal staues in all 50 states for denial of visitation.

Of course permissive  parenting is intentional and purposeful ... very much PAS.  Dad should not flinch and be ready to work with teachers, probation officers, etc etc etc etc etc   The child knows right from wrong and may someday appreciative the structured direction / correction.

Hope this helps !

[MYSONSDAD]

WOW, sounds like this is my ex, the worst is around holidays.

Hang in there, keep SS in the forefront. Do what is best for him. Education in the mess, will help a long way. Sounds like you have a handle on things.

She is trying to buy him.

Good luck!

[dipper]

Thank you for your replies, they have helped.

DH did get a call from ss today.  The mother wasnt nearby as she has been in the past month (listening to every word).  SS told dh that she had already told him that he wasnt coming this weekend because she wasnt bringing him as it was calling for bad weather -and that he wasnt coming next weekend, because she has plans - but wont tell him what they are.  This is probably true because she worked last night - so there was no way she could have brought ss even though it was her weekend.

SS knew dh was willing to pick him up - which is why he waited to call late.  The mother manages a toy store.  She also got a second job as a waitress which we are not supposed to know about.  Tonight and tomorrow night SS is supposed to stay at the toy store while she works as a waitress.  Her 'shift leader' has promised SS a CD for each night if he helps him at the store.   So, SS has been promised gifts.  And its very suspicious that the people who babysit for her become shift leaders.........this guy is about 20 and has only worked at the store a little over a month.  Thing is - she has a lesbian couple that keeps him.  Now, I have two daughters who are now his sisters.....so, she told ss that the couple is like his sisters and has him call them that.  They buy him name brand gifts all the time.  Then the guy - he just started taking care of ss after oss got a home here.  She has now substituted oss in ss' life as well.  

I am worried about what she is up to - and oss is too.  She was calling OSS constantly trying to bribe him to move there - but once she found out he wouldnt, she dropped all contact.  She has been calling his ex-gf trying to dig up dirt.

Believe me, she would destroy her sons if it serves her purpose.  SS is her key to punishing dh and trying to make him miserable.  She has no dirt on us, so again she will make up and try to twist ss.............

Frankly, I think if we had a good lawyer we could bury her......but, this lawyer has waited for the last minute to do anything and now its too late.  Bad weather kept teachers out of school......she cant get verification about the emails we have received.......She wants a continuance but we dont feel we can afford one with BM twisting ss.....

DH does not want to pursue custody if ss says he wants to live with bm.
 That was his reason for trying to get custody - ss wanted to live here.    I am afraid if he doesnt, then it wont be long before ss stops coming at all.  I looked up some articles on PA(s) and it appears our marriage was a trigger as she has no one in her life for long.  She already controlled everything, but dh remarrying made her go into overdrive to hurt him.  I almost feel guilty for marrying him - its as if he lost his son in order to have me....................

[MYSONSDAD]

Find out about what he receives for helping at the store, get a picture and you know the routine. Depending on your SS age, this could bring in child labor laws. Also, the BM doesn't seem to be exercising her custodial duties...

And what is stopping you from driving by the store and getting some pictures, then go immediately down to a one hour photo, get them developed, making sure the date is printed on the back. Tell them not to cut the negatives, leave them in one strip. To help back up the date, find a place that shows time and temperature, take a picture of that and go to the store, take your pictures and then go back and take another picture of date, time. Most banks have this going 24-7...
 
"Children learn what they live"

[Davy]

"Believe me, she would destroy her sons if it serves her purpose. SS is   her key to punishing dh and trying to make him miserable. She has nodirt on us, so again she will make up and try to twist ss............."

ABSOLUTELY...I do believe because I've experienced it over a long period of years and it is still amazing to me how a parent can/will take such actions against their children.  Encourage DH  to get the 20 yr old and the lesbos ( ? bisexuals) totally out of his son's presence and circle of influence .. no threats .. no lawyers ... no judges ... (police on stand-by)  just do it .... these are adults.

Consider a 'Don't ask ... tell " policy ...no one will blame DH.  You do not need proof of anything ...legally a parent has the right to protect a child irregardless of titles.  

[dipper]

I had thought of that - getting pics of ss with this guy at the store.  First of all, we object to this because she doesnt even know this guy other than he has worked for her for a little over a month.  

Our problem - ss lives 2 hours away.  And, we are iced in.  I am going to suggest this to dh though as maybe the roads will be clear enough tomorrow - if we can make it to the major highway, I know we will be fine.   Maybe he can call ss beforehand to make sure she is still planning on leaving him there.  We didnt know ahead of time when this happened last week as she had lied.  Demanded he be returned on Sunday even though he had off of school Monday...saying she had a free day and wanted time with him.....then worked.  Of course she was working at the job she thinks we dont know about so she didnt want us bringing ss home.

One more thing -ss has stolen from her at this store.  We have the loot.  Dh didnt bring it up to her because she had demanded that all children steal - there is nothing wrong with it. He had stolen a knife back in October and 11 packs of yugi-oh cards in November.   And she always blames dh for all of this child's behavior...always.  

Last year, he went with oss to dh's house while dh was working (this was during her time with him).  SS took a knife - he knew he wasnt allowed to have it.  Then when he got home, he stabbed a neighbor's tires.  She said dh was to blame because he had bought the knife!  Actually accused him of this in court......

[dipper]

"ABSOLUTELY...I do believe because I've experienced it over a long period of years and it is still amazing to me how a parent can/will take such actions against their children. Encourage DH to get the 20 yr old and the lesbos ( ? bisexuals) totally out of his son's presence and circle of influence .. no threats .. no lawyers ... no judges ... (police on stand-by) just do it .... these are adults.

Consider a 'Don't ask ... tell " policy ...no one will blame DH. You do not need proof of anything ...legally a parent has the right to protect a child irregardless of titles. "


How can dh get them out of ss' life without the courts?  Now, I am not trying to judge here.... The lesbians - that is a hard one.  SS told us he saw their 'marriage' certificate.  One has a baby - I dont know how, if she had been married before, artificial  whatever, I do not know. However, I do know that ss told us a week ago that the baby was taken away from her by her mother.  There is a further problem here - SS has a gay uncle on both sides.  Now, on dh's side, the uncle does not expose family to his lifestyle.  On bm's side, uncle does bring different boyfriends around.  

As for the 20 year old, he has only worked at the store a little over a month.  So, what does bm really know about him?  The first we heard about him was two weeks ago when he was with ss alone at their apt. and had given ss a video game for behaving in school.

After working in a toy store these people have no home lives to take care of and instead spend their evenings babysitting their boss' 13 year old son.........In the past six days, ss has been home one evening.  Conveniently, bm has told dh that he cannot call ss after 9:30 because ss needs to get ready for bed.....yet, she does not have him home until that time.

[dipper]

I had thought of that - getting pics of ss with this guy at the store.  First of all, we object to this because she doesnt even know this guy other than he has worked for her for a little over a month.  

Our problem - ss lives 2 hours away.  And, we are iced in.  I am going to suggest this to dh though as maybe the roads will be clear enough tomorrow - if we can make it to the major highway, I know we will be fine.   Maybe he can call ss beforehand to make sure she is still planning on leaving him there.  We didnt know ahead of time when this happened last week as she had lied.  Demanded he be returned on Sunday even though he had off of school Monday...saying she had a free day and wanted time with him.....then worked.  Of course she was working at the job she thinks we dont know about so she didnt want us bringing ss home.

One more thing -ss has stolen from her at this store.  We have the loot.  Dh didnt bring it up to her because she had demanded that all children steal - there is nothing wrong with it. He had stolen a knife back in October and 11 packs of yugi-oh cards in November.   And she always blames dh for all of this child's behavior...always.  

Last year, he went with oss to dh's house while dh was working (this was during her time with him).  SS took a knife - he knew he wasnt allowed to have it.  Then when he got home, he stabbed a neighbor's tires.  She said dh was to blame because he had bought the knife!  Actually accused him of this in court......

[dipper]

"ABSOLUTELY...I do believe because I've experienced it over a long period of years and it is still amazing to me how a parent can/will take such actions against their children. Encourage DH to get the 20 yr old and the lesbos ( ? bisexuals) totally out of his son's presence and circle of influence .. no threats .. no lawyers ... no judges ... (police on stand-by) just do it .... these are adults.

Consider a 'Don't ask ... tell " policy ...no one will blame DH. You do not need proof of anything ...legally a parent has the right to protect a child irregardless of titles. "


How can dh get them out of ss' life without the courts?  Now, I am not trying to judge here.... The lesbians - that is a hard one.  SS told us he saw their 'marriage' certificate.  One has a baby - I dont know how, if she had been married before, artificial  whatever, I do not know. However, I do know that ss told us a week ago that the baby was taken away from her by her mother.  There is a further problem here - SS has a gay uncle on both sides.  Now, on dh's side, the uncle does not expose family to his lifestyle.  On bm's side, uncle does bring different boyfriends around.  

As for the 20 year old, he has only worked at the store a little over a month.  So, what does bm really know about him?  The first we heard about him was two weeks ago when he was with ss alone at their apt. and had given ss a video game for behaving in school.

After working in a toy store these people have no home lives to take care of and instead spend their evenings babysitting their boss' 13 year old son.........In the past six days, ss has been home one evening.  Conveniently, bm has told dh that he cannot call ss after 9:30 because ss needs to get ready for bed.....yet, she does not have him home until that time.