Update..court in three weeks, can she do this

[b1798]

Does anyone know if their are any rules about daycare when it comes to the custody situation?
I am the SM to an 18month old SD, right now there is a temp. order giving mother full custody but we get visitation everyother weekend and Wednesday over night. We have wanted joint legal custody and four weeks vacation but mother has refused so our trial date is April 25. Other than her denying more visitation and joint custody our only issue has been daycare. Her BM has placed her with her boyfriends 75 year old parents every day. We pay $125 a week for them to watch her and have continuously tried to get her to change this. We know that the parents love the child and my SD loves them and we arent trying to break their bond. We just feel very uncomfortable with the age and physical abilities of these people. Nonetheless my SD is not in the presence of any other children at all. We have not really pushed the issue but as she approached 2 and becomes more active we are becoming increasingly nervouse about their ability to care for her. The BM opinion is that it is none of our business and that she has full custody. We dont argue with her on very much but this seems to be the major issue. Well now she has sent us letters saying how all DH does is argue with her and joint custody wouldnt be possible because they can never agree. None of this is tru but I guess that is how she expects to get the judge to deny joint.  We are also requesting four weeks unconsecutive vacation time because my husband change jobs at BM request and received more Vacation time. Does anyone know if this will likely be awarded or not? Three weeks seems so far away but yet I dont feel prepared. What should we ecpect at the trial?

PS - All of this stems from a one night stand there was never a relationship between them

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

The burden would be on you to demonstrate that the boyfriend's parents are unfit to care for the child, and use that evidence to reflect the mother's poor decision-making.

Keep in mind, however, that plenty of parents will use their own parents or their in-laws (i.e., if they get married) to help with childcare.

I think you're going to look bad to the court if you try to disparage the boyfriend's parents, based solely on age and speculation.

Further, two-year-old children don't really NEED socialization with other children.  At best, they'll tolerate a parallel play situation with another toddler.  At worst, they'll fight over toys.  But two-year-olds don't yet have the social development to play WITH other children their own age.

Your whole argument about what you want should concentrate on the child's best interest.

WHY is it best for the child for dad to have four unconsecutive weeks?  Well, it's a fair argument to say a very young child should not go four CONSECUTIVE weeks without seeing a parent, so dad should hammer that.

If the father is available to care for the kids, instead of having them with an unrelated caretaker, that's also a reasonable "best interest" argument to increase time with dad during the week.  It may or may not succeed, but it puts more on the table for the mother to lose.

And THAT argument (about the babysitters) is much more reasonable than speculating that these people aren't fit to babysit.

Right now, the mother doesn't have much to lose.  Whether you get two or four weeks of vacation, it's not much different to her.  Whether she gets sole legal or joint legal, it's not much different to a primary caretaker because realistically it's so difficult to enforce "joint legal" custody... unless every decision-making rule is clearly defined in orders.

"Joint legal" without any further quantification is meaningless.

So, you'd want specific orders on how health appts are handled, school selection, etc.

At trial, you can expect each side to put on its case.  If you're not prepared, you won't prevail... so it sounds like you and your husband have a bit of work to do!

[b1798]

thank you for your honesty...and mostly i agree. However I am a teacher and have always been taught quite the opposite when it comes to children learning social skills. At 2 they should begin a structured learning environment with other children. You see in MD preschool is all day whereas most states it is only half day. And now the requirements children must fulfill are way more in depth than a home can provide. We are willing to compromise and say she can remain their 2 days and go to a pre pre-school program the other three but she wont even hear our side.  I know how the joint legal can  not really be enforced and our order is very specific, but we dont want to be in court forever. We havent had any problems with her following the rules once they are set by the courts its just getting the courts to set them.  I was just wondering if we could do anything. And yes a lot of families do home daycare. My DH's mom stays at home with his little brother and has offered free daycare since the beginning but BM refuses. And the advice about asking to have the child if he is off work is something we had tried to go for since the beginning but to no prevail. You see my DH is constructive so during the winter months he only works 3-4 days a week. He asked that if he told BM the night before if he could have the child and she said no, that it wasnt fair to the daycare providers. So I dont know if we can get that.  She is only agreeing to 2 weeks vacation unconsecutive. We only live 5 miles from her so we dont see the big deal.  She has an amzing way of refusing all types of mediation and yet still making us look like the bad guys. But I truly appreciate the advice. We have been going through this for the past 18 months and I think that now that it is coming time for the decision we are just worried becasue she seems so sure of herself. I guess at this point we really dont have anything to lose

[CustodyIQ]

>I guess at this point we really dont have anything to lose

Okay, I'll defer to your child development knowledge so we don't get into an interesting (but distracting) discussion on that... but I'll instead change the emphasis to... a judge won't CARE if a two year old isn't exposed to other kids.

What matters in your case is what matters to the JUDGE.  What you or your husband thinks is best is not how to frame the case.  What a JUDGE will find relevant is to how to argue the case.

Judges want to ensure that a child has average (or better) care, average (or better) environment, average (or better) stability, and reasonable access to build a bond with both parents (so long as both parents are average or better).

"Average" is below the standard of good parents, but it's the standard that the judge wants to make sure is met.

With regard to your statement above, I don't know if it's too late to modify what you're requesting from the court.

It's a good rule of thumb that if you ask for MORE than you really want, so long as your request is reasonably supported by your case, you can lose more of your request without feeling devastated.

And if you ask for MORE than you really want (but can still handle if you get it all), it means the mother has greater incentive to settle before the trial, because she may lose MORE.

It gives you way more compromising room to ask for more.  So long as your request for relief (from the court) is reasonably supported by your position, the judge shouldn't find it outrageous.  She/he may not agree, but she/he won't dismiss you as unreasonable and won't just flick you aside like a bug.

Regarding daycare and your husband's work, it wouldn't hurt to lay that out to the court (i.e., that his work is largely seasonal) and ask for orders of first right of refusal from November to March.  This means that before the mother arranges daycare during those months, she first asks the dad if he's available.

[reagantrooper]

I would focus on the whole boy friends parents thing instead of just thier age! I mean the boy friends parents!  

How long has the BF been the BF? WHY are his parents at thier age or any age so willing to watch a child that they have NO relation to?  I would be VERY leary of my Xs BFs parents watching my kid! Seems kinda odd to me.

I certainly hope that you have checked the background of these "nice" old folks. Also the BFs back ground.

Are you sure that BM has sole custody? If that is the case you guys certainly have great parenting time for a non joint custody situation.

[b1798]

Thank you..finally someone thinks the same as us. My fiance feels very awkward going into their home since they are theBM's BF's parents but she gives him no choice. Its almost as if she takes pleasure in it. A lot of time when we are supposed to drop the baby off at the BM's she will call and tell us to bring her to the BF's parents home. They have been together for 4 years, its a long story, her BF cant have children so BM went out to the local bar until she got one. Only I dont think that either of them figured that some guy from the bar would fight for his child.  Yes we gave her temporary sole custody b/c she gave us the wednesday nights, but we have been fighting for the joint all along. She doesnt call if the baby is sick or tell us if she is going away and wont let us in on any decision making. Thats why we want the joint custody.  Here's some good advice: if the BM continuously refers to the child as "her child" you have a long road ahead of you. We shouldve asked for more but we didnt want to piss her off so now its down to keeping her on Sunday nights on our weekends instead of returning her to BM.  To those of you who only fight with the ex when you see them that is the perfect visitation schedule. If we get the sunday nights we won't even see the mother except for on holidays. That makes for so much better than constantly arguing with one another when you pick up the chil/drop them off. I believe the only reason we have so much time is b/c we only live 10 miles away its a quick 5 min drive and we are in the same school  district.  She gave us that we just hope the judge grants us the Sunday nights and the 4 weeks vacation.

[CustodyIQ]

Hi,

I respectfully disagree on what to "focus on" if the intent is to influence a court.

I agree with you and the original poster that it's ODD, but it's ONLY relevant if they're not fit to babysit.

Unless a person (related or not) is a threat to a child, the judge really won't care who the babysitter is.

So, it's fine to investigate their background, and if relevant evidence turns up, that's fine too.

But cases aren't won on what's odd or weird.

Significantly changing the status quo arrangements are based upon showing harm coming to the child from said arrangements.

[treading water]

Hi,

Just a thought here, but have you considered approaching this from another angle?  If you are paying the grandparents directly for the child care, you really should get their SS# so that you can report the child care expense on your 1040.  This will of course require the GPs to report the money received as income, and possibly pay taxes on it.  If you casually start to request this info then the GPs might not want to deal with this and tell the mother they can't do it anymore.  Make the request as non-antagonizing as possible, but let them know that you will be needing their SS# before you can make any more payments to them.  Worst case is that the BM files contempt charges on you, but those would not stick if you set the money aside and convey a willingness to pay all monies due as soon as they provide you with the information that they need to provide you.  Or continue to pay, but let them know that you will be providing the IRS with all the info on them that you do have.  

And the bonus to this is that you do not have to deal with the BM since it is really none of her concern.  It is between you and the child care providers.

Other thoughts out there?

[ocean]

I was thinking this also. Here, I have to put the kids in a certified daycare or after-school program for their father to pay half. Then we split the amount at tax time. I would take it from this angle also but I would deal with it through BM. Is the child care court ordered now?

[b1798]

No, we go to court in two weeks now and that is a big issue we are dealing with....We dont pay the GP's directly but the BM has provided checks made out to them. We dont know for sure if they aren't just cashing them and giving them back to her. We have thought about approaching it from this angle but it will surely cause a battle. If BM would allow us to write half off we would half no problem, but she has refused to allow us any tax exemptions unless we agree to her terms. It is just hard at the end of the year becasue DH is self employed but cant claim child support-we may have to resort to going to this route if BM can't reach compromise soon. Thanks for all the great advice.

[ocean]

When the daycare issue is brought up, I would have him state that he will pay half of a certified daycare. If she states that the "grandparents" are watching the child, then say fine but grandparents do it for free :) If  it is not court ordered now, I would be careful paying that bill because then you are saying you agree to that set up. Do you have a lawyer? I really think you have a good chance with this battle but half of the cost of a daycare place vs the amount you are paying now is what? Here, daycare has to be when the CP works and not just because CP feels like it. Good Luck!

[Genie]

hate to say it but only the custodial parent is entitled to claim any child care paid on taxes.  Even if the NCP is paying 1/2, the NCP can't claim any of what is being paid.  This is tax guidelines.  That is how it is even if it stinks and isn't fair.

As for who is watching my children, I would much rather have it be someone they know and love (like the BF's parents in this case) than a day care center with people who don't care for my child as well.  At BF's parent's house, she is getting tons of attention and love. Any place else, that won't happen.

Also at her age, there is a huge adjustment to changing child care places.  Many children have a hard time at drop offs and staying with someone new for several weeks. Some may take alot longer to get used to it. Some adjust quickly.

You mentioned paying $125. Not sure if this is your 1/2 or the total per week. If only your 1/2, that is alot ($250per wk) to be paying them a week for 1 child.  I would question that. If $125 is the total per week, I would say that is OK then.

My point is to pick your battles wisely.  I think the child is in a good place and would keep her there. I think the time you get to spend with her is more important.  As long as they can physically take care of her, I say let her go there. My SIL's parents are in their middle to later 70's and I would not hesitate to have them watch my girls. They are in great shape body and mind for their age.

Good luck at court. Let us know how it ends up.

[ocean]

Not true and NCP can claim especially if it is in your separation or divorce papers....This is from the IRS site...

Child of divorced or separated parents.   Even if you cannot claim your child as a dependent, he or she is treated as your qualifying person if:


      The child was under age 13 or was physically or mentally not able to care for himself or herself,


      You were the child's custodial parent (the parent with whom the child lived for the greater part of 2005), and

      The noncustodial parent is entitled to claim the child as a dependent under the special rules for a child of divorced or separated parents.

[Ref]

A noncustodial parent can claim the child as a dependent for certain purposes. The most common, and in my opinion, the most useful is the dependency exemption. A noncustodial has the right also to receive the child tax credit.

Two items that people get the most confused over is the Child and Dependent Care Credit and the Earned Income Credit. Both of those get to be claimed by the custodial parent ALWAYS.  People assume because you have the dependency exemption you are entitled to all of it. This is not the case.

IRS PUB 503 talks about the Child and Dependent Care Credit. I admit, the wording is confusing, but it basically states that if the items listed by the prior poster are true, then you get the credit. Then they throw in that the last part "If this applies, the noncustodial parent cannot treat the child as a qualifying person." This means if you are NCP, you lose the credit.

Turbo Tax also has a FAQ 32.23.

The question is  something to the effect that "my ex has dependency exemption for this year according to our papers, can he also get child care credit?" The answer is that only the custodial may get this credit.

Now, it is crap and unfair but this is the tax law.

Hope I clarified.

BTW... I am a public accountant with some tax experience.

Ref

[ocean]

I guess I was being fair....can you legally put it into your child support papers that the NCP can claim the amount they pay? I guess as long both parents don't claim the IRS will not investigate it because we both have been doing it but splitting the amount so it adds up to what the childcare center gets. Thanks for clarifying!

[Ref]

Only the custodial can claim the credit. I guess it would be a conflict between the Family Court and the IRS.

I guess this is the best way to look at it. If your court papers said that you could teach your child to drive at 14, but your state requires that they are 16 to drive, you wouldn't get in trouble in family court if you let them drive at 14 but you would get in trouble through the DMV. Most judges know the state driving age, so they probably wouldn't put that in the papers, but I bet most judges aren't familiar with IRS rules.

Ultimately, I don't think the IRS is running around looking for this type of thing, so as long as the custodial doesn't call you on it, you are probably going to be ok.

Good Luck
Ref

[flagmom]

You are asking a lot from a mother of such a young child. Wait another year or so then the child will be more ready for more time away from Mom. Developmently it is not right.

[b1798]

We are asking a lot? we have been treated like crap from the get go...the message people like you send is "don't be a dead beat dad and pay up, but don't think you deserve much in return". For us dad's who are out there busting our butts to prove our love all we get is "Just wait, give it more time" and all the while our children are growing up and we are missing out. I think the situation of seperated parents sucks all around if you can start younger the better, then the child wont remember all the crap in between. You are telling me that her mother's boyfriend and his parents should have more rights than me and my family (atleast for one more year). I have been fighting tooth and nail since the day my daughter is born and yet I continualy get punished, this is the reason for dead beat dad's. How about asking a lot from the father of such a young child, I wasn't allowed to see her taked her first step or say her first words so excuse me if I become extremely offended. I have gathered from your post that a child can not handle time away fromt he mother but is okay with out a father...I completely disagree.

[flagmom]

You did not have this child in a committed relationship and I assume that you are educated enough to know the consequences of sex.

Every other weekend and Wednesday night is more than you deserve from what I can tell by your bad attitude toward this child's mother. Your child is growing up and you are getting time with her weekly so what is your problem.

I'm sorry but you are not the mother and never will be her mother. You did not carry this child in your womb. The mother/child bond that formed from this experience you and your girlfriend will never be able to have with this daughter. But be patient because she will grow up and the people around her will become more and more important to her development. You are getting time with her so why are you crying? If you study child development check out what happens at 18 months how the baby emotionally needs to reconnect with her MOTHER (the person she has not yet individuated with yet since conception).

I'm not saying that time away from mother can not happen but it needs to be handled very delicately not to serve your ego but to serve the child. Watch and listen to the child because she will let you know when it is easy to be away from mom and her familiar emotionally grounding environment. I have 3 children and I experienced the same thing with all of them and it didn't happen before 1 1/2 years old. The child I'm sure recognizes who you are and your role and it isn't as big as you would like it to be because you are not married to her mother. Very simple. To be a real dad you must be serving the mother not just donating some sperm one night. And I am not just talking a small amount of money that the state says you should pay. And I don't really care if you do pay especially with all the strings you have attached to your blessed money. I would almost bet that the mother would love to give up the child support for you to stop hassling her. Wonder what the answer to that question would be?

Go have a baby with your new girlfriend and stop legally harrassing your one night stand. You are hurting your child by causing her stress with legal threats against her mother. Can you put your hugh ego aside and consider the reprecusions you are having on your daughter's home life by forcing her mother into court action? No it is more important for you to get more time with her right NOW. Please stop fighting with the mother and I bet you will get more time. Do it for the child's sake?

[lucky]

[em]"I'm sorry but you are not the mother and never will be her mother. You did not carry this child in your womb. ...To be a real dad you must be serving the mother not just donating some sperm one night. "[/em]

What the hell is this?!?  All children need BOTH parents from day one unless one of them is provably abusive (i.e. not just because "mom says") TO THE CHILD.  And I'm a mother who was CP from day 1 through 13 yo of a daughter who STILL remembers what it was like (NOT GOOD) to not have daddy in her life for the first 6 years - she's now 19 yo.  In my case, it was his choice.

In any case, Mom is NOT automatically the best parent just because she carried the child and gave birth.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Gram]

I disagree. Children do not need both parents from day one, they need their mothers. Generations of children have been raised primarily by their mothers. It's only been in the last 25 years or so that some men in this country have decided to argue for "parenting equality." Young children, especially babies and toddlers, primarily need the care of their mother. That's not to say that fathers aren't important. They are. Relationships with involved and loving dads are critical to a child's growth and development, and these relationships evolve over many years. But the relationship between a child and his mother begins before birth, and is the child's most important bond. For heaven's sake, he was part of his mother's body for 9 months! I don't think the BF has to "serve" the mother, but in the interest of what's truly best for the child, the BF needs to treat her with respect and compassion. If the BM is a loving, nurturing parent, the father ought to be grateful for that. It makes sense that he should see the young child frequently, but for short periods of time. Young children do not need to spend long periods of time away from their mothers.

[Ref]

For someone who claims to have been an educator for so long, you sound completely uneducated. From reading your posts I honestly can't tell whether you are a troll or simply an old lady with antiquated ideas.

You have obviously not walked in any of our shoes and you speak as though you are an expert. We don't need you here to play devil's advocate. Many of us on this board are both mothers and stepmoms. Look at Mixed Bag for an example.

I am not sure why you continue to post on this board. Are you trying to help or do you enjoy trolling?

Please educate yourself before trying to give such aweful advice or just read and don't post.

Ref

[MixedBag]

I haven't read the entire thread -- but I get the gist of what's going on.

Recently, I was given a copy of a study that recommends for parents living close to each other that a primary residence based on care taking history be selected.  The non-residential parent has short, frequent visits DAILY depending on availability and caretaking history.  If dual primary parents, share daytime caretaking, estalbish one night time caretakeer.  Overnights are not recommended.

This is NOT ME speaking.  This "source" that I was given is dated 1988, authors Baris, Mitchell A. PhD. and Garrity, Carla B. PhD., "Childrenof Divorce: A developmental Approach to Residence and Visitation, Psytec Corporation.  I only have a copy of part of that study which is the table format of the "short version" of the "Developmental Guidelines for Residence and Visitation Arrangements."

This same study recommends starting at age 2 the following:  Time initially distributed in proportion to parent's direct caretaking prior to divorce.  May introduce longer visitation periods for child gradually thoughout this state to a maximum of a split week.  Implement overnights for child - 1 per week initially, extend to a maximum of 3 per week toward the end of this stage.  Long weekend, short weekend concept, preferably including a week day visit, is a possiblity ifone parent works fulltime during th week and the other does not.

So even at the age of 2, they recommend migrating toward CLOSE to 50/50 time with both parents.

Bonding is critical to both parents particularly during the first 2 1/2 years of the child's life.

MOST people/posters here believe that both Mom and Dad can be primary caretakers from the very begining for infants.

So -- there are studies out there that support a point of view that most of us here don't agree with.  However, this particular study recommends MORE time (after the initial infancy period) than most of us NCPs get with our children.  So there are pros and cons to citing it.....

Bottom line is that children need both Mom and Dad in their lives and that EX-husbands and EX-wives (or EX-girlfriends/boyfriends/partners) need to get OVER the intimate relationship of marriage or partnership that they used to have, and migrate to a parental partnership until their child emancipates.

[MixedBag]

so how about starting a new thread and giving us an update on how court went?

We learn from each other's experiences here, so please share yours!

[MixedBag]

so how about starting a new thread and giving us an update on how court went?

We learn from each other's experiences here, so please share yours!

[MixedBag]

so how about starting a new thread and giving us an update on how court went?

We learn from each other's experiences here, so please share yours!

[b1798]

This reply is coming from the stepmother.....and I am going to end this debate with "everyone can have their own opinion". My husband truly loves his daughter and would give anything to have more time with her. I understand that I am not her mother nor do I want to be, yes I want my own children but a little bit of respect for treating my SD like my own would be nice. I guess in some twisted way some BM would want the step parent to treat the child like crap so they would be considered better, but i wont do this. Yes she is not mine but i will absolutely treat her like she is. No her BM is not some horrble abusive drug addicted parent and we are not trying to say that at all, but neither is my husband so our inquiry was simply based on why BM are automatically given the heads up. Have you ever been told you could see your child 8 days a month? Obviously not, this is not for our ego's at all we simply want that little girl to know we want and love her just as much as our own chilldren. You can not tell me that by that little girl entering my home 8 days a month and especially after we have more childre she is going to feel comfortable.

Money
This is by far the least worries for us....no one can go through 2 years of court cost and lawyers and tell me we are doing it to pay less money. We pay BM $700 a month and thats not a concern for us. We are young and not rich but wee arent going to succumb to being deadbeats either.  I would love to be able to pay for all of our childrens colleges, weddings, first home down payments, etc. but feasibly it wont happen. BM has offered us joint custody and 50/50 visitation if we continue to pay her for sole.....who is it about the money for? We decided against it b/c we refuse to sell our souls to the devil over it. My husbands abilities as a father and love for her should be enough. Oh and she filed not us.

You are right it was a one night stand and he should've known what could happen as she should've too. They are both adults but her opinion as is yours was that he was simply a sperm donor. We arent going to quit and we wan it over before SD gets old enough to know what is going on. I truly hope that your childrens father never puts you through this because it brings emotions you never knew existed. Ignorance to being open minded seems to stop many people from believing that we live back in the stone age when the mother was the child's rock. This is no longer true.

We will have our own children one day when I am ready , but I commend my husband "for stepping up from a one night stand" and being a real father. This is one of the main reasons I married him.

To thos of you fathers or families going through this it is a tough battle but worth it, I truly believe what goes around comes around and that in the end GOD will make it right. Good Luck

Update...Court is tomorrow at 10 am I will update with a new posting on the verdicts...please say a prayer for us

[b1798]

           This reply is coming from the stepmother.....and I am going to end this debate with "everyone can have their own opinion". My husband truly loves his daughter and would give anything to have more time with her. I understand that I am not her mother nor do I want to be, yes I want my own children but a little bit of respect for treating my SD like my own would be nice. I guess in some twisted way some BM would want the step parent to treat the child like crap so they would be considered better, but i wont do this. Yes she is not mine but i will absolutely treat her like she is. No her BM is not some horrble abusive drug addicted parent and we are not trying to say that at all, but neither is my husband so our inquiry was simply based on why BM are automatically given the heads up. Have you ever been told you could see your child 8 days a month? Obviously not, this is not for our ego's at all we simply want that little girl to know we want and love her just as much as our own chilldren. You can not tell me that by that little girl entering my home 8 days a month and especially after we have more childre she is going to feel comfortable.

Money
This is by far the least worries for us....no one can go through 2 years of court cost and lawyers and tell me we are doing it to pay less money. We pay BM $700 a month and thats not a concern for us. We are young and not rich but wee arent going to succumb to being deadbeats either. I would love to be able to pay for all of our childrens colleges, weddings, first home down payments, etc. but feasibly it wont happen. BM has offered us joint custody and 50/50 visitation if we continue to pay her for sole.....who is it about the money for? We decided against it b/c we refuse to sell our souls to the devil over it. My husbands abilities as a father and love for her should be enough. Oh and she filed not us.

You are right it was a one night stand and he should've known what could happen as she should've too. They are both adults but her opinion as is yours was that he was simply a sperm donor. We arent going to quit and we wan it over before SD gets old enough to know what is going on. I truly hope that your childrens father never puts you through this because it brings emotions you never knew existed. Ignorance to being open minded seems to stop many people from believing that we live back in the stone age when the mother was the child's rock. This is no longer true.

We will have our own children one day when I am ready , but I commend my husband "for stepping up from a one night stand" and being a real father. This is one of the main reasons I married him.

To thos of you fathers or families going through this it is a tough battle but worth it, I truly believe what goes around comes around and that in the end GOD will make it right. Good Luck

Update...Court is tomorrow at 10 am I will update with a new posting on the verdicts...please say a prayer for us

 

[MixedBag]

tomorrow after 10 am has happened...

[b1798]

Hi- Sorry...I was not in the office yesterday. We walked away with joint legal custody, which we had none before. Same visitation schedule as before only 3 weeks instead of 2 vacation. Everyother year tax exemption and we agreed to pay 50% of all health costs. we didnt end up going to trial but settling outside the courtroom. It still took almost 8 hours of negotiating and we walked away not happy but not sad, we are content.  We have Wednesday overnights noow and BM wanted to put in agreement that they would cease once child became of school age, but we refused unless she was willing to determine then and there where the days would be made up. She refused, but we stuck in there and didnt give in, we ended up wording the agreement that both parties agreed that the minor child entering school was a major change in circumstance. This would not allow the BM to just take away our Wednesday when child started school. But if she was not willing to reach an agreement with us about a new vistiation schedulel that we liked, it would be HER responsibility to take us back to court in 3 years. (She is the type that would just take them away and that was that. We also got all federal holidays appended to he weekends we had her in our custody only problem is Labor Day and Memorial Day fall on the same parents weekend for 7 years in a row so we are discussing making those seperate holidays and rotating them. We ddefinately would've liked more visitation, but if we had gone to trial we probably wouldnt have gotten joint legal which is a plus. She has final decision making power though so i dont know how beneficial it will be to us.  I believe overall we did well, we accept the fact that we will probably be back in court in three years but until then we have our lives back. As for the daycare nothing was changed but wee made special note to all parties that we didnt agree with the arrangement and that any mishaps that became of her staying there were under the sole decision making of the BM. That way if something happens we can use it against the BM for making the bad choice. Its true in court you never WIN  and i dont feel a lot better or a lot worse. I am still dealing with the fact that this will be ongoing for the next 16 years.  It does bring some satisfaction in that the mother wanted to change her mind on the agreement at the last minute and wasnt allowed to . So atleast i know she left more upset then us, which to some may be cruel but to me is a small victory after the hell we have been through. We are still working through some small gliches like Memorial Day and Labor Day and I will let you know what comes of them. Aim high in what you want, but dont put all your hopes into it....be willing to JUST be satisfied. Good Luck to all of you fighting, who knows over the years the system may get better..lol