Volatile custody exchange today....

[dipper]

Today was custody reversal.  DH had sent bm letter two weeks ago saying we would pick son up at 8 p.m.

She calls oldest son's cell today and leaves a message (while we were working) saying that they had 'prior engagement' and would not be there...that I could come at 8 if I wanted to, but they wont be there.  

Fine, dh, my daughter, andwe get there at 9:05 and they come from home of married neighbor (whose wife has been in jail for about five months now).  He has a young son whom bm is spending lots of time with...this was the engagement, going to the child's ball game, arriving home at 8:15 and then having son explain to child why he would not be around for a few weeks.

BM follows son from neighbor's house into her parent's home (they live there), then out to my van.  son gets in on my side and bm goes around and begins yelling at dh.

She states she will be picking son up at camp and keep him the weekend.  DH simply, calmly stated, "no you're not."  

This escalates with her screaming, "Excuse me! Excuse me!  He is MY son...."     You will find yourself in court because I am filing contempt...

DH told her, once again, calmly - You cant file for something i havent done.

When she began screaming again, DH told her he did not have to listen to this.    He put the van in reverse and she is screaming, 'You *ucking idiot!"...as 14 year old son and 13 year old daughter are witnessing all of this.

She could have approached dh while son was in house - but always does this in front of him.  DH is tired of listening to the cursing and screaming every time....

Also, from what we understand, she is planning on taking son on vacation during time I said he needs to be home to prepare for his new school.  What can we do if this is true?  

We completely believe she is going to file contempt.  She violated the order tonight by standing there cursing me in front of son....

The court order is worded exactly as it has been for two years, only the roles have changed.  Now, she is demanding the court order gives her visitation it never gave dh  

This is so hypocritical considering she has taken dh's time from him, completely dictated every minute of visitation, and refused to ever go along with any schedule of visitaiton saying that , "I am not going to agree to YOUR schedule as circumstances may alter this..."

[MixedBag]

You're right she is being hypocritical.  Don't stoop to her level and thank your lucky stars that Dad has the opportunity to provide a better environment filled with love for his child.

Make your house a safe haven from fights.  Work hard on providing your child a sanctuary from everything he has seen over the years.  Time will heal these wounds.  Do your absolute best to never bad mouth the mom in front of the child, no matter how foul mouthed she can be or is.

That's the approach we both take for each of our boys and it works wonders.   I believe both boys really enjoy our relaxing environment for the time they are with us.....and neither one of our EXs understands this.

[BelleMere]

using police if need be. So, for example, she can't take him on vacation during time he is CO'd to be with you all unless you agree. Now, since you have been on the other end, as NCP, it's up to you if you want to be flexible with her. Flexibility is usually better for the child. And they don't usually need more than a day or so to prepare for school. If that. The first few days at school are slow anyway. Personally, I'd let her take him on vacation.

[dipper]

Thanks Mixed....that is our point as well.  We are to set the example and here she is mouthing off and cursing dh - it is so much worse when ss is there.

Like I have stated, on the phone she will call dh a jerk...but, in person - in front of ss, he is a "Mf"  "SOB" or..."F*** Idiot!"

right now, ss feels dh should tell her off.  He is very stern that the next time she says, "he is MY son."  that dh should say, "He is MY son too!"  

We tried to explain to ss that dh handled it the best..and I think in the end last night, ss was just as proud as I am at how dh handled things.

I do think the idea of recording her has reached an absolute MUST though....

[dipper]

This will be his first time at this school.  A few days before school begins, they have open house where we can pay his fees and he can meet teachers, etc......   HE wants to do this.  

If he wants extra time, dh will not block it.  But, it is beyond hypocritical for her to run around threatening contempt while demanding time that was never a part of it when dh was the NCP.  Why is she wanting ss that week in August - control!!  

I found a letter from 2004 saying, "he may not be with you until Saturday of these weekends....."   Yeah..and the court order says Friday!

She will get every minute of time the court order says -and then some if ss chooses.  But, nothing she does is ever for him....it is always for herself.  She never even spent one weekend with him until we got married and then all of a sudden, she wanted HER son with her....

We will not incite trouble, but no longer will we beg her for time to see ss.

Also, keep in mind that he has been in her care until June 15th, so we need to spend time with him this summer.....we have had less than six days a month - depending on if she would allow visitation or not..

[armywife]

I totally disagree with letting mom take him on vacation right before school starts.  The custody orders are written to have children back a week before school starts for a reason.  First of all, he needs that time to transition between households before the big push of school starts.  Also, the first days of school are very important.  Routines are set,  teachers set their standards, friends are made.  

Yes, being flexible is a good thing, but from the looks of your ex, if you gave her inch, she would take a mile.  When we went through our custody reversal the mantra was, "We're going by the court order, we're going by the court order."  There were so many requests, demands, and threats that we had to give that response repeatedly.  It was the only thing that worked.  

How can she file contempt charges when you are only following the court order?  If she kept him longer, she would be the one in contempt, right?

[lucky]

Is it possible, that once ss is no longer in her daily "care" that she'll "forget" how badly she wants him and won't (attempt to) exercise the pickup from camp and the time in August?

When does she next get to have ss?

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Wi-Mom]

How about bringing a video camera to each and every single exchange. My digital camera takes small videos.

As soon as she sees the camera...she'll curb her language! hehe.

[msme]

If you are in a one party state, you could use a mini tape recorder & a collar mic. When she begins her tirade, simply state, "Please do not use that language in the presence of the children." she will probably just yell louder. Then tell her that it is wrong to discuss these things in front of the children. she will probably go off even more. Then quietly state that it is in the children's best interests that you leave & then leave. she will probably still be screaming & you will have it all on tape.

Good luck & God bless

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[gipsy]

I've said it many time here , Get a Video camera , Then if it goes to court you have no problem showing the Judge whi is doing what , And in My case it seemed to put an end to the STORY TELLING about what goes on at the transfer , My two cents , Give her the extra visit etc , Don't do tit for tat ,
   Really , When I proposed to the Guardian ad Litem That I have custody because themomwas being a pian , The GAL said this usually just reverses the game , And its the same crap just Dad has custody , SOOOOOO Be aware that the court knows that this happens and its common knowledge,

  Personally I would figure I had won at the point you are at , And I would show that you aren't going to lower your self to Games , If she has a reason to do things and wants the kids then Let her have them , And if this infringement on prepareing for school can be worked through whileletting her have the child then so be it , Don't just do any of the tit for tat because she is a hippocrite ,
     I have done some tit for tat , But under the advice of my atty , I did not bend on the parenting plan Because she did npt bend for me m, SOOO  Yesthis is My opinion and Yes it is a decision that circmstance Must be weighed , And Believ me the kids get sickof this crap ! So DONT PLAY