Boy did I mess up...

soft dad · Jun 20, 2006, 11:38:03 AM

Here's my story... Divorced after 10 years of marriage, 3 daughters aged 17,10,6. When I first left, visits were great, my daughters looked forward to seeing me, I would take my middle daughter to school everyday, they always called me, and I always called them. When my ex found out I was dating someone, she started telling my girls that I care more for my girlfriend and her boys. Telling them I was never around for them anyway, that if I loved them, I wouldn't have left. They weren't even allowed to speak my name in the house.Well, you all know about alienation. Anyway, two years ago she met a guy, he moves in right away, which is fine, the kids liked him, and he seemed good to them. This is when my problems really start. Visits became less frequent, there was always something else they wanted to do with mom and her BF. Trying to be flexible, I would allow it. First it was leaving on Sun. morning instead of evening, then only staying till Sat. morning. then not wanting to come on the Wed. nites. And if ever I asked them why they didn't want to spend time with me, they say "The time we spend together is fine".Toward the end of last summer, I picked them up Friday afterwork, we had plans to go to the beach Sat. About 7:30 mom calls, so as usual I walked outside to let them speak. When I came in they told me they wanted to go home, I said no, this is our time. My youngest daughter started crying (almost hysterically) saying "Daddy, please don't make me stay". So, I let them go. Since then, I have seen my 2 youngest maybe 5 times, and only to take them out to dinner. They won't come to my house, because they "don't feel comfortable around my GF and her sons". My oldest daughter moved in with me last Nov. About 2 months ago, I overheard my youngest daughter call mom's BF "daddy", and he answered. It broke my heart, but mostly made me angry. When I confronted my ex with this, she denied it. Then a few days later, mom's BF comes to pick up my oldest for breakfast with my 2 youngest. Again, I hear her call him daddy. Again I call ex's house, BF answers and says "Whatever goes on in this house is none of your business, if they want to call me daddy that's fine". I told him anything that goes on in my daughters lives is my business. Big screamfest unfortunately. So anyway, my daughters have stopped answering the phone altogether, They went to the father/daughter dance with him. THEY DIDN'T EVEN CALL ME ON FATHERS DAY!!!
I am empty inside. Sorry it's so long, and doesn't even scratch the surface of what has happened to me. I just know it's my fault for giving my daughter's the option of not staying with me. BTW, my child support is above guidelines and ALWAYS current. I'm just looking for support, not opinions of what I should do.
Thanks for listening.

BelleMere · Jun 20, 2006, 01:03:41 PM

You sound like a good guy who has always tried to be more than fair. I firmly believe that the truth will out in the end, altho it is painful in the meantime. Sometimes the kids have to go along with the alienation for survival - just keep doing the right thing, keep your heart and your door open, and be ready for that day in the future when they are free to come to you. Which will happen - it's the bonding in the early years that matters the most, you know.

Quyrah · Jun 20, 2006, 03:55:17 PM

My thoughts & prayers are with you. I didn't hear from my daughter neither on Father's Day. Lost my baby girl to her mother's horrible training. Have done all I can do and am finally giving up. Not worth the fighting but will continue to try to email and send gifts on holidays etc. Best I can do until she wants to know more.

I pray that you too will find some comfort one day.

Best to you

Q.

soft dad · Jun 20, 2006, 04:28:33 PM

Q, thank you.. I have given up also (as sad as it sounds). Everyone says they'll come back, but it doesn't make it feel any better. We are missing out on the greatest moments. I just hope karma is for real.

soft dad · Jun 20, 2006, 04:38:21 PM

Thank you Belle, my door will always be open, but for now, my heart is stone. I know that what my girls are doing is out of self-preservation, but not even a phone call??? BTW, my oldest daughter has been living with me for 8 months, I'm still paying CS to my ex for her. She actually reimbursed me for 3months. But she is asking for me to pay half of my middle daughters braces. By my calculations, I already have. The last time my daughter answered my call was just to ask me when I was going to pay mommy for her braces, I just told her that that was between me and mommy. I guess that's enough for now.
Thank you...

Quyrah · Jun 20, 2006, 05:09:36 PM

Soft Dad

Believe you me, I certainly can relate. This was my second divorce, I lost my eldest children from the first marriage, even though I paid CS and all. Now they are both in their 20's, I have grandchildren, (which I recently found out) and never knew. Apparently too, my eldest daughter put her eldest child up for adoption, and I knew nothing about it. It's so sad but I guess real love comes from letting them be and letting them go. I pray one day they will come and talk to me. I've sent out the olive branch, but there's been no reply. As for my youngest, it looks like I'll have to do the same. At least no one can say I didn't try. I have no resources to fight the system. So I guess the biggest love is to let them go. It hurts like crazy so generally I try not to think about it.

I relate with you. Chin up, we'll get through this somehow.

Q.

glessen · Jun 20, 2006, 05:11:21 PM

I feel for you. I am not a father I am a step mom. I see my husband beg to spend time with hs 17 daughter. I don't mean on hands and knees, but telling her she needs to come down more often then just when she needs money or an oil change.

I have seen him stay up until midnight waiting for her to stop by, knowing in my heart that she was not coming by.

BM can be our worse nightmares. For BM has told daughter that dad is a no good SOB and was never there for her.

But they forget who bought her first car, then she totaled it within two weeks and never told dad about it. But insurance gave her $2,000.00 for it. But she wanted dad to pay for another car. Thankfully dad said no but becasue he did well then again he's no good.

It's funny how money brings your kids back.

But we hope that daughter relieses(sp) some day the damage her mother has caused between her and her father. But dad is always there when she needs him.

Detter D · Jun 22, 2006, 11:28:01 AM

I am going through the same thing.....three years of never missing
their visits, loving having them, and then when I dropped the kids
off one day after a heated battle through e-mail about our son...
she lashed out at me and told me she was going to go for sole
custody .....that is where we are now.....ready to go to the GAL AGAIN
We already did this, but the court ordered it because they don't understand why the kids 'suddenly' stopped coming.....PAS and I
don't know where to go with that.....
Never been behind in child support, and the kids always wanted to
come over......this is just a revenge act, and you know the way the
courts are....I'm apt to lose them.....so I do know how you feel
and I sympathize with you, and I, also, never heard from them on
FATHERS DAY....it was so heartbreaking, because I don't know why.

Hang in there and let us know how you make out....I will be very
interested ..... this is so similar to my case....

Detter D · Jun 22, 2006, 11:28:56 AM

I am going through the same thing.....three years of never missing
their visits, loving having them, and then when I dropped the kids
off one day after a heated battle through e-mail about our son...
she lashed out at me and told me she was going to go for sole
custody .....that is where we are now.....ready to go to the GAL AGAIN
We already did this, but the court ordered it because they don't understand why the kids 'suddenly' stopped coming.....PAS and I
don't know where to go with that.....
Never been behind in child support, and the kids always wanted to
come over......this is just a revenge act, and you know the way the
courts are....I'm apt to lose them.....so I do know how you feel
and I sympathize with you, and I, also, never heard from them on
FATHERS DAY....it was so heartbreaking, because I don't know why.

Hang in there and let us know how you make out....I will be very
interested ..... this is so similar to my case....

backwardsbike · Jun 25, 2006, 08:07:18 AM

Hugs to you, my friend. I'm in the exact same boat. The other parent has more money adn could offer the kids more fun activites. i didn't want thm to miss out so I let them. Bit by bit the other parent and step parent becaem the family. While I became that place we have to visit that interupts our real life.

it hurts like hell. No way around that. The only diffeence in our stories is that I am the noncustodial mother and my kids are calling another woman "mom". They call her parents gram and pap and totally ignore my precious father who was so good to them when they were small. The step mom's family is of prime imporatnce. Mine is insignificant. And i never get a call on Mother's Day either. Or my Birthday or any other holiday.

I never abused my kids, shoot I never even holller at them. I am not a durrgie. The last drink of alcohol I consumed was nine years ago and even when i drank I never had more than two drinks at a time and never more than once every few months. I am a licensednurse, hold child abuse clearances adn have worked as a parent eucator. Now that's ironic.

But no one ever warned me about PAS. Not until it was too late. I thought I was being a good parent. Putting my children first. best interest of the child and all that happy &*^%.

But hang on becasue there is hope. Enforce your visits. Istarted doing that about three years ago and now my children come willingly. They express affection for me in my custody. They will not call me for love nor money from the dad's home. But Ihave come to see that our bond was not destroyed. They are just doing what they need to do to survive.

I continue to lobby the court for counseling. And I let my kids know at every turn that I love them and always will.

If they'll have dinner with you then maybe they will allow you to take them to a movie. if so I recommed Click with Adam Sandler. My children chose this movie adn we were all surprised when we went yesterday becasue it has a poignant message aboutthe importance of family and spending and treasuring every moment that you can with your parents. Anll three of us admitted crying adn my 13 year old DD leaned against me during the part where the importance of parents was evident. She never makes contact with me any other time. Never give up.

Detter D · Jun 25, 2006, 08:16:46 AM

thanks....and all the best to you too.....

one child came over yesterday and I thought was to see
me, but apparently it was because cm disagreed with a
date that was pending, and she thought it would work with
me,,,,,it didn't, but I solved the problem with having him
come in our house and meet him, and stay for a movie
instead of her going with him,,,,,,a little heartbreaking to
know that was the reason she came and not to see me....
Trying to make the best of it, and did get to see her....

Love all the kids and hope the GAL will see again that this
stuff is all revenge, and there is no reason for her to
go for sole custody.....but the kids are so manifested in PAS
that they cannot see beyond what she says to them

WEll, let's hope both us get out of this with contact and love
from our children....

stepmomfor2 · Jul 08, 2006, 11:51:46 PM

I do not see where you messed up at all. Having given your kids an option to visit or not shows that you're a father being flexible and sensitive to your kids' lives. No one can fault you for trying different ways to make things work out for you and your kids. But since you are noticing that your relationship with your kids is not flourishing, you just need to try something else, right?

I do support you, and I know you don't want opinions, but I wonder if you've thought of just continuing your visitation schedule on your very next scheduled time exactly as the C.O. states? Just call BM ahead of time and tell her you are coming on the date and time of your visitation just as your C.O. says. You don't have to talk with BF for any reason, to eliminate screamfests, and just be a broken record with him asking to speak with BM. After BM knows you are coming, you could ask to speak with your kids just to let them know you can't wait to see them and maybe even ask them to be thinking of something they'd like to do when they come over and try to make some traditions with them. When you show up, if no one is home, leave a friendly note and keep showing up every visitation time you have. Your kids will come around and they will see you are not giving up.

I know you are hurting, especially about the father/daughter dance, but try not to think about that, or Father's Day either. Start planning for an upcoming dance - doesn't have to be a "father/daughter" dance either; you can bet that was all BM/SF's doing anyway, just for your benefit. Seems like they are trying to control, and not being nice about it; but, not your concern!

Oh, and I'm sure you are documenting all encounters with BM, especially your missed or shortened visitation dates and the reason. Your log can show negative patterns and use of PAS by BM/BF. You may need this some day.

Your kids know you are a caring, loving dad! Good luck to you!

Detter D · Jul 09, 2006, 04:26:41 AM

thanks...I just get so frustrated with things....and this weekend, was
my weekend to have the kids, and she went on vacation with them,
and never brought them back for my weekend with them......no
notification that the kids would not be avialable.....just didn't have
them there....

I went to the house and e-mailed her that I was there at correct time
and place, but the kids were a no=show.....no response from her
about this....like it didn't happen...

This is getting so blantant now...this is a new 'low'......she is getting
so bold now, and doesn't care what happens.....she is not letting
me have the kids.....

I have them for vacation next week, and we will see what happens
there.....also we are to meet with parent coordinator, and I know
this will stall......oh, I'm sorry was that the date I was supposed to
be there...must have slipped my mind.......mind games....

No contact with children......no phone calls....no e-mails,,,,,like she
is hiding them from me ...like I was some sort of dangerous person.....
There is absolutely positively no REASON for her actions other than
obstructing visitation for my children and myself...

stepmomfor2 · Jul 09, 2006, 11:35:17 PM

Yep, sounds just like our BM just before she petitioned for full custody. Her change of circumstance was that she got married, knowing her DH for only 2 months. 7 days on/7 days off per court order was not going to work for BM, so BM withheld the skids countless times for a period of about 6 months. DH would drive 45 minutes one way only to find no one home. He'd wait 30 minutes, leave a note, and then file a report at the sherrif's office. Once, SD, then 10, called at 10:30 PM after DH arrived back home to ask if she really had to come over that night because BM was throwing SD a "hot tub party" with SD's neighborhood friends. Another time, after DH arrived back home from trying to get the skids, and after making a report with the sherrif, BM called DH all drunk and said "turn your happy A _ _ back around and come get them, if you want them so bad." Then, this next one is my all time favorite, and I hope this never happens to you, but BM's best and most frequent tactic was to allow DH to make the 45 minute drive to pick up the skids and then send her new husband out to tell DH "you are not going to get the kids this week." DH would ask if he could then just say hello to the kids, and new hubby would reply, "no." Then the next time the skids were allowed to go with DH for his week, SD would always end up telling us that she wanted to call DH but she was not allowed to.

DH recorded every event and, after the drawn-out custody battle, BM winded up with "no visitation at this time," and DH was given full, permanent custody! The GAL recognized that BM was blatantly alienating the skids from their father (PAS)! BM was also messing up with her Soma and alcohol, so the GAL cited neglect as her main concern with BM.

Please try to get your log up-to-date and then try to resume your visitations ASAP. I've read in a couple of places that if you allow your visitations to be interrupted, and allow it to continue, it appears you are satisfied with the arrangement, and the judge asks why you allowed it to continue, and not alot of sympathy is shown for that. I hope you will fight for what is rightfully yours, and make sure your relationship with your kids continues. Your children deserve you as their constant father in their lives (even if they haven't figured that out yet! )

I, for one, am routing for you, but also be assured that everyone here wants to see you turn this thing around, so you've got tons more who've got your back! AND, it's Monday; always a good day to start anew!

Good Luck to you!

stepmomfor2 · Jul 09, 2006, 11:35:27 PM

Yep, sounds just like our BM just before she petitioned for full custody. Her change of circumstance was that she got married, knowing her DH for only 2 months. 7 days on/7 days off per court order was not going to work for BM, so BM withheld the skids countless times for a period of about 6 months. DH would drive 45 minutes one way only to find no one home. He'd wait 30 minutes, leave a note, and then file a report at the sherrif's office. Once, SD, then 10, called at 10:30 PM after DH arrived back home to ask if she really had to come over that night because BM was throwing SD a "hot tub party" with SD's neighborhood friends. Another time, after DH arrived back home from trying to get the skids, and after making a report with the sherrif, BM called DH all drunk and said "turn your happy A _ _ back around and come get them, if you want them so bad." Then, this next one is my all time favorite, and I hope this never happens to you, but BM's best and most frequent tactic was to allow DH to make the 45 minute drive to pick up the skids and then send her new husband out to tell DH "you are not going to get the kids this week." DH would ask if he could then just say hello to the kids, and new hubby would reply, "no." Then the next time the skids were allowed to go with DH for his week, SD would always end up telling us that she wanted to call DH but she was not allowed to.

DH recorded every event and, after the drawn-out custody battle, BM winded up with "no visitation at this time," and DH was given full, permanent custody! The GAL recognized that BM was blatantly alienating the skids from their father (PAS)! BM was also messing up with her Soma and alcohol, so the GAL cited neglect as her main concern with BM.

Please try to get your log up-to-date and then try to resume your visitations ASAP. I've read in a couple of places that if you allow your visitations to be interrupted, and allow it to continue, it appears you are satisfied with the arrangement, and the judge asks why you allowed it to continue, and not alot of sympathy is shown for that. I hope you will fight for what is rightfully yours, and make sure your relationship with your kids continues. Your children deserve you as their constant father in their lives (even if they haven't figured that out yet! )

I, for one, am routing for you, but also be assured that everyone here wants to see you turn this thing around, so you've got tons more who've got your back! AND, it's Monday; always a good day to start anew!

Good Luck to you!

KidzNeedDadTo · Jul 11, 2006, 02:18:16 AM