Broken Down

[Qwkprlspnr]

I have waited long enough I suppose. I'm not much of a forum poster, but here goes. My son who was born out of wedlock has been in the state of Connecticut for 8mos.. He was taken there by my Ex GF without my knowledge under cover of night in the beginning of Oct. 06. He was 4 months old. In August of that same year I hired an attorney because I knew that it was going to be a struggle to have a relationship with my son. I could clearly see it coming.I had no idea she would leave the state we lived in(FLA). From the time she was pregnant it was a hard road, but I managed to hang on as long as I could. I can give specifics as to why it was so difficult if anyone would like to know. It's a very long list. I had to bring police officers to the house just to see him and gather some of my belongings and was told by officers that I didnt have to leave,but it would be in my best interest. Needless to say this has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life, not to mention my 12 yr. old daughter's as well since she hasnt been able to develop a relationship with her brother as of yet. My newest dillema is the reason I am here. I have read all of your posts everyday until my eyes bleed and I have learned quite much. Many thanks to all of you. Anyway, she(Ex GF) is planning a visit here in FL at the end of May. The last week. My Atty has made a mediation appointment for the friday before she is to leave. I begged to have the appt. made for the friday when she arrives but according to my atty this isnt possible. She has no intentions of letting me see my son for more than 2 hrs at a time and has made it clear that her itenerary(SIC) doesnt include any quality time with my family to interact and bond with our son. Grandmothers,Great Grandmothers,sister,cousins,aunts and uncles are of no concern to her,not to mention myself,his father. Are there any types of emergency visitation that I can make happen and enforce  before she arrives? My atty seems thwarted. After 8 months with no custody/visitation/child support order in place ,I am just a little desperate obviously. Any help would be greatly appreciated. This woman(EX GF) has dragged this situation out until it feels like an eternity has passed since I have seen my son. I have been patient with my atty but nearing the end of my rope. Thank you for reading this......JK in FLA

[Sherry1]

No, you cannot get a temporary order merely because she won't let you see your child.  Your lawyer needs to file paperwork to establish paternity and then to establish child support and visitation.  If your attorney hasn't been able to get an order established in 8 months then you need to fire the attorney and hire one that can get it done!

[Qwkprlspnr]

Paternity has been established, unfortunately no judge has seen proof of this yet. Any advice as to what will happen at the mediators appointment? What can I do to get the best possible outcome? Child support enforcement has been advised that  this is a civil case and is getting established through mediation, also the fact that I do give her support which she hasnt denied. Why do some mothers do things like this? I know from research that I dont have alot to stand on right now, I am just hoping that things will change in the future. This has been devastating. Painful beyond all things imaginable.

[Qwkprlspnr]

Beautiful dog by the way sherry1. APBT?

[Sherry1]

Your paying her CS (child support) without a court order in place might be viewed as a judge as a gift.  There is a slight possibility they might go back to the birth of the child and award her back support.  Since you were not married, I believe she was within the bounds of the law by moving.  And you would have had a short window to try to block that move anyway, and now it has been too long.

Is the mediation court ordered or is it by hers and yoru choice?

For mediation, you should attempt to get as much time with your child as possible.  If this is not court ordered mediation, and if you don't like what she is saying, then put it off for court and let a judge decide.  However, if you end up going to court it can get very costly.  After a court order is put in place and if she starts denying court ordered visits then you can take her back to court for contempt.  You need to start a journal right now and document everything she says and the dates she says it.  You need to document any written correspondence, phone calls, etc.

My dog is a female, her name is "Chopper".  She is a pit bull/Vizsla cross.  Her face and head are 100% pitbull but her body is that of a Vizsla.  Her body is extremely lean and she is also tall.  She weighs about 55 pounds.  She thinks she is a little dog because she is always trying to climb up in our laps!

[img src=http://www.deltabravo.net/dc/pics/Chopper.jpg]


 

[Qwkprlspnr]

Thank you for the input. Its basically what I have come to expect at this point. Not sure if the mediation is court ordered or her choice. I would hope to be informed by my lawyer on this, but havent been as of yet. What I have been told is NOT to talk to her about any proceedings, only ask about our son and thats it. I have been keeping a journal including phone records of unanswered calls, all reciepts for money orders, pics and reciepts for b-day and x-mas gifts. The one thing she keeps insisting on is wanting me to "sign off" on a schedule for while she is here the last week of may. I have told my atty this on the 27th of april and gave him a response to her proposed schedule. One that I felt comfortable with, but it seems I have no say in the scheduling of this visit. I'll take what I can get at this point. 5 minutes, 2 hours whatever until I get some court orders for visitation.                                                                                                                                                                                                                        My dog looks quite similiar, except that he's All APBT and spoiled rotten, thinks he's a lap dog as well at close to 90lb.s though. I have never heard of a Vizsla before. I'll have to check them out.

[Sherry1]

her choice, or your attorney may have filed paperwork and they were ordered to mediation.  My son and his ex GF were ordered to mediation.  At this point, you should get as much visitation as possible by agreement.  Take a look at her schedule and go from there.  If you can get her to sign off on anything at this point it is more then what you have.  Once visitation has been established you could always ask for more down the road.  It sounds like you are already on the right track by having a journal established.  

I knew my dog was not full pit bull, but was unsure of what she was mixed with.  A lady that lives in our townhouse community that is extremely knowledgeable about dogs told me she definitely had Vizsla in her.  Vizsla's are not very popular in the US.  I actually saw a Vizsla at the vets office and knew immediately that Chopper had Vizsla in her.  She has the agility of a Vizsla also.  At the dog park, she is always in front of the pack running!

[Qwkprlspnr]

I talked to the Ex last night to inquire about adding my son to my insurance offered by my job. Open enrollment is in 2 days. She declined having my employer cover him, stating that " He has insurance through the State of Connecticut", along with numerous other expletives. Is this considered welfare? And why should she not want me to have insurance on him? Another form of alienation possibly? She simply doesnt want me involved in any area of his life. I also inquired about the visitation again and was told ,"He will not be left alone with you and there will be no overnights", " You are a drug addict and alcoholic!" I really cant wait to see how she plans on proving these statements to a judge.Apparently she is going to use these against me at the advice of her attorney. Its going to get ugly I'm sure. I have prepared several statements that I would like to fax the judge that is residing over my case. Is this a good idea or not? I am desperate and feel like my attorney has abandoned this case until the mediation comes on the 1st of June. Should I get the insurance anyway in case I do end up with custody? Sounds like a stupid question, obviously better safe than sorry. Or will they require extra CS to cover the existing insurance that he is on? So many questions my atty should be answering. Thanx 4 anything u might know   JK in FLA

[MixedBag]

more insurance IMHO is better.

And yes, by having insurance, you would know which doctors and dentists your child uses.

IF she uses the insurance....

"State of Anything" medical insurance unless it's through her employer raises flags to me.

[Sherry1]

you need to document your discussion with her and that she doesn't want you to cover him on your insurance.  Cover him anyway.  If you cover him on your insurance then your CS should be reduced by the portion that it costs for your son.  A judge will not want your son on medicaid and will order you to cover him anyway, so you will just be proactive by doing so.  

DO NOT fax anything to the judge you will cripple your case.  I think you need to sit back and be patient for June 1 and see what happens.  Your ex can accuse you of anything she wants to, i.e., alcoholic and drug addict.  Unless she can "prove" these allegations with police reports, jail sentences, court documents, etc., she is just blowing smoke out of her a$$.  

I am still very unclear as to what this June 1 mediation is.  Is it court ordered?  If it is court ordered then your attorney can't do anything about it until June 1.  I think you need to not be so anxious and see what goes on.  You can't make court things work as fast as you want, it is on a schedule.  

[Qwkprlspnr]

I went ahead and enrolled my son on my employers plan, figured it could only help. Also, yes, the mediation is court ordered and scheduled for the 1st of June. Another one of her visitation "schedules" was faxed over to me on fri. 05/18 with alot of vague TBD and OPEN times of visitation basically allowing me minimal time at her convenience. I am supposed to sign off on this , so my atty was contacted with this also. Today my atty has prepared a response with actual times and days that the visitation should occur before I sign anything. Ex told me that if I didnt sign, no visition would occur. Her atty is basically rewriting these conditions for the EX. Yes, I have been impatient. 8 months is a long time. Nontheless a prayer was answered without me contacting the judge. Thurs. 05/17 I received in the mail a notice for a case management conference that appears , tell me if I'm wrong, the judge wants to know what is taking so long. It states both parties and counsel to appear and requesting mediation results and to further the case to trial if necessary. The judged looked me in the face on March 19th(EX defaulted, but was dismissed) and told the attys that they both had 15 days to schedule mediation because "this mans needs to see his son". I could be way off but it sounded like I might have a decent and fair judge. Here I am 63 days later still waiting for the 1st of June. The date for the case mngmnt. is June 4th and Ex is planning on leaving back to CT. on 3rd. Unless waived by the court she is supposed to appear. Dillema for her maybe. Ex hasnt mentioned it. Oh well . Have to wait and see.

[Sherry1]

"Ex told me that if I didnt sign, no visition would occur".  Your ex does not have the authority to determine if visitation is going to occur or not, only the judge.  She feels like she is losing control so she is acting like a bitch, just ignore her.  The judge probably is losing patience and it is probably a good sign for you.  It does sound like you have a fair and good judge if he made the statement about you not seeing your son.  You just need to continue to be patient and let the wheels of justice continue to move.  You are almost at the June 4th date.  Please post after the mediation so we know what happened.

[Qwkprlspnr]

Things are definitely moving along this week. Ex will be arriving this Thurs. with our son in tow. Thank God. I am so excited. A little nervous, but excited nonetheless. I worried for days about what to expect when I see him for the first time in 8 months. This is the tragedy of having your child taken away at such a young age (4 mos. old). All the pain seems to be coming to the surface, but I know that showing emotion is probably not a good idea. I've come to the conclusion that no matter what happens I will stay calm and cool and do my best to act like its just another day. Its unlikely he will know who I am, which hurts, except for maybe a necklace that he was obsessed with as he was growing and my mannerisms. Possibly my face , but Im not counting on it. I will start over . So, Ex calls last night out of the blue, she never calls, and I stopped calling her which was advised by my atty. Our son is obviously to young to talk on the phone with me. Anyway she's extremely nice(intoxicated) and says that she wants to make the visitation as smooth as possible allowing me the most possible time with him, she won't interfere w/our bonding time, she will let me have him as long as i want unsupervised after she sees he is comfortable with me(not believing any of this). I kept my ears open and my mouth shut. Further elaborating on the mistakes she's made by doing all of this to me and knowing how hurt I must be. Whoa! Apparently the responding schedule that me and my atty came up with yesterday along with some legal terminology  exposing her for what she is doing had some effect on her. She pretty much agreed to everything except for a few minor adjustments. Well that was yesterday, today its back to maybe this, maybe that, some of it is just impossible,bla bla bla. Today I just let her talk again and just listened. I plan on sticking to my schedule and notating what she did the whole week and bringing it to mediation on friday and to court on monday. Oh yeah, she never mentioned the case management conference at all. Oh well, just have wait and see. Any advice on the reunion and how I should conduct myself at first would help. Thanx for everything

[Sherry1]

This child belongs to both of you and she is trying to use your son as a weapon.  The best thing you can do is stick to your plan.  Your ex has probably been advised by her attorney that if she keeps up the crap of of interferring w/ visitation and not agreeing to or staying with court ordered visitation she will be in for big trouble from the judge.  You will have bonding w/ your son and once he is on a permanent visitation schedule things will get better!  Let us know what happens after the mediation hearing!

[mishelle2]

hey,,, when ex gets there, make sure you have a video camera set up out of site.. adn make sure its on with a blank tape.. So if she spouts off at the mouth you will have clear evidence.
If the judge is saying this is taking too long.. that is a good thing for you, it is showing the judge mother is being unreasonable. Remember  if you cannot come to an agreement in mediation that is acceptable to both of you then go to a hearing, make her prove you shouldnt have yoru son and then let the judge decide, it sounds like hes about had it with her.
we went through the fl courts .. those attys out there will drag there feet all day if you let them.. we got our case dismissed and transfered to CA where dh lives because judge in FL was sick of the mothers unwillingness to cooperate... it took 2 years to get that.. and in CA it took 30 days to have an order in place and signed... hmmmm imagine that.

Just remember.. he is your son . you dont have to "settle" for whatever you can get.. fight like hell prove you are a worthy parent and let the rest go.. act like this is a business arrangement.. and the ex is your competitor.. her true colors will show..

good luck

[Qwkprlspnr]

    I want to thank all of you for responding to inquiries from me. It has helped alot, even knowing that someone actually reads this stuff. I will be on vacay while Ex is here with my son. She still isnt agreeing to visitation as of yet. She should be here in a couple hrs. I'm freaking out. Any way I will let everyone know what happens as we go along. Thanks again

[link16]

JK,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  It looks like your ex had put some strategic thought into her move.   For starters, a biological father in FL has a LOT more leverage than a father in CT.  Actually, there is no comparison with respect to the court system.  In CT, it takes an act of God for a father to be viewed as anything more than a paycheck.  In FL on the other hand, the laws are more conservative and many fathers actually have primary custody of their children (which is almost unheard of in CT).  In short, your ex has put herself in a very good starting position.

Secondly, it was a big mistake on your part to allow this to continue for eight months.  The child is now a residence of CT.  To make matters worse, there is not a court order in place that provides you with any legal rights to the child.  I'm not sure why your ex is even considering going to the mediation in FL; I'm sure her legal counsel would advise her otherwise.

In addition, the courts typically will not allow extended possession of a child until he/she is at least three years old.  This isn't set in stone, but is a general rule.  So any notion of you being able to keep the child in FL, away from the mother in CT, should be expelled quickly.

So how do you fix this? You need to start by getting in front of a judge in CT (unless you can somehow convince the ex to do it in FL) , get paternity established and get some rights to your child (preferably join-custody).  You need to make this happen ASAP.  If the ex is dragging her feet, then find out where she lives (county, etc) in CT and start the process there.  I'm sure you can call around, speak with some attorneys, explain your situation and make it happen (over the phone) once you pay the retainer, etc.  Either way, and however you do it, you absolutely must get some rights to your child ASAP.  You have nothing otherwise.

Best Regards,
-Jeff