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Single dad looking for advice

Started by jzurinsky, Feb 14, 2008, 02:13:15 PM

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jzurinsky

Hi, my x had our son almost 3 months ago. Just found out today that the DNA test was 99.99%. We were together from Jan 07 til Aug 07 then she moved out of my house. I was in a sever motorcycle accident in May07 and have temp. disabled left arm. She never called me when she had our son (like she said) and I had to find out 4 days later thru a mutual friend. I had seen him 3 - 4 days a week until Dec 29th. She had changed her mind I guess on letting me see him. So I filed a paternity/custody/cs suit. Once she got a lawyer she had started letting me see him but only at her parents home (which is where she lives). Our first court date was about a month ago and the referee gave me temp visitation as follows: EOW fri @5 til mond @ 8. and WE wed @8 til thurs @ 8. Of course she appealed this. She is saying that 1)I am disabled so I can not have him (per court...doctor says I can physically) 2) my arm is like this bc I was racing my motorcycle 100 mph and crashed (no evidence...not even in the police report) 3) my father is a chiropractor 4) I hit her while she was pregnant (no evidence; no witnesses; never happened 5) my neighborhood has vacant homes so it is dangerous. So now we got back (with a Denovo hearing) and see what else she has to say. I am currently under "supervised" visits (with mother) and it is getting very hard. My x just won't let me be. She is constantly talking about getting back together. I don't want that but I don't want to be mean either. I feel this time with my son should be my time so I ask her to leave the room (per court). So I guess my question here is what are my chances of the court leaving the referees recommendation to the same? And how much longer or how many times can she appeal? She actually told me that the only reason why she won't let me take him is because she (mother) is not ready. I am at witts end with her. I have to give her 24 hr notice when I want to see him but she is consistantly changing times and days. I've seen him everyday since court except 4 two days when she had other things to do after making the arrangements with me she called and changed her mind.

wendl

When you go back to court if they feel you still need supervison with your child ask for a 3rd party to supervise the visitation.

I know my ex has supervised visitation for way other reason and I asked if his parents or sister could supervise the visits (that why my would feel comfortable in his surroundings as it was at his parents house )and I trusted them to make sure nothing happened.

Most cities have a center that could possibly supervise the visit that why you would not need to be around the mom during your time.

Document EVERYTHING, document everytime the child is with you and make notes of what happened during that time, document when you call and the conversation and so on.

Take an infant cpr and parenting class (will help in the long run and looks good on paper).

This happens a lot to men, sorry to say.

Keep your chin up and continue to fight for your childs right to have him involved with his father.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

jzurinsky

I have been documenting everything. Especially the times she says I can see him but then calls me and says she changed her mind. Also on Tuesday I will be requesting a 3rd party supervisor if there is a need. My mother doesn't work and is willing to take on that responsibility. Thanks

jzurinsky

Some more advice needed....my x just called and wants me to spend the night w/her at her parents so I can (show) take care of our son. She is also wanted to talk about getting back together. My attorney says I shouldn't be friends with her until this is all done with. I am not wanting to spend the night bc I think she is either 1) trying to see if I really can take care of him or/& 2) is becoming scared that I will get my visitation. What do you think?

gemini3

You should not have to spend the night with your ex to see your son.  That's ridiculous.

Your ex is using your child as a pawn, and using him to manipulate you to get what she wants.  This does not bode well for the future, or for your son.  You need to document this, and all of the other times she uses your child to get what she wants.  When I say document, I don't mean just writing it down - I mean printing out copies of the e-mails she's sending you, recording your phone conversations (if that's legal in your state) etc.

You need to hold fast and firm to your RIGHT to be a father to your child without interference from his mentally unstable mother.

jzurinsky

I have been recording all conversations with her. My attorney said from the beginning to do this. It is not illegal. I do document everything. I even save my textes on my phone and are waiting to receive print outs from my phone company. She has been trying to get back with me since our son was born but yet continues to try to manipulate the situation and control everything. I have gotten good advice to just let her to continue to act like this and it will come back to haunt her. All I want is what is fair for my son. He is entitled to have his father in his life. I don't know if she is trying to really get back with me or just trying to get me to stop the proceedings. I am the one who had to file and I won't stop until my son is able to be with me without having to abide by everything she says and wants.She also uses him when it comes for me to want to spend more time with him and it is not convenient at her parents home. She will only come to my home if my parents don't show up. I do live by myself but my parents have only seen him 4 times since he was born. I know they don't have any legal rights here in Michigan but if she wants to have a relationship with me my parents are part of me. My parents don't push it they are just waiting for my visitation to come through and then they will most definitely have their time with their grandson. So we go to court for a Denovo hearing on Tuesday. I am anxious to see what she is going to say this time. The only thing different in her appeal papers was that my neighborhood is dangerous because there are vacant homes there(from her response to my suit). So hopefully the judge will see this as ridiculous as I do and let her know. Wish me luck!

wendl

Do NOT spend the night at her house, that would just be setting you up for something horrible. She could cry wolf and call the cops for domestic voilence and you could go to jail (even if allegations are false)  or worse.

Just warning you again DO NOT stay at her home.

Keep focusing on your child. In court do not down talk mom, don't interupt judge just keep to the facts and your child.


jzurinsky

Had court yesterday. What a joke. Went from EOW fri @ 5 til Mon 8 a.m. and EW wed @5 til thurs @8am. This was recommended by the referee for temp. parenting time and the X appealed with a Denovo hearing and the judge said our 3 mo old son is too young to be away from his mother overnight. So EW 4 hrs unsupervised and mondays and wednesdays with no specific time. Just have to give her 24hr notice. Had nothing to do with my disability (as the X was saying) but because I don't have a womb and didn't carry my son for 9 months!!!! So now I am trying to deal with her and her mother. I gave her 24hr notice to pick him up today. She didn't want me to take him because she wanted to inspect the carseat. I told her no and I would be there tomorrow. Went to the house and the X is at work and her mother refused to give me my son because I didn't take the carseat in with me. I called my attorney and he told me she can't refuse. I left and went to the car and then decided she doesn't have that right so I went in the house and took him. I am now trying to sit down with my X and try to figure out a schedule but I don't think it will go well.

So my question is...how do I establish time with my child if she refuses any other then what the court ordered. I know she doesn't have to let me see him but I also know that if I don't see him more than say 20hrs a week then the FOC may not recommend any more time? Please Help!

gemini3

First, I understand why you're upset - BUT you acted rashly by going in and taking your son, and that's not going to work in your favor.  He is a child, a human being, and you guys are fighting over him like he's a piece of furniture.  Just because he can't talk doesn't mean he's not affected by these things, and now your ex would have good reason to go and ask for supervised visitation.  You need to cool down if you want a chance.

You didn't do anything to show the court that you can properly care for a 3 month old child.  You proved yourself to be hot headed and selfish, and to treat your child like a possesion instead of a person.

Fran

To offer a different view, I don't think you did the wrong thing or acted rashly by taking your son when you were supposed to.  The danger in NOT taking him would be that X's mother could lie and say you never even showed up.

You have as much right to parent your son as X does.  More importantly, your son has a right to be with both parents in spite of what some bureaucrat decides.

I also don't think it's a bad idea to stay overnight at X's house if you're invited.  Of course she could be setting you up, but so what?  If she wants to lie and make false allegations she could anyway.  Your lawyer will advise against it because if something bad goes down and he didn't advise against it, he could be sued for malpractice.

Plus, staying overnight will negate what is often a women's most compelling argument -that the two of you just can't get along.

Fran

gemini3

There is a right and a wrong way to go about handling these situations.  If you have a documented agreement that you will have the children on x day and x time, and you are refused when you go pick them up - then the RIGHT way to deal with this is to document it with a 3rd party witness, preferably a police report.

The WRONG way is to force yourself into someone's house and take your child.  That is called trespassing.  And, if he doesn't have anything in writing proving that the date and time were agreed upon by the mother, it could also be considered kidnapping.

You're entitled to your opinion, of course.  I just think it's wrong, and that you are giving this guy advice that could land him in jail.

Staying overnight with someone doesn't do anything to prove that people can or can't get along.  

He also couldn't sue his lawyer for malpractice if he stayed the night with his girlfriend, something bad happened, and his lawyer hadn't advised him against it.  This is not opinion, it's fact.  So, I think his attorney might actually be trying to protect his client instead of himseldf, as you are suggesting.

jzurinsky

Actually it wasn't rashly...once I started putting my sons snowsuit on his grandmother helped me finish. And then I left. She then came to the car and said they are not wanting to prevent me to see my son but in actuality they just want to control.

jzurinsky

Greatly appreciate another point. Just what I was thinking. The overnight thing isn't going to happen. Especially at her parents home. Thank you

jzurinsky

First, and foremost, I didn't force my way in....she let me in when she was on the telephone with my X.

Second, there is no written agreement because my X refuses to sit down and make arrangements as the judge suggested. And if my X and myself can't agree then the judge said the courts will do it for us. I want to make arrangements....I think my X is just angry because she really didn't understand what was going on and didn't think I was able to actually take our son without her. Her mother told me she didn't understand when I spoke to her later after court to try to set up something. I just have to wait for her to cool down a little.

Third, the police will not make out a report just because she wouldn't give me my son....'they don't deal with custody issues'. They said I would have to charge her with contempt.


I spoke with my X today and she seems to be a little more receptive so we are going to try to discuss things on Sunday. She just gets soooooo frustrated when she doesn't get her way its hard to keep her calm. Wish me luck!

gemini3

From your post, which said "I left and went to the car and then decided she doesn't have that right so I went in the house and took him." it sounded like you went in against the grandmothers wishes and 'took' your son.

It's not uncommon for police to be unwilling to come and write a report.  You need to be clear that you just want to document that you were there to pick up your son and he was not turned over.  If they won't, ask someone else to document for you.  The more neutral the better.

Maybe you could enlist the help of a counselor or certified mediator to help you and your ex work out a visitation arrangement?

Good luck.

jzurinsky

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I am just getting disappointed. First my X tells me she doesn't want to keep me from taking him but then she is creating all this conflict. Up until Tuesday we were even trying to work things out but it was only on her terms. I was willing to compromise and still am but she is making it very difficult.

How do I go about getting a mediator? My mother was with me on the first day but a neutral party would probably be better. Not that my mom causes any problems but I know in my X's eyes it does.

So if anyone can make suggestions on how I would go about this I would greatly appreciate it. I just don't want any more fighting and arguing especially with my son there.

And also I have signed up for parenting classes. The judge suggested it for both of us but my X won't go. I want to learn all I can to raise my son in a healthy safe environment. I do have a lot of help from family but I think this is a good idea.

Thanks

wendl

Great go to that parenting class ALSO take an infant CPR class. It will not look good mom not willing to take parenting class.

My husband ALWAYS took a friend to pick up and drop offs, he still does and we live in another state, my husband meets a friend and then they go pick up the kids OR he has a family member pick up the kids for him since we live in another state.  This works out well for us.

When talking with mom, be clear that yes we have our problems, but they have NOTHING to do with the child.  That the two of you need to work equally together to raise this child.  Try to keep her focused on the child and not what happened or did not happen between you two.

As for mediators, call the clerk of the court, they usually have number of mediators that you two could call to go to, that way you can sit withanother person who does not have a emotional interest in the case help you two.

It is a frustrating cycle, keep your head up and focused.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

jzurinsky

A little update and a few questions. So my X and I are coming to an understanding. It was very hard for her at first but now she is realizing she doesn't have a choice with regards to me having time away with my son. But now she is wanting more from me. She is wanting more of a relationship than just parents to our son. She has been coming to my house to spend time with me. Which is nice because I get to spend more time with my son. And my atty suggested this also if I could get her to cooperate. People have been telling me to watch out because they think she is just doing this so she won't have to spend any nights away from him. She keeps hinting she wants to move back in but I am not willing to do that just yet. We have a lot to work out. But I am not sure how the FOC and the judge will view this. Maybe as extra time (establish status quo) or me needing her there. I am also not sure what to expect with the Friend of the Court. What are they gonna want from me? Are they just there to see what I am capable of? Do my wishes come into play? What should I expect? Do I have to prove anything? Please help!

gemini3

It sounds to me like you and your ex can't decide if you want to be together or not.   I would assume that the courts would feel the same way.  You need to figure out what you want to do before you ask the court to get involved.  They don't like it when you waste everyone's time.  If you go through all of this and then end up back together in the end you've done exactly that.  I don't think that this will help you at all.  I think that it will hurt you, and that they might get annoyed with all the back and forth.

I think your ex is using your child ot get her own emotional needs met.  Not a good situation, and you aren't helping matters by feeding into it.

This of course, is my opinion only.

jzurinsky

Right now all I want is to be civil and get along for our son's sake. She has been pushing but I am not agreeing. I want to spend more time with my son and establish a good bond with him. I don't even mind being friends with her. I have had a lot go on in my life the last year and I don't need any more drama. I plan on going through with the court and custody. Even if we got back together (it will be a very long time if it did happen) there is no guarantee she will not leave again. So I want my rights when it comes to my son on record. I have been on this roller coaster ride with her too many times and this is why we are not together. Deep down I know I still have feelings for her but she is the mother of my child and I can't forget that. And that is all. I just want the courts to realize that we can get along for our son. I am not a bad guy I just want my son to have two caring parents that can work together  to better his life. It is not his fault we couldn't work it out. Don't you think the FOC will see it as that? She is not spending the night (she wants to but not), we are not a couple more like trying to be friends and trying to be parents. We only see each other when I drop him off at her parents and then she was going to spend extra time at my place maybe twice a week after my visitation time.  I don't spend any time at her parents with them anymore since I have my own unsupervised visits now. My atty thought it would benefit me and my son.

jzurinsky

I was wondering if anyone knows where I can get some research on fathers and parenting time regarding overnights and how it is in the best interest of the child to spend nights with dad as well as mom? I have court in a couple of weeks and I would like to get some info on this. The judge says the child has to be with mom only at night till he is at least 6 months. I believe the child needs the father as well. Any suggestions?

Giggles

You may need to go to the library and look these up.  Most of these are articles in MEDICAL journals:

http://www.childrenfirstforhealth.co.uk/families/az_child_health/r/role_fathers.html

http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/lm/stories/s1099987.htm

http://www.eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/custom/portlets/recordDetails/detailmini.jsp?_nfpb=true&_&ERICExtSearch_SearchValue_0=EJ431013&ERICExtSearch_SearchType_0=no&accno=EJ431013

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science?_ob=ArticleURL&_udi=B6W4K-4602P0J-20&_user=10&_rdoc=1&_fmt=&_orig=search&_sort=d&view=c&_acct=C000050221&_version=1&_urlVersion=0&_userid=10&md5=8c066903ebf86105004e587df249e54d

http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-119510146.html

http://www.jstor.org/view/01976664/ap020025/02a00090/0

http://books.google.com/books?id=zTNICUlFwecC&pg=PA9&lpg=PA9&dq=%22father+infant%22+interaction&source=web&ots=iQSwWeJpkt&sig=0kcaRW6ByTi_fpvS2rxGKfzL83U&hl=en#PPA10,M1

http://www.blackwell-synergy.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1365-2214.1977.tb00023.x?journalCode=cch

Now I'm living....Just another day in Paradise!!

Fran


>You're entitled to your opinion, of course.  I just think it's
>wrong, and that you are giving this guy advice that could land
>him in jail.

He could land in jail if his ex makes one allegation of domestic violence or child abuse.  

>Staying overnight with someone doesn't do anything to prove
>that people can or can't get along.  

I disagree.  Often a mother's main argument against joint custody is that the father is abusive and/or so upsetting to be around that joint custody is impossible or impractical.  If the mother invites him into her house and there are no incidents, he's building a track record that will help with joint custody.

>He also couldn't sue his lawyer for malpractice if he stayed
>the night with his girlfriend, something bad happened, and his
>lawyer hadn't advised him against it.  This is not opinion,
>it's fact.  

I'm not sure where you're from, but it is NOT a fact that you cannot sue a lawyer for malpractice anywhere that I know of.  Maybe you might lose, but nothing prevents a person from bringing the case against the lawyer.

>So, I think his attorney might actually be trying
>to protect his client instead of himseldf, as you are
>suggesting.

I have never met an attorney who didn't value protecting himself more than he valued protecting his client.  Now that's a fact.

Attorneys will always frame every bit of advice so that it appears the advice is in the best interest of the client.  EVERY bit of advice is always in the best interest of the attorney.

And yes, if the attorney advised him to stay at the ex's house, and the ex got him thrown in jail, then the attorney would have to answer as to why he advised the overnight instead of telling him to stay away.

gemini3

You can't do anything about the threat of allegations until they happen.  Telling this guy that he ought to spend the night with his ex because she might falsely accuse him of something is the same tactic used by those who manipulate men with threats of false allegations.  I do not think that he should succumb to those threats.  There is also more fertile territory for those types of allegations to arise if he is spending the night with his ex, and not simply exercising his visitation rights.

Building a track record of incident free visitation transfers is one indicator that there is little parental conflict.  Spending the night is an indicator that these people haven't figured out if they want to be separate (ie: and need the legal paperwork), or together - in which case they would not.  

Legal malpractice is when an attorney acts negligently in his advice or representation.  No attorney can account for the myriad of situations his or her client might find themselves in through their own free will, nor can they protect them from every possible situations.  That's why the "Good Faith" rule applies to legal malpractice.  As long as the attorney is acting in good faith (which appears to be the case here), there is no grounds for legal malpractice.

Yes, he could go through the act of filing for legal malpractice.  You "can" (theoretically) file a suit for anything.  However, I seriously doubt such a suit would ever make in front of a judge.  So, if he wanted to waste his time and money with frivolous lawsuits, then that would be a great way to do it.  However, it seems to me that he has enough on his plate without running around suing his attorney for frailing to adivise him not to spend the night with someone who he is currently suing for custody or visitation rights.  Common sense ought to tell you that, not your attorney.

jzurinsky

I need some more advice. I am going to Friend of the Court next week and I am not sure what to expect. My attorney says its no big deal but I really don't know how to prepare myself. These people are going to recommend what they feel is in the best interest of my son. They sent me a questionnaire to fill out and one question in particular scares me.

I am not sure that I had mentioned but I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder about 5 years ago. Been under meds and therapy since. In August of 2006 I had gotten into an arguement with my X (not the same)and I had put on her motorcycle helmet without her permission and she pressed charges for DV. I went to court and was placed on probation but it was left under advisement, which means it will be erased from my record after a year(actually charge: spousal abuse). Ten months ago I was in a severe motorcycle accident and had caused my bi-polar aggression to worsen. After my X (mother of my son) moved out I had gotten into an altercation with my parents and the police were called and I pled to disorderly conduct and no probation just have to report back to the judge in 4 months. I have since switched therapists and come to find out my medication was wrong and now with the new medication and therapy I am doing well.  

So on this questionnaire it asks if I had ever been arrested or placed on probation. I have as mentioned above but how does this affect shared legal and physical custody of my son. I have a letter from my therapist who I have been seeing since last October and she thinks I pose no harm to anyone especially our son. But I am not sure how the court will look at this.  Can anyone give me some advice on this one. Help!

jzurinsky

So I have a meeting with FOC next week and the form they gave me to fill out asks if I have ever been arrested. Well the truth of the matter is yes. I was arrested in 2006 for Spousal Abuse where I put a motorcycle helmet on a girls head when she told me not to. (during an argument) and then in 2007 I was arrested for Disorderly Conduct. I am currently on probation til 06/08 for the first offense and  nothing for the second. I was diagnosed with Bi Polar Disorder 5 years ago and found out I was on the wrong medication. Now I am with a different doctor/therapist and on different meds and alll is great. My question now is how is this going to play out with the recommendations from the FOC? Does anyone think I will not get shared custody because of this? I am going to shared physical and legal custody. Can anyone advice me on this?

jzurinsky

Up til now my X and I have not been able to come to some agreement for custody/parenting time etc. So now we go in front of FOC (friend of the court) and they will have to decide. Once concern I have is that I do have two convictions on my record. One for Spousal Abuse (x g/f) and another disorderly conduct. I am currently on probation for the first and just have to reappear in front of the judge in 4 months for the second. See, I am bi polar and was diagnosed about 5 years ago. During the last 2 years I have had to change doctors 4 times (because of insurance or lack of) the most recent being the one that has helped a great deal. I was in a motorcycle accident and the bi polar got worse. Anyway, now that I am with another doctor and in therapy things are going great. Since I filed for custody/parenting time/support I have been on this rollercoaster ride with my X. She wants me back, she wants to move back in my home even though she has told the courts (through response papers) that I am irrational and my home is dangerous. We have been getting along great (most of the time) when I pick up and drop off our son for parenting time (temporary). And she has come over on a few occassions outside of my scheduled parenting time. I am not sure if this will be to her benefit, mine or both? And if she feels threatened or doesn't feel our son is safe with me then why do this? Any help

tigger

Most people glance at the main topic and don't realize that you've posted updates.  

Personal opinion but the worst thing you can do is lie on the questionnaire.  Be honest and include explanations.  Telling lies in hopes that it won't be discovered will just be worst than the truth.  
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!