Custody order

[sweetnsad]

These are the facts and I want to know what I can do:

1)  I have custody of my five year old daughter and her father has "reasonable access within reasonable notice".

2)  Bio dad is what you would call a "deadbeat dad" when it comes to paying child support.  He hasn't paid since May 2003.

3)  He sees her maybe every two months or so and when he does have her, he refuses to bathe her, forgets to feed her and dresses her inappropriately.

4)  He called me on Dec 20, five days before Christmas, telling me he wants her for Xmas.  I refused, and told him he could have her for the days leading up to Xmas and the days after Xmas if he so wished.  

5)  He plans on spending Xmas at his father's house.  That's where he would take her.  His father is as irresponsible as he is.  Bio dad can't hold down a steady job and barely is able to feed himself, let alone look after a child.  When he does have her for a couple of days, he usually calls after the first night telling me she wants to come home.  He gets tired of her easily and wants to send her back and for me to go get her because he has no car.

This is just a scratch on the surface of what I deal with and my question is this...
Can I refuse to let her go with him?  He says he'll bring her back Xmas Eve, but I don't believe him....He's sneaky this way...and he has already threatened to keep her over Christmas.  
Remember, I have custody and there is NOTHING in the court order about holidays, birthdays, etc...with regards to him having her.

Thanks for the help.

[Brent]

>Can I refuse to let her go with him?  He says he'll bring her
>back Xmas Eve, but I don't believe him....He's sneaky this
>way...and he has already threatened to keep her over
>Christmas.  

You can, but I think it would be a mistake. Few things are more certain to cause real hard feelings and future friction than not letting a parent see his/her child during a holiday like Christmas. It's the old "catch more flies with honey" concept.

>Remember, I have custody and there is NOTHING in the court
>order about holidays, birthdays, etc...with regards to him
>having her.

Just because there's nothing in there dosn't mean a judge wouldn't listen to him if he brough tthis matter before a court. Unless you honestly feel he's not going to return her, consider letting her go and sped some time with him.  Sure, you can keep them apart, but is that going to help the situation, either short- or long-term?

[nosonew]

I agree with Brent.  And...

Consider this now and in the future:  There must be some very good qualities in this man for you to have had a relationship with him which resulted in a child.  Look at these qualities and let the child build a relationship with her dad, deadbeat or not.  She needs both parents in her life, and if you keep her from him, she very well may resent you for it as she gets older.  And cs has NOTHING to do with visitatiion.  

Perhaps you could ask him to come to your house for xmas morning or something, so he can watch her open her santa presents?  This works for some people, not all, so just a suggestion, as he may be more willing to take her back if he can be involved on Xmas.  (Has he ever had her for christmas?)

[sweetnsad]

Well, first of all, I appreciate the responses, although they seem a bit hostile to me...like you are looping me in with those CP's that don't care if their child ever has a relationship with the NCP or not.

I care, and like I've said numerous times before, have never kept my daughter from her father...in fact, I've encouraged it very, very much.  
The difference this time is that it's Xmas and he's pushing to have her, when he's never cared how much he's had her in the last two years.  There's always been excuses...no money, no car, etc...it's endless.

Xmas, with her father, would be a nightmare for her.  He can have her on Boxing Day for as long as he wants her, I have no problem with that.  She has a little sister here that she wants to share Xmas with.  He never so much as puts up decorations or a tree....she called me when she was three years old and she was spending Xmas with her Dad because I had to work, crying because there was no tree, no decorations, etc...it broke my heart.  

The only reason he wants her now and for Xmas is because he has to officiate a basketball tournament the weekend of the 26th.  So, tell me, where are his priorities???  He doesn't give any thought to her family here and her siblings, and so forth.  This is her only real home....the only one she knows...So you all think it's a good idea to let her go??

I don't agree.  There has to be other options.

[nosonew]

Sorry, didn't mean to sound hostile, just didn't know all the facts.  

How about this?  Since you are concerned he won't bring her back, have him pick her up Christmas day evening or afternoon, and keep for 3-4 days.  He still has some christmas, and explain to him that when he is more stable, has a home, a tree, and things important to the CHILD, then she can come every other year for xmas with him.  

I have to agree, in your position, I probably wouldn't agree to it either. And if he has something more important to do that weekend he could have her, then that is HIS choice, not yours.  

Good luck!

[sweetnsad]

Thank you for your response...To be perfectly honest, I would do ANYTHING for my child, and that includes letting her have a wonderful relationship with her Dad...but, like you said, how can I let her go when I know it's only for selfish reasons??  I did suggest him take her Xmas evening and keeping her for as long as he wished, but like I said, I realized that he was officiating that weekend and that was more important than her...so instead, he wants to ruin everyone's Christmas just so he can appear to be a "great dad"...

As for the concern that he won't bring her back, you are right, he won't...I know him and he is a VERY sneaky man...He would say he would bring her back, but then the excuses would come...no car, no money, weather's bad (he would be almost two hours away from us), etc..

I live both sides of the coin...I have three step children that live two hours away as well and my SO wouldn't DREAM of taking them from the only home they know for Xmas...so he takes them Boxing Day, and that works for everyone...we have to stay with his parents when we do take them because of the travel distance, so taking them for Xmas to stay at their Grandparent's house wouldn't be any fun...the same goes for my daughter.

I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but like I said, he's SO irresponsible.  I worry every minute she's with him...he's got a lot of emotional and mental problems and the reason I left him in the first place is because he physically and emotionally abused me....I was left with fractured bones, concussions, etc...he used to beat me in front of our daughter and she was only two and three at the time and can you believe that she STILL remembers?  It breaks my heart...he's a very unstable man.

[Indigo Mom]

Are you dealing with my daughters father?  Cripes woman!  Each time you've put up a post, I've recently found out some serious crap my daughters "father" is pulling.  I think I'm getting tired of seeing your posts, dammit!!!  lolol

Anyway, Christmas sucks.  Each parent wants the child, and neither wants to budge.

All I can say is that the two of you NEED to sit down and work something out for future holidays.  I don't agree with the every other Christmas deal, unless the parents live in different states.  I also think the whole waking up with an excited child is awesome.

I think both parents should get to "do" Christmas, and IMO, the particular "day" doesn't matter.  Christmas Eve is part of it, so could you celebrate it on this day?

Since Santa is a magical person, he "could" make a special trip to your house at midnight on the Eve.  

You're concerned about him picking the child up and not bringing her back.  So...offer to have your Christmas one day early, then tell him he can pick her up Christmas Eve night an hour or so before bedtime.  That way you can BOTH share in that first morning "awe".  

To me, this seems like the only "safe" thing to do.  He won't be able to pick her up and keep her, and you can both share a beautiful Christmas day.  

Doesn't it suck dealing with my daughers father, since you seem to know him SO well????  lol

[sweetnsad]

Well, my daughter has just left to go see her Dad until Christmas Eve, but not before the police showed up because he became aggressive and spit on me...all I wanted was for him to promise me he would bring her back Xmas Eve and then he could have her back Xmas night or Boxing Day...no way..he was angry..caused a disturbance and just got p***ed off....

Anyway, the nice police officer told him to stop showing aggression and to stop being an @sshole and to bring her back when I wanted her...he agreed and even apologized to me after they had left...

I never want things to go this far...it upsets me deeply and it makes me sad, but don't push me..don't dictate to me, especially five days before Xmas...I'm a reasonable person, but I won't be walked on...He has a history of violence, so I wasn't taking any chances...

Thanks, IM, for the post...
:-)

[Indigo Mom]

how gnarly!  hopefully it wasn't in front of the little lady!  how grody!

I hope for both your sakes and the childs that he does bring her back Christmas eve.  It would be sad if he kept her since he's getting her on Christmas eve morning.  

I gotta say, you handled the spitting incident quite well.  I have handled situations similar, but man...you spit on me, someone is getting socked! lol

Anyway, best start working on a new holiday plan because things will probably be the same next year.  

:+

[wendl]

could you possibly split xmas day say let dad have the child until xmas eve then you go pick up the child at say xx time, then xmas day maybe drop off child at dads at like noon, that way the kids can share xmas morning together with you and dad can enjoy xmas in the afternoon

Just a suggestion.

[sweetnsad]

Thanks IM...I appreciate your kind words...and yes, I handled it quite well, but that's purely from experience dealing with him...and no, little lady wasn't here..I made sure of that first thing this morning..Grody?  Yes indeedy...x(

To Wendl, I suggested he take her back Xmas Eve, then he can have her again Xmas evening if he so wished...so I have no idea if he will return to take her again..but the offer was there...I just wanted to do the "santa" thing because I had planned on it all along..he never told me he wanted her until Saturday for Xmas...That's fair, right??