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Now have temp and TRO

Started by Tennessee Dad, Feb 22, 2004, 06:57:24 AM

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Tennessee Dad

I posted questions on Soc's board, but thought I would tell the BIG story here.  

I WAS the NCP of 6yo daughter.  As of Friday, I have temp custody, and a TRO.  Due to 3 fires at the Mother's house in the last week, Judge agreed daughter was in danger!  Thankfully, we have had daughter during all of this.   Mother is in the process of moving in with her Mother and Step-Father.  Her house has been foreclosed, and she is being evicted.  

We have actually had daughter the majority of the time the last 3 years.  Mother has been unemployed the last 2 years, and her children have become her means of support.  (She also has a son by a different Father.)  Needless to say, she is very angry and vindictive about my temp order.  She was served yesterday, and the hearing is Friday.  I have been told this hearing is basically a formality; and the showdown will be later, when I am going for full, permanent custody.  

What are our chances of winning this?  I am really torn right now!  Have I done the right thing by my daughter, or have I just made it harder on her in the long run, if I should lose?  

Please, feel free to ask me more if you need more info or clarification.  I am going crazy with worry that something will come up, and I can't keep my daughter safe.  

Indigo Mom

-----I am really torn right now! Have I done the right thing by my daughter, or have I just made it harder on her in the long run, if I should lose? -----

Ok, here's my opinion.  When I went from being a LTNCP (long term ncp) to the CP of my son, I got this weird feeling, too.  I wondered if I could "handle" it, if I could even "do" it.  When I became the CP, monster was out.  So, it was 100% on me to raise this lil person...and I had doubts!  Can you believe that?  I've always been the CP of my daughter, so it's "obvious" I can raise a child...but my silly self had doubts.  It was a VERY difficult time for lil dude and I.  

I'm convinced there's some sort of "disorder" that goes along with suddenly being granted custody.  Can't explain it...we fight SO hard for our children, and when it's granted, we actually wonder if we've done the right thing.  How odd is that??

Anyway, I think you did the right thing.  When you act in your childs best interest, you can't go wrong.  3 fires in ONE week at moms house?  WTF?  Repeat  arson?  Isn't that a crime?  How the hell does one have a home catch fire that many times????  Your child could have been seriously injured...or worse.  And that, my friend, is what you need to keep in mind.  

Don't ever doubt yourself.  When you do, ya mess up in court, ya get sloppy, ya get "iffy", ya get lenient...cause you're scared.  Continue trying to protect your little girl, and love her like there's no tomorrow.  Moms mad?  DUH...she lost one of her meal tickets.  Don't let her anger get to you...let her destroy herself with it.  


Prepare for a fight...but prepare to win for your daughter.

Congrats!!!!!!

Indigo Mom

I guess, when it comes to your ex....my signiture fits!  Her "fires" have destroyed her!  

LOLOL

Tennessee Dad

Her fires have damaged more than the house.  The fire investigator was the main witness in the temp filing.  He thinks she is a "nut case".  

Thanks; I hope it all goes well.!

Kitty C.

I think she has MUCH more to worry about than the custody issue, because if the fire marshall is involved, it won't be long until 'arson' is mentioned, and if it follows course, she will be going bye-bye for a LONG time..........
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

Tennessee Dad

. . . but, she is pointing the finger at a male friend, she had just met, who happened to be staying at her house and helping her move.  We are going on the theory that even if she did not start the fires, she is responsible for having someone in her house that might.  (And she has a pattern of unstable men in her life, not counting my H, lol!)  

Kitty C.

I think she has MUCH more to worry about than the custody issue, because if the fire marshall is involved, it won't be long until 'arson' is mentioned, and if it follows course, she will be going bye-bye for a LONG time..........
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

Tennessee Dad

. . . but, she is pointing the finger at a male friend, she had just met, who happened to be staying at her house and helping her move.  We are going on the theory that even if she did not start the fires, she is responsible for having someone in her house that might.  (And she has a pattern of unstable men in her life, not counting my H, lol!)  

Kitty C.

Well, 'accessory' charges with arson can be pretty bad, too.  *chuckle*  This is gonna be a fun one to watch unfold!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

Tennessee Dad

I finally have a copy of the Motion the Judge signed last Friday.  It is asking to change primary custody from Mother to Father, permanently, and terminating child support payments.  Stated is a material change in circumstances, we have the child at least 50% of the time, and continued custody with the Mother is unsafe.

Hearing is this Friday, 10:00 a.m.  THIS IS the big show!  What do we expect, now?  

msme

Expect to win! We will be praying for you & your daughter. I would read through the parenting plans on this site. Get a copy of your daughter's school calendar & make a very liberal visitation schedule, based on it.

See if you can get in some sanctions regarding unrelated male visitors in the house when your child is there. Also something about drug use.

You are in a prime position for custody, something most men rarely find themselves in without a very long hard battle. Whatever you do, keep your cool. Let the court know that you feel it is important for your child to have her mother involved in her life. Do not bash your ex.

Good luck & God bless.


You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

Tennessee Dad

THANK YOU!  Your response really boosted my spirits.  

Everyone keeps telling me I am in the right.  I would never try to keep daughter from her Mother, but I want to know she is safe and taken care off.  That's all I have ever asked.  

Especially thank you for your prayers; we have a prayer circle going, and lots of prayers will be going up about 10:00 tomorrow.  Thanks for adding yours to the list.  

Tennessee Dad

Hearing today to rule on temporary custody; she showed up without an attorney, so the Judge strongly advised she have one.  She said she wanted one, so he postponed the hearing, leaving me with temp custody, and allowing her visitation.  She is PO'd, and it showed.  Judge asked about where she could have overnights with the child, without being alone with her.  She asked for her Mom's (where she is moving to).   I asked for her Dad's; she said no way, they're on his side (pointing at me).   Even the court officer smiled at this one.  

Next court date to be March 15th, if she can get an attorney.  We are planning on filing the petition for permanent change in custody next week.  This is going to be a long drawn out affair.  Pray for me, I need it.  

Indigo Mom

You know what everyone says about "Temporary Custody".....it's VERY difficult to turn it around, as you already know!

Good luck on your next hearing...at least it's not too far away!  By the way, "where" are her overnights taking place?  Was that decided on?

wendl

well all I can say is good luck. My dh got a TRO on bm and cusotdy of the kids he had a hearing 13 days later and he was ordered to return the kids. He got the TRO due to her so called father who was a convicted sex offender whom stays at her house, however she played that he doesn't sleep over and that the kids wont be unsupervised with this man, therefore dh had to return the kids, so I hope yours goes better than my dh's.  

I honestly cannot understand how a person who was molested by a man as a child would allow this man to be around her let alone her children.

Again good luck, and be prepared.

Tennessee Dad

Visitation with Mom was allowed, but she had to keep the child somewhere overnight, not alone.  She asked for her Mom and Step-Dad; I asked for her Dad and Step-Mom.  She looked at the Judge shaking her head going "NO, NO; they're on his side!"  Even the court officer got a chuckle out of that.  

So, we are just hanging on; we got her back in good form Sunday night.  We were afraid she would be clinging to Mom since she hadn't been with her in three weeks.  But, she didn't; she was ready to go home with us.  I don't think she was real happy there.  She kept telling me how much she missed us.  I just want her happy, and safe!

Tennessee Dad

BM has called; she now wants to settle, because she can't get a lawyer, and she doesn't want to go to court.  I think she may have finally realized she really doesn't have much of a case, and she might lose everything if it goes to court.

I have talked to my attorney; she suggested I proceed with caution and talk to her.  She said IF we can reach an agreement, then we can file it with the court as an agreed order, and this could all be resolved.

I'm not holding my breath, but negotiations are on.  We (wife and I) are going to work on a proposal this weekend, then try to sit down with BM and work it out.  Pray for me; I need all the help I can get!

Tennessee Dad

We went to court today; she showed up with her Mother, but no attorney.  She was served with a petition for full custody when she arrived, before she came in the court room.  She is not happy!

The judge recommended, again, that she get an attorney.  She told him since I am not paying support, and her other ex- is not paying support, she is not working, and can't get disability, that she has no money.  He asked about Legal Aid; she said they wouldn't take the case.  She said she had called other lawyers, and they wouldn't talk to her without any money.  Her Mom said she would see that she gets an attorney.  

The judge didn't want to hear any testimony or see any evidence, but let me keep temporary custody, allowing her visitation two weekends, then me one, and also allowing her Wednesday nights pick up from school and return to school on Thursday.  The principal has agreed to let me know if she has any problem getting her there.   I think that is about the best we could hope for, for now.  

Now, she has 30 days to answer the petition, so we are playing the waiting game; but at least I have daughter the most of the time.  My attorney is going to try and schedule the court date for 30-days out, because she doesn't think the answer will be in any sooner.  So, now we wait.  

Tennessee Dad

The BM's attorney filed a "Motion to Set Aside" last week.  The hearing was yesterday, and BM now has daughter back, until court date June 4th on my "Petition for Change of Custody".  BM wanted me to only have every other weekend visitation, but Judge agreed with me that I should have as much as she had under temporary order.  So, I have her every Wednesday, and two weekends to BM's one.  Not what I wanted, but better than BM wanted.  

The Judge suggested possible mediation.  Has anyone gone through that, or have an opinion?  Thanks!

nosonew

First off, I can't believe she got her back! I am SOOO sorry!

Regarding mediation, if the mediator is not allowed to make recommendations to the court, submit documents to the court, inform the court of "agreements made in mediation",etc, it is friggin worthless- not worth the time, money, aggravation, etc.  Either party can back out after agreements and the court will never know!

BUT, if the court orders that the mediator, or case manager, in our situation, can and will send information to the courts, can contact the judge directly with questions, comments, concerns, etc., can write up agreements for him to sign and make a court order, etc., then it is certainly worth it!

Make sure everything is very specific in the court order as to who has to pay (usually split 50/50) and if one party fails to show up to appts, any agreements made between the mediator and the party who did show up get sent to the court anyway (thus the party showing up wins all) because if it's not important enough to show up, then you don't care what happens.  Also state that if a party has to cancel an appt., they must do so at least 48 hours in advance, unless a medical emergency in which they will have to prove via documentation to the mediator within a specified amount of time.  (Our judge said unless we were in ICU in a hospital or a morgue, we had better be there!) Needless to say, both parties in our case always showed!
Best of luck, email me if you have further questions!--Nosonew

Tennessee Dad

First off, thanks for your response and your comments about mediation.  My thought is if I offer, and she refuses, she looks bad.  And if we go, and she shows herself, which she is prone to do, she looks worse.  So, I have made the offer to at least talk about it.  

As far as Judge giving her back to BM, the only condition I had her on was the TRO allowing temporary custody.  He told us when he first came in the courtroom unless we could prove danger, he had no choice but to let her go back to BM.  The fire investigator was the only witness called, because that was the only issue under consideration, and he stated the BM was not considered a suspect in the fires, and the alledged arsonist had been arrested.  So, that was the end of that.  But I really think he tried to find some reason to let me keep daughter, but legally there was none until all the evidence can be heard in June.  I'm just thankful I have her 10 days this month!  BM only wanted me to have 4!

Thanks for you thoughts!  I really helps to know someone cares.