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Started by Dad in Ca, May 31, 2004, 10:35:18 AM

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Dad in Ca

Greets,

I'm a 48 year old dad with a 3 year old son in California, I have joint legal and physical custody (one week, one week off).

I just got served a motion by my ex-girlfriend, to modify our original agreement last friday; 5-28-04
Court date is June 21
I'm worried and had a consultation with a lawyer the same day.
I cannot afford the attorney, however I think I cannot afford to be without one on this matter.
She is asking for full physical custody, joint legal custody, every other weekend visitations for me, attorney fees and court costs, childcare costs (daycare?), and a lot of restrictions against me.

I'm a good father and have had 50/50 about one year.
I have good parenting skills, I just finished my BA in childhood education and start my single subject teacher's credential in the fall.

Great to be here :)

Erika

Did she put her reasonings why she wants this change, is there a change of circumstances listed. Also what restrictions is she asking for, has she accused you of abuse?!

A year is enough time I think to show 50/50 is established. I am doubtful a judge will change the status quo, unless she will use the abuse card. Has she given you any reason for this before you received the papers.

ie: groans of more CS, etc..

Dad in Ca

Actually, she doesn't get child support.
We used to make the same amount of money so it was a wash.
But now she has gotten a big raise, so I guess she would be paying me.

I pay half of everything that is communal; the daycare, medicine, that kind of stuff.

I still love the girl, but she is all about money, she had me sign for a new suv for her, just before she broke up with me.

gas

Welcome.  I am currently going the other direction, trying to get visitation increased of my 4 yr. old son to 50%.  Trust me, it's much more difficult to get increase later vs. what you got from the outset.  Did you ex agree to the 50/50 or did the court recommend this?  You definitely need an atty, don't even think about going solo.  If you have good documentation from past year demonstrating your parenting abilities you should be in good shape.  To get visitation decreased, she's got to have proof you've been a lousy Dad-and "circumstances have changed significantly from a year ago." What were your atty's thoughts?

Dad in Ca

She agreed to 50/50 when I first took her to court.
The judge was against it, something about no "custodial parent" or something. The judge we have for the modification is very pro 50/50

I have no documentation and while I am a good father, I am a terrible co-parent.  She has done some terrible things to me and I have treated her very bad in response; called her names, etc.
I regret it every day.

I have the best attorney in our town; he took one look at her papers and said he can beat it easily.
Something about she's missing required forms or something.

Costing $1500 which I don't have, but it's better than getting slaughtered; I couldn't imagine not having my son with me.

I'm wondering what are my chances of winning attorney and court fees

gas

Being a lousy co-parent doesn't offset being a great Dad.  She needs to demonstrate you've been a lousy Father to prevail (abuse, negligence, etc.)   Absent that I don't see how she has a case

Where do you live?  I wish I had that pro 50/50 judge....

Can relate with you on the money issue but can't put a price on not having my son....

Sounds like she had a pathetic atty in round 1.  Getting Dad to pay half on child care, pre-school is standard...been there


speciallady

and you have a private message~

Dad in Ca

Thanks you guys!

I'm feeling better already.
I'm just hoping I get to keep my kid :)

Dad in Ca

Hey Gas,

I'm in So Cal, I don't want to disclose the location in case my ex reads this.  She doesn't know I have an attorney and I want to keep it that way.

The first judge was so anti 50/50 it wasn't even funny.
She was wanting to get back with me after walking out unexpectantly one day.  She just called me at work and said she was leaving, packed up the house and took my kid with her.  Wacked me for child support immediately.
When she wanted to get back together, I told her only if we have a joint custody order, in case she got itchy feet again.
So we didn't have an attorney the first time, we just went in and agreed, the judge very reluctantly gave to us.  He wanted to give everything to the mom, so I know how you feel.
Good luck with your deal.
It aint easy.
I went through an entire 19 year child support thing already in San Diego.  Could never get any judge to even give me a second look.

Things have changed since then, so you have a much better shot than I did.
Wishin' you the best

wendl

Welcome,

I would probably argue that the child is 3 and has this schedule for over a year and it has been working out well. That you feel by changing the current order it would not be in the best interest of the child.

Hopefully they will stay with the status quo that you have already formed.

How did the consult with the atty go.
:)

Dad in Ca

It went pretty good with the attorney today.
My wallet is considerably lighter, but I regained some of the piece of mind that has eluded me for the last year.

Basically what he said was that she didn't fill out the forms properly.  She didn't provide the financial information required. She didn't attach check stubs or tax returns.
She didn't provide supporting documentation for wanting to change the current order of 50/50 custody.
She named herself plaintif and named me respondant, when it is actually reversed, I filed for the original order, and since she is attempting to modify it, she remains the respondant?

Anyway, he says he can win this, he'll ask for attorney and court costs, guideline child support (she makes a little more than me), and for each party to be responsible for their own respective daycare costs.
She also sent someone to intimidate me and we have it witnessed and documented.

I truly love the girl to this very day, but she has made my life a living nightmare.  This was her attempt to finally destroy me, take my son and my paycheck.

wendl

Glad things went well with the atty, yep your wallet empties quickly.

Don't let your love for this girl get in the way, concentrate on your child.  If she loved you she wouldn't be making your life hell.

Keep us updated.

georgeburns

I dont know about Cal but in TX you can't really file for a modification for at least three years, unless there is some sort of endangerment to the child.  Does california have a similar law?

Dad in Ca

We went to court Last Monday on 21st

It went just as my lawyer said, she had not filed any documentation on why she wanted the modification.
The judge ruled against her motion imediately.
She tried to state her reasons for wanting the modification but the judge refused to hear it, stating she had not followed due process.
The judge ordered her to pay $500 of my attorney fees.
He said she may refile if she follows due process, she said that is her intention.

Her reasons were that the original judge had stated that he was only granting joint custody because we were attempting a reconciliation and that he wanted us back in court if it didn't work out.
She also said she wants 80/20 custody because she has babysat for me during my weeks while I was in class at school, therefore she had him more than the 50% specified in the order.
I had always allowed her to do so at her request.  I figured it was better for our son to be with his mom than a babysitter.  I didn't realize she was going to use this against me in court.

Now I have a dillema...
She is now demanding that I still allow her to watch our son while I go to class and to watch him while I am at work when the daycare is closed for vacation next month.
It is fully obvious that she plans to use this against me in court.  She says the court order states only she or I be allowed to watch our son, but it doesn't.
All it really says is that she and I alternate custody every other week.
She says if I do not allow her to pick him up from the daycare when I'm at school, she will go take him before I get there.

Do I relent and state this in court, or do I leave my son with a babysitter, which my be construed as changing his "routine"?

Any thoughts or advice?

Thanks!
Dad in CA

wendl

I would talk to your attorney about this and see what he has to say.

If the current court order doesn't specify who can and cannot watch the child or specify that each of you have 1st right of refusal, then during your time you can allow anyone fit to watch your child while you are in class.  Do you by any chance have any family member or friends that can watch your child during your time??


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

nosonew

Although it apparently isn't in your court order, what she is wanting is called, First Right of Refusal, which means that in lieu of a non-relative (and some cases, a relative) that the other parent be given the option to watch the child when the other parent is unable to, via work/school, etc. However, this does work both ways.  If she is working when you are not, you should have the child.  Perhaps discuss this with your attorney... but without it in the c.o., she would be in contempt for interfering with parental custody.  Since she is taking him out of your possession (regardless of whether you are there or not) during your parenting time.

Also, if your child is taken to a daycare that is supplemented by state funds, ie grants, etc., they have forms they have to follow on who picks the child up.  And even WITH a c.o., the other parent is unable to pick up child without written permission from the parent enrolling the child. (I know, we went thru that, and we didn't enroll him).  So...that may be an option for you.  In our case, the bm had told the agency to call the police if we showed up without her written consent...and even with a c.o. stating we were to have him, they refused.  Due to: State Regulations.  

I personally feel a child is better off with either parent than a babysitter, but everyone's situation is different, and considering your court case, you should discuss this with your attorney and of course, for free advice, you should also ask Soc.  Good luck!


Dad in Ca

I have a friend of mine that wants to watch our son, free of charge.
She spends some time with him already, she brings her nephews over to play frequently.
To tell you the truth, I would rather have my ex watch him; she lives very close to the daycare, the logisitics would be much simpler, and he would be with his mother.

I just don't want my custody reduced as a result.
Is a judge likely to take away my joint custody if she watches him more than I do while I am at school?

I'll try to ask the attorney but he is somewhat abrupt with me when I ask advice.
Also he was only retained for the motion which he already defended, that's what he told the judge anyway.

Also...  at the end of the hearing, my attorney pointed out to the judge, my ex never legally responded to the original case she is trying to modify?  We went to court and we were granted joint custodies but it was never completed?
I don't get it.
But he said it was in the benefit of the mother to bring this case to fruition before some specific time elapses, at which time, her custody would be lost by default?
The judge agreed and told her she needed to do something in court quickly and I have no clue what they were talking about...

Thanks!



vindigo

I just had a temp parenting plan hearing last thursday and recieved tues nights and every other weeknend starting friday to monday. Every state is different and there is a 50/50 judge in My town in florida as well. Florida is becoming very father friendly.  All I know that it's how you do your home work and not the lawyer. It's the men that don't do there homework, loose in court.  I've been paying child support since my son was born and had him overnights since he was 2 months old. He is 17 months old now. I was always denied days and even was told fathers day was not my day. Even though i was never married and this is not an assumption. I kick butt without the judge.  Your lawyer should have at least  more then 10 years experience. I also belive in you get what you pay for.  They all know the laws, but not all of them are respected in the courts if you know what I mean. Lawyers are buisness men first, then attorneys.  I'm fighting for 50/50 cause I've been there and I'm a great dad too. And believe me, I write down everything she said to me or denied. I haven't had to use it yet. They don't care about the best parent! It's about the best interest of the child. And if both parents have done nothing seriously wrong?  Then it should be 50/50.

joni

sent you an email with info about your shared parenting arrangment that you can use in a motion.

with your educational background, I'd think you'd be a slam dunk to keep your current arrangement.

Watch your P's & Q's around this woman...assume that she's taping you on the phone and at exchanges....bite your lip when she pi$$e$ you off, you don't need her filing a restraining order against you and killing all your chances to keep your 50/50.

gas

Hey Dad in Ca,

Checking in to see how it went in court June 21
My 50/50 hearing now scheduled for mid-July

San Diego Dad

Dad in Ca

Hi Gas,

It went well, I won... according to the attorney.
It was somewhat of a letdown... I won because she didn't fill out her forms.
Now I'm waiting for her to refile so I can spend another 1500 bucks or more...

I posted what happened a few posts above.

Wishin' you the best at your hearing.

Good Luck,
Dad in Ca

gas

Hi Ca. Dad,

That's  good to hear.  Nice deal having an ex AGREE to 50/50 from the outset and then is so incompetent she can't complete proper paperwork.  Mine fighting like hell to keep status quo (70/30) and is a capable Mom without any black marks that will show up in court.  

Seems the only Dads that win 50/50 IN court have ex's who have proven to be pathetic parents.  If all else fails I am going to propose to the judge that child support NOT be changed if my timeshare increases significantly.  That way she can't play the "it's all about the money" card.  Can't really afford it but then again how do you put a price on more time with two sons

Dad in Ca

"propose to the judge that child support NOT be changed if my timeshare increases significantly..."

Hopefully it won't resort to that.
It is a shame that with all the dad's that walk out on their kids, the ones who really want to have joint custody can't get it.
Especially two sons.  That saddens me beyond words... this is truly a messed up world in which we live.

I hate to say it, but with many of these girls, it's all about money.
I have to believe the judges know what's going on, they see it day in day out.

It should be automatic that any parent asking for joint custody should get it... barring abuse, neglect, or logistical problems.

Good luck Gas

Yngsmommy

Quick question.

Does she work, and if so how is she able to care for your son while your at work/school.

Honestly even though him spending time with his mom is a good thing, I would consider.... maybe reducing the time by half. Have your friend watch him once, and then your ex.

I can see them reducing the time to keep it "status quo" cause right now even though you technically have 50/50... your ex spends more "parenting" time with him...

Dad in Ca

Hi Yngsmommy

She works full time.
I work full time and attend classes after work 3 or 4 days a week.
She would pick him up for me at the daycare for me and I would pick him up from her on the way home from school.

I talked to my lawyer about this, he said for me to worry about my weeks and let her worry about hers.  A girlfriend from school is watching him at my house for me now, and I even took him to class once, my teacher said to bring him and the girls love him :)
I'm even thinking of taking him out of the daycare on my weeks and enrolling him in a preschool near my house.  I don't know if this would be going too far.

My lawyer told me that my ex had contacted an attorney, because the attorney had called him about the case.
He also said she didn't hire the attorney.

My attorney wants to file an adendum??  or something that sounds like that, and go back to court to wrap up my original case that is apparently not finished yet.
I asked if it is possible if I could lose and he said he doesn't think so.
He was right about beating her modification motion.

I'm kind of worried, what if I pay to drag her back in and lose...

Troubledmom

Listen to your attorney. The addendum he is talking about completes the custody orders. It sounds as if at your hearing, when the agreed upon orders were made, they were temporary. He is correct in saying it needs to be completed. As far as losing, well anything is possible, but it does not sound as if it would be likely.
Make sure that your attorney puts something in your paperwork he files that states that you were operating under good faith regarding the Right to First Refusal for your child's mother to provide child care while you were in school. And that you ceased when it became appearant that she was intending to use the right of first refusal to significantly impact your parenting time.
As for the removal of the child from his daycare, I would wait. In fact you may want to include in your Addendum a provision that a suitable preschool in a suitable location for both parents be sought for the upcoming 2004/2005 school year and have the issue of where the child will attend public school when he starts be addressed as well. Look to the future so you aren't back in court again because of disagreements about such things.
Hope that helps.

TM

Lovingdad

Welcome.  I am just begining the divorce process (see topic #3878 under Father's issues).  I would love to have a 50/50 joint custody arrangement, and hope that you keep yours.  I read the first few replies to your post, and agree with them.  I would also recommend you contact darkspectre.  He may be able to provide you with some insight, if he's still checking this site and reading the boards.  Congrats on the year of 50/50.... my prayers are with you that status quo prevails, I am scared to death of getting anything less than that for myself in the next few months.