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custody evaluation *help*

Started by seansmom, Jul 25, 2005, 01:35:31 PM

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seansmom

I filed for divorce from my husband last May. I live in Arizona which is a no fault state. He has to give me 1/2 of all porperty and such. That is killing him. So to hurt me (because he knows my 4 year old son is my whole life) he had a custody evaluation ordered by the court.  Any tips from anyone who has been through an evaluation? I have done some research and I know to always be honest with the elvaluator. But because I love my son so dearly I'm scared to death! Any advise from anyone???!!!

Thanks, Seansmom

CustodyIQ

Hi,

If you have nothing to hide, then there's no reason to be scared to death.

I would express one concern I see from your post.  Granted, this is one person's perspective based upon a very brief paragraph.

It seems as though it's your attitude that your ex is ONLY interested in getting back at you, has NO interest in the child, and would ONLY want to get time with the child for vengeance against you.

That may be true, and you may have really figured it all out.

However, I would suspect that it's likely not true.  I don't see vengeful ex-spouses try to get back at the other through a custody evaluation.  There are a hundred other options that are more insidious.

So, I would suspect that your ex has pursued a custody evaluation because he A) has major concerns about you as a parent, or B) believes your approach is threatening the father/child bond, or C) has no major concerns of you as a parent but he still thinks he's the better parent.

I'd encourage you to really think if any of that could be true.  If you can honestly examine that and come to your same conclusion, then you should have nothing to worry about with the evaluation process.

But, if I may be on to something, you still have plenty of time to make some adjustments in your own thinking and behavior so that it doesn't hurt you in the evaluation.

The worst thing to have reported in an evaluation is not that a parent has made mistakes that negatively influences the child, but rather that the parent has made mistakes and refuses to admit or recognize them.

If you're stable, and if you always stay focused on the child, you'll do fine; so don't worry too much about it.


dontunderstand

I have not gone through it yet, but I have looked at the custody evaluation guide they have on this site.  It gave us some prospective as to what to expect...good luck!

msme

"So to hurt me (because he knows my 4 year old son is my whole life) he had a custody evaluation ordered by the court."

Sorry, but he cannot get anything "ordered by the court." There has to be just cause. Since you have been to court, what kind of Parenting Plan were you willing to participate in? Did you request 50/50 so that both of you could equally parent the child?

I don't think you have told us the whole story so you just may have reasons to worry.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

seansmom

We have not yet went to court for Temp. orders (child suport ect.) I received an order from my lawyer from his lawyer from a judge in superior court ordering we both do the evaluation and ordered us both to pay half. My husband says neglect which is totally untrue, if fact since my son has been born he said I spoiled him too much. As I said in my first letter he's trying to hurt me the only way he can, and thats through our child. Iv'e been a stay at home mom and my son is everything to me. He has our son everyother other weekend from fri at 4pm through Sun. at 4pm and a dinner visit every Wed. I wasnt trying to make a good impression on this site I way asking for advise.

seansmom

Thank you for your detailed reply. I will seriouly think about what you have written. But my ex has not been a good father he's an alcoholic who has never phsically hurt him but has been very neglectful.  He has parenting time now everyother weekend from fri at 4pm to sun at 4pm and a dinner visit every Wed. My lawyer has spoke with my ex's lawyer about doing weekly alcohol testing to insure his safety in his care but he has not done so. As I stated in my first letter he's trying to get back at me, he always said if I ever left him I would get nothing, no house, no money and no child. Now he knows there's nothing he can do about our property, that has to be divided, so he's using our child because it's all he has left to hurt me with. I have been a good mom and have nothing to hide, and my focus in life since his birth has been my child so I will try not to worry.
Thank You

msme

Would you be satisified with that same amount of contact & parenting time with your son, that his father is getting? If you haven't been to court, who set up the eow & Wed dinner visitation?

You seem to be very focused on how you are being hurt. Have you given any consideration to how much it hurts your son & his father to see so little of each other?

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

seansmom

Yes I have thought about that. My son loves his father and would never try and keep him from him. He has not been a very attentive father but he's all he's ever known. The parenting time was agreed through our lawyers and has worked out well so far. I dont know if your a father or not and if you are I'm sure your a very good one, but my husband never has been. ei: He's never taken him to the park, movies, school, fishing, sporting event or any type of vacation in his whole life. Are money was always seperate so he rarely spent a dime on him as well. I'm the only parent who has ever taken care of him in every aspect of his life. He loves to see his dad on their parenting time, but loves to come home to his mommy.

TPK

You seem to feel you're "entitled" to have custody of the child because you're the mother. He may very well prevail in court and get custody. If I was you I would be scared......very scared.

Why would you need 1/2 of his money if you kept separate accounts anyway?....gold diggin'?

Maybe he'll get custody and then your quote from your last post will read  "He loves to see his Mom on their parenting time, but loves to come home to his Daddy"

TPK









seansmom

Obviously you have not read a word I have said. I just wanted some advise. Your obviously a very angry man.  I will not be back on this site again. You must have lost you own children............(now why don't that surprise me)

TPK

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out! (slam!)



TPK


msme

I'll just bet that you can't resist peeking to see if anyone responded to your trantrum. Well, you thought that I was a man but that was wrong. I am a grandmother of 8 children. I watched while a biased judge ripped 3 of them away from their father & me & put them back in a brothel with their drugged up, whoreing, vicious, abusive mother. We had to drive away after each visit while the kids stood there crying & screaming & begging, "Please daddy, please grandmom, don't make us stay here."

Their dad had them because the police had removed them because of abuse & neglect, & her attempt to murder my son & me. He got them back in an exparte hearing, after she beat one so bad that her whole little face was black & blue & swollen.

Now you keep saying that you want advice. Well here it is. Your child needs both of you EQUALLY, in his life. You are not more important to him than his dad. His dad is not trying to hurt you by having equal time with him. He is trying to be a good FATHER.

Get your head out of your ass & start researching the issue on this site. You say you won't be back. Well, that is your loss. This is the best site on the net for kids. We will not sit back & help you lick your wounds. We will tell you the truth & hopefully, you & your child will benefit.

I hope you read this & take a long hard look at the whole issue. If you are too sorry & imature to handle this like a mature adult that wants the very best for her child, then don't come back. Good luck, you are gonna need it.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

metamorphosis


foughtandwon

you have one thing going for you and that is the state your in

AZ even though it says other wise heavily favors the mother.
yes i know this cause im about to enter into a custody battle again after being awarder custody almost a year to the day. the mother has made numerous false claims and has finally found someone that wants to believe her.

FLMom

In an ideal world I think equal custody time is the way it should be.

However, it seems by the poster's letter that her ex does have an acknowledged alcohol problem. If it's something large enough that lawyers----his included----mentioned weekly alcohol testing, this may be a good time frame for him to get his act together. As the poster said, this is a temporary arrangement of custody time. Someone who retains a lawyer and is smart tells their lawyer everything. If his own lawyer is in agreement of weekly testing then that kind of tells you something, doesnt' it?

I think we've become jaded lately due to some flamers popping up. It doesn't make every new poster someone to poke sticks at, though. We were ALL uneducated at one time or another. Just because one does not come off as immedietly wanting equal custody does not make them a bad person or a flamer. There may be circumstances to be worked out that we are unaware of. I came here dumb as a box of rocks, with an ex that took off with the kids. I know the pain of seeing my children every other weekend. However, I do know parents of BOTH sexes that see their children only on a limited basis, and in a few of those cases it's for a darn good reason (ie: drugs, alcohol, endangerment, etc). When it just happens for no reason it's a raw deal---especially for the kids.

So let's try some education here, why don't we?

In the main menu at the top of the boards there are sections titled article archives and eval guide. Both sections should be very helpful answering any questions you may have. All of us here have been through a little bit of the court system and have issues we have encountered. If you ever get into mediation I've got some experience with that part.

While every other weekend and one night a week is the norm for most states, most children of divorce will say that they want both parents in their lives equally. It is possible---I've got a pistol of an ex and we manage it.

Good luck, and may we all learn something new everyday. . . . .

FLMom



msme

While you make some valid points, in this case, if you read all the responses from seansmom, you will notice that she changes her story to suit each poster'  response.

When refering to the child, it is always, "my son", or "my child", but when she is refering to the father's time with the child, it is, "our child". It would appear that she is feeling scared that the evaluator may see just how difficult she is being & she is looking for some support for her actions.

She also keeps saying that this is all because he is trying to hurt her. I have to wonder how eow & Wed dinner got set up without any input from her. I know if I were in control, I would not be the one with eow.

Also, she didn't respond when told that a person cannot just make the court order a custody eval without some grounds. But I guess that is because he is picking on her & now he has the court doing it too.

As far as the alcohol issue goes, she said that her lawyer discussed weekly testing with his lawyer but nothing happened. That could also mean that there was no problem but only her trying to sling mud. If she instructs her lawyer to pose that issue to his lawyer, than his lawyer has to meet & hold the discussion. That does not give it any credibility.

As a grandmother who has seen her son brought to the very brink of self-distruction by a judge & a pbfh who were step by step destroying his children & his life, I tend to try to see the whole picture & maybe try to read between the lines.

I cannot sympathize with a person (man or woman) who is not willing to see anything but their own agenda & wants nothing more than to have their own poor behavior validated.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!