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Author Topic: Illinois dad and Moving out  (Read 9336 times)

tigger

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #10 on: May 13, 2009, 12:44:58 PM »
IMHO, any woman who wants a divorce and demands that the father leave is just plain greedy and I would seriously doubt any sincerity on their part regarding the situation.

I agree in theory but every situation is different.  In my situation, my ex had an affair with my best friend/wife of his best friend.  They thought we could remain married to our respective partners and they could keep seeing each other.  Uh, no.  I filed but only because he wasn't willing to work on the marriage and he wasn't willing to leave.  So technically, it looks like I wanted out of the marriage.  He wanted to remain in the marriage but wasn't willing to give up his mistress and he went outside the marriage first.  The "house" was in my name, purchased before the marriage and I didn't want to move the children away from their extended family (his family). 

Ironically, when I found out that he wanted to move back onto the property (9 years after the separation) but have me remain on the property as well (split 4.63 acres from his parents), I moved.  I bought a stick built house.  He turned in the trailer on a doublewide.  I had to sign it over to him for him to do that but it saved me the cost of removing it or the debris left after donating it to the fire department.
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!


Davy

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #11 on: May 13, 2009, 03:07:34 PM »
Kitty.  To respond to your inquiry and speaking in general terms I would agree that a disenchanted party should be the one to leave the home if is really necessary (disregarding actual abusive or immoral behavior).  I say that somewhat tongue-in-cheek because I try not to comment on the complexitity of adult relationships.  I'm more into the reaction of the system that somehow has the power to harm or destroy children.

I know enough of you over the years to say you are not typical and a strong individual to put aside vindicative behavior while realizing the value of the other parent to your child.  I function the same. She hasn't responded accordingly in 25 yrs....anniversary today.  There's always hope  especially considering three adult chldren hammer her every chance they get.

Please tell DH  some ole man  blew you a kiss today ...............

Kitty C.

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2009, 03:40:36 PM »
Awwwwwwww, now yer makin' me blush!  I know that what we went through made our marriage SO much stronger.  And I have all the girls at work jealous of me because they think he spoils rotten!  As DH likes to say, I know how to keep the dog under the porch!     But we both know what we have with each other and we cherish that.....and yes, he knows just how strong I am, too!
 
Twenty five years.......hmmmmmm, if she hasn't figured it out by now, I'd say it's a lost cause.  But your kids have more determination that my SS does......he's just waiting for the next 3 years to get by, so he can tell the BM to kiss his backside and slam the door on his way out!  I actually feel kinda sorry for her, knowing that she will grow old lonely and alone....NOT!
 
The best was the call on Mother's Day from SS.....to tell me he loved me, right in front of his mother!
 
  Back at cha!!!!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

Davy

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #13 on: May 13, 2009, 04:01:57 PM »
Dog under the porch ?  I'll have to store that away in my ravished mind.  I guess that means DH no longer runs with the big cats so he just stays on the porch begging/mumbling here Kitty Kitty !!

DadsCrushed

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #14 on: May 14, 2009, 07:10:59 AM »
Along the lines of the other posts: do NOT move out.
 
Also, start documenting everything. Keep journals per various subjects. Cancel joint credit cards and get hold of vital records.


shaden3

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #15 on: May 14, 2009, 08:40:59 AM »
Chidad, do what's right for you and your kids.
Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Thou shalt not be a victim. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.

Davy

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #16 on: May 14, 2009, 06:08:46 PM »
Shaden,

This father has come to this board asking about the ramifications of the anticipation of moving away from his children and the family home.  He's no different than the rest of us forced to face all the issues and unknowns.  I'm glad he came here.  It has been my experience that many fathers may have already worked your common sensual advice.

Perhaps you have read a few magazine articles or a couple of chapters by another liberal and slanted 'thought' writer so you feel comfortable regurgitating your hoity toity philosophies.  To me, you seriously cross the line painting fathers about to lose their precious children (and vise versa) "with a chip on their shoulder", "angry", etc.  Essentially, in your own little sickness, you are bringing all of the ugliness of a possible family break down on the back of fathers.

The lifes and well-being of children are at stake and you keep guessing wrong  ..................
... Go Fish.

gemini3

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #17 on: May 15, 2009, 05:08:07 AM »
Shaden,
 
Please understand that the reason we are all here on these boards is because we have seen first hand what the family court system does to children and their parents, and we hope to help other people so that they won't suffer the same losses that we have.
 
I personally don't feel that protecting yourself legally means you have a chip on your shoulder.  Family court is the only place in our great country that you can be stripped of your property, your assets, and your right to raise your own children without due process and for no other reason than the other party didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.  Regardless of whether or not you want to be in the marriage. 
 
In our country a system exists that seeks to siphon as much money as possible from non-custodial to custodial parents purely because they believe it saves them money on welfare expenses, and because they profit directly from the amount of child support collected.  One only needs to look at the current battle being waged in MA over the new child support guidelines which have increased NCP obligations by as much 59%.  How would you feel if someone told you that your mortgage payment has suddenly gone up 59%, and if you don't pay it you're going to jail.  And you have no recourse!!  They say debtors prison no longer exists in the United States - but it is alive and well when you're a non-custodial parent.
 
This man's children could end up seeing him 4-6 days a month (the standard).  How do you think the kids would feel about that?  Do you think they would feel like it was in their "best interest" to only see their father 4 days a month?  Because family courts do - and they will enforce it.  Even while our president goes on about the importance of fathers in the lives of children - our family courts forcibly separate fathers from their children on a daily basis.
 
When a system such as this exists, one cannot afford to try and be Mr. Nice Guy.  You do that until one party has decided they no longer want to be in the marriage.  Once that happens, you have to look out for yourself and your children.  The children are the ones who will suffer most in this situation.  Yes, this gentleman's wife has asked for a "break" - but by asking him to move out she is asking him to relinquish his rights to the children and their mutual assets.  I do not think it is wise for him to comply with this request.  If that upsets his wife, oh well.  If the shoe were on the other foot I am sure she would feel the same way.

shaden3

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #18 on: May 15, 2009, 09:29:01 AM »
gemini: Your reply asking that I "Please understand that the reason we are all here on these boards is because we have seen first hand what the family court system does to children and their parents, and we hope to help other people so that they won't suffer the same losses that we have," is very much heard, considered, and entirely understood.
 
I have dealt with over 1,000 cases such as those posted on these boards. My professional life is dedicated (via a non-profit) to working with precisely the type of fear, pain, bad history and lousy court experiences that are discussed. However, the worst thing a conflict professional can do (and part of why a true, experienced and decent mediator can reap such beneficial results) is because one never asks that folks use the personal experiences of other people to guide them. In fact, when asked if I've got kids and what my situation is during sessions, the answer must always be, " This is about you and your family."
 
Family dynamics are so unique, so very private and different from other families' dynamics, that assuming the result of going to court or working via improving the way people talk to one another depends on those unique individuals. It's fine to tell people your experience, but advising them not to move out, to move out, to file particular petitions and garner damning documentation may not be the best for them. It may fuel a fire that could have been tamped by opening doors, rather than closing them.
 
I am sorry you've had such a bad time, that you believe your situation is untenable. My work is full of darkness and despair, but without finding a way to hand people their own situations back to them and asking that they consider ALL options (both adversarial and otherwise), there would never be those good days where people call to thank this agency for helping get them out of the hell they faced and toward some hope and control.
 
 
Thou shalt not be a perpetrator. Thou shalt not be a victim. Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.

gemini3

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Re: Illinois dad and Moving out
« Reply #19 on: May 15, 2009, 10:18:19 AM »

Family dynamics are so unique, so very private and different from other families' dynamics, that assuming the result of going to court or working via improving the way people talk to one another depends on those unique individuals.

 
I see where you're coming from, but disagree with you on this point.  I do not believe that the outcome of going to court depends on the individuals.  I believe that it's based on a set of archaic and unbalanced laws.  Often times both individuals, the mother and the father, leave court feeling like what happened was not in their best interest and totally out of their control.
 
Please understand that am not saying that this man should not attempt a collaborative divorce or mediation, or try to get along with her.  I am saying that, if he decides to move out, he should do so with a safety net.  However he chooses to negotiate that with his wife.  It doesn't have to be adversarial.  But in IL, in order to be binding, I do believe it has to be signed by a judge.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with that.  Given the situation facing men in divorce, I believe that is the prudent thing to do.
 
I think it's absurd to tell someone not to use the experiences of others to guide them.  Isn't that the whole point of written history, research, case law, etc?

 

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