My daughter rejects me openly. I'm hacked.

[equality4PTdads]

    This has been an on going problem for years. My daughter is 8yrs old. I have been divorced for 5. The usual bitter long drawn out divorce, in fact we are in court every year.  When she is with me she loves me but for some reason clings to my wife more than me.  If there should be any alienation issues I would think the X would focus this endeavor twds my wife, the woman I had the affair with. Not condoning this but it's the past. The x has been remarried for about 4yrs. The fellow treats my child nice, and I feel my daughter loves him. I'll never have respect for the worm as he tried to adopt my child. Not a rat's chance in a blender.

    All her little activites such as, cheerleading, B-Ball, Soccer, I attend. When I show up she won't look at me. When I approach her she just ignores me, won't say two words to me.  This makes me so upset I want to pull my hair out. I'm no psyche proffessor so I don't know how to handle this, discipline her scold her, ignore it. Can someone help?

    Her affection twds her mother and her mother's affection to my daughter is hmm... too affectionate?? I mean she worships the ground she walks on.  It's just not natural or mentally healthy, can't be.  I mean the child still can't be away from her mother more than three days without going into hysteria.  At all these events my child has eyes totally fixated on her mother nearly the entire time where she can't even focus on what she's doing. I observe all the other children and they are focused on the event not the parent.  Is this healthy? This has to be some sort of pyschosis on both sides to some degree. 

[ksmarks]

 
How is she when she is with you without her mother around?
Your post doesn't say what your status is regarding custody or visitation, they might factor into the equation, hard to tell with the information at hand.

It does stink when you feel rejected by you child.

I know my husband wasn't big on seeing a therapist regarding his children's reactions and attitudes with him after he and I married, however, I think that it did help him understand both his feelings and his kids.  That might work for you too....

[equality4PTdads]

KSmarks, thanks for your reply. I have the standard part time visitation, every other weekend agenda that this pitiful Matriarchal Domestic Court System (no offense intended) has handed down.

She acts ok when away from the mother twds me. Holds my hand and stuff. However, she definately is much more affectionate with my wife for some reason, maybe its a girl thing? Or maybe she thinks i dont want nothing to do with her? I wish i knew.

Im going to have a family meeting tonite and i just dont know what to tell her. For right now Im just going to tell her that her actions twds me are wrong and she needs to not be afraid of what her mother thinks of her for showing me open affection.

[Kitty C.]

I agree..........we kind of went through the same thing when SS was little.  If we were at an event that BM and SF were at, SS would completely ignore us.  It wouldn't be until DH literally went directly to him that SS would even look at him or respond, and even then he seemed to be constantly watching BM's reaction.

One time I was riding my bike (small town of less that 2500) and passed SS and SF on their bikes, so I said hi to SS...he acted like I didn't even exist!  Then not long after that, I was washing the ambulance (I'm a vol. EMT) when SS and SF showed up at the public storage next door.  I didn't want to seem rude and went over to just say hi to SS and tell him we were looking forward to seeing him the next weekend.  He seemed hesitant to acknowledge me, but he did.  Then after DH picked him up that next weekend, SS told DH he got in trouble and was 'punished' for talking to me.  Apparently this had been going on for quite some time and certainly explained SS's behavior when we'd see him, but he wasn't 'officially' with us.  BM was adamant that SS have absolutely NOTHING to do with either of us if it wasn't our court-ordered time to have him.

Sounds like some variation of this might be going on with your daughter.  She's so hyper-focused on BM so she can't see you....for fear of acknowledging you and getting punished for it.  I agree with ksmarks, in that if you have an opportunity to go to a counselor or therapist with your daughter, you should take it.  If nothing else, it might give you a better understanding of what's going on.

[equality4PTdads]

Thanks for the reply. I had a talk with her tonite, the wife and I.  As i knew she would, she denied it all. All I could tell her is that it's wrong for her to treat me and my wife the way she does. I just dont know if i should even go to her events any longer at least until she is older and can think for herself. But i know i will show up because at least i can see her having fun.
Therapy is something i will consider but i will have to research it with my lawyer, my x will definately have me in court over it if she can, no matter if i'm right in doing so.  We stay in court.
She is so bitter and hateful even after 5yrs. My child thinks I abandoned her, she told me this tonite. Not true. I asked her to make judgements on what she sees now not at what her mother tells her.
She calls her step dad, daddy and at first started calling me by my first name, the latter i quickly instructed her on.  Not a big deal but i will not allow my child to call my wife mommy. I just dont think it's right.

[gemini3]

It sounds to me like a couple of things are going on - the first being some alienation on the part of your ex and her new husband, the second that your daughter is very insecure about her relationship with her mom and how her mom is going to handle things.

In regards to the alienation, there are some great books out there that talk about ways that you can handle what's going on to minimize the damage to your relationship with your daughter.  Divorce Poison and Divorce Casualties are the ones that I would recommend.   

In regards to her relationship with her mom.  I am thinking that your daughter was a first-hand witness to how emotionally devastated your wife was after the affair.  It sounds like she didn't shelter your daughter from this, or from how upsetting it is for her to see you (and/or see you with your new wife).  Therefore, she is probably hyper-sensitive to this issue and worries about her mom getting upset when you show up to her events.  She is either trying to show her mom loyalty, or she's trying to minimize how upset her mom is going to get.  It's a sad place for any child to have to be in.

The fact that she says you abandoned them tells me that she has knowledge of the affair and why you divorced.  That is a very grown up accusation for an eight year old, so my guess is that she heard it from her mom.  She probably harbors anger towards you for causing a divorce, and she may fear that you will abandon her too.  She may also feel that both you and her mom have new partners, and she is the odd person out.  She might be testing you to see whether or not you will abandon her before she feels like she can trust you - especially with what her mom is telling her.  Make sure she knows how much you love her and that no matter what happens you will always be there for her.  I would try and get some counseling for your daughter.  If not, try seeing a counselor on your own to get help navigating the situation and how to best handle things with your daughter.   

I would not withdraw your participation in her events.  Whether or not she can articulate it now, it is important to her for you to be there.  She is very young right now, but soon she will have a more mature understanding of relationships, and she will be able to make her own decisions about what she thinks is true.  But at her age she is not yet able to do that.  Give her time, I think she'll come around.

[Kitty C.]

I agree wholeheartedly with Gemini, but would add one more thing.  I would NOT talk to her about these things again.  That's putting adult responsibilities on a child.  She doesn't have the capability yet to understand what is going on and why.  It's bad enough that BM has put her in a position of feeling responsible for her mother's feelings.  And all the more reason why counseling would be a good idea....regardless of what BM thinks about it.  So what if BM takes you to court over it.........if you know it's the right thing to do and it's beneficial for your daughter, that's all that counts. 

All your focus should be on is your daughter's well being.  Keep going to her events........after what she's already told you, she NEEDS you to be there, even if she can't really tell you that.  See, that is what the BM is counting on....that by constantly reinforcing to DD that you abandoned them, she will jump on every opportunity to verify that to her.  Show up and keep being there, no matter how uncomfortable anyone makes it for you.  Your presence will eventually tell your DD that you did NOT abandon her, regardless of what BM tells her.

But once you do get to court, make sure you include that DD canNOT call anyone else Mom or Dad except bio-parents.  We had that happen too, in a way.  We got married when SS was barely 4 y.o. and BM married exactly 2 weeks later.  SS always came to up on DH's weekends with 2 bags, one with clothes and one with toys.  A few months after BM got married, I happened to notice SS's toy bag had his first name and SF's last name on it.  I showed it to DH and while DH took SS back, he asked SS what his name was.  SS gave his first name, but SF's last name.  Apparently after BM got married, SS either realized that her last name changed and assumed his did too (and BM refused to correct him), or she told him that it had.  EIther way, it was wrong.  DH told SS that his last name was still DH's and SS started to cry.  So DH straightened it out with BM immediately and threatened her with legal action if she didn't cease and desist.  We never had the problem again.  And when all this came out, it appeared that BM and SF were also prompting SS to call SF dad, too.

[4honor]

I was a child of divorced parents. My mother was the queen of hositle agressive parenting and alienation. I was 16 when they separated and not yet 18 when the divorce was finailzed. My mother used to beat my younger sister for asking when we were going to see Daddy again, and she would make me and my brothers watch.

I grew up thinking my father KNEW what torment my mother put me and my siblings through AND that he either wouldn't or couldn't rescue me. It made me angry that he "escaped" and he left me behind. (I didn't find out until I was 40 that he never knew.)

I learned how to survive in my mother's home. It meant that I did whatever it took .. lying, pretending, joining my mother in treating my father badly. Through it all, my Dad drew a line in the sand and refused to step back, no matter how hard I pushed him away. He also never stepped closer than I let him at any one time. It took him years to break through but he did.
You daughter is showing classic signs of a young child who is using a child's logic to deal with abandonment issues, alienating behaviors from one parent toward the other and all who are disloyal. She is likely subject to loyalty tests weekly, if not daily or hourly. When you have to prove over and over again to the one person you HAVE to trust, that you can be trusted, you develop an unhealthy attachment. It is not unlike Stockholm syndrome where a hostage starts to identify with their captors.

There is hope, but you need to understand you are dealing with a fragile mind right now. Telling her she is WRONG is just going to hurt her self esteem more. Tell her she is behaving badly... make it about her actions, not about her person. Demand she treat you and her step mother at least as well as she would treat a stranger. Make it clear that at your house she is free to love anybody she wants, but she is not free to hate. Make your home a safe haven. Make your opposition to her behavior a matter of how it is effecting HER, not you. Its not about guilt, but guiding her into being the kind of woman she can be proud to be when she is grown...one with no regrets.

[boilergal]

I don't know if someone else said this or not...

Kids of divorce can have divided loyalties.  And similar to what 4honor mentioned, they do what they need to do in order to survive.

My SS was a classic case of two seperate worlds.  When X would talk with him when his mom was around (which was mostly always) then the conversation was short and mostly yes or no answers or "I don't know."  But the few times when they would speak and she was out (grandpa was babysitting) SS's end of  the conversation was quite animated.

SS always had a great time with X put his mom did a good job with PAS.  She never denied any visitation because that would have landed her in court, but she and her mom did a great job of poisoning SS so that SS believed everything that was said.

So SS's two worlds were very seperate so that he could survive and X understood that.  And although X was hurt, he knew that SS understood that he loved him.  It was safer for SS to reject his dad because he knew there wouldn't be any real repercussions, but standing up to his mom when he was 14 or 15 was not a possibility. 

She's only 8 and she just needs to know that you love her no matter what.

Good luck

[MixedBag]

Wanna re-emphasize the benefits of getting a copy of Divorce Poison.

AWESOME book that explains what's going on right now and how you can turn it around.

[ksmarks]

I'd like to reiterate the therapy issue, counseling for both you and your child would be my recomendation, however, you need to talk to a therapist regarding how you are feeling.

Also, it read to me as though your daughter is good with your wife, if that is the case; then I would suggest that you just give your daughter a little room to grow, and continue to be supportive and loving.

Word of caution though, my step daughter was very  close to me when my husband and I married, her mother used and twisted it to the point that the kid questioned everything in her life.   Can I say again, therapy?

I agree with other posters, you can not yell at your child, you can however, stop and say hello, if you don't her mother might attempt to convince her that you were not present.   My 20 year old step daughter was convinced that dad never went to her functions until this year at Christmas when I handed her the two bulging file folders containing all of the programs.

Best Wishes to all three of you!  (You, your daughter and your wife)

K

[Rave]

I think therapy is the way to go.

Humans rarely successfully verbalize what they really mean.  Children can be expected to have even less skill in this area.  In addition, kids grow up having certain belief systems based on their interpretation of events and relationships during their youth.  There is too much room for miscommunication, wrong interpretation, exaggerated beliefs and hurt feelings without open communication.  If you aren't a trained psychotherapist, there's a good chance your efforts could backfire.  And I agree with the posters below, that the talk with your 8-yr-old about it being wrong that she doesn't show you the right amount of affection, probably wasn't age appropriate.

I watched a similar scenario play out.  DH's ex filled their 3 daughter's minds with negatives about their father.  Therapy was never considered (except one time when we had 1 of them live with us, and it was my idea to foster open communication, and it helped).   All 3 have been extremely loyal to their mother, despite allegations of abuse (they lived in another country with her, so nobody really knows what happened). 

Along the way, all three exhibited behavior which most adults would not tolerate.  However, because they were stepchildren and because my husband felt the typical guilt feelings, their behaviors were not addressed.  Likewise, since my DH didn't address their behaviors, I couldn't really either because I'd just be the classic evil stepwitch.  So I wound up sick to my stomach each time they'd come to visit, take over our home and deliberately be nasty to me and our son.

For many years, I looked forward to the day when they would become adults and stop the hate campaign.  Their ages are now 27, 25 & 22.  Unfortunately, since noone addressed their behavior, they grew to believe it was acceptable.  A few years ago, I pulled back.  I rarely see them.  In my mind, their lack of maturity is no excuse for continued abuse towards me.  My DH can see them when he wants, and they can visit us anytime they want (although they never do, since it's much more difficult to get away with obvious obnoxious behavior under our roof).  The oldest and the youngest sort of get it now.  They can at least be civil to my face and I don't care what else they think or say. 

The middle one, however, is the lone holdout.  She is still a small child trapped in an adult's body.  She's the consummate victim, she blames others for everything that happens to her and she has a horrible track record of maintaining any sort of relationships.  She's known as the "sensitive" one, yet can muster up more venom in an instant than a pitbull.  She constantly stirs the pot by having her sisters or her grandmother pass on nasty messages or accusations about me.  Her world revolves around her.  That's natural for small children, but is considered arrested development when it continues at her age.

My point is, as her parent, one of your responsibilities is to teach her how to have successful relationships.  I tried raising that red flag long ago.  Unfortunately, my DH was more concerned with only having positive experiences with them than teaching them.  I told him I predicted they'd all have troubles in relationships if they grew up thinking they were justified in treating others with complete disdain and disrespect.  Again, guilt won.  Now, my DH is not too pleased with their behavior.   They constantly do things that remind him of the opportunities he passed on to teach them.  Although 2 of his daughters have learned to act civil to my face, all three are stuck in "survival mode".   When someone can't think of others, it makes having any sort of relationship difficult and usually short-lived. 

Disney Dads do their children no favors.  Stepfamilies are far too complicated for the majority of individuals to deal with successfully.  Therapy should be mandated for all.   

And for stepmothers, how easy it is for us to be demonized!!  Wow, I was a she-devil the minute I got married, literally.  We had our wedding out of state.  DH didn't want to complicate HIS normal summer visit with the kids, whom he flew to the states for 6 weeks in the summer (along with their mother), with our wedding.  They went back home in August.  We got married in October.  Found out later, they all despised ME for not inviting them to be IN MY wedding.   This was apparently a HUGE factor in the uprising of their hate campaign for me.   It was DH's decision, as part of his mission to shield his young children from the acceptance that he was getting remarried (all 3 children hung on to the hope that he'd get back with their mother for many years after their 2nd divorce).   Of course, their mother comforted her babies from that mean and nasty witch who just stole their daddy.  See?  A little open communication with a professional could have quieted some of that building hate.

Never really good for children to learn (or be taught) to hate.   Better to have dialogue, under professional guidance.

Wow, so long.  Sorry!

[ksmarks]

for legal information and other resources check out the link below:

http://www.law.cornell.edu/ (http://www.law.cornell.edu/)

Good Luck

K

[ninashkas]

i am 27 now. my parents devorced when i was 9. she left never called back again. i grew up not knowing my mom, till i decided to find her after 18 years. it was last spring that Ifinaly find the courage in me to start looking for my mom, i found her through internet and set a date on mothers day-to meet her after 18 years. she was so nice at the beginning.

But suddenly she changed and the reason was i decide not to tell my dad about her...
I'm not bringing the reasons why i didnt choose not to tell my dad. but My mom really pushed me to tell him, and when she realized that i might not tell my dad she put me down.
She didnt tell anyone about me either! her parents didnt know that i have contacted her nor her boyfriend. finally She told me that she doesnt want me in her life because the relationship with her daughter in law might be broken because of me,She was disappeared again.

First i accepted this, came back to my life, trying to forget about her.
On the other hand i have financial problems in my life. i am both studying and working. takingloans for school. And really have  hard time money wise. 

So after 2 months not hearing from her i decided to email her and ask money. she was never there for me emotionally, at least she could help me financially. Again she put me down. She replied: i'm not responsible for any financial or emotional difficulties you may be having. You can turn to your father for that.

When i put the puzzle together i realize that she only wanted to get revenge from my dad by pushing me to tell him but me myself never meant anything for her.

So my questions are: is a mother allow to do this? Am i really asking to much from her?Is she responsible for me or not? What the law says about this?

[MomofTwo]

ninashkas-
I am sorry for what you have faced.  You may want to consider counseling to help you work through the feelings you may have.  Legally, and especially since you are an adult, your "mother" is in no way responsible for you emotionally and more specfically, financially.   You may want to start your own post to get responses to help you. 

[gemini3]

ninashkas - you may want to start another post to get a better response.

That being said, I was very touched by your post.  I had a similar experience growing up.  After my parents divorced, my father left and we didn't see or hear from him for ten years.  So I can understand how you feel, and why you would want to have your mother in your life.  I understand how hurtful her behavior must be for you.  When I was a teenager I had a lot of problems - running away from home, drugs, etc.  I dropped out of high school in the 9th grade and left home for good when I was 15.  All of this was because I was so hurt and angry about not having my father in my life. 

When I was 20 I decided to go to community college but in order to apply for financial aid I had to claim my father's income since he had joint legal custody of me.  He was a pilot in the Air Force so, needless to say, his income disqualified me for any sort of financial aid... even though I didn't even know where he was living at the time.  (The financial aid office requests the info from the IRS.)  That just compounded my hurt and anger, because his absence was keeping me from bettering my life.

I am much older now, and I spent many years in counseling working through these issues.  One thing I learned is that every person goes through life at their own pace.  They have their own "learning curve", so to speak.  Some people learn much faster than others, and others never learn.  Your mother may be one of those people, and there is nothing you can do about it.  But know this - her actions say nothing about who you are, or your worth.  They say everything about who she is.  She is not able to be a mother to you because of her shortcomings, not yours.  It can be helpful to remember this in your dealings with her, and in looking at her actions - such as not telling anyone about you.  I imagine it isn't because she's ashamed of you.  I imagine it's because she's ashamed of herself, and what other people will think of her if they know she abandoned her daughter.

As far as whether or not she can do what she's done.  The answer is yes, she can.  You're legally an adult now, so neither of your parents are legally obligated to provide for you.  Even if you weren't an adult, parents aren't required to put their children through college.  I know it doesn't seem fair, and it's not.  She should have been there for you when you were a little girl and needed her.  But you're not a little girl anymore, and you don't have to count on people who won't be there for you.  You can make it, even though it will be a struggle.  When you get your degree you will be so proud of yourself for doing it on your own!  And, since I know you're really angry at your mom right now... living well is the best revenge.

Best of luck to you.