Ex husband attempting to obtain full custody of 14 yo son (& he wants to go!)

[AKmom]

Hi. Things have recently gotten ugly with my ex husband and I need advice re: our two sons ages 14 & 16

My ex and I divorced about 6 years ago and agreed to an unusual custody agreement (with the courts approval). He was active duty military at the time and we were living on base. Both children were attending base schools. Because I wanted them to continue to attend school on base my ex needed primary custody of one child to qualify for base housing/schooling. Because I had been a SAHM with no real job skills I needed primary custody of one child to qualify for govt assist housing while I learned a job skill. It was agreed that while we would each have primary custody of one child BOTH children would (1) spend nights with me (2) I would drop them off at father's house in the AM on base so they could walk to school (3)children would walk to dad's house after school, have dinner and then be returned to mom's house. These qualifying factors are clearly laid out in the paperwork approved by the child investigators office & AK court system.

About 3 months after I left base housing my ex husband promptly moved off base to live with our ex neighbor who he is now married to. While I can't prove it and never even thought of bringing it up in court (too embarrassed) I think it's obvious why I divorced him.

Anyway, over the last 6 years I have remarried also. We have bought a home, found a wonderful church, I'm again a SAHM (attempting to start a home business) and the kids have gradually begun spending more and more time in our home. Because my ex & his wife moved about 30 minutes away he is no longer in our school district and the kids come straight home now. Ex sees them maybe twice a week and then every other weekend.

Our 16 yo son (who ex has primary custody of) has adjusted well and is happy with the situation as it is. However, our 14 yo son (my custody) never quite got over the divorce. He has struggled with school ever since, is angry and very disrepectful towards me. He likes to taunt me by telling me that his dad and step mom refer to me as "the cow", if I can't find something he claims the step mom has it and loves it. I've talked to my ex about this and he professes total innocence and says our son is an angel at his house.

Over the years our son's grades have gotten so bad he almost failed this past year. I told him if he didn't bring his grades up he was being homeschooled. I think this is where the crap hit the fan. The 16 yo is thrilled because Alaska pays for children to be homeschooled even if the child wants to attend college. Pretty amazing stuff. I thought this would be perfect for the 14 yo because he could attend smaller classes, with a licensed teacher, and get more one on one help. He freaked. He wants to hang out with his skater friends and continue to fail. I refuse to let this happen. I have made sure he is active in church (which he likes), I have almost 2 years worth of e-mails between his teachers and I, and his therapist has diagnosed him with ADHD (inattentive type) with adjustment disorder. We have some serious issues that I have been dealing with.....with little to NO help from his dad.

So now I'm the bad guy. Once our son realized I was serious about homeschooling he wouldn't speak to me. He was grounded at my house until the final report card came in that he had even passed school (he did but only because one of his teachers let him do extra credit on the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL or he was failing). Both kids spent that weekend with their dad and came home VERY happy. Normal for our older son who is naturally happy but odd for the 14 year old. He cruised in the house with a smile on his face and a big bag of candy. Turns out he and dad had a GREAT weekend. Dad bought him candy, took him bowling and they went to the movies! what fun! Rewarded for possibly failing! So...a few days go by and I'm served with court papers. The ex wants primary custody of BOTH children and has included a note written by my 14 yo saying that he wants to live with dad because I yell and BEAT HIM. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It's complete crap but I don't know what to do. I asked both boys what was going on and the 16 asked to be left out of it. I went to bed and cried for 2 days (after sending the kids off to bible camp).

I have responded to the ex's motion with glowing letters from our bishop, our son's teacher stating that she had never seen a better or more involved parent and his therapist stating he absolutely disagreed with any change in custody. I have receipts from the past two years showing where my husband and I have provided ALL insurance, paid for all medical visits/glasses/dentists. Almost 100 e-mails between teachers and I checking on the kid's schoolwork. I also have e-mails between my ex and I where it's clear I keep him informed on happenings with the kids while in our home.


My question is....after all this what are the chances my ex will gain custody? He's their buddy...not a dad.
(sorry about being so long winded)

[ksmarks]

Is your ex local?  Has he been involved with the  boys activities?

It is hard not to be long winded when there is some much baggage and "crap" and involved.  I have been there!

I really don't know what his chances are, the 14 your old might be able to decide, depends on your local statutes and case law.  Usually there has to  be a change in circumstances to change a custody determination.

Good Luck! And Know that most kids go through this especially if the other parent is open to this...My Oldest son wanted to stop coming to my house when he was about 16, his father told him no-way, he needed to see mom as well, plus we were not spliting up the kids.

Believe it or not kids do grow up and realize how much we love them, so don't  worry too much about being the bad guy.  I would look into summer school or tutoring for the 14 year old if he struggles so much in school, a suumers worth of ono on one lessons go a long way in build confidence and knowledge base= success.

Best wishes! K

[AKmom]

The ex is somewhat local (lives in the next town over but works in my town). He was kicked out of the air force about a year ago (for failing to progress in rank) but he still works on the same base.
Also, I have had him tutored three times a week all school year. He doodles. The therapist says this is because of the ADHD and has recently started him on Concerta for the "focus problem" and Wellbutrin for the anger issues.
Thanks for responding. It's nice to just be heard.

[AKmom]

Oh, I forgot to add if he's been "involved". Depends. He's attended some of the oldest son's music performances if it's right after work and he can swing by on his way home. I've got more than one e-mail from me reminding him to attend a science fair or asking for help with buying glasses only to receive an e-mail back a few days later telling me that he needs at least 30 days notice for monetary help with the kids and I should have called about the science fair.

[ksmarks]

I know what you mean, when my husband was going though his "crap" I was just crazy overwhelmed with needing to understand and try to assist; as well as vent!


The meds should assist with the focus issues, and depending on how long he has been on it, summer might just be the time to try the tutors again.  We had little sucess with school year tutors, too much information coming in from too many directions.

We hired a summer tutor the last year we used tutors to come to our camp, she worked with both of my boys and when she was fisnished (8 weeks) they were both ready to go, and progressd through college, and even post  BA programs.

Anger and frustration is pretty common with ADHD, there was a great vido put out by PBS called "FAT CITY, Frustration, Anxiety & Tension," that really put it all in prespective for us.   My boys also developed a personal fitness regimen that assisted them is maintaining during the school day.  They both still workout  and they are 27 & 23.

Good Luck!

[ksmarks]

Keep  track of his involvement as well as your attempts to engage him in the boys life.  For now short of what you are doing there isn't really a lot more you can do, is there?

Again, Best  wishes!  & Chin up, this too shall pass...

[AKmom]

Thanks for the encouragement. I'm just hoping that my unwillingness to delete any *ex or kid related* e-mail will pay off. I seriously have 15 pages of e-mails.

[ksmarks]

A word of advice, only look through it all when you really need to, like when you are answering his petitions...

Keep the Faith!

K

[AKmom]

Another Question:

Ex filed his motion and I was allowed 13 days from the date it was mailed to turn in my response. I did. He had 8 days to respond to my response. He did. Does anyone know what typically happens next and how long it takes? It's been a week now and I haven't heard anything from the court.

[ksmarks]

No clue here, do you have  law school near by? they often have web pages on-line and you can get information from, if not try your state's unfified court  site. 

As a last resort I would call the clerks office where you had to file your answer and ask what is next?

Don't you have an attorney?

K

[AKmom]

No clue here, do you have  law school near by? they often have web pages on-line and you can get information from, if not try your state's unfified court  site. 

As a last resort I would call the clerks office where you had to file your answer and ask what is next?

Don't you have an attorney?

K

I've looked around online at the anchorage court system and can't figure it out. We've been speaking with the lawyers on base (my husband is active duty military) and they've been advising us on how to fill out the paperwork and what to say. They seem to think we'd be wasting our money on an atty at this point because they think it's a slam dunk on our side. We'll see. I didn't even think to call them and ask. We're actually pretty fortunate because the JAG office on base is usually pretty packed but they've been sitting around twiddling their thumbs lately just waiting for people to come in. 

[ksmarks]

Ask the JAG office, looked you have no law schools. locally.   If not call the court.

[ocean]

Here is takes about 3 weeks to get a court date...depends on how busy they are..summers a little longer if judges take their vacations...

[AKmom]

Thanks for the info. I'll check in with JAG tomorrow. I was wondering if it was going to be 3 weeks or 3 months before I heard anything.

[MixedBag]

Each state is different, and heck, each COUNTY is different within the state.

JAG is advising you?  Careful -- they're not smart necessarily on Alaska State Laws.  (retired military here).  JAG officers have finished law school, and passed a bar exam, but not necessarily in the state that they get stationed in.

I suggest you find a copy of the code on-line and book mark it.

Then you gotta find the Family Court Procedural Rules.

And call the county clerk's office -- THEY can give you an idea as to how long this all might take from step to step, but they can't ADVISE you as to what to do.

[AKmom]

Ugh. I should know better than to try and find out anything on a Friday. Everybody was already gone for the day or on vacation. "Try again on Monday".

Another question:

The same Friday my ex filed his motion for a change in custody he also filed a request for a 20 day PO claiming child abuse. Judge said there was nothing to prove this because A) it's a lie and B) the police apparantly did a drive by and saw us outside with the kids doing yard work and being a boring happy family. A court date was set to decide whether to dismiss or put a PO in for 1 year. Last Monday my husband and I showed up for court with papers from TONS of character witnesses all set to go but my ex NEVER SHOWED UP. Judge dismissed because of this.

My question is...does this look good for me/bad for him that he cried "child abuse" but didn't take it seriously enough to show up?

[ocean]

If he didnt show up and it was dismissed then why is there another court date about it. Is the PO still in effect?

[MixedBag]

I agree -- double check about the second court date and that it was truly dismissed.

Again, I say go back to your state's code because in some states it specifically talk about how calling CPS or claiming child abuse numerous times and if they are found to be false, that it won't sit well with the courts.  (numerous false allegations are the words that just wouldn't come to me a minute ago.)

[AKmom]

If he didnt show up and it was dismissed then why is there another court date about it. Is the PO still in effect?

There never was a PO. He asked for an emergency PO for 20 days which was denied after the police did a drive by and found out he was lying. He claimed we were beating the children and they were hiding in their closets. We were actualy outside pulling weeds. Not fun but hardly child abuse. The court set a date for an official PO hearing so that they could hear both sides 2 weeks after this and THAT is the one the ex didn't even bother showing up for. The judge dismissed the whole claim because of it. NOW we're just waiting for the court to set a date for the custody hearing.

This whole thing just stinks. We're just trying to hide all the paperwork from the kids and pretend like it's a normal summer.

I forgot to add that I have the paperwork from the PO hearing that says "dismissed because filing party did not attend".