Welcome to SPARC Forums. Please login or sign up.

Mar 28, 2024, 02:51:59 AM

Login with username, password and session length

Fair custody proposal?

Started by CuriousMom, Oct 21, 2009, 12:36:18 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

CuriousMom

Sorry this is so long – have a custody trial scheduled within the next week, just waiting for confirmation of the actual date.  So far, schedule has been decided by either a conciliator or the judge.  Last conference with judge resulted in dad's 2nd insistence on a trial – so judge is giving him one.  In the interim, I received 1 "non-negotiable offer."  The one prior to this offer came with the same letter that went to the judge requesting a 2nd pre-trial conference.

A little background – father has been laid off/collecting unemployment since 10/26/09, however running at least one business under the table, disclosed a 2nd self-employment venture at the last conference (judge didn't know about 1st business).  Please note, money is not my issue or drive – and yes, I do receive CS that is spent for the child.  My lifestyle has not changed due to this extra money.  He also has never participated in anything pre-birth things or basically after and up to this point.
2nd to last offer/demand (came with letter to judge) – he's going to ask that he provide daycare 5 days a week, keep EOWknd, plus wants 2 overnights a week.  Last offer/demand changed to 2 overnights a week, 2 days a week he provides day care (same day as overnight), keeps his EOWknd but on that Friday he can pick our son whenever he feels like it.
His ultimate goal is to eliminate CS and show he has more time on paper – basically he's one of those people that are just out to "win" regardless of what it pertains to (he's a quantity guy, not a quality guy).  Morals, honesty and responsibility aren't his strong points.  Sorry – had to vent for a sec on that one J.
He currently has EOWknd, 1 week he has M/W from 8-5pm (falls on same week as his weekend) and the opposite week he has M/W 4-7pm.
My offer is as such – and asking everyone's input on the fairness of my proposal.  He retains M/W 8-5pm every week, retains EOWknd with current pick-up/drop-off times. Current holiday's etc. remain the same.  No longer week on week off in summer, but each parent reserves the right to 1 week uninterrupted vacation during the summer, i.e.sometime during the months of June – August.  This week cannot infringe on the other parents holiday.  This week has to be disclosed to the other parent by March 31 (or something like that) and then the travel arrangements, etc. 2 weeks prior to departure.
Reality is, my son goes to bed by about 8pm anyway – so his 2 day visits pretty much equal to what I would have at night (meaning quality time, not quantity).  Once his arrears are paid in full, I would agree to have CS reduced to just daycare/medical expenses since this is provided by me/employer.  There is no reason that I should have less time with my son because I work outside the home – although I also have the option to work from home, but being realistic – you can't do both during the day, it's almost impossible.  I did it for 4 weeks after my maternity leave was over.  Plus – 2 home businesses....he has to work and sleep sometime.
I am the one who provides all of the medical care, he's been to 1 doctor's appointment (out of about 7 I think), the rest have infringed on his vacations (he told the judge he had just sat down for dinner so he couldn't make a few...he left out he was 5 states away) so he didn't go.  I pick up my son sick more often than not – meaning he should have seen the doctor over his weekend, or at least called the doctor.  Etc., etc.  His job stability is unstable, I have a fantastic private babysitter and my son loves it there.  I don't want to lose my sitter's and this provides a stable schedule for everyone.
Thoughts....input??

I also wanted to ask that he pay my costs this time, worst I can be told is no.

eagleeyefam

I'm guessing 10/26/09 was meant to be 10/26/08.




ocean

He will get more than one week in the summer.... You can say 3 weeks in the summer but not consecutively until a certain age.
Most orders here you give summer weeks by April 1st by certified mail.
Child support will be ordered according to the overnights he has. I would keep that to whatever that is.
Is the child in a certified child care place? (not just a friend) Then you can offer that when he pays his share he can take the tax break for what he paid on his taxes.
You have to file to let them know if you are asking for anything that is not already named ..or the judge may not listen to it at the hearing.
Good luck with the fees...judge already is saying that he has enough for trial...

CuriousMom

Yes eagle, typo there.

Ocean - I'm in PA.  The childcare credit is already factored in to his portion of childcare.  I  was willing to waive the overnight calculation into CS.  He goes to a private babysitter, not licensed which may be an issue.  They are great, actually 2 of my son's pediatrician's use the same babysitter.  Doesn't waive the "licensing" issue but it should provide an idea of their character.  Plus their cost is 1/2 of what would be charged at a licensed daycare.

What do you mean by file to let them know anything that is not already named?

redbabyblue70

Curious- I believe what she means is if you do not have it in writing (court documentation) to be presented at the hearing, the judge may not listen to your issue(s).

Personally, I do not think you are being unreasonable at this point. I totally agree with you, he is trying to make sure he has more overnights then you do so it eliminates the CS.  This is such a touchy situation.  If he was more involved, I could understand his issues as well as yours.  But, from everything you have said, he is not that involved with his son's life, he just doesn't like to lose.

Back to my favorite saying, what goes around, comes around.  Hope it went well.

CuriousMom

Makes sense now.  My attorney actually asked me the same thing a few weeks ago, but said not to list anything we haven't brought up already.

MrCustodyCoach

How about we dispense with the notion that this is simply about child support?

Consideration should be made for both parents if there are no issues of parental fitness.  Regardless of what you believe his motivations to be, you've made no argument that calls into question his ability to parent. 

It's hard for someone to get "involved in their son's life" when the mother is working so hard to prevent that from happening.

Now, I'm not saying either side does or doesn't have any unusual motivations for it.  However, arguments over hidden income, what he did or didn't do "pre-birth," and how you feel about him aren't germane to the issue.

All that said, I see a lot of talk about child support being the mitigating factor for a father's wishes for custody... and last I checked, they're two separate issues.

Having more custody time with the child means more expenses incurred for having said custody.  The argument that any father is only doing it to get out of child support is disingenuous at best, and at worst - is an admission that whatever the child support is set at is unreasonably high.

You can't argue one side of the equation without the other.  Don't you think that if he was here posting at SPARC he would be arguing that the only reason you won't relinquish custody is to keep your child support figure high?

Think about that for a while.
Mr. Custody Coach - Win Child Custody "Better Prepared, Better Outcome"

*The opinions in this post are solely my own and do not represent the only way to address any particular issue.

CuriousMom

MrCustody -

Yes I have made arguement regarding his parenting abilities and directly to the judge - neglecting to feed a child (an infant at that) and seek medical attention when needed absolutely reflects his parenting abilities, does it not?

And he has NEVER been denied visitation or involvement, however HE choses not to participate.  Being that I've never asked the man for a penny, is CS an issue or is that what most men automatically assume?

I've said in previous posts in here, no child should be a paycheck and I think that was loud in clear in what I proposed.  I don't live off his CS.


MrCustodyCoach

Well be warned, proving what you claim here in the forums will likely be difficult.  And when you make your compelling case that he shouldn't be granted more custody time.

How would you propose to the judge that you know he didn't feed an infant?  How often?  Was the child malnourished?  Did he just take longer than you expected?

What medical attention was "absolutely necessary" and when?

Keep in mind, I'm playing the other side here - these are arguments you can expect in court.  You simply making claims isn't going to get it done, though you do have a decided advantage with custody and being the mother.
Mr. Custody Coach - Win Child Custody "Better Prepared, Better Outcome"

*The opinions in this post are solely my own and do not represent the only way to address any particular issue.

CuriousMom

#9
He was court ordered to video tape feedings to back up his case and he has chosen not to 99% of the time.  Medical records and his parenting time reflect that my son should have had medical care during his time, and has not.   

If he can't parent an infant, then simply say so.  Maybe toddler years and up are more his speed, but while he's doing this - my son is the one who suffers and I will continue to defend him until he's old enough to communicate independently.