Ex gf will not let me have unsupervised visits with my son

[DDS]

My situation...
My ex and I have NEVER lived together. She always refused to move in with me. My son is only four months old. I have tried being with her but she is the most miserable person I know. I told her last night I want to take my son overnight back to my place (we just recently broke up) and she told me you can't take him because I can't be without him. Lawyer up is what she told me (which I plan to do). Is there anything legally that I can do in the meantime to get my son to be allowed to come with me? I won't be that dad who just says F you I'm taking him, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of...
Thanks

[ocean]

File in court for joint custody and visitation (you may have to prove paternity, did you sign a paper in the hospital? not the birth certificate but the paternity paper?)
You can file in family court yourself...read this site...lots to learn about the system and how you can improve your odds.
Once you have an order then she cant tell you when you can have child. The faster you file, the quicker you will get to see him.

[DDS]

Thanks, I'm looking but do you have alink to show where I can file in family court?

[janM]

You will file at the courthouse in the county mom lives in. They may have forms online, but you'll have to physically file the papers.

At this point mom is the only one with rights to the child. Once you have yours established, she'll have to abide by the court orders. There may be standard parenting times for her county which may limit your time with a newborn (short, frequent visits are best), but it will increase in time.

[MixedBag]

actually you can mail them to the courthouse too......but if you're any where CLOSE, I'd go file them personally.

And until the court says "unsupervised" -- let Mom tag along.....and in court tell the stories about just how well (or not) the time has been going until now with her tagging along....

[DDS]

You will file at the courthouse in the county mom lives in. They may have forms online, but you'll have to physically file the papers.

At this point mom is the only one with rights to the child. Once you have yours established, she'll have to abide by the court orders. There may be standard parenting times for her county which may limit your time with a newborn (short, frequent visits are best), but it will increase in time.

Are you saying from a legal standpoint only she has rights right now?

[ocean]

Yes..until you get the court to recognize you as the father. You should ask for equal rights which is Joint custody....

[DDS]

She is now changing our plans for xmas. She was supposed to bring him down on friday. She called today and says she no longer feels safe with me because of my past DV arrests (i was arrested in 2002 for fighting back against my ex's bf that she had been cheating on me with. it was expunged.)
I'm keeping a journal on what she does and said, but it was clear today by her emails that she is going into straight lawyer mode and is attempting to get me to make a mistake which will give her FULL custody. She is emailing me saying that I have been unstable and she fears for our sons safety because i am off my meds. (let me clarify, i have never threatened her, struck her and rarely raised my voice). tomorrow I'm getting the paternity paperwork and trying to file my paperwork in court tomorrow if possible.

[DDS]

Do the following things help my case at all?
1) the mother is a slob. Last time I visited, there was garbage and dirty diapers all over the place. I took pictures.
2) the mother has not worked in 15 months. She lives with her family who also do not work. Her father has not brought in a paycheck in 8 years. Her mother is on disability.
3) the house she is keeping him in is in disrepair. There are holes in teh wall, wires hanging from light fixtures, floor is never swept and there are building materials all over the floor just outside the room he lives in.

[MomofTwo]

1)  No
2)  No
3)  No

None of that affects custody.  What matters is who is the child's primary care giver? Who has been taking care of and providing for the child?  Until paternity is proven and the courts give you access rights, she has full custody and can make determinations regarding the child.  Are you off meds you should be on?

Courts are closed tomorrow, it's Christmas.

[CuriousMom]

DDS -

When our first temporary order was established it contained a clause that both parents had the right to request a home inspection of the other parents home.  It had to be requested within X-days and paid for by the person requesting it.   Not sure if that's standard in other states or not, or how much a judge really relies on the information.  Neither of us did one, so I can't speak from experience. 

[DDS]

1)  No
2)  No
3)  No

None of that affects custody.  What matters is who is the child's primary care giver? Who has been taking care of and providing for the child?  Until paternity is proven and the courts give you access rights, she has full custody and can make determinations regarding the child.  Are you off meds you should be on?

Courts are closed tomorrow, it's Christmas.

I was on anti depressants... My prescriptions were done in June I believe.. I still had some left and took them through July. However, I ran out and have felt great. She is mistaking my unhappiness with her, for depression.

[DDS]

Ok, so I'm going to file for joint custody and visitation next week. We're trying to keep this out of the courts, but if she says screw it and decides to court, can she feasibly keep him from me? I guess what i'm asking, is there anything she can do to prevent unsupervised visits?

[ocean]

Probably not but she can keep him from you during the court process which sometimes take months, especially if it goes to a trial.

[DDS]

Probably not but she can keep him from you during the court process which sometimes take months, especially if it goes to a trial.

jesus...
That seems ridiculously unfair... can she out and out NOT let me see him during that time? Like she can suddenly say NO you can't see your son AT ALL?

[ocean]

Pretty much...until you have court orders you cant enforce. My dh waited over a year for the judge to order anything. Family court take forever. You will have hearings first (which basically is "do you guys agree yet...no...go in hall and work it out...". After a few of those you go to a trial. Each one of these may have weeks in between them.

[shooter]

aren't you supposed to have temp visits till things are finalized

[CuriousMom]

We had a temp order that started the same day as the conciliation.  The temp order first ordered us to a mediator and if we couldn't work it out then it went to a pre-trial conference in front of the judge.  The judge decided at that time if there was a need for a trial, keep the temp order or modify it somehow.

Ours lasted from 3/31/09 conciliation thru 12/2/09 trial and he's already filed for a modification already because he isn't happy with the trial outcome.  Takes a long time.

Wouldn't be in the best interest of the children for her to do that even though she can - can't imagine a judge would think highly of it either.

[ocean]

Sometimes you see temp orders during a divorce but when you just go in for the first time....IDK. When you file, PUT in those papers somewhere..."father requests temp orders in order to keep the child/father relationship" or something like that. You may get it, my concern is that she is saying it should be supervised and a judge may want to hear all the facts first before giving any orders.

[DDS]

let me make sure I understand what everyone is saying. I may/should be able to get temp unsupervised visits from the get go when I file? or am i missing something?

[phil]

If (once paternity is proven) you file for visitation and her contention is you should not have visitation unless it is supervised, the judge "could" give you temp orders, however, it is unlikely you would get unsupervised visitation.  It is more likely you would get a few hours supervised visitation until all evaluations and hearings are completed, then that would remain the court orders with incremental increased in hours or you would then be granted unsupervised visitation.    It wholly depends on what her allegations are and what she fights for and your judge.

[CuriousMom]

DDS -

My son's father was given unsupervised visits the same day of the hearing, he was 3 1/2 months old at the time.  The temp order was a step-up plan over several months.  We never lived together, I had left him before I found out I was pregnant. 

I had requested supervised for awhile because he had absolutely no experience with infants or children and my son had some special needs.  The only supervision that happened was the on the 1st visit he was to spend time at my home learning the basics and if there was time left during the visitation hours they were his to with what he wished.

From other posts sounds like unsupervised is more of the norm until you get further hearings.

[DDS]

DDS -

My son's father was given unsupervised visits the same day of the hearing, he was 3 1/2 months old at the time.  The temp order was a step-up plan over several months.  We never lived together, I had left him before I found out I was pregnant. 

I had requested supervised for awhile because he had absolutely no experience with infants or children and my son had some special needs.  The only supervision that happened was the on the 1st visit he was to spend time at my home learning the basics and if there was time left during the visitation hours they were his to with what he wished.

From other posts sounds like unsupervised is more of the norm until you get further hearings.

From what I've heard, it sounds like I file and then she has one month to answer. At that time we do a hearing... does that sound pretty standard?

[CuriousMom]

Depends on where you live, they all seem to vary.  He filed and in about 4 days our hearing was scheduled.  We were notified of our trial about 2 days prior (but it was pushed out every month for about 3 months because the courts were too busy).

[DDS]

now will i get unsupervised visits after filing the paperwork, or at the hearing?

[Kitty C.]

No, you will get whatever the judge at the hearing decides you should have.  If the BM cannot convince the judge as to why you should have supervised visitation, only then will you get unsupervised.  One thing to keep in mind with temp. orders....keep them long enough and they will become permanent, so fight HARD for as much as you can possibly get at the temp. hearing.  If the judge is generous, then delay the permanent hearing for as long as possible.

[DDS]

No, you will get whatever the judge at the hearing decides you should have.  If the BM cannot convince the judge as to why you should have supervised visitation, only then will you get unsupervised.  One thing to keep in mind with temp. orders....keep them long enough and they will become permanent, so fight HARD for as much as you can possibly get at the temp. hearing.  If the judge is generous, then delay the permanent hearing for as long as possible.

Good advice.. thank you.