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Excessive(?) phone calls during visits

Started by jgaff78, Dec 29, 2009, 06:37:19 AM

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jgaff78

I was just wondering what most parents would consider to be excessive phone calls from the CP during visits with the NCP. We are in a long-distance situation so my SD (she's 8 now) only comes to see us 4 times a year (during the major breaks from school). BM insists on calling nearly every day when she is with us. These phone calls can sometimes last for a half hour to an hour at a time.

This Christmas, SD came with a prepaid cell phone with 120 minutes on it. Since Dec. 19 she has used up the entire 120 minutes plus used some time on her dad's cell phone when she couldn't get reception on her phone while we were at my parent's house for 3 days. BM calls almost daily and has other people she knows call often as well. We don't mind having her keep in touch with friends and family from home while she is with us, but it seems excessive and intrusive on our limited time with her. If SD was asking to call BM that often, we wouldn't interfere. But these phone calls are not SD's idea, it's BM's way of checking up on her and butting into our time with her. BM seems to feel like SD will forget her if she does not speak to her every day she is gone.

I know we are not allowed to interfere with SD's communication with BM, but is there a way to get BM to see that she is intruding on our time with SD? We have jokingly said that we would wait until SD is back home with BM and call her every day so BM might see things from our perspective. But we don't really want to be that petty and we don't feel that it is fair to SD to intrude on her life in that way. We feel she should be able to live a normal life without our constant interference, unfortunately BM does not feel the same way. If we can't get BM to see how intrusive she is being and agree to call less often in the future, is there any way to get it written into a visitation order that phone calls be limited? Are we over-reacting or would frequent calls truly be considered intrusive on our parenting time?

ocean

You can set up times she calls her mother. Since it is long distance, once a day for a few minutes is okay. Come up with a time you feel is good. Every morning? so then you can say, let's go, we are leaving....or every night and then say..okay..time to brush your teeth. Then leave phone off or mute and have voicemail answer it. Put it in kitchen so it doesnt interfere. Tell her she can always call her mother if she needs to. Then enjoy your time with her.
Since she used her minutes...that is it, now she calls mom only once a day. No more friends...she is 8 not 16....

jgaff78

These are not friends of my SD that are calling, they are friends of BM. She has her roommates call or "Aunt" so-and-so. There have only been two family members of BM's who have called. The rest of the calls are from people BM knows.

SD was instructed by BM not to turn the phone off the entire time she was here, not even at night. When we were at my parents' home for 3 days over Christmas, there was no reception for the phone and it automatically went to emergency call only status. BM called and left a voice-mail message telling us off for turning off her phone. So we had to explain that the phone was not off and that she wouldn't be able to use the phone while we were there. We allowed her to use our phones to call on Christmas day and still got phone calls several times a day from BM until we returned home and SD could use her phone again.

The other reason it bothers us that she calls so often is that SD regresses about 3-4 years every time she speaks to BM. She starts talking in babytalk and acting more helpless. She just acts as if she is 3-4 years younger than she actually is when she talks to BM. It's already difficult for us to get her to act her age and be more independent when she is with us, it makes it even harder when BM is reinforcing the immaturity on a daily basis.

ocean

Your house, Your rules... Period.
Have a family meeting and say at your moms house you have rules, at school you have rules, and dads house you have rules and they are all different. Different bedtimes, what you eat, and phone rules. In our house the phones go in the kitchen and when you want to  make a call you go and get the phone. I called mom and told her you will call one time a day to say good morning. Then we put the phone back into the kitchen. It doesnt have to go to the store or family house becuase you talked to mom already and if their is an emergency she can call our phones. (YOU dont answer yours and let it go to voicemail)

Your Dh has to call the mother and tell her the child will call her each day at XX time to say good morning or night. Period, the end. If you have email or can text the mother, do that so she doesnt just yell. Simple..."The phone you send does not always work in our area, child can call you whenever she chooses and I will make sure she calls at XX each day.". Phone goes in kitchen and she can rant and yell as much as she wants to th e voicemail.....dont pick up. She wants the control in your house....Wonder what would happen if the phone got accidently wet??? LOL

snowrose

I agree that the calling seems excessive.  As to the cell phone, your house - your rules.  BM cannot dictate your households rules as to cell phone or any telephone usage, and as long as you don't cut SD off in the extreme she really can't say a thing.

What is the call schedule like when SD is at BM's?  How often does DH speak to SD?  Why not mirror that schedule.  It's not like BM can tell you that the schedule she keeps your DH to can be wrong.  ;)

If you have email conversations with BM, I would communicate your new rules to BM using that.  That way you have a papertrail of what you're doing.

Ocean posted while I was posting.  Just wanted to add her post is very reasonable.  Maybe you could combine what she's said and what I've said.

Kitty C.

One thing I would do first, before implementing any cell phone plan.......if at all possible, get a print-out of all the calls, especially for this past holiday season while your SD was with you.  Calls from BM and 'friends' and calls to her.  Get the documentation in hand.  Because if the BM wants to be that anal about it, you can just bet she will pitch a fit and file in court because (in her mind) YOU prevented communication between SD and her.

If you can't get the call records because the cell acct. is in BM's name, have it subpoenaed if the case gets to court.  I would not be surprised if the BM drops the case when that happens, because she'll know it will expose her.

So when she wants to drag this petty issue through court, you have documentation in hand of how excessive her calling was and can also hand over YOUR rules of the house regarding calls and reasons for implementing the rules.  Then watch BM backpedal and stutter when the judge asks her why she was calling so excessively.  Once that happens, demand that BM be ordered to pay ALL court costs and atty. fees, for dragging you and everyone else into court over her frivolous motion.

Basically, stand your ground........YOUR house, YOUR rules..........
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

MomofTwo

What do the orders say about phone communication?  While everyone can agree it may be excessive, none of that matters if the orders give her telephone time each day for up to an hour.  It all really depends on the court orders.

MissDesire

My Fiance's ex wife insist on calling the children at least daily. They are 3 and 5 and she gets angry if they don't want to talk, claiming that my fiance is poisoning them against her and all this nonsense. What kind of phone etiquette does she expect a 3 year old to have?

It does say in his parenting plan that if the other parent calls you have 24 hours for the child to return the call. His ex wife had them on Christmas Eve and returned them at 10:00pm that evening. She called on Christmas Day during his time with them and we let it go to voicemail and had the children call her the next day. It's best to set the rules in your house, sure she could have a phone card and instructions that she needs to her phone on at all times, but she is in YOUR house and it is YOUR time with her.

phil

If you are busy or have plans, have daughter return the call when it is more convenient.  If you aren't busy, let the child talk to her, but your house, your rules.  That being said,  Momoftwo is right though, don't ignore court orders. Make sure you comply with any orders set forth. 

Shanni

I also had this problem with BM calling the kids on a constant basis.  We set that she can call between 7 and 8 pm every evening and the kids know that this is their time if they choose to call her if she doesn't call them first.  We also allow them to call her on the big holidays during the day but that is her call for the day.  She was not happy with this rule when it was put in place but after being told by the courts our house our rules she has pretty much abided by it. Doesn't mean she likes it and every one in a while will try to get froggy and jump but I just calmly remind her what the courts said about this issue.. If she tries to call any time other than that it goes to voicemail and the kids listen to it later.. I also keep thier phone in the kitchen in the same place so if they choose to call her at 7 pm they know where the phone is.

jgaff78

The biggest problem we have is that none of the court orders are specific at all. There is nothing mentioned in any of our documents about communication (SD was only 2 1/2 when they divorced so communication was not that big of an issue). The only guidelines we are going by is the general state guidelines which say that communication cannot be interfered with between the child and either parent. So we have tried not to block any calls. I have began to stop answering my phone when she calls. I figure I have that right.

We didn't want to tell SD anything different than what her mother had told her about the phone. SD gets a bit upset thinking that she will get in trouble if she doesn't do what BM says. We try our best to avoid conflict for SD's sake.

When SD comes this summer, there will be stricter rules about phone usage. I have had it with BM and I'm tired of her upsetting our routine while SD is with us. In the past, SD has not asked to call BM often when she did not have a phone with her. So that tells me that the phone issue is more with BM than SD. BM will just have to deal with it.

As far as the contact between us and SD, we generally let her call us. It's obvious that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to us when BM is around so we don't force the issue by trying to call BM's cell phone to talk all the time (BM does not have a house phone). We tried sending a firefly cell phone with SD last year, but BM let her roommate take the power cord for it so she couldn't use it anymore. In the spring, we are getting SD a phone on our cell plan so she can call us on that phone whenever she pleases without feeling any pressure from us or BM.

ocean

If the orders dont say anything about phone calls then you cant get in trouble with the courts. SHe can try and bring you back to court but the court will tell her it is not up to her in your house and now she must call between xx and xx time.

I would be careful about sending a phone to her. She is still very young and her mother and friends will be using it. Send her things in the mail once a month, set up an email account for her in the summer, show her how to check it, and maybe as she gets older she will use it. If mom has computer, set up IM account, and you can talk live or video chat (get her the camera). Get info from school and send her great report card gift.

jgaff78

The phones we send to her are locked down so that the only incoming/outgoing phone calls are to numbers in her address book. That is how the firefly worked and BM was mad because we would not give her the number to that phone so she could call it too. If we get a phone for her on our cell plan, the phone will have parental controls on it so we can limit the usage to only numbers in the address book again. It will also have insurance on the phone so if it is conveniently lost or stolen while she is with BM, then we can get a new phone relatively cheap. The firefly phone worked very well until BM got mad about not being able to have the number and then her roommate suddenly "borrowed" the charger and they couldn't find it again so the phone was useless.

BM has internet access at home, but she does not allow SD to use it. We have set up an e-mail account for her here (she has her own computer in her room) and she will be able to e-mail family and friends this summer while she is with us. We already are in contact with the school and receive copies of report cards and other information in the mail or through e-mail from the teacher. She gets rewards for good report cards in the form of trips while she is with us. If she does well in school then she gets to go to an amusement park or to another place she has asked to go to. We have stopped sending or buying her so many material items since she has too many toys and things as it is. We feel that the experiences she has are much more of a reward than a simple toy and the memories will last a lot longer.

hatewelfare

To jgaff78,

Good grief...what are we doing to our kids??...personal phones when they are 8 years old or younger!!?? Calls every day to "check up on them". Is that excessive...no that is disturbing.

There is no reason a parent needs to call their child EVERY day during a visit with the other parent...PERIOD! It is intrusive, unnecessary, rude, disruptive and shows the lack of respect for their own child's development.

When you pick up your child simply leave the phone with the BM and tell her that if you want to talk to her call her on your phone instead. Tell BM you don't feel it is necessary for a child that young to have a phone and that is your rules at your house, period. Leave it at that.

Then let her take you to court and have her try to explain to the judge that she needs to talk to her daughter every day she is with you. Judge will laugh her out of the courthouse.

Cell phones will become a problem later as kids network and text each other without there parents knowing what is going on. 8 years old and BM is already engraving into her child that she NEEDS a cell phone to survive day to day life. Is that were your CS $'s should go? To a cell phone for your child that your ex is using to "spy" into your lives and home??

These are petty little things that get throw up into big deals and court hearing that waste time and make your lawyer richer. LEAVE THAT PHONE AT BM'S HOUSE!!

jgaff78

Unfortunately it is necessary for a child in this situation to have a cell phone. While we would allow SD to use our cell phones at any time she wished to call BM, we know BM would not/does not return that favor. BM tends to listen in on phone conversations and otherwise make SD feel uncomfortable while she is speaking to us so it is easier for us to send a locked cell phone to her so that she can have privacy when she wants to speak to us. Having her own cell phone allows her to make calls without having to ask BM to use the phone and she can make the calls in her room or outside when she pleases. When we sent the firefly cell phone down with her, she often went into the backyard away from BM to call us. She was much more open and talkative on the phone when BM was not nearby.

As far as BM sending a phone, I don't want to discourage it because then BM may refuse to allow our phone to be sent home with SD and that would severely limit our communication with her. The cell phone is not the problem, BM is. We will stand our ground during future visits and establish rules about communication times between BM and SD. As long as we let SD and BM know what the rules are there shouldn't be any issues. We can simply turn the phone off if BM does not follow our guidelines.

I do agree that BM calling daily is giving SD the impression that she cannot be safe and secure without BM present. We noticed several behavioral regressions in SD when she was speaking to BM on a daily basis. But once the time ran out on that phone, SD seemed more relaxed and returned to being more responsible and independent when she was not obligated to speak to BM every day. It is a bit ridiculous on BM's part since she is trying to convince us that SD should fly unaccompanied but yet she can't even let her be with us for a day without checking up on her. If SD is old enough/responsible enough to fly by herself, why is she not old enough to choose when she wishes to speak to BM?

Kitty C.

'If SD is old enough/responsible enough to fly by herself, why is she not old enough to choose when she wishes to speak to BM?'

Just curious........have you ever posed that question to the BM and what was her response?  If you haven't asked her that, the next time she brings up either issue, go for it.....it would be very interesting what she would have to say and will tell you a lot as to how either issue would play out in court.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

jgaff78

I haven't spoken to BM at all for about a week now. No text messages, e-mails, phone calls, nothing. She has been extremely rude and confrontational recently so I just stopped responding to her. I didn't even speak to her at the airport when I dropped SD off to her this past weekend. I let SD know in advance that BM and I would probably not be speaking and explained that this was a matter between the adults and had nothing to do with her. I simply told her that BM was upset the last time we spoke and I didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me. SD understands that BM can be unreasonable at times and really didn't seem surprised by the situation. She did mention on the plane that perhaps BM would apologize when she saw me, but that certainly did not happen.

Anyway, I do plan on asking BM that question in the future, Kitty. I hope the opportunity will come up since it may point out an discrepancy in BM's thinking. Maybe I will get lucky and she will change her mind on both issues . . . but I am not holding my breath.