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Author Topic: What to do  (Read 4581 times)

gemini3

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What to do
« on: Mar 03, 2011, 07:24:13 AM »
Quick background:   

BM had an affair with my husband's best friend.  He and the "friend" were both military.  When my husband found out about the affair they decided to work on things - but they continued to see each other anyway.  They moved in together while my husband was deployed, after taking out a large loan in his name to finance the move.  When my husband returned from deployment, they refused to tell him where the kids were because the friend was also military and had previously been issued a no-contact order telling him to have no contact with BM.  Since then, the "friend" had been a major factor in the custodial interference and alienation that we have dealt with.  When he moved it was greatly alleviated.

He and BM split in Nov and he moved out.  He did not speak with the kids at all since he moved, and he moved when they were at our house without even saying goodbye to them.  SD1 was really angry, but said "good riddance".  SD2 was just hurt, because she's known him since she was 2 years old.  Recently he has been coming around their mom's again, supposedly because he wants to get back together with her.  He brought the kids some expensive presents, and asked if he could spend some time with them.  Supposedly, BM is not going to get back together with him - but who knows with her.

So, last night SD1 is sitting on the couch texting away, and my husband asks who she's texting.  She replieds "(the friend)".  Apparently they've been texting each other back and forth.  My husband really lost it.  He was so upset.  He feels like that man has created nothing but hurt and hardship in his life, and it has been such a relief since he's been gone.  The last thing he wants is for this guy to have any influence over his daughters.  Plus we are wary of his motives - since he hasn't wanted anything to do with them since he left, until he wanted to get back together with BM.

Just wanted to get other people's thoughts on what to do.   


RoosterC

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Re: What to do
« Reply #1 on: Mar 03, 2011, 07:40:30 AM »
How old are these girls? If youre dealing with girls under, say, 16, I'd be very blunt and tell them you do not permit this contact, youre the parent and youre doing whats best. Your eyes are on their longterm welfare.  If the contact continues, the phone goes. The reason I mentioned 16 was because at a certain point, to save face, the child will then go to any lengths to contradict you, a behavior that peaks between 16 and 19.
Youre the parent, this fellow isnt, do whats right for your child.

gemini3

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Re: What to do
« Reply #2 on: Mar 03, 2011, 08:10:48 AM »
They're both under 16 by several years.

gemini3

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Re: What to do
« Reply #3 on: Mar 03, 2011, 09:33:17 AM »
PS... I just want to add that, if my husband puts his foot down, it's more likely that BM will permit it.  She does whatever will make the kids think that she's the nicer parent.  If they want something, and my husband says no, she always gives it to them.  I don't think it will be any different with this.
 
It sucks for the kids because I know they're the ones hurt in all of this.  Their experience of this guy was that he's really fun and plays games with them all the time, and lets them do grown-up things that their dad doesn't.  Plus, they've both known him for 8 years, and he played the father-figure roll in their lives for 1/2 of SD2's life.  I know it hurts to lose someone you were so close to.
 
We just don't trust him or his motivations, and we know that he is a bad influence on the kids and their relationship with their father.  If that wasn't the case, we wouldn't have an issue with it.  What a mess.

RoosterC

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Re: What to do
« Reply #4 on: Mar 03, 2011, 10:18:47 AM »
Quick relative story: Before Vacation, daughter (10) tells me she wants a bikini. Obviously the answer is no. mom, of course, says its ok and ought to be with me too. Long and short, tankini is the compromise; or so I thought. We get to the beachouse and I unpack us...low and behold mom has given her an Ed Hardy tattoo design string bikini. I ask daughter and she says "mom says youre wrong, and I can wear that"
I quietly put the bikini in a fed ex envelope and return to mom.
use the quiet "clint eastwood' voice to explain that if thats the case, wear it at mom's when you get back there.
Bottom Line (or at least for me): What the other parent permits or criticizes does not alter my moral compass. Im the parent, I take the time to think about whats best for the child, not what scores a point or satisfies them right now.
Same for you. This fellow has no legal standing as a parent, quite the opposite it seems. As long as you can look inside and say you make the choice for them and not your baggage, DO whats best for them. Im told they thank you for it someday in the future (though at the moment I cannot vouche for that)


ocean

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Re: What to do
« Reply #5 on: Mar 03, 2011, 03:42:45 PM »
Fine line but I agree. Your house, your rules.
13 and under- no texting/calling him while at your house.
14-18- heart to heart about the past, and that you find it very inappropriate for him to text you when he is not with their mother. They should not be put in the middle and when they are with you to please refrain from texting/talkign to him.

I would be inclined to have your DH, text ONE time to him, "please do not contact my daughters on my parenting days". Any response (especially if these kids are younger...) one more text "if this continues, I will file a restraining order on their behalf". Document any response.

Another option is just ignore for a few weeks and see if this blows over. If you talk to BM, just her straight out "XX keeps texting girls while they are here. If you two are not together this needs to stop". Does she even realize he is doing this? He may be using them to get to her?

gemini3

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Re: What to do
« Reply #6 on: Mar 03, 2011, 05:07:29 PM »
DH did text him.  He didn't send any more texts, but he called BM about it.

DH talked to BM and she said that she "didn't trust his motives", and then blamed the whole thing on the kids.  Which is her usual MO.  She said she told them that she didn't want them to talk to him, but that they begged her so she said ok.  Of course, they begged her because she allowed them to hang out on SD1's birthday weekend, and he bought them hundred's of dollars of toys and games.  He also bought BM a bunch of expensive gifts.

I'm 100% sure he's just using the kids to get to her, and that's why DH has such an issue with it.  He moved out without saying goodbye, and hasn't spoken to them in months.  Now he wants to get back together with BM and all of a sudden he wants to hang out with the kids and talk to them all the time.  I don't buy it.

BM knows what's going on, but she LOVES drama, so all this is right up her ally.  Having two men fighting over her (her STBX and the married man who just moved in with her) is like crack for her.  So she'll keep it going as long as she can.  I'm sure the reason she's giving her new boyfriend for spending time with her stbx is that "well, the kids want to, but I don't want to leave them alone with him".

I'll never cease to be amazed at all the ways she can come up with to use those kids.

RoosterC

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Re: What to do
« Reply #7 on: Mar 04, 2011, 08:00:37 AM »
If you dont mind me asking, who has primary?
I mean with the married BF living there and all...
Got an ex popped from the same mold, so my empathy goes out to you

gemini3

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Re: What to do
« Reply #8 on: Mar 04, 2011, 10:08:42 AM »
Shared physical and legal.  My husband technically has them 52% of the year, but we end up having them about 60% because of BM's work schedule.
 
The married BF living there is a change in circumstances, because she was married at the time the last CO was signed... but after a while you run out of money to put on the roulette table.  Lawyer doesn't think it's enough because kids grades are good and they aren't having any behavioral issues, etc.  That's the benchmark for the courts here. 
 
It doesn't matter that anyone with any common sense could figure out that the kids are going to need years of counseling after watching their mothers infidelity for their entire childhood.  She cheated on my husband twice.  The first time they split up for a while and then got back together.  The second time she had an affair with and then married my husband's best friend.  Then, 3 years later, they split up and she has an affair with SD's best friends dad, who is now living with him.  It's sick.  Their youngest is 10 years old!  That's been her entire childhood. 
 

fight4him

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Re: What to do
« Reply #9 on: Mar 04, 2011, 10:17:36 AM »
I was going to mention doing the threat with legal action thing as well. Is there a way DH can get the phones and block his number without the kids or BM even knowing?

 

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