Are there any other step parents out there...

[rhelle]

Never mind. Made me feel like a jerk.

[MixedBag]

of course there are!!!...hugs!

[Kitty C.]

There sure are, rhelle.  And many of us 'cross over'...........being step-moms AND bio-moms.  I consider that a distinct advantage, as it makes it easier to see both sides of the fence, so to speak.

If you have any step-parent issues, don't hesitate to post it here!

[rhelle]

I just hate feeling like a jerk when I'm angry about things, is all.

I have two children of my own. Their father and I split up over 10 years ago. While we had our obvious parenting disagreements, our issues were never placed on someone else's shoulders.  Based on my own experience, I simply have zero tolerance for what's going on in our current situation.

And, I really HATE having to pay for their stupid battles.

[Kitty C.]

I hear ya...........DS's dad and I had extreme differences (let's put it this way...if I hadn't been so young and 1800 miles away from home, I would have had him charged with assault, as he almost broke my neck).  I can't say that it was easy from the start regarding custody, but time and distance had a way of opening our eyes, healing wounds, and forgiving.  He went from trying to have me charged with child abuse (in CA and IA and it was totally unfounded) to telling me I was doing a great job as a mother!

Then I meet DH and he has a PBFH (Psycho Bitch From Hell) for an ex and I am the 'evil stepmother' until her second husband divorces her.  Then suddenly I'm okay, but she still has neurotic issues at times.  Thankfully, SS will be 18 in Feb. and graduates in a year..........after that, we'll only have to deal with her at his wedding or future graduations!  So we are counting down the DAYS! 

Hang in there, rhelle..........but ANYtime you need to vent, this is the place to come.  Here, you will have the 'ear' of people who have been where you're at and lived to tell about it....we understand what you're going through.  And sometimes you just have to get it off your chest.....better to dump here then on a loved one. 

[MixedBag]

Yea....and I'm truly a MixedBag...

A CP to my two girls, who are emancipated, but their dad still takes every opportunity to stab me, and has also told me "I'm a great mom" to our girls.

An NCP to my son....well CP for 2 years, then NCP again when he fell in "lust".....

A Step-NCP, so EX#3's pain was really understood by me as I too was an NCP to my son.

A Step-CP, as EX#3's children one by one left their mom and came to live with us....

And now he's an EX#3 though....so, back to just my kids.

HOWEVER, all three of my former steps keep in touch with me, and EX#3 did something absolutely shocking last month.....

EX#1 and I never "used the children" either in our quarrels, well in the end I find out that he badmouthed me to the girls all the time, until they told him to knock it off.  And he has to be reminded quite often.  As the CP I didn't play games -- he has no clue what that's all about.

EX#2 and Camilla are not like that....printed off what I posted here and let my son read it....then twisted my words to mean something they didn't. 

EX#3's EX was at it at the same time......printed off what I posted here and showed it to their 3 kids......

And yes, it all backfired in the end.

Many of those who help here ARE Step-moms helping out their honeys deal with the situation.....but you will find all kinds.

[rhelle]

I guess I am just angry that I have to work twice as hard to make ends meet, because she lies her face off every chance she gets. And I'm also angry that I seem to be the only one that wants to stop the madness.  My children shouldn't have to go without things they want/need so SHE and her unemployed couch potato can buy snowmobiles.  I signed on for better or worse, not for making his PBFH happy.

I feel like a jerk because I am angry at him for not having his shit together first. He doesn't have to deal with anything from my ex. Nothing. Even though my ex doesn't pay child support, my children are covered. I made sure I could take care of us a long time ago, without someone else. Now, here I am, having to take care of someone else and we're paying for it. It's just frustrating.

[ocean]

I hear ya...still paying off lawyer bills. His ex has gone bankrupt twice since I known her. All bills keep being wiped out. She has us pay half of braces and puts her half into her bankruptcy.

Is there anything he can be doing? Can he go for a downward modification if his finances changed? Is he giving extra?

Some people here have separate accounts. One for the household bills according to the percentage each one brings in. Then the rest go into your own accounts to be spent as you want. SO if he wants to spend more money on them, it comes out of HIS paychecks IF he has it. Have him write those checks to pay those bills.

It took me years to learn to not care about his ex. We now laugh at what she does...she is full of drama and a train wreck.

[rhelle]

He filed for a modification in January. We are STILL waiting for the result. In the meantime, the state is simply taking 50% of his pay. According to the State of Utah, it can take 6 to 9 months to process a modification, and she has the right to dispute the final amount, thus taking longer.

He doesn't have enough to pay household bills because of all she's done. If he didn't have me, he'd not bring home enough money to even pay rent on an efficiency apartment. That's not including bills, gasoline, and groceries. He doesn't even bring in enough to rent something. He'd be completely destitute. I absolutely WISH I was exaggerating.

He was originally ordered to pay 35% of his income in Texas. We moved, he took a large cut in pay, he filed for the modification in Texas. At the same time, she filed the second order for child support in Utah, without stopping the order in Texas. She waited 60 days before she stopped the order in Texas, even though the State of Utah TOLD her she had to do it, ASAP. After she did all of that, THEN she filed for the change of jurisdiction.

During all of this, and the nasty emails she sends about getting her child support, she got a LARGE distribution from his retirement plan. In total, she only actually went 4 weeks without child support, and then received thousands of dollars in retirement.

In short, I'm the only one who makes enough money to pay our bills and we're struggling. A LOT. We can't really afford for him to get his children, to be honest. And if we could, we'd have to pay for daycare, as their divorce decree states they cannot stay alone. On top of that, SHE has to approve our daycare choice before the kids can even go.

It's a complete clusterf***.

[ocean]

Ugg...

How old are the kids?
Can you set up skype on the computer and have video visits for now? Are they old enough to have email or facebook?
If the mother will not do it, you can ask for modification so that on certain days at a certain time, she is to have the kids go on computer for visit. You can do the same for phone calls. Her idiot emails, IGNORE and laugh it off as she has nothing better to do then try to piss you guys off. Answer very short and to the point ONLY IF she really needs an answer. The rest IGNORE.


Wow, the modifications take a long time there! Did you go to court or through the state for modification? You should be able to file in family court and get a result in a few weeks (at least here).

[rhelle]

The kids range in age from 7-13. Per the divorce decree, they are supposed to have email accounts set up solely for the purpose of emailing H, but she doesn't allow them on the computer.  He provides a cell phone for them, so they may talk. Sometimes, he gets them. Sometimes, he doesn't. The kids tend to misplace the phone or forget to charge it and she is hands off, saying it's not her responsibility. He does have the home number, but I've seen him leave messages on both phones for a week and never get a response. I don't think she tells the kids that he calls.

He filed through the state. He didn't have any choice, as she filed a request for child support with the State, originally. As far as the legal route, we simply don't have the money for it. We thought we MIGHT have it for the mediation, but it turns out we will not. So, that's out, too. I suppose she's smarter than I give her credit for.  If she completely bankrupts him, she's got a pretty good chance he'll never take her to court, because he can't afford it. So, we're left with me looking to get a second job just to make ends meet.

It's completely insane. I had no idea there were women that acted this way, and I certainly had no idea that dads could get the shaft like this. In MY particular case, when my ex didn't pay child support, the state didn't care. I can recall being told by the AG's office that I should consider myself lucky for getting ANYTHING when I called because he was very behind. He was up to 2 years behind at one point, and they didn't do anything to him. Nothing. When he finally started paying again, they added $17 a week to his payment and that was it.  He never carried insurance, either, and I was told I'd simply have to pay for medical bills myself and then submit a request for a 50% reimbursement. As they couldn't even make him pay child support, I decided it wasn't prudent to waste my time.

[ocean]

He can file modifications himself in family court. Many courts now have the forms online. You fill them out, send them in, they send you a packet, somethings you have to have her served (pay a company to do near her- $75 here, some places have the sheriff do it) and go to court on the date they sent you. The papers are free here to file, I have heard some places charging a small fee to file yourself.

You have to pick you battles but they are getting older so if you have some contact now, then maybe you can have contact with phones/emails/facebooks especially with the 13 year old. Send letters, cards for all (even little holidays). Contact their school and get online access or grades mailed to you, then send them a good job card/flowers.

Anything court ordered and she does not do, you can file contempt of court papers (same way as above). These papers are a little more serious and she has to go tell a judge why she is not following the court orders. (having email access, phone calls). Then you can ask for exact times/days this will happen.

He can try a registered letter (to prove he sent it).
Ex,
According to the court order dated XXX, it states the kids and I will have email access, phone calls....(quote that part). I have tried to contact them on XX dates and have left messages. Please have the kids call me weekly to see how they are doing. If you want to set up a day/time that I can talk to them each week, let me know when is good. Otherwise I will call every XX at XX. If they are not available, please have them call me within 24 hours. I really miss them and want to be a part of their lives as much as possible.
THank you
You

If she still refuses, (keep track, dates/times, keep phone bills) then you can send a stronger worded one that you will file contempt charges if you do not hear from the kids weekly.

It is hard to deal with a nutty ex, plus the distance does not help.

[rhelle]

He does have access to school records, which is great. We do send cards, letters, and gifts. The kids sometimes send letters back, if Mom will provide them with stamps. We bought quite a few stamps and envelopes at Thanksgiving so they'd have supplies available, but strangely they're all gone now.

Thank you all very much for your advice. I think when we are further along we will see about going the court route, but for now, we simply can't afford to drive to Utah to go to court each time she does something wrong. I looked into the contempt filings and from everything I've been able to find, it seems WE have to appear if we file a contempt charge...so that's out, too.

I guess for now we'll just wait and see. Hopefully, we'll get to see the kids this summer, even if it's just a day or so.

[MixedBag]

sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

EX#3's EX -- jurisdiction was NV, he was either in OH or AL....yeah, long road trip but the goal was to keep his three children in his life, and it worked.

For me, jurisdiction is 750 miles away....me AL, court WV.  It's just one of those things that's a top priority, like milk, eggs, and toilet paper.

[rhelle]

I agree 100%....unless, of course, one is struggling to buy milk, eggs, and toilet paper. 

There's just no extra money. We are now living payday to payday and coming up short at the end of every week. And, we don't do "extravagant" things. We have no home phone, no internet, no cable. We don't eat out. None of us have had new clothes in months, not even socks. The animals can't go to the vet. We have no lawnmower, even.

We went from doing really well and being able to afford fun things and trips to barely being able to eat. We've had several weeks in a row where we're surviving on sandwiches and kool aid. It's bad news, man.