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Author Topic: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.  (Read 6575 times)

BeastnBelle111

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    I have two daughters that came with my new husband, ages 6 and 9 whom I love very much.  Last March their mom told us to take them and for me to raise them as my own after she gave them to us telling me to raise them as my own, they were here until November.
The entire time if she called or requested to see them we encouraged it for their sakes, to keep them from feeling abandoned. After 3 months of no contact from her we filed for full custody with her having visitation with them regulated by their father.  Upon notification of our filing she decided to fight, she also made a huge attempt to get their father back also. He of course refused and she filed motion after motion of lies that were all proven wrong, (ex. that I was married to ex still...my divorce papers were shown and it was dismissed)
In the end, our funds were drained, she still had adequate resources and our lawyer advised us to make offer Joint Custody with children living with her and standard visitation spelled out to the letter.  We abide by the visitation order and notify her ahead of any conflicts and have continuously been flexible to her needs. The girls do not want to live with her and everytime they come we have to actually defend their mom to and extent to keep them from hating her. They get spankings for crying because they miss us, they are not allowed to call us, they cant say me and my daughter are "family".  They beg us to fight to get them back home but we dont have the money, they cry and kling to me when I drop them off while she, if my husband is there, spends the time trying for his attention, even though she is re-married. She threatens the girls with spankings if they tell us anything that goes on her house, they are not allowed to talk about us or even take gifts we give them home with them. She even refuses to look at pix of their life here. She talks about me so negative, even telling them I am why they are not a family anymore, because he refused to go back to her and chose to stay with me.  She had intitially left him and taken girls for his wealthy friend while he was out of town on business.  I was friends with both of them before she did this and that is why she knew I would take care of kids. He and I grew closer spending our time caring for our 3 girls and became a family that she cannot accept, we were married as soon as legally possible with the approval of all three girls who were in the ceremony. :)
I need help though, how can I help make this situation better for them, and us? Ive reached out to her numerous times to make peace, and have never treated her negatively or badmouthed her to the girls for their sake. She is so bitter and hateful to me, and my 13yr old daughter.  She's also making her girls lives miserable over her remorse for leaving their father. HELP!!!


ocean

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Re: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2011, 04:59:05 AM »
You can ask for court ordered counseling to be ordered. Try to find someone and start them when you have them. Since he has joint custody, he can make appointments on his time.

Also, you need to start dealing with her in a very limited manner. Switch over to email for all communication. Change all numbers except one cell and let it go to voicemail if she calls. Then text her back an answer ONLY if she really needs one. Answer emails in a very short manner with the answers she needs and IGNORE everything else.

For the kids, they feel the tension from both houses knowing you both do not like each other. Have a family meeting and just say we will have a good time here, be a family, respect each other. The judge said these are the days you come here (make a calendar for them to keep at your house). When you get older we can see if the judge will change the order. We want you to have be happy at both houses.

Do not ask them about mom's or send anything over there. Just going to make it worse. Document anything you can over the next year or so. They are still young. If you go back to court, you can ask for  a law guardian for the children. This is a person that will talk to them and ask them what they want and make their wishes known to the court. They are still young so ....unless they had abuse or neglect stories it probably will not change anything. In a year, you can ask for an increase in time, if you have issues (school work not being done on her time, grades on her time, refused visits).

Go by the court order, no matter what. Take the kids for all court ordered time. DO not switch if she will not work with you. Send her registered letters quoting the court order and follow it. If she does not follow the parenting plan, you can file contempt on missed visits.

As for your daughter, she should never talk/see their mother. Keep her away from her. Try not to talk to her about adult stuff either.

Enjoy the time with the girls, get involved in their school, teachers. Go to their activities even if it is not your time but stay on the other side of the room/field. Tell girls if it is not your time, you are their to see them and will just wave to them goodbye and see them next time.

Welcome.....many of us have dealt with what you describe. Most times you can not change mom. Time sometimes changes things but mom will have trouble when they get to be teens and refuse to stay with her...just keep a stable life on your side and demand respect in your house.

BeastnBelle111

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Re: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2011, 08:35:16 PM »
We were served papers tonight.  She, the mother, is asking for full legal and physical custody with supervised visitation for just my husband.  All because we stood firm on keeping to the visitation schedule she had signed just a few months ago.  My husband and I have honestly put forth every effort to follow the guidelines and to not talk bad about the kids mother, and focus on spending quality time with the girls.  When we have them, we are a very happy loving family.  I know the girls miss us.  We miss them so much. We dont have money to fight her. I was laid off recently and just started a new job with less pay and he is just changed jobs too.  The papers didnt say why she thought she deserved full custody. I know that she tries her best to control what goes on here by telling the kids if they go against her rules here they will be punished there.  I styled the 10 yr olds hair one Sun before she went home and when her mom found out I had fixed it, the 10 yr old got punished for letting me "change her", I had flatironed it and pulled it back in a barrett. Thing is when the 10 yr old got here she had not been made to wash her hair for days.  Last time we dropped them off both held on to me and cried and I told them it was ok, that everything would be okay.  Now I know its not.  We cant pay the money to fight her, we just honestly dont have it. :'-(

bloom6372

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Re: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2011, 12:12:15 AM »
Can your husband represent himself? There's TONS of resources on here. My DH has represented himself 3 of the 4 times he's gone to Court.
 
Have you been documenting everything? That would help TREMENDOUSLY.
 
I'll PM you a little more of our situation, and we can talk. :)

ocean

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Re: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2011, 05:26:18 AM »
He will not get supervised visits unless she has an abuse/neglect case. He can do this himself BUT be very strong if she has a lawyer. If she refused the next visit, get a police report and file contempt of court papers at family court (usually free to do).

Go to the court date, listen to her lawyer but do not SIGN anything. Speak very clearly that you love your kids and have been there for them but the mother has interfered with visits. If the judge does not throw the case out, ask that a law guardian be assigned to the children. The first date nothing usually happens. You can file modification papers against her custody papers and really detail the custody plan so the mother has no wiggle room. Like pick kids up from school. Drop off back at school or at police station. Court ordered counseling with mother and father to co-parent (then you can bring up kid issues).
Put in all the things you have been having issues with and if he missed any parenting time, ask for make-up time.

Write you questions here, some of us have represented ourselves or helped out lawyers out. Biggest thing is not to be bullied by her lawyer but you can talk to him a lot of the phone to make her retainer go down! lol


Kitty C.

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Re: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2011, 09:42:32 AM »
One other thing to think about here..........the judge may throw her petition out anyway, because she has NO basis for a modification of custody, especially so soon after you've already established a custody CO.  In order for a judge to sign of on a modification of custody, the party requesting the modification MUST PROVE a 'significant change of circumstance', meaning something detrimental HAS to have happened to the CHILD that warrants severely minimizing or eliminating the time with the other parent.
 
If this is what happens (and it is highly likely), demand that she pay for ALL atty. fees and court charges, for wasting your DH's and the court's time by filing a friviolus suit.  And as ocean recommended below, ask for CO'd counseling...her intentions will be put in question if she's demanding radical changes to a CO that is fairly new. 
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

ninapook

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Re: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2011, 02:37:14 AM »
A reasonable mother has no fear of another woman who might just have fallen in love with her children, other than to fear that THAT woman might be a better parent. Do NOT give in to supervised visits, what you might set is "status quo" which, in a lot of states is as good as gold. Don't give them a reason to question you, don't allow her to paint your wife in any other circumstance as supporting her husband, in good and bad, til death til us part, those were your vows with your wife. I'm not saying you have to initiate any further discomfort, but certainly don't take this lying down. You are both dealing with a system that deems a "mother no matter what" - better than a "family that can help her". (her being the biological mother because she clearly cannot handle it). Figure out where you want to be and how much that will cost you. Mother's Day has just passed, and your wife deserves to be acknowledged. Fathers Day is coming up, make sure you're on the radar.  No one has ever said it has to be an "all or nothing" situation as far as the kids are concerned. But when you're dealing with less-than-mature-mindsets---just make sure your kids know you did all you and your wife could do to  be there. And no matter what, you'll always be there.

wife1

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Re: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.
« Reply #7 on: Jun 06, 2011, 12:48:54 PM »
I feel for you, my step-sons bio mom is sooo dificult. She posts terrible things on fer facebook  about my husband and when she speaks to him its always yelling and sarcasstic comments. She is one of those women who need control over everything and everyone, she has no manners or common curtosy. Everything has to be difficult everytime. Just stay strong for the girls and your husband, even if things dont work out now in the end those girls will know you and their father fought for them and tried your best and that is what they will remember.
trying to make it through each day as best as I can...

redbabyblue70

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Re: Stepmom, me, would give anything for peace with bio mom.
« Reply #8 on: Jul 23, 2011, 07:04:57 AM »
I feel for you as well.  My husband and I have been through what you are now going through with your husband and stepchildren.  I can tell you time does work in your favor- that is what happened to us.  BM realized it was better to have us an an ally versus an enemy.  After a year of her having primary custody, with both having joint custody regarding health interests, etc, but my husband having visitation one overnight a week and every other weekend- the right of first refusal was in their custody order- meaning, if she had to work on her scheduled time- she had to offer them to their father FIRST before going to a third party to watch the children.  Needless to say, I ended up having the children ALOT in the beginning, because she worked on weekends, and my husband worked on weekends, whereas I have a Monday through Friday job. 
 
Things did get better for us, and she finally agreed to a 50/50 custody- that went for a year- without it being in writing.  I pushed for my husband to get it in writing, so she couldn't just go back to the current order and take time away from my husband.  She even agreed to allow me in the hearing with the mediator, which surprised me.
 
I agree, there are a lot of resources on this site that will help you represent your husband without a lawyer.  We did our own papers.  I know money is tight now, but hang in there and do everything you can to help your girls make the best of the situation.  Trust me, when they are teenagers, they will have more of a say on which parent they want to be with.  I suggest going to your local law library and doing some research on your own.  The clerks there are usually pretty friendly and willing to help you out.
 
Always remember to have your children's best interest in mind with anything you say or do, to them, and their BM. 
 
Documenting everything that happens is definitely to your benefit.
 
Best of luck. 

 

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