Author Topic: Same old Visitation Denial (Read 2798 times)

Disgustedstepmom · « **on:** Mar 01, 2012, 02:31:47 am »

BM is still picking and choosing when child can visit. VO states every other weekend from Sat 10 to 7 and Sun 10 to 7. My husband went to pick her up for visitation in Nov and BM refused stating child had been sick and out of school for a week and a half. Unfortunately, an argument ensued. On Monday, my husband and I went to the courthouse to file Rule to Show Cause papers and was told BM had just been there trying to get an OP against my husband. The emergency OP was denied based on no actual threat of harassment, as it was just a family matter. My husband went to the permanent OP hearing 2 weeks later. Judge asked BM why visitation was denied. She stated that EVERY time child comes home from visit, she is sick. (BM has continued to make claims that child has 'blood sugar' problems and needs extra care. We wouldn't have a problem with this except child takes no meds for, doesnt even have her blood tested. BM will not allow him to go to dr with them) Judge stated that he wanted a FULL medical history on this child. We jumped for joy! Judge also asked if BM had contacted him to let him know child was sick and out of school for a week and a half. She replied no that she didnt think it was her responsibility. Judge then asked BM, well wouldnt you like to know if the roles were reversed? She said no,but judge did not believe her. Judge ordered that visitation change to Sat 10 to 9, and Sun 12 to 5:30. We went back to court on Feb 2nd but BM failed to show. Continued to March 6th. We also received an attendance record from the school after requesting it. Child has missed 29 days so far. Child missed 48 days in Kindergarden and is in her second year of 1st grade due to BM taking her out and 'home schooling'. No proof of home school has ever been shown. Yes, my husband does pay child support and is current.

It just amazes me how some BM's think they are the only parent in a child's life. It just makes me so angry to think that they don't want the fathers anywhere in the child's life. Then they should have thought about this before having children with the BF's. Sorry guys, guess I just needed to rant! There are women out there who feel for what you are going through just trying to be part of your child's life.

tigger · « **Reply #1 on:** Mar 01, 2012, 08:59:31 am »

Why isn't it overnight?

lost child · « **Reply #2 on:** Mar 01, 2012, 11:52:43 am »

i am sad for the child and everyone concerned this hurts the child so much .this mother is hurting a parent child relationship .good luck

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #3 on:** Mar 01, 2012, 10:54:35 pm »

The only reason no overnights is because BM won't let her. She can stay everywhere else though.

DadsCrushed · « **Reply #4 on:** Mar 02, 2012, 06:30:28 am »

"the only reason is because the BM . . ." who cares what she wants. I would advise you to get a pendente lite or some order from the court establishing some schedule. My ex pulled this stunt as well, and if the child is that sick where are the doctor's notes, excused absences, bills for services, etc. They don't exist. Your husband needs to file against the BM.

neutron11 · « **Reply #5 on:** Mar 02, 2012, 12:00:17 pm »

How old is the child? 5 years old? At that age, child should be able to handle overnights with dad pretty well. You need to push for overnights in court. Make sure to have something in writing in parenting plan that says that illness of child won't be a cause for denying visitation. Your DH can provide comfort and care as well as BM (but of course, that doesn't make much sense if you guys don't have overnights). Does BM have sole custody? It seems so since you talk about "visitation" instead of "parenting time". If BM denies visitation due to illness, you should have a clause in VO to establish make up time. If she doesn't give you make up time, then file for contempt. Court is expensive and stressful but if you don't put a stop to BM now, she will continue doing whatever she wants. Fight to get more time with child.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #6 on:** Mar 02, 2012, 05:42:37 pm »

Child is 7 years old. BM does have sole custody. When we first went to court for visitation, Judge just automatically granted her sole custody, which I guess is normal. On the 2 overnight visits that we have had with her, we have never had a problem out of her for sickness, etc. The only problem WE had, was that at the age of 7 she is sending the child to bed with a sippy cup of milk stating the doctor recommended it. When she stayed here, we didn't offer the cup and child never requested it. It does explain why child had to go to dentist and have all 4 bottom teeth removed. Then we found out she sucked on a pacifier and bottle till she was 6. Not much we can do about it I guess, except have to pay to correct all the damage it caused in the future.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #7 on:** Mar 02, 2012, 10:48:42 pm »

And in the current VO, nothing states about make-up time or for illness.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #8 on:** Mar 03, 2012, 02:24:59 am »

I do have another question though. When child was conceived, BM was married to someone else. Her husband had no clue it wasn't his child, and my husband didn't know it was his. When child was born, her husband's name was put on birth certificate. A year later, in a fight, she told him she didnt know about paternity. My husband was summoned, and DNA test showed he is the father. Fast forward almost 7 years, child still has her ex's last name and his name is still on the birth certificate. Anyone know of procedures to get all this changed?

neutron11 · « **Reply #9 on:** Mar 03, 2012, 05:02:18 pm »

I think it depends on the state. Since husband is still on birth certificate, in WA he is still nominally the father. You need a document signed by husband where he states he is not father and also a document from mother and your DH stating he is father. Simply DNA testing is not enough. If husband and/or BM don't agree to do this, you will need to go to court and have the judge sign a court order to change name in birth certificate. My DH is going exactly through that process and we are waiting till trial to bring the issue to court. BM's husband is out of the country so no way we can get his signature.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #10 on:** Mar 03, 2012, 08:57:54 pm »

We live in Illinois. You would think a father is a father. Why should you have to take it to a Judge for a piece of paper state that you are the father and it's already been proven? It's ridiculous.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #11 on:** Mar 05, 2012, 06:22:12 am »

Suprisingly had daughter both day this weekend. Of course having court on Tuesday had an effect on that. Found out child missed friday of school because BM had a tooth pulled. That puts her at 30 days absent. BF is going to the school before court Tuesday to see what is going on.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #12 on:** Mar 08, 2012, 02:35:24 pm »

Went to the school before court on Tuesday. There is no attendance policy for grade schools in our district. The absence toll is now 33 that we know of. Nobody seems to care I guess. Court went ok I guess. BF got overnites, but BM stated that child has a severe ear infection so she wants to wait until it gets 'warmer' to start the overnights. Judge said ok so BF doesnt get overnights till the weekend after Easter. It upsets me because you can't tell me that the child will not go anywhere else in the next month. I don't see why having her overnite on every other weekend would cause any effect on ear infections, and what about next winter? Is she expected not to come because it's 'cold outside?' I just don't understand and am at the end of my rope. It is time for me to step away and whatever my husband has to deal with, he has to deal with. I seem to be the only one who wants what is good for the child.

He also asked what it would take to get ex-husband off the birth certificate and get his put on. He has to contact him and see if he will sign a denial of paternity first then take it to court. More drama and bs. I don't know, maybe I am looking at this wrong.

lost child · « **Reply #13 on:** Mar 13, 2012, 06:43:02 am »

This will consume your life because you do care and you want what is best for this child which means you know that this child should have a relationship with the Father well let me say this in my state the Judges doesnot like to go againist the mother BECAUSE the judge doesnot want the mother to get the womens groups involed .These women groups will go to court,they will hire a mother a lawyer they will do what it takes for the mother to get her way all the mother has to do is claim ABUSE , HARRESMENT , STALKING on and on . The mothers doesnot have to prove nothing to these womens group. Here it is these womens groups gets alot of donations (MONEY MONEY MONEY) and alot of it well they have to show how they are helping these poor abused mothers how they are spending the money and why they need more money. It would suprise you who is donating all this money all I can say is if you want to do something find out the company names that is donating it is strange these companies doesnot want proof either they want there tax break and the glory that they donate to a great cause HAW-HAW. In this world we live in today it is all about the MONEY and POWER. I say this give yourself a break from this as a man and i am not speaking for all men but i to have a problem with my childs mother will I am ashamed to say but i left it up to my wife now to do the worrying ,research,paper work,phone calls and what ever elese needed to be done to try to resolve this matter finally my wife got tired of my absents in not having any input she also said" AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT CARES ? Tell you what when you turn off the TV and you start listening to me and you get involed in this matter and i know for sure you care I AM DONE I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS OR I DONOT WANT YOU TO ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS. Until you prove yourself to me I am done what ever happens -HAPPENS.I love my wife with all my heart and she is a very caring wife,mother and she beleives what effects me effects her and i feel the same way . NOW the TV goes off and I listen to her and i am made a commitment to help myself and i have proved that to her.I must say that we are much happier

This is not a perfect world and never will but at least it needs to be equal for all . Sorry this post was long but need to be expressed. TURN THE TV OFF AND LISTEN . Take a break . THANKS , LOST CHILD

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #14 on:** Mar 14, 2012, 11:23:13 pm »

Lost Child, I do feel consumed sometimes. I have recently decided to put up a 'brick wall' and try to keep to myself when it comes to her. I want to make a dozen phone calls, emails and so forth. I haven't done any of this because if my husband wants to do something about it, he can do it. I too feel like I am the only one that cares. I do understand my husband's point though. He told me at one time that he has not had the chance to really connect with this child. And in truth, he hasn't. None of his family know her. They know her name. BM doesn't want me involved with the child whatsoever. Doesn't even want me to get the child a drink if she asks. Her dad is suppose to do it. I would much rather my children have a step mom that loves them and would do anything for them instead of a 'wicked' stepmom. But I guess she see's differently.
Isn't it sad that so many dads in this world have to deal with this everyday? They always say "It takes two." Of course, until the father tries to actually help RAISE the child then they are shunned. I wish the best for you and your wife.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #15 on:** Mar 16, 2012, 05:46:34 pm »

Well, husband got a text on Tuesday saying child is sick with flu and bronchitis again. No school for the week. That puts abscences up to almost 40. BM put a post on a particular website on Tuesday stating she took her to doc and he said it was just a cold, no meds. So today, husband gets another text stating she is still running a fever (5 days running) so she isn't coming this weekend. Husband told her he would be there tomorrow with a thermometer and if she didn't have a fever, he was having his visitation. She replied "Don't worry, I am seeking legal advice about this."
I am just done. I can't be involved with all this anymore. I know that all this upsets my husband, but in my eyes, he isn't doing what needs to be done. No phone calls being made, etc. Fed up with it all. I am giving up hope.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #16 on:** Mar 16, 2012, 05:47:49 pm »

Sorry, in other words, no visitation this weekend. Husband requested a doctor's note saying she is unable to come due to drastic illness but that's not happening either.

neutron11 · « **Reply #17 on:** Mar 16, 2012, 11:34:57 pm »

It seems to me that your DH needs to make a decision whether to allow BM continue denying visitation under the excuse of illness or take legal action. It's his choice since it's his child. I know that this gets to you but you need to let him make the choice and live with it, no matter what. Does he have access to medical records? If so, he needs to get to the bottom of this issue. He needs to document all the times that BM denied visitation with the excuse of illness and go to court for a clarification of the court orders. If you have emails of her denying visitation, bring them to court. If he presents his case convincingly, he might get a change in the parenting plan where BM can't deny visitation due to illness. I'm sure DH and you are more than capable to take care of a sick child. If the child is so sick that can't travel, then BM should send a doctor's note and provide make up time. But it's up to your DH to assert his rights and fight to get more. What does your parenting plan say right now about visitation? Does it describe specific times and dates? Does the parenting plan provide for overnights or does it say liberal visitation? It's better to have clear language to avoid misunderstandings. Court is not easy but it's better than living with the stress of a BM walking all over you and depriving the child of his father.

brwneyedmom · « **Reply #18 on:** Mar 16, 2012, 11:51:01 pm »

I think that your DH DID stand up for himself and his daughter.. Brilliant to think of bringing a thermometer with him!!

ocean · « **Reply #19 on:** Mar 17, 2012, 04:58:34 am »

He did what he could at the time. When he goes and gets her, document with police report. Then on Monday, call dr and get records, see if you can talk to dr too and see how bad she was. Email mom, and ask when make up time can be for missed visit, even if it is a dinner visit. Take what you can get. If you have other denials file for contempt of court (while there, add sentence that unless there is a dr note stating child can not come, the child will go with father, if child is sick with note, the father will get make up time the following weekend, same times.)

It is very emotional when you go and can not take your child. Your dh has to control himself and not ring his ex's neck. She has control of his kids right now and he can not do anything about it. It is very frustrating to watch but your dh is also dealing with a lot too and trying to make you happy.

Disgustedstepmom · « **Reply #20 on:** Mar 18, 2012, 09:55:49 pm »

I agree with everyones posts. All good points. If this were one of my biological children that I had rights to, I would fight back tooth and nail. I wouldn't let it go for weeks at a time while I was doing nothing. All my husband said to me after he found out he wasn't getting visitation again was that we would save back the $60 it takes to go back to court if she did it again. That's fine with me, but actually DO something at these court dates. His visitation is only every other weekend. No holidays, no summer vacation. He doesnt request access to medical and school records. He doesnt even know the name of the doctor. I don't know if he has ever asked. I guess he is satisfied only getting to be "dad" 16 hours every two weeks. Yeah we just got overnites to start the weekend after easter, but I don't see her allowing that either.