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Tired of fighting, when do you throw in towel....long

Started by mango, Oct 11, 2006, 08:36:38 AM

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mango

My step daughter whom we have had 50/50 shared parenting for 9 years, and prior to that my husband was her sole caregiver, as mom had other things to do with her life. When we got married, the bio-mom came back around to gain legal custody, and being the mom, although previously uninvolved she was able to gain 50/50.

During those years she has been working hard on destroying the relationships with my SD and her entire fathers side. Grandparents, cousins, neighbors, half-siblings. Intense PAS. It's been difficulat on us all.

We have been in court numerous times with mom trying to sue for sole (at least 5 rounds of battles) Everything from attempts to move out of state, to claiming we are neglectful, to SD not being happy. (None of which she was successful) This last battle the courts flat out told her they will never-ever give her sole. Through all this we have not counter filed for sole (except when she moved her out of state, which she had to move back or the court was going to give her to dad), we primarily fought to keep 50/50 in place.

But the PAS has gone to the extreme, SD (who is now turning 13) has told daddy she no longer wants to see us. She had a long-list of reasons. Her mom always fills her mind with dreadful things about us, and she apparently believes it all. We are a normal every-day family of 6, (no drugs, no abuse, no criminal records, just average folks) and she is not "the" only child in our home, so yes, it is different then at moms, where she is the only one. But it's no reason to condemn us. But one of her main reasons was that she just wants the "fighting" to stop. But she doesn't realize all the fighting isinitiated by her mom. We do not start the court battles, her mom does. In fact, we never even speak of her mom in our home. But her mom slams us every chance.

Anyways, now that it is HER stating flat-out how miserable she is, and how she doesn't want to see us or her siblings, etc. my hubby is seriously considering letting it go. This custody stuff has emotionally and financially crippled our entire family for 9 years running.

It has been so much work fighting to have her in our life and to keep her happy. We all walk on egg-shells to make sure she is happy in our home, and nothing seems to work. The PAS is too impactful and even with strong counseling it gets worse each year.

I know it seems like a cop-out to let go, but for our sanity, and from what it seems we are "torturing her" by making her continue to see us. If we stop seeing her maybe all the hatred she deals (daily) with will dissipate and she can live a normal life... Or ...maybe we should fight to get sole and save her from the mental abuse.

I wish I knew the "right thing" to do....

The ball sort of is (legally) is in our court right now. The old GAL we had (last battle), and the appointed counselor stated (confidentally) that we should counter file for sole. And that she should be with dad cause mom was mentally abusive. Still very hard to prove, and it would still be a long and hard to get actual courts to switch to sole, as it would be a school change too.  And if she doesn't want to be with us, what is the point. SD stated she wants the fighting to stop, and going for sole would only make her mom more venomous and make the whole situation hotter.

Any thoughts or advice.....


tf11

SOrry to hear about what has happened.

Not sure if you've heard of the book "Divorce Poison" by Dr. Warshak, but it deals with how to respond to a vindictive ex's efforts to bad mouth you/brainwash/cause PAS, etc...

The book has been out for sometime, so you can probably find it at your library if you dont want to purchase it.




4honor

that was mentally abusive. I was 17 and relatively mature for my age. BUT I could not withstand the onslaught my mother threw at me.

Your child desperately needs to feel like her father can rescue her out of this situation. She pushes him away because she is MADE to chose. Each failure to chose her mother causes her more pain than the pain she is causing by chosing a father she knows is not at fault. That kid is torn by what she is being made to do. It is damaging her ability to trust and is setting her up for all kinds of troubles and character flaws... only the flaws aren't little divets (easily overcome) but great sweeping chasms she will struggle with her entire life for some sub-standard version of normal.

Sure, you have successfully defended against the Nazi's, but you have failed to commence D-day and win this for once and for all. You aren't fighting a border skermish, but a world war - her world.

Knowing about what she is going through and not fighting for her may push her away for a very long time, maybe forever. It is hard to forgive unrealized but realistic expectations.

The one thing that finally healed my relationship with my father (though my mother is long dead) is that I point blank asked him why he did not fight harder for us kids (6 in all), why he left us alone to fend for ourselves against her mental abuse. It all came tumbling out after that -- PAS was not known of then. He never knew what we went through. It was then that I could forgive, and could heal. It has been less than a year since it happened and I am 40 now. This has started a whole process in my siblings as well.
A true soldier fights, not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves whats behind him...dear parents, please remember not to continue to fight because you hate your ex, but because you love your children.

mango

We pick her up tomorrow. But still have made no decisions on what we might do. I think hubby needs to sit on it for a month until he can get over the feelings of "rejection" right now. Knee jerk response it to let go...

The couselor suggested we either go for sole, or let SD come up with a new visitation schedule that would make her happy (Which would mean cutting our time down, until we are gone). But make it s temporary plan between her and dad, not legally.

But my thoughts are that her bio-mom will never stop (the fighting) until she has completely severed the ties, and a sudo-agreement with dad will not go over.

Another thought is, bio-mom is in this for "the fight" if we give up, she may give her back to us, after the novelty wears out. (it could happen) When she was small she wanted very little to do with her daughter, until "we" wanted to make it legal with us. Then suddenly she moved back into the state and stepped up to be mom. I think her "property" was threatened. She is an Narcisict Borderline personality disorder. Fits all criteria.

We have been through 5 rounds of court battles, each as ugly and costly as the first. If we go one more...yes, she would be 14-15 by the time the case is heard, and she could litterally take us once more before she is 18.

I wish the court had a limit to how many times you could be forced to go into court by ex.

We do have teh Divorce Poision book, and the counselor has given us tips, but her mom is clever in her ways, as she is also education and knows how to persude verbally. (manipulate).

I know we should fight but I do wonder if continuing the fight would do her more harm, especially if she is so far gone that she really wants nothign to do with us....

4honor

Do NOT listen to this child's words.

Listen to her actions more. If she come with you and Cannot show affection, cannot laugh, cannot eventually be herself - her old self, then she may be beyond help right now.

If she says one thing and still acts like her old self after a short time with you, then the venom coming out her mouth is not her own.

Kids can ACT for a long time before it invades their actual thought processes. The child will say and do what it takes for survival, even without believing it. When it gets under her skin and into her shoes (so to speak) then you can beleive she is too far gone. When it is no longer just talking the talk, but walking that walk, then it is time to give up.
A true soldier fights, not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves whats behind him...dear parents, please remember not to continue to fight because you hate your ex, but because you love your children.

mango

Well we picked her up on Friday, and she was totally fine. Not a word about the "incident" –Nothing. So we just let it go for now.

She was pleasant, loving and affectionate. Shared details of her school on-goings, and was nice to her siblings, and talked of "future" stuff with us as normal.

As usual, we didn't want to rock the boat, so we never did bring up anything and just enjoyed the time.

I figure we should just wait and see what happens next. Maybe she felt she did what she was instructed (by her mom), and she is off the hook with her mom. Hate to tell her, but her mom will keep at it.

Poor kid.

You can always tell when she is being "worked on"

At what point can you just flat out tell these kids "Your being brianwashed -wake up!!" Is it that harmful for them to know the flat-out truth?

jilly

We are currently going through something similar.  It's obvious that the Ex is badmouthing DH.  SD has always been moody but at times it's just maddening.  I am reaching a point where I really dislike SD and don't want her around.

SD is also an only child when at her Mom's house.  When she's with us she has to deal with a 4 year old sister (who worships the ground SD walks on BTW).  It's an adjustment for both of them really when SD is there because they're BOTH only children until they're together.  The youngest seems to adjust much better though. Plus, when SD is gone, DD will talk about how she misses her sister.  It's enough to break your heart sometimes.

SD has been hitting DD.  Not hard enough to cause actual damage, but hitting nonetheless. And, of course, she always says that DD hit her first.  I've told BOTH of them that they are NOT to be hitting each other so it's not like I'm showing favoritism.  However, after one weekend where there was hitting going on, I asked DD's preschool teacher if they had had problems with DD hitting any of the other kids.  Her response: No.  I really don't think DD is hitting SD first.  I think SD is using that to keep from getting in trouble.

For some time there was a *truce* between DH and the Ex.  She was actually acting human!  Well something has happened to change that and we don't know what it is.  The Ex and DH had a heated discussion on the phone the other night regarding SD and the Ex hung up on him. She was to schedule a parent/teacher conference for both of them to attend together.  We got an e-mail from the teacher last nigh saying she's requested separate conferences.  What's that tell ya?

SD is only 9 years old right now, but I can see the day coming when she says she doesn't want to come around anymore.  In spite of everything we've done and do for her, she has said several times that she doesn't feel welcome when she's with us.  How the heck can you overcome/combat that?  We just keep on trying to do the best we can to counteract but it gets old sometimes.  I feel like we're fighting a losing battle.

mistoffolees

I would suggest a counseler who's an expert in this area. Not so much for the girl as for you. The counseler can tell you how best to deal with it and what you should and shouldn't do. I would take the 'educated' advice and put it along side the 'experience' advice you'll get here.

The counselor may suggest bringing the girl in, but they may not (since it will open a huge can of worms with the ex).

mango

Wow! Sounds lvery simila to our life. Our (3) kids, and SD fight to. But it's the typical sibling stuff. But SD goes home to her bio-mom and naturally tells mom only her side of things. She gets the "Oh I'm so sorry you have to 'put up' with that over there" talk. So SD thinks her life is so horrible at our house. Things we really can't control, no matter how hard we try to please, her mom un-do's any good we do.

She is nearly 13, so I guess there will be little we can do at this point. Her mom has nearly completed her mission on severing all ties, and ridding us.

We did start counseling last year but BM will not take her to appointments, and bad-mouths the therapist too. So any good works the therapist does get's un-done as well. It's amazing how fast the PAS can work too.

But the counseling helps us, at least, makes us realize we are not these horrible people BM (and SD) are making us out to be. Afirms what we have been thinking all along too, that her BM is nuts and has no business having even partial custody. But courts don't switch so easy, and at this age, not sure if it would fly to try.

The therapist said as kids (with PAS) hit the teens, they start to question the "programer" and want to know what is really going on....

Maybe all that bad-Karma BM spews out will come back to haunt her someday...

Sherry1


1-daddy

How do they grow up to know any better when they have no repercussions?

I'm at a loss, my sit is very similar.  We have been taken to court by BM many times. BM always comes out with less, she was CP and then DH was awarded CP we couldn't afford the fight anymore so we settled on 50/50. She was still offered CS but it wasn't enough so went back to court and now she gets nothing. So she took us back to court less than a year later for full and the judge ordered a new trial aftyr reading the old evaluation and said one would walk away with supervised after this, looking at her, she dropped her case unitl next time...
 
BM was diagnosed with BPD, Anti Social PD, severly sociopathic and extremely deceptive in fact it was said she scored off the charts on the testing, "higher than a criminal"  We have had numerous false reports filed against us. Some members of my husbands family have nothing more to do with us. Most recently, the children have lied that I verbally assaulted them in a park.  They went into detail of this to police, GAL and ACS.  They said they hate me, I am mean and they never want to see myself or their father again.  They were kept from us on these allegations from 6 weeks. They came back like nothing ever happened.
They told these same people our son (18mo at the time)is not their brother and they are afraid of him because he bit them.

Last year, SD said she was molested, by a relative who is physically incapable.  She said this to a detective, a counselor and ACS and was able at 8yo to be extrmeely graphic, noone believed her story but this makes me sick.  When we called SD counselor for an emergency appointment the counselor stated she was not at all tramatized. SD's response "mommy will believe me no matter what I say"

A few months ago, BM asked for a new insurance card, we told her she was not entitled to it and we would fax it to the doctors if need be (She used the old one as ID to secure a $5000 loan under DH's name). Exactly 2 days later it was missing out of DH's wallet that SD had access too.

When SD was getting ready to go to BM I found most of our sons wet bath toys wrapped around her clothes she stole to give to her little sister at BM's, when we confronted her, BM said how dare we turn our backs on her when she made a small mistake.  I also was mad at them forgetting their father's day gifts for the 3rd year in a row. Almost immediately after this BM filed an ACS report against us and went to court to get our visitation suspended pending the completion of the investigation.

BM is a criminal, she has purgered herself more times than I can count.  She has filed false reports and even had DH arrested 2x.  Her 2nd husband is sitting in a Rikers awaiting trial and served 6 months last year.  She is living with a 3rd guy and they have only been divorced since 2002.

My fear is these kids will grow up to be sociopathic, Anti-social criminals themselves and I have a son I need to worry about. I worry about my marriage and my own sanity.
How many false allegations, lies, stealing are we to put up with. And who and what next? Yes, they act happy here but SD especially is constantly spying and then telling these terrible stories.  She can be very cold and very manipulative.

We have spent nearly $200,000 in court fees and 10s of thousands more in lost wages. When is enough, enough.  We had them in therapy and they would lie to the therapist.  The therapist refused to make any determination in either direction, just stating there are a number of reasons they may have lied.  We were on a few waiting list for another but that is more time, more money and more defending ourselves.

I want to know when enough is enough before i lose it all......

Renee

It does come back to haunt them.  At least it did in our case.  We didn't see my SS for a year because she had turned him against us.  Then, one day out of the blue he called and asked to spend the weekend with us.  We reached out to him prior to that of course....Birthday and Christmas gifts, emails, and phone calls if he would talk.  He had never been close with his mom and then suddenly when he was a tool to hurt us she gave him what he wanted when he wanted it and badmouthed us to no end.  He finally saw through it and was tired of the horrible homelife he had with his BM and her new husband that he came back.  He started questioning everything that she said.  He told us he wishes he could carry a law book with him and look up what she says so that he would know if certain things were true.  The most important thing is that we have NEVER bad mouthed her to any of the kids.  It is completely unacceptable.  Kids don't need to know adult things and they love to have some stability and escape a negative atmosphere in at least one home.  

We missed alot of time with him but we can't change that so we just enjoy the time with him now.  Also, it is still important that no matter how you feel about the ex to not let the kids know.  We even correct my SS when he badmouths her so that we are not setting a bad example or acting like we approve when he disrespects his mom (if you can even call her a mom).  However, we are also going through that with one of my twin SD's and BM is working on the other.  Instead of being mom she is their friend.  She allows nose piercings, buys thongs, padded bras etc.  Keep in mind they are only 12 years old.  God forbid if one or both end up pregnant in the next couple of years that will somehow be OUR fault.  

Anyway, bottom line don't stoop to her level so that no matter what  happens you can hold your head up in the end and someday your SS will realize exactly what the truth is and who her BM really is.  Then it is our job as the loving, do anything for your child parents to be there and pick up the pieces.  

I will keep you in my prayers.  God Bless.

Sherry1

us, told the kids hateful things about us, and convinced them that I was the daughter of Satan, everything backfired.  But it took them until they were teens/young adults.  Oldest stepdaughter has an extremely estranged relationship with her mother, and my youngest stepson actually lives with us now.  I am a firm believer that what goes around comes around, and she got hers!

1-daddy

I, too am a very strong believer in karma.  I just can't seem to wait.  I want to go to the DA and beg and plead to prosecute.  I am awaiting the official reports for ACS and they are taking forever.  I dont want to be a victim for the rest of my life either.

I/We confronted the kids this eve on the latest allegations. It turned out way worse then I thought and then they spoke with their mother and i asked them to tell her what they lied about and they wouldn't.  They eventually apologized but I didn''t want that.  I got angry and just wanted them to realize that lieing can hurt, that it is illegal to file false reports and people go to jail eventually (hopefully) for doing so.  To be very careful what they wish for because the next time they say they never want to see us again it might come true.  Oops, am I terrible...

FatherTime

> Is it that harmful for them to
>know the flat-out truth?


Not harmful as long as the truth you tell is that you love them.  That's the most important truth you can tell.  I was relieved to hear that you are not giving up.  

I say .... never give up.

dancurry

Let me give you some friendly advice. When my daughter was 14 she told me she hated my guts because I didn't give her mother enough money. Though I tried to continue our relationship the best I could, I found her non-responsive and steadily decreased my attempts to resurect my relationship with her. This lead to less and less likelihood and content with the current arraingments for both of us. We became accustom to not talking to each other. This was the worse mistake I've made. Though I know my daughter has absolutely no respect for me, she may never have any now that we've grown so far a part. It's been nearly 7 years and I've seen her once (at her graduation) and talked to her twice.

This is why, in my opinion, the towel should NEVER NEVER be tossed into the ring.

Dan Curry.

cinb85

He's had very little (maybe 8 times in her lifetime) contact with our DD (15 years old).  Last year, I sent him a letter asking that he start up some kind of visitation with our DD.  His girlfriend at the time wasn't too happy about it, so he just didn't even try.  He has since broken up with his girlfriend (last November) and I have continued to write him letters asking him to set up some kind of visitation with our DD.  I have also suggested that he call our DD once a week just to ask her how she is and hopefully break the ice with her.  For some strange reason, he just keeps ignoring me.  I even talked to his sister about 3 weeks ago and told her about my suggestion to him about calling DD.  His sister thought that it was a great idea and told me that she would have a talk with my ex.  Still nothing!  The longer he waits, the harder it's going to be!

I agree that you should never stop trying to keep in touch with your children!!!  Even if they don't talk to you, at least they know that you are making an attempt.  I think because my ex doesn't even try to contact our DD, she thinks that he doesn't love her and care about her.  It's very sad!!!

backwardsbike

I am so glad i read this today.  I am a NCM of two children DS-17 adn DD-14.  been going thri the mill for the last 8.5 years, been NC for 6 years.  My X is always taking em to court for something.

PAS is a huge issue in our case.  My DS just cannot stand up to his dad.  he admits this.  My DD is PAS'd thouroghly.

I Identify witht he poster who said the kids have anice thime when they visit adn then go home and tell all sorts of lies.  That happens to us all the time.  And you can count on an increase in lies adn litigation when the CP is angry about something.

My visits were suspended yesterday.  It came out of the blue.  I was to get the children at 6:30PM.  X called me at 5PM adn told he "I am holding an order suspendeing your visits until we have a hearing about your DH's drinking."  Oh really???  But he didn't need any proof.  Apprently he had our 17 year old son speak to his lawyer via telephone adn that was it.  Visits suspended.  My poor lawyer, whom I called at home, was as shocked as I was.

So we are up for another round.  But I do feel more adn more like giving in and giving up.  Reading your posts this AM, particually the gentleman who wrote that he grew up with PAS adn counlnd't understand why his dad didn't fight for him, really helped me to maintain or perhaps regain my focus.  Thank you all.

dipper

I had just read your post to Soc....I feel for you here at the holidays especially.  Seems your ex has timed this.  I too believe that kids learn to survive at times by lying to the parent that needs to hear hatred spewed at the other.  

Do you have a video camera?  I would also make sure during visits we went out around others so that if it came to it...you would have proof that the children were not miserable when with you.

I would definitely seriously consider what Soc said about requesting an emergency hearing if your ex's lawyer did not even seek out your lawyer before doing this.....

mango

I thank you for your post. It hits it on the nose. Sd is a weapon and othing more. I tend to think if we let go, BM will eventually wat us to take her. (who knows)
We jsut never wanted to risk it before.

We do the same at our hosue. We do not speak of BM, and try to inforce respect, if she were to speak poor of her BM. Which has not happened. She owrships her BM, and scared of her too. Someday that bubble WILL burst. As a teen she will bump heads with BM, and question things.

She has to know we are good people. She admits her mom constantly runs us down. She knows we do not. We never even talk about court stuff, as like you said, Kids don't need to worry about adult issues. But her mom discusses every single court detail with her. She even knows the terminolgy at age 12. Sad but true.

We will always be there for her. But we hope she will not return with a baby in tow, as the BM is loose with the rules as well. Gives her $20 bucks on the table on a friday night, and she is on her own with friends. Home alone, all summer for anything goes....Some parenting that is.

mango

My personal story.

My dad left when I was in 5th grade, sister in 7th brother almost out of school. (I'm now 42) He never bothered with us much after he left. My mom took advantage of this and bad-mouthed him till blue in her face. I hated my dad for years, and believed every word of my moms bitter angry words. Saying he never cared about you kids, he has his new wife now, and her kids are his now. so on...

Despite ALL that, I have since told my mom no matter what my dad did she had no business bad-mouthing him to us as kids. All it did was make us feel rejected and worthless. We were too young to handle all that hate, and it never processed well.

I can tell you now, my brother, sister and I have tried to make contact with my dad and it BOTHERS us to this day that he will not extend an invitation to meet with him or get to know him. I wish he WAS around whenI grew up. I want him to be proud of me, and meet my husband and meet his "own" grand kids. But he avoids meeting.

We would like to move forward, and forget the past, but he won't.

I still don't really know the details of the divorce, my my tends to be a bitter lady, maybe she has a right to be, but I wish she would move on too. She still bad-mouths him and I'm in my 40's !! She does not like the idea of us wanting to meet him either. She feels she did all the work raising us, why would we want to meet with him...so on so forth.

I am telling you this because I think you should write a letter to your daughter (or call) and try to re-connect. Try to heal those wounds. I wish my dad would. Time can heal.




Renee

I had no idea when I posted last what was around the corner for our family.  Last Saturday my SD returned to us!  She came to us out of the blue and we had no idea until about a half hour before it happened.   I had talked about my SS in the last post because he had returned and I wanted to let you know that things can turn around when you least expect it and I mentioned how we were going through it with one of my twin SD's and that the other was in the works.   Well, BM's having everything blow up in her face.  My SD daughter returned to us after not being with us for 15 months.  I was always worried that when that would happen that things could be awkward.  Especially because of the false accusations made by her (because of BM), but that was not the case at all.  We always knew who was truly behind the schemes and k.new that my SD was a victim of her BM.  When she came back last Saturday morning, by the afternoon nobody would have known that she hadn't been a part of our family for that long.  I think the quietness in the beginning was her trying to figure out how she would be accepted.  Everyone got along so well and interacted just the same as the last time she was here.  It is such a relief to have her home.  We can finally have a family picture taken again after two years!  We didn't ask her anything about why she waited so long or anything else.  We just told her how much we love her and how happy we are that she is with us again and besides buying her some new clothes because she had grown ( I guess that's what kids do) we didn't act any different.  We wanted all of the kids to feel equal.  

We are now going to go for 50/50 and if that doesn't work we will have a home study and go for full custody.  The kids need and are entitled to two loving parents who can provide a stable environment.  My SD didn't have a very good influence while being brainwashed by her BM but now we can work on undoing the damage just simply by setting good examples and loving her as she deserves to be loved.  She had decided to take out her nose piercing....thank goodness!  

I just wanted to let you know so that you could continue to have some hope.  We didn't have to do anything.  We left it up to BM to keep showing her true colors to my SD and finally she had enough.  I had hoped that it would happen soon before anything bad happened (becoming pregnant, running away, stealing, etc) because my SD has such a good heart.  That is sadly what made her an easy target.  My husband told me that since my SD was very young, BM has always said that my SD doesn't have an original thought in her head.  She used that innocence to try to hurt us and break our family up.  Our faith in God and love for each other and our kids held us together and now without much effort things have turned in our favor and for the good of our family.  Most importantly WE can hold our heads up for who we are and how we have behaved.  Kids are smart and they can see people for who they are and they know when they are truly loved and put first or just being used.  In the end, BM will get what she deserves and it will be because of HER own actions and bad decisions.  She really should put more time into doing what is best for her children instead of so much effort in trying to hurt us.  I truly believe that she will never see her wrongdoing or that what she does hurts her kids and so therefore it is up to us to give them what they need that they don't get from her....not just physically but more importantly emotionally.

I will pray that the same happens for you....and soon so that you too may pick up the pieces.  I hope that this will help in some way to help you keep your head up and have some hope for your family.   God Bless.

mango

Well, it's hot/cold. She called before this weekend with excuse that she needs help with math and her step-grandad (who actually is not even married intot he family) is going to help tutor her for Friday. (He is retired math teacher). So we said OK, since she could use some help there. But why do they offer to help her on our little bits of time?

Anyway DH didn't call her on Saturday, and waited for her to call him. She finally called around 2, and he said, Well do you want to see us or not? Cause I don't really care.

This would be the thrid weekend she had some excuse to cancel and he is pretty down and hurt by it all. She said she hadn't seen us in a while and wanted to come. Maybe she got scared that he was actually going to let go of her and maybe it struck some reality. Not sure. But at any rate sshe was out on the curb waiting for him to pick her up. Which she doenst normally do.

Well next weekend is our weekend and her 13th B-day. I usually go all our and make a big deal out of B-days for all the kids. But I heard her on the phone with a friend making party plans. So this morning DH took her to school and said are you having a party for your B-day? She said yes. He said when is the party?

She said next weekend. He reminded her that it is OUR weekend, and she can't make plans on our time without talking it over with him. She was quiet.

Now, here is the problem. If we let her go "another" weekend, with her BM, we are letting her call all the shots, and not teaching her anything about respect, and commitments, etc. Not to mention how disappointed her siblings would be if they couldnt celebrate her B-day.

If we make her come to our house for the weekend and celebrate her B-day with family she might be mad, cause it ruined her "Plans". Then we are teh bad-guys.

If we say she can plan her party at our house, I feel like we are rewarding in a way. For disrepecting us. As lately she has been treating us like very unimportant people.

To be honest, we have been sucking up to this situation for YEARS, always trying to make things perfect for her so she would have nothing to complain about to her BM. But we always get slapped in the face with "one thing or another" She even complains that the temperature n the house is uneven, and she gets cold in her room, or hot. This is the stuff we hear back from BM. She is uncomfrtable there, and gets cold. Good grief. Put some socks on!

Part of me thinks she might want DH to be firm about his time with her, and make her come. Then she can play the victim with BM. Who knows.....

We are really tired of the games..................

Renee

I had no idea when I posted last what was around the corner for our family. Last Saturday my SD returned to us! She came to us out of the blue and we had no idea until about a half hour before it happened. I had talked about my SS in the last post because he had returned and I wanted to let you know that things can turn around when you least expect it and I mentioned how we were going through it with one of my twin SD's and that the other was in the works. Well, BM's having everything blow up in her face. My SD daughter returned to us after not being with us for 15 months. I was always worried that when that would happen that things could be awkward. Especially because of the false accusations made by her (because of BM), but that was not the case at all. We always knew who was truly behind the schemes and k.new that my SD was a victim of her BM. When she came back last Saturday morning, by the afternoon nobody would have known that she hadn't been a part of our family for that long. I think the quietness in the beginning was her trying to figure out how she would be accepted. Everyone got along so well and interacted just the same as the last time she was here. It is such a relief to have her home. We can finally have a family picture taken again after two years! We didn't ask her anything about why she waited so long or anything else. We just told her how much we love her and how happy we are that she is with us again and besides buying her some new clothes because she had grown ( I guess that's what kids do) we didn't act any different. We wanted all of the kids to feel equal.

We are now going to go for 50/50 and if that doesn't work we will have a home study and go for full custody. The kids need and are entitled to two loving parents who can provide a stable environment. My SD didn't have a very good influence while being brainwashed by her BM but now we can work on undoing the damage just simply by setting good examples and loving her as she deserves to be loved. She had decided to take out her nose piercing....thank goodness!

I just wanted to let you know so that you could continue to have some hope. We didn't have to do anything. We left it up to BM to keep showing her true colors to my SD and finally she had enough. I had hoped that it would happen soon before anything bad happened (becoming pregnant, running away, stealing, etc) because my SD has such a good heart. That is sadly what made her an easy target. My husband told me that since my SD was very young, BM has always said that my SD doesn't have an original thought in her head. She used that innocence to try to hurt us and break our family up. Our faith in God and love for each other and our kids held us together and now without much effort things have turned in our favor and for the good of our family. Most importantly WE can hold our heads up for who we are and how we have behaved. Kids are smart and they can see people for who they are and they know when they are truly loved and put first or just being used. In the end, BM will get what she deserves and it will be because of HER own actions and bad decisions. She really should put more time into doing what is best for her children instead of so much effort in trying to hurt us. I truly believe that she will never see her wrongdoing or that what she does hurts her kids and so therefore it is up to us to give them what they need that they don't get from her....not just physically but more importantly emotionally.

I will pray that the same happens for you....and soon so that you too may pick up the pieces. I hope that this will help in some way to help you keep your head up and have some hope for your family. God Bless

Renee


           I had no idea when I posted last what was around the corner for our family. Last Saturday my SD returned to us! She came to us out of the blue and we had no idea until about a half hour before it happened. I had talked about my SS in the last post because he had returned and I wanted to let you know that things can turn around when you least expect it and I mentioned how we were going through it with one of my twin SD's and that the other was in the works. Well, BM's having everything blow up in her face. My SD daughter returned to us after not being with us for 15 months. I was always worried that when that would happen that things could be awkward. Especially because of the false accusations made by her (because of BM), but that was not the case at all. We always knew who was truly behind the schemes and k.new that my SD was a victim of her BM. When she came back last Saturday morning, by the afternoon nobody would have known that she hadn't been a part of our family for that long. I think the quietness in the beginning was her trying to figure out how she would be accepted. Everyone got along so well and interacted just the same as the last time she was here. It is such a relief to have her home. We can finally have a family picture taken again after two years! We didn't ask her anything about why she waited so long or anything else. We just told her how much we love her and how happy we are that she is with us again and besides buying her some new clothes because she had grown ( I guess that's what kids do) we didn't act any different. We wanted all of the kids to feel equal.

We are now going to go for 50/50 and if that doesn't work we will have a home study and go for full custody. The kids need and are entitled to two loving parents who can provide a stable environment. My SD didn't have a very good influence while being brainwashed by her BM but now we can work on undoing the damage just simply by setting good examples and loving her as she deserves to be loved. She had decided to take out her nose piercing....thank goodness!

I just wanted to let you know so that you could continue to have some hope. We didn't have to do anything. We left it up to BM to keep showing her true colors to my SD and finally she had enough. I had hoped that it would happen soon before anything bad happened (becoming pregnant, running away, stealing, etc) because my SD has such a good heart. That is sadly what made her an easy target. My husband told me that since my SD was very young, BM has always said that my SD doesn't have an original thought in her head. She used that innocence to try to hurt us and break our family up. Our faith in God and love for each other and our kids held us together and now without much effort things have turned in our favor and for the good of our family. Most importantly WE can hold our heads up for who we are and how we have behaved. Kids are smart and they can see people for who they are and they know when they are truly loved and put first or just being used. In the end, BM will get what she deserves and it will be because of HER own actions and bad decisions. She really should put more time into doing what is best for her children instead of so much effort in trying to hurt us. I truly believe that she will never see her wrongdoing or that what she does hurts her kids and so therefore it is up to us to give them what they need that they don't get from her....not just physically but more importantly emotionally.

I will pray that the same happens for you....and soon so that you too may pick up the pieces. I hope that this will help in some way to help you keep your head up and have some hope for your family. God Bless.