Here we go again....

[Kitty C.]

Here I thought that when SS graduated and got married, DH and I were done with this kind of crap.  Now my granddaughter is caught in the middle between DS and GD's BM.  I've had concerns about her since practically Day 1.  A couple months after GD was born, BM had to be hospitalized because she thought she might hurt GD.  Just a hospital stay for a week, no follow-up, no other intervention.

It's an incredibly long story, but suffice it to say that on Father's Day, she refused to allow DS to see his daughter.  My brother and SIL are involved and they shouldn't be, as BM is playing DH and I against them because my brother has a grudge against DS for something DS did when he was TWELVE. (Convoluted, huh?)  Needless to say, the BM threw our whole family under the bus Sat. night.  And she's either deleted her FB page or unfriended everyone in connection to DS.  DH is absolutely livid, partly because of all the problems he had with SS's BM in the past and partly because GD's BM lied to him once before and he told her that was her only chance.  He now says he's through with her.

And we're supposed to have her this weekend....she got a no contact order on DS a year ago and a temp. custody order was included for EOW.  And there's a court date next Tuesday because she wants to extend it (even tho she and DS have had NO contact except for a phone conversation regarding GD's ear tube surgery).  DH and I facilitate the exchanges.  I don't know if that's going to happen tomorrow night, but all I can do is pray.  God, how I love that little girl!

MB:  I'm keeping this off my FB page. 

[MixedBag]

no problem.

They will always be our children, so I think the parenting never ends, it just changes.

Former SD is next up here.....I'm livid (but not surprised) that her dad (EX#3) nor her Mom can NOT assist her now in her time of need so that she can land on her feet and in another home as she moves on with her life.  I put the deposit down on a place today -- and might even have to co-sign -- since neither one of her parents are fit financially to do squat.  Somehow I think that's part of being a parent.....to be able to help pick up the pieces when necessary (and to set boundaries to encourage them to grow up and be independent).

And I do it for the step-grands....the kids....they don't deserve this at all.

Same as you...sticking your neck out for the next generation.

Hope your mom is doing better....

[Kitty C.]

She IS doing better, thank you!

What bothers me the most about this whole thing is that the BM is apparently using that grudge between my brother and DS to her advantage, and driving a deeper wedge between us. 

[MixedBag]

They will use ANYTHING....ya know?

[Kitty C.]

I know....we just found out this weekend just how far they're willing to go, including fracturing the entire family........

Warning: lengthy....this is mainly a vent.......

This past weekend was DS' weekend to have GD.  We couldn't get in touch with BM...she refused to return our calls.  DH went over Friday afternoon before 5 to get her and BM's car was not at her apt.  I met DH, we exchanged the car seat, and I went over after 5....her car was there.  I knocked on her door at least a dozen times....I could hear her and GD in the apt., but she would not answer.  By now I'm getting REALLY worried about the wellbeing for both of them.

I called DH and we both decided I needed to call police to do a welfare check.  Three cops came.....one went in to talk to her.  I explained to another what had happened last weekend.  The 1st cop came out and told me that the reason she decided to NOT allow us to have GD for even part of Father's Day is because she thought DH and I were drunk when we talked to her that Sat. night.  I laughed, which made the cop look at me funny....I told him he could ask anyone who knows me that I'm lucky if I have one cocktail a MONTH.  It's been many years since I've been drunk. But he said that she doesn't feel comfortable with me taking GD that evening.

The NCO was due to expire on June 22nd.  She filed to have it renewed on June 20th.  I looked on the online court system and it specifically states that until a decision is made to renew or drop, the current order is in effect. So while the cops were there, who shows up but my brother, SIL and nephew.  And I can tell immediately that my brother is PISSED.  When I said it's DS' weekend to have GD, my SIL said that order expired....little do they know that they violated that order.  They said they came because they were taking BM and GD out to dinner.  I know they only came because BM called them to tell them I called the cops.  So I had to leave empty-handed.   

On Sat., my mom calls from the hospital, asking if I had done something for her she had asked me to do and, because of that request and what I had to do (B and SIL took it out of my hands) I had no choice but to tell her everything that was going on.  For being 91 and in the hospital, I could immediately tell she was upset. I heard a tenor in her voice that I haven't heard in years.

Later that day, DS got the notice for the hearing on Tuesday from the court.  BM is asking to have intermediaries changed.  She feels that DH and I are a threat to GD's safety....I won't go into details why here, but apparently it's only become an issue within the past 2 weeks.  We did ALL the exchanges EOW from June of last year until then with no problems whatsoever.  And guess who she wants to have for intermediaries....yup, my brother and SIL.  My brother has never been thru the family court system so he has absolutely NO clue what he's getting into.  My SIL has been thru a divorce, but her ex wanted nothing to do with the kids, so she really doesn't have a clue, either.

So yesterday DH and I went to church.  We sat in the last pew and my B, SIL and nephew were sitting about 4 pews ahead of us, with GD.  They realized quickly that we were there and made sure that GD didn't see us.  If she had, she would have most certainly pitched a holy fit.  She loves us both, but absolutely ADORES her Grandpa and she would have done everything possible to get to him.  Fine...at least we got to see her from afar. During the service, at the time to greet others, my nephew purposely came back to DH and I to shake our hands.  That told me he does not condone what his parents are doing...to do that in front of his parents took guts.  We left immediately after the service...we could have stayed, as they were having a potluck, but we're not about to stoop to their level.

Then we went to see Mom....one of the first comments she made was that she wanted B, SIL and BM in front of her so she could shake them.  That's my mom's way of saying she's pissed.  She also said she'd like to talk to B alone and said 'Do you think he'd listen to his mother?'  I told her I didn't know, but it might make him even more mad at me.  I point blank asked her what did I ever do to him to make him so mad at me and why is he holding a grudge against DS for over 15 years?  Of course, she didn't have an answer.  But we also realized that my brother is trying to block me from any decision-making having to do with Mom.  He has sole medical and legal POA on Mom and may be sole executor on her will.  The last time she had updated it was after my dad passed away, in 1991, so she can't remember.  Before we left, she pointedly told me 'I want you on EVERYTHING', so she will have to make new POA's and I have to check with her atty. to find out the executor status on her will...that may have to be changed, too.  I have a feeling that the POA's and her will are in her safe box at home....but since B and SIL have her purse and keys while she's in the hospital, only they have access to it.

Then tomorrow, DS, DH and I have to defend ourselves in court.........we'll see how that goes.........

[MixedBag]

hugs!

[ocean]

Breathe...we know how you feel, going to court with PB next week again...same old  but still....

Do not agree with brother doing exchanges as their is a family feud, if PB doesnt want you any longer than find an alternate party or you do it at a public exchange (police station or place with cameras).

File a violation on the RO....is that is family court too?

[Kitty C.]

Had the hearing this morning......BM gave a long statement about being fearful about her and GD's safety, but when the judge asked her if the current custody arrangement was okay with her, she said yes. 

DS made a good point, in that the 'alcohol-related accidents and surgeries' BM is so concerned about happened FOUR MONTHS before the original order was written.  The judge knows that the exchanges were going just fine until 2 weeks ago.  I know I will eventually get into it with B and SIL and I know their biggest complaint will be me calling law enforcement twice.  I will tell them that if the situation would have been reversed and they were just as concerned about BM's and GD's wellbeing because they didn't know what was going on, I would have expected them to do the same.

The judge said he would have a decision either later today or tomorrow.....

[ocean]

Hate the waiting but at least it will be today or tomorrow..that is pretty fast in family court world.

Did you guys offer some other arrangements so the judge has some other options? I could see the judge changing it to something else just because BM is not allowing visits and to make the custody arrangement to work out.

[MixedBag]

best wishes!

[Kitty C.]

Ocean, since BM and DS were representing themselves....and didn't know that if they wanted anyone else heard, they had to ask to have them sworn in....no one else was able to make a statement.

DS already got the decision....the NCO has been continued.  Would love to know the judge's reasoning behind that, since the first one was never violated and it was solely based on her statement of 'being afraid', tho I don't know of what. But we don't know what the conditions are yet...the clerk of court said they were mailing that out, so DS should have that in the next day or 2.

What gets to me is that if the judge does change intermediaries to my B and SIL, then GD will have to be exchanged TWICE every time.....BM to B or SIL, then B or SIL to either DS, DH or I.  And if that does happen, I can see my B and SIL demanding that it be only DS who does the exchanges with them, just so they can try to get under his skin.  If that happens, DS will have no choice but to file for contempt.  I WILL insist to DS that exchanges should be done in a public place with cameras.  But unfortunately, we live in a very rural small town.....I'd have to look around to see if there's any business with cameras in the area.  Otherwise, there's a police station not far from BM's apt. (she lives in a larger city about 20 miles from us....it's also where DS and I work) where exchanges could be done.

Praying to God that we get GD this weekend.....

[MixedBag]

or someone always goes with him....with a video camera mounted on the dashboard pointed at them...

Take a cheaper GO PRO and start playing with it.

Or buy a bodycam.

Technology has so changed....from back in the day...

[ocean]

I have found that judge will keep RO until they see things calm down. The RO is between who (BM and  ?)
Can you go down and get a copy yourself so you know what is up for this weekend?

[Kitty C.]

It's not a typical restraining order, just no contact with a temp custody schedule in it.  It's between BM and DS.  If BM was so worried about GD supposedly being in danger at our place due to 'alcohol', then why didn't she get a NCO for GD against us, too?  Because I know she can't....no evidence.

I know that the order may come in the mail either today or tomorrow.  Mail is pretty quick around here and I doubt that they would let me have a copy at the courthouse anyway.  We'll know soon enough....

Thanks for the reminder, MB....we may very well have to do that.

[MixedBag]

Maybe as a matter of strategy, dad needs to file to have the NCO lifted -- OR file to have a permanent parenting plan established in Family Court and have the NCO lifted that way. 

Which court issued the NCO?  (In WV it would have been the magistrates court -- not family court)

[Kitty C.]

It is magistrate court, MB.

Got a text msg from my B yesterday morning that they would be out of the are this weekend and would be in touch next week.  Then last night we got the order in the mail......intermediaries have been changed to B and SIL.    It also says all other details of original order stay in place and that it takes effect immediately.  When I found this out, I texted B to find out if they were going to do the exchange before they left.  His response was they are already out of state and would be in touch next week.  I informed him they are in violation of the CO and quoted the order to him.  no response until after 10 last night from my SIL.  She stated that they talked to a deputy and that he told them they could go by the original order that says it starts on July 11th.....but it also says 2015.  She also sent a picture of the original order where that is stated, which was sent to her by BM.

I texted to her that LE cannot interpret civil orders, only the court can.  And if DS would have had GD last weekend, since the original order WAS still in effect then, it wouldn't be an issue this weekend.  I also told her that she should contact the clerk of court today to find out and reminded her again that the new order takes effect immediately.

I have a gut feeling that they took GD out of state.  I am going over to the courthouse at lunch to pick up copies of both the original and revised orders.  I think there was a clause in the original that the child could not go out of state without permission from BOTH parents.  If they've taken her OOS, they are in deep doo-doo......   

[MixedBag]

did you get the original order and find the clause??

[Kitty C.]

I did....there's nothing in there that the child cannot go out of state without both parents' permission.  Hopefully DS is filing for contempt today, if he can get to the courthouse on time.  The day after a major holiday weekend is pretty busy for his job.

Another wrinkle....they are taking things of my mother's that aren't theirs.  My sister and I went to my mother's apt. on Sat. and found her glider rocker and hickory willow bough rocker gone.  They were the only other ones who have a key, besides the manager.  Mom had told us kids a long time ago that she didn't want us fighting over anything when she's gone, so if we wanted something, we had to put our name on it.  My name is on the bottom of the willow bough rocker....it's almost 65 years old.  My sister wanted the glider rocker.  I asked Mom if she thought they knew those rockers were spoken for and she said she thought they did.  They will have to answer to her about that.....

[MixedBag]

time to change the locks...

[Kitty C.]

I wish I could, MB.....but her apt. is in a retirement community where they all have the same type of door locks.  As a vol. EMT, our unit has a master key in case we need to get in on emergency.  Considering we will have to move her stuff out within the next few weeks, I doubt that the mgmt. would allow us to do that.

Did my very first legal document last night...the affidavit to show cause for contempt.  DS just has to take it to the courthouse to get it filed.  Unfortunately, he can't do it today due to work.  I hope he can find time tomorrow to do it.

[MixedBag]

Would management allow a re-key then particularly if you tell them her stuff is being stolen?

[ocean]

Also here anyone can drop off petitions at the clerk office in family court. Can also be mailed ..

[Kitty C.]

They already had the locks changed!  I went to Mom's apt. after work last night to pick up some things for her and my key didn't work.  So I called the manager and she told me my B and SIL had it changed yesterday!  So DH and I go over to see Mom and they were there.  Their excuse:  so that no one (meaning me) can just arbitrarily go in and take whatever they want, that 'they' have to be present.  I also have to call Mom's atty. back....they said that having 2 names on a POA is unnecessary....if that's the case, why didn't the atty. tell me that last week?

B asked where Mom's silver flatware was...I told him that Mom gave me permission to take it.  His beef?  There's antique spoons from my great-grandmother in there and B was certain that DS would find them and pawn them!

I tried talking to my B, but he stormed out.  I was able to talk to my SIL and she promised to bring GD to us tomorrow night around 6 pm and pick her up from us Sunday night around 6 pm.  And that she would make sure I would be kept in the loop regarding decision-making about Mom.  Then she told me what I expected all along...BM and GD are now living with them.  SIL says that BM claims to 'be afraid' of us and I have NO clue as to why.  Intimidation was brought up and then it dawned on me one thing BM may have been worried about.  In Dec. and Jan., GD came to us with SEVERE diaper rash, almost to the point of blistering.  By the time we would take her back (in just 2 days) it would be noticeably better, but 2 weeks later, it would be bad again.  BM apparently told SIL that the pediatrician said GD had an allergy to the diapers (Huggies, which we still use), but if that was the case, why would the rash be clearing up by the time she leaves us?  I know the doctor didn't say that....it was BM's way of deflecting blame.  I'm a vol. EMT and a mandatory reporter...DH and I told her that it HAS to get resolved or we would be forced to report it.  Well, it got resolved...but now every time GD comes to us, she's incredibly thirsty!  I have a suspicion that a lot of it had to do with the daycare.  They weren't changing her enough, then they just stopped giving her liquids as much so they wouldn't have to change her so often.

When B stormed out last night, DH followed shortly after.  Later, DH told me what they talked about.  Apparently Mom had talked to them about all of us getting together with our pastor to get things out in the open and start the healing process.  B told DH that there better be a cop there.....obviously his anger towards DS goes to the core and Lord only knows if it will ever be resolved.  But I will do my best to facilitate it in any way I can.  As for the issues regarding Mom, I'm about ready to throw up my hands and tell them to do whatever they want....it's not worth fighting over.  They still say that my dad would be proud of what they're doing and I totally disagree.  Dad never held a grudge in his life and if he were here, I know it would have NEVER reached this far.  All I know is that B and SIL are conspiring with BM to severely control DS and us in our time with GD.  DS must file for custody soon, or he will end up being only a visitor in his child's life and our time with her will be controlled completely.

Sorry about the rant....don't really have any place else to vent about this....  Compared to DH's issues with SS's BM years ago, that was a piece of cake compared to this.   

[MixedBag]

Hugs GF!!!!

[Kitty C.]

Good news.....we did get to see GD this past weekend! My SIL brought her to us Friday night and picked her up Sunday evening.  And when she came to pick up GD, she had the willow bough rocker with her!  I told her that I had said they could keep it, but she told me it was my brother's decision as they are taking another large piece of furniture.  I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth and will not look into this for any other meaning....just take it at face value and be grateful. 

Since I will be gone the 21st thru 25th and DS will be on call that weekend, I asked SIL if we could switch weekends with BM.  She got back to me yesterday and said that BM was fine with that. So now, after not seeing GD for a month, we get to see her 2 weekends in a row!

As for the rest of it (the POA's, will, and Mom's property at her apt.), I'm just letting that go.  I had to do that for my peace of mind and to be able to live with myself.  I just hope that my brother can be civil enough to be able to work together to go thru her things.

[Kitty C.]

Wow.....it goes from bad to worse.  I had asked last month to trade weekends, since I was out of town on the 23rd-24th.  I was told by my SIL that it wouldn't be a problem....I even mentioned that we would then have GD on the last weekend of July and the first weekend of Aug....she agreed.  So last Thurs., I texted her to find out when she would drop off GD to us on Friday. I was told by SIL that she wouldn't.  When I told her that this had been agreed to, she said she remembered that, but BM 'doesn't want to keep trading weekends, so this is the way it will stay.'  I told her to inform BM that her unwillingness to work with the father and denial of parenting time will not look good on her when a permanent custody order is being negotiated.  No response and no GD last weekend.

Then Sunday we went to church...it was the 150th anniversary and the church was packed.  We sat in the back row and I soon realized that B, SIL, GD and my mom (in a wheelchair) were about 10 rows ahead of us.  When it came time for Communion, SIL went up front with the praise band and B passed off GD to another parishioner (whom I know well) so he could take my mom forward.  So when it came time for me to go up, I had to walk right by GD.  She saw me right away, said 'Grandma!' and put her arms out to me.  I certainly wasn't going to tell her no...I didn't want her to pitch a fit in church, so I figured I could carry her through communion and hand her back to either B, SIL or the other parishioner. 

I walk up to one of the clergy when I feel GD being lifted out of my arms....it was my brother!  I was so stunned that I couldn't say anything and just turned back to the clergy, who had a question on his face like what just happened.  When I got back to DH, he said that as soon as I took GD in my arms, SIL was waving at B to go get GD.  Mind you, this all happened literally right in front of God and the entire congregation!  I have no idea what they were thinking....that I would leave with her? DH said that they probably think the no contact order between DS and BM also includes us and GD and it doesn't.  There is nothing stopping DH or I from seeing, playing or holding GD at any other time other than DS's weekends.  The lady who was sitting next to DH and I (and was right behind me in the communion line) asked 'Isn't she your granddaughter?'  When I told her yes, she asked what just happened.  I told her that it's a long story, but suffice it to say that my B and SIL hate me.

And GD's 2nd birthday is on Sept. 3rd.  I figured out why BM doesn't want to switch weekends anymore...because right now, she will have GD for EVERY major holiday for the rest of the year except for New Year's Eve.  So since GD's birthday falls on a weekend DS can't have her, will they make an accommodation to allow him to see her, even if it's part of a day?  And if she offers the same thing as Father's Day (TWO HOURS!), I will tell her that's a slap in the face.  I plan to start contacting BM next week via text....there's nothing legal that says I cannot contact her.  And if I get no response, I will stop at her work place.  And if they (BM, B and SIL) refuse to address it, it's one more violation to add to the contempt order we already have filled out and just waiting to file.  I told DS that we should wait until after GD's birthday....because if they refuse for her birthday, we will then have 4 violations of the no contact order and it was only updated at the end of June.  So if this is the way they are going to operate (doing their best to keep GD out of DS' and grandparents lives), they will have to answer for it in court.

And sooner or later, I will have to confront my B and SIL about all this....because I get this impression that they're trying to drag my name thru the mud.  We live in a very rural, tight-knit community and I am a vol. EMT....if they are trying to slander my name, they will answer for that, too.

Thank you for letting me vent.....

[MixedBag]

hugs!!!