Do we have to let him go away with her?

[mommie2trev]

My husband is the CP of his three year old son.  His son was taken from the BM by the state of Arkansas ( we live in Georgia) because of alleged abuse and drug abuse.We have had custody since last March. In the final court order it stated that the BM could visit the child and could excersise overnight visitation as long as it is no farther than 50 miles from childs home and as long as she demonstrates that she is drug free.

My questions are: How do we insure she is drug free?
2.Could we give her one of those at home drug tests?
3.And if she refuses to take one, can we refuse to let him go away with her?
4.And since it has been almost a year since she has seen him (she rarely calls, didnot send him anything for his b'day or Christmas) could we refuse to let him go on a overnight visit based on the fact he doesn't really know her?

Any help you could give me would be helpful. The bm is planning a visit in March. And with her track recored we doubt she will come  but she is always full of surprises.

[Indigo Mom]

And request that the Court appoint a GAL (guardian ad litem).

-----My questions are: How do we insure she is drug free? -----

This is where a GAL comes in.  The mother would take her drug tests...then she'd turn the papers over to the GAL, who then gives her the go-ahead for parenting time.

-----2.Could we give her one of those at home drug tests? -----

She'll laugh in your face because there's no one "official" to declare her "clean" or dirty.  

-----3.And if she refuses to take one, can we refuse to let him go away with her?-----

This is where the Court has screwed your husband.  There's not a 3rd party involved to take care of these tests...or lack of tests.  What do your papers say?  Who does she show the tests to?  Get back to court and get a GAL.

-----4.And since it has been almost a year since she has seen him (she rarely calls, didnot send him anything for his b'day or Christmas) could we refuse to let him go on a overnight visit based on the fact he doesn't really know her?-----

Back to court.  Request the GAL to check out the drug issue, plus, request supervised parenting time because the young child needs some time to "get to know" his mother again.

I have dealt with the drug issue...and it can NOT be "solved" between the parents.  A GAL needs to be on this case to help.  You need this person to document her failure to take tests, her failing the tests, or her taking them and passing.  

Here's what I would suggest...once you get a GAL.  Suggest one supervised meeting either once a month, or once every two weeks...whatever everyone agrees on.  During this time, get the courts to order weekly RANDOM drug testing for the mother.  When she's been "clean" for 3 months...get the court to give her unsupervised parenting time.

Did I forget to mention that you need to get a GAL?  lol

[mommie2trev]

Well this has been a complicated case from the start. The Bm now resides in Tennesee. The original order is in Arkansas. And we live in Georgia. I believe since my ss has been here a year that Georgia can now retain jurisdiction. She may call him once a month(if that), she really has no intrest in him. She doesn't pay support(wasn't ordered to)and she doesn't have a job, so we can't take her back and get it. (or can we?)
The court order states that she has to demonstrate to us ( my dh and I) that she is drug free. Doesn't state how she is to demonstrate that.With her living in TN, she would not be able or willing to come even once a month. This is the first time in almost a year that she will have even seen him. She has made no efforts to help us in any way with him. Our biggest wish would to have her rights terminated so I could adopt him. She has two other children by different men. The oldest boy,his dad has full custody of him. And the youngest, she gave up rights during the same case with my ss. Why she didn't go ahaead and give up rights to him I will never know.

Sorry this is so long. Thought I would give you a little more info on the case. How do I go about doing all this? Do you think taking her to court to terminate her rights would be a good thing?

[wallyworld85]

YES you can go to the courts for child support.  Because she doesn't have a job they will impute min. wage.  Okay, I just checked the figures based on 5.25 an hour 40 hours a week.  She will be ordered to pay 155-209 per month.  Not a lot BUT a lot more than youre getting now!

If you go through you local child support agency it is usually free of charge.

My though is that if she really is a dead beat when you go for child support, she'll get scared she'll actually have to support her child.  

To get out of child support she may be VERY willing to let you adopt him.  I say go for it.  

And you are right, seeing that your step son has lived in GA for at least six months, Georgia now has jurisdiction.  So it will be done in your state. Maybe you'll luck out an BM wont drive for the court date.

[Indigo Mom]

Oh!

You need to petition the Courts in your state to take jurisdiction.  I'm sure you can do this, but I must ask...can you "prove" he's lived in GA for a year?  If so...get it to court.

If she's not paying support because she's not working and it wasn't ordered, you can go back and get it ordered.  She'll be imputed minimum wage...but then you have to consider...will she pay it?  Probably not.  That's an issue you need to consider.  

However, wallyworld is right, you "could" use it as "leverage" (though I despise that word) if your hub really does want to terminate her rights.  (don't go there...yet)

-----The court order states that she has to demonstrate to us ( my dh and I) that she is drug free. Doesn't state how she is to demonstrate that.-----

What an idiot this Judge is.  She has to show you she's clean but there's no examples of what she's to do?  That kind of screws both you and the ex.  GAL.  Get one.  When you petition for GA to take jurisdiction, make sure you request one of those.  

-----Thought I would give you a little more info on the case. How do I go about doing all this? Do you think taking her to court to terminate her rights would be a good thing?-----

First, don't think of terminating her rights just yet.  It's best if mom straightens out, cleans up, and becomes some sort of stable "being" in her sons life.  Request the random weekly drug test. and supervised parenting time.  I surely wouldn't send my child off with a drug addict that hasn't seen him in a year.

[mommie2trev]

Thaks so much to the two of you for your help. It has gave me alot of insight. Not sure if letting her straighten out is going to do any good. It has been two years since all this started and she hasnt straightened out yet. When we were in the middle of court she did manage to straighten out for about 2 months. Thanks again for your advice. Now we know what we can do.

[hotforjimmy]

Hi, I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I am new here looking for help when I read your post. First off in Georgia as you are you cannot refuse visitation for any reason. She can take you to court for contempt. No you can't make her take a drug test. So your choices are very limited. My husband and I are going through this right now. We have custody of his daughter, mom hasn't visited in 3 years and we were told by the Judge that she could see her it didn't matter. To make matters worse at this point our attorney has told us that if the Judge is really angry at us she can reverse custody. So tread on eggshells, keep great records, and most of all pray for the best. My SD is with her mother this weekend and my nerves are in a giant turmoil!! Good Luck!
Kim

[mommie2trev]

This woman has a long history of drug abuse (crystal meth for one) She has been on drugs since she was 12 and she will soon be 30. She also has been known to go on one of her drug binges while she has her kids. I will not let him go with her if she cannot demonstrtae to us that she is drug free. The co states she is to prove she is drug free. Since it didn't tell us how, We will use what makes us all comfortable. I have been around enough drug addicts to know that the signs aren't always visable.

[Indigo Mom]

-----No you can't make her take a drug test. So your choices are very limited-----

Wrong.  "You" can't make her take a drug test, but the courts can.  My ex has been a drug addict for YEARS...and the 1st GAL said "it would be against his civil rights to force him to take a mandatory drug test"...but that, too, was wrong, as the 3rd GAL got them.  The Judge ordered weekly, random drug testing...across the spectrum, plus hair follicle tests.  

You're not limited in your choices about anything...ya just don't "know" about other choices until you ask.  Pretty tricky, this whole custody mess, isn't it?

[hotforjimmy]

>-----No you can't make her take a drug test. So your choices
>are very limited-----
>
>Wrong.  "You" can't make her take a drug test, but the courts
>can.  My ex has been a drug addict for YEARS...and the 1st GAL
>said "it would be against his civil rights to force him to
>take a mandatory drug test"...but that, too, was wrong, as the
>3rd GAL got them.  The Judge ordered weekly, random drug
>testing...across the spectrum, plus hair follicle tests.  
>
>You're not limited in your choices about anything...ya just
>don't "know" about other choices until you ask.  Pretty
>tricky, this whole custody mess, isn't it?


So sorry for being the newbie and not understanding. I just know from experience in the georgia court we are dealing with that the Judge will not for any reason order drug testing, we have tried. We got DFCS to do the drug test and that won't work now for us because the child lives with us. So I won't respond to anything I don't understand in the future. I'm just glad I found this place to understand that we are not alone because I thought we were.

[Indigo Mom]

-----I just know from experience in the georgia court we are dealing with that the Judge will not for any reason order drug testing, we have tried. -----

I learned that, too!  My ex is a crack addict!  Crack, for crying out loud!!!!  I only got drug testing ordered 13 months ago!!!!  It took 6 years to get it ordered...because I didn't "know" I could.  The courts aren't going to "volunteer" this information...would make the Judges job harder.  Judges don't like to work, which is why they wear "robes" to court.  I'm convinced under those robes are jammies!  ;)

-----We got DFCS to do the drug test and that won't work now for us because the child lives with us. -----

Well, even though the child IS living with you, you have the RIGHT to demand "clean" drug screens before the child visits the drug addicted parent.  No one is going to tell you this...cept someone who's been there, done that.  Get a Guardian Ad Litem.  Get that person to see there's a drug problem, that person can recommend to the Judge random drug testing...and since Judges always go with what the GAL says...there's your drug testing.  That's what you want.

-----So I won't respond to anything I don't understand in the future. -----

You best start posting about things you don't understand!  How ya gonna learn about it?  I know I sound rude, but I truly wasn't trying to slam you.  I'm sorry I came across that way.  I'm "for" you, not against you.

When people post on a message board, other people who read it can NOT get the "emotions" or feelings behind it.  It's very easy to "think" you're being attacked.  I'm sorry, and will try to post more clear next time!

[hotforjimmy]

>-----We got DFCS to do the drug test and that won't work now
>for us because the child lives with us. -----
>
>Well, even though the child IS living with you, you have the
>RIGHT to demand "clean" drug screens before the child visits
>the drug addicted parent.  No one is going to tell you
>this...cept someone who's been there, done that.  Get a
>Guardian Ad Litem.  Get that person to see there's a drug
>problem, that person can recommend to the Judge random drug
>testing...and since Judges always go with what the GAL
>says...there's your drug testing.  That's what you want.
>
>The GAL on the case wouldn't ask for testing because he is afraid of pissing off the Judge. He wouldn't even ask for supervised visits. We can't afford another GAL at this time so for now we are playing her game.

>-----So I won't respond to anything I don't understand in the
>future. -----
>
>You best start posting about things you don't understand!  How
>ya gonna learn about it?  I know I sound rude, but I truly
>wasn't trying to slam you.  I'm sorry I came across that way.
>I'm "for" you, not against you.
>
>When people post on a message board, other people who read it
>can NOT get the "emotions" or feelings behind it.  It's very
>easy to "think" you're being attacked.  I'm sorry, and will
>try to post more clear next time!
>
>I didn't think you were attacking me I just didn't want to offend anyone that has been here, I need you and don't want to hurt any feelings. I can be pretty harsh myself, and I don't go into court with attitude I just go in with my head high!! Thanks for the encouraging words! Good Luck to you and yours!!!
>
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>
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>

[mommie2trev]

I am sorry as well if I came off rude. I wasn't trying to be that way. Even through all this everyone has been concerened about the BM and it pisses me off. She is the one that had her children taken away form her because of drugs and abuse. And they treat her like she is a saint. I am the one that is there for him when he is sick,or has a nightmare,or just wants to be held. I have no problem with her visiting him here at my home until they get to know each other better.I have no problem including her in family functions.

How do I go about getting a GAL involved? We have no money for an attorney. We are still trying to recover from the many trips we took to Arkansas to get custody of him in the first place. I truly don't want to be one of these parents that can't work with the other parent. I don't want to have to get a  CO for everything we do. And I may be jumping the gun. But I would like all my bases covered. The BM had a whole year to straighten up to get her kids back. She couldn't do it. She gave one up for adoption(not my husbands child) and we have our ds.

Again I am sorry if i came off rude. I am touchy when it comes to all this.I truly do have my ss best intrests at heart. I want him to be apart of his BM life but not at the expense of risking his.