Hi all...
A little background: I'm 28, first time and single mama to a 9 month old boy. His father and I dated for all of 3 weeks. 2 days prior to my 27th birthday, he broke up with me for reasons then unclear to me. (still kind of unclear but irrelevant at this point) -I suppose. In anycase, on the morning of my birthday, I found out that I was pregnant. When I showed him the results of my test, he flipped. He told me that I was on my own, and he wanted nothing to do with it. He said he'd never get back together with me, and TOOK me back to the doctor to make an appointment for an abortion.
Obviously, I didn't go through with it. I told him I would keep the baby, and that he should think about whether or not he wanted to be a part of the baby's life. I left him alone. didn't pressure him, wanted him to be there ONLY if he TRULY wanted to. and I've always dreamt of being a mom. I was excited, so I asked him to please just let me enjoy my pregnancy.
That being said...my pregnancy was the extreme opposite of enjoyable. He came in and out of my life. Our interaction was limited, but PAINFUL without fail. He was very authoritative and always used intimidation tactics to have his way. While I was miserable in his presence, I for the most part just swallowed it all and tried to keep him close...not at all in hopes of getting back together, but in hopes that we could establish an; at the very least, civilized relationship. --keeping the baby in mind, I told him we had 9 months to become the best of friends, but of course we fought everytime we spoke or emailed. I've always made an extra effort and made it a priority to keep him involved/ aware/ and accessible to everything having to do with the baby, even when he's been manipulative, and inconsiderate. I've never bad mouthed him to anyone. I promised him that I wouldn't ever shut the door on him, and that I understood that he wasn't ready to be a dad and if at the time he decided that he couldn't be there, that I wouldn't hold it against him if he decided to come around later.
I haven't changed my mind about that. I still always treat him with respect even though he's treated me so bad. I even allowed the guy to be in the delivery room cuz I felt like somewhat of an A$$HOLE denying him the chance to witness his son's birth.
Here's the problem: While I've made every effort to keep him involved with his son from since his birth. example: I thought he'd feel better about being around if he felt like he had some kind of tie to our son, so I named the baby after him, making his middle name same as his fathers. but, His father has by choice limited his visits to Sundays 2-3 hours for the first few months and recently increased to 5 hours. He's very demanding about the times too...not flexible at all unless it's him making a request for change -
at 3 months, he requested that he get to take the baby on overnight visits.
I said no. My concerns were: through no fault of his own, 1. that he's not family oriented but as a result of that has no respect for women, 2. that he lives with 3 other guys (it's a frat-like environment), 3. The biggest reaason of all: He's got absolutely NO experience with children
I realize that it was unfair of me to judge him, but I didn't know him, and at that point any and all credibility had been lost during the pregnancy, I didn't trust him anymore. So I suggested, that we work up to overnight visits. I suggested that he come around more often, I offered to take the baby to his place, I asked that he take a parenting class, I even offered to take one WITH him. all of which he thought was unreasonable. and so the threats of taking me to court began.
He finally filed in December for joint
legal custody w/ visitation, giving me
physical custody. He to this day has not taken a parenting class. When he arrives to my house for visitation, he's disruptive of what ever activity our son is engaged in (sleeping, eating, playing...doesn't matter to him). Our son CRIES the second he sees him now. It wasn't as bad a couple of months ago... Our son was sensitive to him, a little fussy, but that behavior has increased as he's gotten older. At first my opinion of this was simply that our son didn't recognize him, definitely didn't know him as his father, and that Dad really just didn't know how to comfort our son. Now, our son cries 90% of the visit and I don't know what to do. While I want to encourage them to spend time together, and leave the room so that they have time to themselves, it kills me to hear my son so unhappy from 2 rooms away. I'm stuck in a tough place. I dont' want to interfere with their visit, but dads parenting skills just plain suck! That's the first issue. The next issue is that while dad claims to want to be able to spend time alone with the baby, he's contantly asking me for help. "..i think he's hungry" "...how do you check if the diaper's wet?" "what's up with him, why's he crying so much?" "how do you put the longsleeved ones on him?" It also concerns me, that his solution to the baby crying is always to head straight to the "jumpster". the baby used to love that thing. -not anymore- he yells if you even walk him toward it.
Through all of this, my requests have only been to increase the frequency of visitation and a parenting class.
Would a judge think i'm crazy for requesting
supervised visitation? OUr court date is coming up. -we already attempted mediation, but we failed miserably. I suggested a step up plan and parenting class, I even offered to pay for 3rd party supervision, since now all of a sudden, he doesn't want the visits to take place in my home, but he implied to the mediator that if I were to pay for the 3rd party, then that the 3rd party could potentially be in cahoots with me and make partial judgement on him. So the mediator suggested he pay for it since it's his time anyway.
Whatdoido? I don't even know why i'm writing on here, guess i needed to vent! does anyone think i'm crazy for suggesting that he take a parenting class and that we work our way up to overnight stays? I mean, I've always been supportive and encouraged a relationship between the two, had he taken a parenting class at 3months, he'd be having overnight stays by now, but he's fought me on everything, and now, he's saying that he's willing to battle me for custody in court since he's got nothing to lose. He said originally that the only reason he didn't fight for
sole custody was because he "didn't have time". and another thing, he originally and by his own accord paid $350 in CS. then he lowered it to $300. now that he filed in court, he's worried that CS will come up and he's been trying to manipulate me into making a deal with him on CS outside of court. I refused. -I've NEVER asked him for a dime, I didn't want it to be about money. just wanted him to be around for his son. anyway, I told him that he changed the dynamics of this whole agreement, so he needed to deal. I actually opened a CS case through the CSS because this month he instead of sending me a check for $300 he sent me a check for $254 without any explanation. what the hell is he deducting???