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Will this hurt his chance's for more visitations with the court?

Started by sherrie ohio, Aug 15, 2005, 07:25:00 AM

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sherrie ohio

My husband gave his thoughts on a situation at BM home.Their child lives with BM and we have her some weeknds.(two or three)My husband walk into her home and there was a nasty smell.(real nasty)My husbands statement was god whats that smell?Come to find out they had three cats and two dogs in the house using the bathroom on the carpet and alot of other things.We had wondered what was on the childs clothing before hand that always smelled.BM stated she didnt know how to get the animals to stop.When my husband saids i'll tell what i'd do, put the things outside were they belong and you wont have the problem.Which upset her and things have been real cold shoulder like,worse than they are usely .Whould the court see this as harassment.He was concern about it health wise.What i have written is his full statement to BM.What are your thoughts?

joni


I think mom should be worried, not DH.  If I were mom I'd be worried about 1) child protective services showing up "un"announced or 2) animal control showing up "un"announced.

not that I'm suggesting any of the above............

sherrie ohio

Husband dropped by BM home this evening to drop off some school clothes for their daughter.BM and 2 husband are ripping up carpet in frontroom,hallway and kids bedroom.Said they are going to do some home improvements.Cats are outside,dogs are still in the house.I say they got scared.My husbands happy the cats are out,but wonders how long it will last.They had cleaned the yard up some to!

dontunderstand

That is "eminent harm to the child"  at least in our state.  Our BM had similar animal issues .  I work with a CPS case worker recently and he said that it is "eminent harm to the child", NEEDS to be reported and will be followed up by CPS... I say if it happened once, it will probably happen again~get help for your child!  NO ONE not even the animals should live in that environment...

sherrie ohio

School has started here,well on friday evening i go to the bus stop to pick up our son.When he gets off the bus there's his sister to.I asked her how come she came on her brothers bus here?She tells me thats what her mom told her to do.That her mom had talked to dad,and told her to come here.Her mom had called and spoke to my husband ,but  he told her we were going to a hospital to see someone(a three hour drive to a  trama unit)and we couldnt take her.But would pick her up saturdayif that was okay?.And would gladely take her friday after school next week.(Mom was wanting a  night out.)She seem to agree to the plan.Well i guess the night out was important.What scared us and made us mad,i almost made arangements for my brother to pick my son up at the school,what would have happen to her if i hadnt been here?Mom calls a hour later said she didnt tell her to come,but wanted to know if we wanted to keep her for the night?My step-daughter asks to stay,so my husband cancels plans to go to the hospital.Mom knows my husband cant say no to their daughter.We went to town later for a bite and her mother wasnt home.I guess her night out more important than their daughter!!Realy getting tired of the roller coaster.

dontunderstand

That is so horrible!  What are these people thinking when they are playing games with their children and their minds?  
Our BM just told SD that she can't love me and now she is refusing to tell us she loves us.  We tell her and she says "thanks"  WHAT?  DD was talking to SD and telling her what we are going to do this weekend, and SD says (with someone whispering in the background)  "i'm not interested"  that so sounds like a 7yr old huh?  WHATEVER!  DD (5) was pretty upset.  They have no clue what or who they are hurting....or maybe they do and they just don't care.

sherrie ohio

The bus stop is close to the main road,she could have gotten hit or picked up by some stranger.And all our neighbors and friends that she knows in our town,were still working or headed to the trama unit to.There wouldn't have been anyone's house for her to go to that she knew was safe.I and my husband mother told him its time for him to go to court and at lease get a shedule down so hopefully it doesnt happen again.My husband afaid if he gets nasty it will seem like he doesnt want to see his daughter.It wasnt that at all.We were going to see a good friend and neighbor,that had a nasty car crash.Hopefully things change soon. I hope things change for the better, for you to!!!

sherrie ohio

She hasn't called yet to see when we were bringing her home.And when my husband tried to call her and let her know,no one answered.Sorry i'm steamed and i really needed to vent.I'm tired of a shedule centered around the needs of the BM.My husband works hard to provide for this family and hers to.And by the time we pay our bills,child support,doctor bills(my doctor bills) and all the extra's she ask for their daughter,we are barely makeing it to next pay check.We dont have the money for a lawyer.So my husband thinks we just have to deal with it.I'm going gray just thinking about it all.Sorry i just needed to do some venting.

dontunderstand

You can vent anytime.  Sometimes that is all that helps us get through the day!  My prayers are with you...
I think that something you can let your DH know is that it isn't him getting nasty by getting a set schedule!  It is him protecting that little being that obviously doesn't have anyone else doing that for her.  Not only will it maybe prevent this from happening again, and possibly save her live in doing so, but it will also give her some stability that she doesn't sound like she has with BM and something to look forward to!  
Also, I gotta tell you that it can really save you alot of hurt in the future.  Let's say this happens again and no one is there to get her, BM can say we had this set and they are just not fulfilling their obligations.  Then the responsibility is put on you guys as well as the reprecussions...that could be horrible!!!
I know it is hard when you are playing with someone that is 51 cards short of a full deck...if you ever want to talk...let me know!

sherrie ohio

I sometimes feel this isnt ever going to get better.We dont have the money to get a lawyer.Because it all goes out in bills,support ect.We cant get a public aid lawyer because of her and her husband are unemployed,and they have to take them as clients not us for that fact alone.(we've already been there)They dont take into efect that she makes as much a month as us.(in support)We mostly get her when BM wants us to.Half the time she comes dirty and smells,always hungry.I realy dont know what will become of this child.We met her last years teacher a while back,he knows the legal setup of the mother having legal custody.But he told us she(daughter) was showing sighns of a child that needed help.Info under the table so to speek.We dont know what to do next.Im sorry to vent to who ever reads this.Its just a release to get it out.THANKS!!




askray

One of the most important aspects of a child's development is stability and structure.  Without having a visitation agreement/parenting schedule in place, structure is almost impossible.

Not only would having a parenting plan help the child, but it would also allow you and DH to schedule appropriately, not having to give up what you want to do in your lives for the 'chance' to parent the child.

You shouldn't have to parent your child, (or step child), only when it's convienent for BM.  Children should rely on both parents whenever they need them, not when it's convienent for either parent.  *I'm trying to convince my daughter's mother of this and it is VERY difficult to get this concept across.

Is there any way you can file for a parenting plan pro se instead of hiring an attorney?

Maybe it would be worth sitting down with BM and writing out a schedule together before going to court.  If she's unagreeable, then you may have to resort to legal means.

Good luck, sounds like BM has some parenting/cleansliness/scheduling/selfishness issues and I know how that goes!

sherrie ohio

Yes,those are very important aspects.And she's not getting it from BM or this shedule.I honestly wonder alot how this child will turn out.I see reason for concern already.In this tug of war with her parents.There's sighn's of behavior problems that are very noticeable to everyone but mom.The child doesnt know how to control herself verbally or physically.It has been comented on by the one teacher we've gotten to speak to briefly,other kids she goes to school with and total strangers,along with people both parents know.She is a child im afaid that is going to feel the effects of the life she being raised in grately.Not less something changes soon!Money is short and the two of us need the guide book for dummies in this roller coaster we call visitaion's. Thanks for listening. For Any and all info given we're gratefull.I hope your ex problem straighten's out  for your daughters sake and yours.Dont let her call all the shots like my husband did in the start of this whole mess.GOOD LUCK!!

sherrie ohio

My husbands daughter comes for a weekend visit with nasty attitude.She informs us mom said she doesnt need to go to study course no longer.Stab at dad,he mention he thought it done some go for her to go.Daughter didnt like going because they made her do the work and study.Mother knew this and told her she didnt have to go,she is her boss not dad.His daughter then informs us she's alowed to eat cake,suckers ect. when ever she feels like it at mom's.She gets to stay up as late as she likes and watch what she likes.Said with nasty tone!!Which led a weekend filled with my mom said or i'm alowed at my mom's all weekend.To top it all off mom calls with her attitude on how she's doing everything right and we're doing nothing right.I swear it's a wonder if i dont have a hole in my lip from biteing it so much this past weekend.I wish i knew a way to get through to their daughter that we have rules for reasons.They are the same rules our son lives by every day.Mom is realy playing up to the child,wanting her to see her as the nicer parent.I told my husband to stick to his guns and raise her when she's here the way he thinks best.At lease he'll know he's tried.If anyone out there has dealt with this type of thing before and have advice please share.Thanks!!

dontunderstand

I so feel you!  I told DH this last weekend that I am so sick and tired of hearing, "My mom this and my mom that"  cause you KNOW BM is the PERFECT PARENT.  Ya, a perfect parent that is about to go to jail, a perfect parent that sent SD to school with unwashed uncombed hair (she is bi-racial and hair needs extra attention) shoes 1 and 1/2 sizes TOO SMALL and socks that were black as tar (they were bought white) with holes in them, and teeth not brushed (not good for someone that has a mouth full of silver)  DH and I were pissed!  Now how in the hell is that not neglect???? DH and I said nothing to BM, according to her it is all SD's responsibility (she's 7).  We just made her brush her teeth, shower, I did her hair and she had clean sox and a pair of shoes that fit. And to top it off SD was 15 min. late to school the 2ND DAY! (last year 60 absences and 40 tardies)  When does it end?  
Well that is my vent, now about the nasty attitude WE GET IT ALL THE TIME!  When we tried to send home a pair of her shoes from over here SD response was, "I am not supposed to take your stuff home"  (They were her's that we had for here)  WHAT???  We have our house rules and we just remind her that over there she can do whatever she wants, but here at this house we speak and act with respect and if you can't or unwilling to do that then there will be consequences.  And we stick to it!  It may take years, but I promise you that if you give her limits and boundries and a set of standards to live by she will respect you!  Kids CRAVE stability, limits and boundries.  That makes them feel like you care and they are a part of a family unit so to speak.  I work in a teen crisis center and I can not tell you how many times kids have said they feel their parents don't care because they have NO RULES and no boundries.  Be consistant is the best advise I can give you even when it is hard and you want to "out do" mom so that you can be the "good guys" for once!

sherrie ohio

BM called thursday evening wants dad to take their daughter this weekend and maybe everyweekend during school.I wonder what happen to us being so bad?Daughter tells our son,her teacher wants her to go to study course.( The One dad thought was a good idea.)Their daughter shows up here with dirty hair and she smell's.Tells me she the one that gets herself ready and out the door.(freely given info,never asked.)Among other info.I wish sometimes we could have her here and have the money to buy more for her,dress her better and make shure she's cleaned up'd.We dont have alot,but i always make shure our son is clean and wearing clothes that fit and clean.Wonder if the court system would look at a notebook if you had wrote down things in it like BM nasty phone calls and daughter comeing here smelling?We saved a real nasty message on the answering machine.It was a call of cussing and the whole nine yards along with their daughter;s voice in the background asking if she was talking to dad.Well my husband going to ask to attend parent-teacher con. when they happen,wonder how that will go down.I can almost guess.And the weekend isnt over yet!

sherrie ohio

Our son goes to the same school that my husband daughter does this year.We attended Open House at school a meet and greet for teachers and parents.We were going to begin with because of our son,but my husband wanted to meet his daughter teacher to.We didnt know if this was something he shouldnt do or not but he wanted info on how his daughter was doing,more than a just fine he gets from mom.We went to her class,walk in and he told the teacher who we were.Asked how his daughter was doing.Decussed were they thought she had some trouble at,and her strong points.My husband gave his name and number to the teacher,explained we have her now about 3 weekends.And if there was ever anything he could do to help please let him know.We are hopeing he did the right thing.He just got tired of not haveing eny info on what was going on.He didnt say one bad thing about mom.Did we do the right thing?This cant be seen as some invasion of BM rights?He just wanted to know...

dontunderstand

You did the RIGHT thing!  How is it an "invasion of mom's rights?"  He is SD's DAD!  BM did not have her all by herself, no matter what delutional world she lives in!  In the courts eyes (our attorney told us) they WANT to see BOTH parents involved in school!  If you ever have to go to court you can show the court that you are involved with SD and her education dispite ALL of the road blocks BM set!  Get involved in every aspect of her life, that you possibly can apparently BM is not!

sherrie ohio

On the way home from work my husband went pass BM home,wanting to know how a doctors apt.went of their daughters.She had been complaining of her side hurting.BM said it went well just growing pains.Mother states other childs father is no longer working and they are once again liveing on the child support she gets from my husband and food stamps.My husband asked why she cant get support from other father,he use to live out of state and they were able to get it from him.She states they dont know were he is.My husband then asked how does she and the support office know he moved out of state.She didnt have and answer for that,except i dont know.Then she tells him there's no water,she has no money untill his next payment comes.Could you please help me.Saids daughter needs this and some of that.Of course as soon as she said their daughter needs he handed her money.I think the whole thing was a line of bull to get money from him.That the other dad is most likely still paying,she just seen a chance to get a few extra bucks.What about getting a job? I worked till i got sick.While our son was in school i was at work.Burns my a.. that he works 40 plus hours to support both places and neither of them do anything.Wonder if their unstable income and new step-dad record could be something brought up in court?He been good sense they married but has a long........record.I'm so tired of dealing with this bull its and every other day soap opera liveing this close to them.Drop in complaints,e-mails and non stop phone calls.I truely need a vacation from my life......Sorry for the rant this is the only way of getting it of my chest.

msme

First of all, Going to school is great. I understand you are ill but since I don't know your limitations, I will suggest that you may be able to volunteer a few hours a week, if you are able. You don't have to help in her class, just be a presence at the school. get to know all the staff. Establish yourself as a good, caring person.

I did this & the day that my son's ex beat his little girl's face black & blue, they came running looking for me. Right now, I hold a 30 minute class every morning, teaching times tables to 4th graders who haven't learned them yet. I take 6 kids at a time & there is a waiting list to get into my class.

The next time she says that one of the utilities are off, Go to the court house & ask for an emergency Ex Parte order, giving you temporary custody. Call the police & ask that they meet you there as a peace keeping presence so you can transfer custody of your child.

Since she is pulling these things, I would prepare for it by collecting evidence of her neglect. Take lots of pics. If you don't have a video camera, invest in one or borrow one. Keep a log. Write down every contact & and phone call with the child or her mother.

Keep coming back here. This site is wounderful. You now have great info at your fingertips & lots of new friends. The mantra here is document, document, document.

If I were in your position,, I would take her up on having her every weekend during the school year. I would look at the parenting plans on this site & take one & modify it to meet your needs. Then I would send it to her to sign or make any changes. If you both can reach an agreement on it, send it to the court. If she won't sign, then give her an ultimatum. Either she agrees or you will take it to court. You can do it pro se.

Hope this helps, good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

sherrie ohio

We must have done the right thing going to his daughters teacher and meeting her.Frday evening after school my son handed us a note from his sisters teacher,updateing Dad that his daughter had gotten a detention and was having some other problems atitude wise.And if she was with us what her homework was for the weekend.BM told my husband earlyer this week when he asked, that he could pick up their daughter,on saturday morning.So he'll make shure its done and sighn it when she gets here.Teacher asked that he sighn it to.We are taking this as a good sighn.There's another event(meet and greet) at school next month we are going again.Keeping mouths shut about mom and asking questions about their daughter.

dontunderstand

That is great!  You can NEVER have to many 3rd party (not friends with you or mom) on your side!  The court tends to take their say as VERY important!!!  Keep pressing on, you are definately on the right track!

msme

meet the counselor, too. Arrange a private sit down & fill him/her in on the whole mess. No name calling but do make them aware of the facts & what your concerns are, as well as what you are trying to overcome.

School counselors are great assets in court & much easier to get in than teachers.Also make sure the child knows that the counselor is her friend & she can go talk to him/her anytime she needs someone to talk to.

Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

sherrie ohio

Ya it would be nice for her to have someone to talk to about everything that goes on.I know how i feel just dealing with this on an average of every other day.She most likely dont know where to turn.She's sleeping now after a late dinner and a GOOD bath.Her and our son has been to bed for a while,dad wore them out playing hide and seek in the yard.It's been a nice peacefull saturday.I hope sunday stays the same.May you all have a peaceful one to!