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someone watching children

Started by Davy, Mar 01, 2006, 03:26:37 PM

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army_dad

I was divorced in Oklahoma.  When my ex and I divorced I talked to several attorneys in that county and they all said the same thing....one gets custody and the other gets visiation....there was no shared parenting or even joint legal.  
My ex has custody.  She has jerked me around on visitation by denying me and taking off with the kids.  I filed contempt and for a custody reversal, attorney said its unlikely that I would get it for the first contempt but we had to start somewhere.  The judge fined her, and gave me a heck of a lot bettier visiation schedule than I had.  He also much to mine and my attorneys surprise ordered that all transportation be split 50/50...meaning I would get them and she would pick themup unless we agreed otherwise in writing.  I am in the military so I was theone who moved....due to military assignement so her attorney fought it, but the judge said he wasn't going to punish me by making me do all the transporation since I didnt willingly relocate and that she married had children and divorced me all while I was in the military.
Our order also says that the visiation schedule is at a minimum and that extra visitation in encouraged.  Everytime I ask for something extra she says no....then has had the nerve to send them off to her parents for a week at a time....the same week I have asked for.  When I asked my attorney he explained that she can legally do this on her time, and that when she had the kids  she could do what she wanted and when I had the kids I could do what I wanted and if either disagreed that much we woudl have to take it to court.  
Ok so when the kids were with me for 8 weekd during the summer I had to go TDY for 1 week.  I left the children with my wife and parents (kids grandparents) she told me she wouldnt allow this and I had to return them to her.
There is no Right of First Resual in our order and it says nothing about 3rd parties.
Am I not allowed to do this.?

Davy

Army Dad

Like your atty said "..when I had the kids I could do what I wanted .."

You may place the kids with wife and GP's !!!  You're doing great !!

Gram

I'm new to this whole custody/visitation thing, but isn't the purpose of visitation so the non-custodial parent can be with his/her children? If it's your visitation and you cannot spend it with the kids, shouldn't the custodial parent automatically have them? It seems to me that the kids should be with a parent whenever possible, instead of with a stepmom or even grandparents. Couldn't you work out a different week for your visitation, when you can actually be there?

army_dad

I would love to do that but my ex will not work with me at all.  The week I was gone was during my summer visitation which was a total of 8 weeks.  
Applying your thinking if she isnt going to be with the kids shouldnt they be with me?  
By the way we live 10 hours apart.
I understand what you are saying but the military doesnt work like alot of civilian jobs....you have to go when they tell you.

Sunshine1

DO NOT take that advice.  Your kids have as much right to spend time with Grandparents, Step-parents, extended family as they do with you. ( It is assumed they are not in danger with these people) They are ALL family, and you may entrust whomever you wish to take care of them while not with you.  Do you have any kids with your new wife?  They should be able to spend time building/bonding with their half siblings as well.

When it is your time, the Custodial parent does not have the right to dictate what you do with your time and who you spend it with unless it is ordered differently.

Keep up the good work.

army_dad

yes, my wife and I have a child together and they have step siblings as well.


Sunshine1

Exactly!  When on earth are they suppose to bond if as soon as you have to leave some where the child must leave because YOU aren't there.  That is really stupid.  It really irks me when people have this opinion that the step parent isn't worth a damn and they believe that they have no right to be with them.

Keep doing what you are doing and I applaud you for staying in contact even though you have to leave for these long periods of time.  Meanwhile she should get to spend this time with other relatives that love her too.  I had an intact family when growing up, and I spent most of my time at my older sister's house, my grandmother's house and my aunt's house, simply because I loved to go there.  I bet your child does too.  Tell the BM to kiss your butt, she is just trying to control your life now that you are not together the only way she can, through your child.

army_dad

Thank you for the support...I know many are dealing with this.

I guess I am just concerned that legally she can take the kids from my wife if I have to leave them in her care.

Davy

Gram

I certainly agree with you in principle that children should be with a parent whenever possible and encourage whatever efforts you have for your children in that regard.

Army Dad's plight was during a long visitation period when he was called away temporarily (TDY) and probably without much notice.  
Exchanging the children with a difficult parent is disruptive to the children and their expectations.

BTW, I dispise the term "visitation".

Gram

I apologize. I should have said "parenting time." Like I said, I'm new to this. I'm just trying to figure out what's really best for the child. It's just so hard to trust other people (extended family, step-parents, friends) just because the ex thinks it's okay to leave the child with them. Yes, of course it's his child too, but if he can't be there for his parenting time, especially for a whole week, I think he should check with the mother to see if she can have the child in his absence. The child has the other 7 weeks of his parenting time to bond with step-sibs, see the grandparents, etc. But I think Dad should be there with the child. It's different for the custodial parent (I hope that's the right term) who has physical custody of the child for the majority of the time. It seems to me that it would be impossible to check with Dad every time she couldn't be with the child, for work, appointments, etc. Am I too biased about this?

Sunshine1

Ummmm, YES you are.  I am guessing that you are a custodial parent.  If you were on the other end of things, I don't think you'd be making these comments.  I could be wrong, but ask yourself WHY the CP can leave the child with whomever and the NCP can't?  That doesn't make any sense other than a person trying to control the NCP....which in this case Armydad's BM is trying to do just that.

He doesn't get that much visitation, he intends to keep it and share it with as much family as he can fit into that week until he gets back.  She isn't in any danger and is spending time actually getting to know these people since they live in different states.

Gram

It may not be about controlling the NCP. Hopefully it's about the parent wanting to spend as much time as possible with the child.

Sunshine1

But its not though. Read his post again.  It was ok for her to send them to her parents for a week, but when he does it, she is throwing a fit.  She wants to control what he does on his time.  He had asked for more time and it is was not allowed and she really didn't want to spend time with the child on that week she actually shipped her off to her grandparents house for the entire week he asked for.

All I am trying to say is that he has as much right to send her or have her cared for by different family members as much as the BM does.

ilovemysd

Gram,

Yes, I think you're too biased :-).  Parenting is not just the time physically you spend in your child's presence.  It is presenting the child with the whole picture.  By spending time with his family away from the dad, the child is able to form a picture of how dad believes a family should function.  The child sees the behavior of both the "mom" and the dad in the family, how they relate to each other.  The child sees the role of children in the household, how they are treated in an every day setting and how children are expected to behavior, in the father's family.  He sees the distinctness of how the family behaves both in the presence of dad and when he is gone.  He is able to live their lifestyle, by being under their roof, regardless of whether dad was there.

My sd comes for dinner on Wednesday nights.  I pick her up, and we have about 20-30 min. before Dad gets home.  I ask about her day, what she's learned.  She prepares dinner (something she is not allowed to do at her mom's house) while I ready myself and the home for Dad's arrival.  She greets Dad when he walks in the door, learning the proper behavior for welcoming him home. For awhile, Mom argued that sd should not go with me if he is not there, because it is not my time, it is dad's time, and if dad can't be present, then it should be mom's time.  Without this time, my sd wouldn't know what it is to have a mom who actually listens to her (she has told us that her mom just says, oh, and wow, and doesn't actually make a conversation with her).  She learns about household responsibility, which she doesn't learn at home.  She learns how to be a wife and mother, definitely not something she learns at home.  She and her mom live with her mom's family, which, from what I have seen, is a model for how not to live, and if she is not exposed to life without dad at our house, she would never learn what a Christian wife does.

I want to warn you too, having read some of your posts, that you need to step out of your daughter's? situation... Sitting in a family where both sides of grandparents became way too involved in the divorce/custody, I can tell you that by sticking your nose in, you will enable your grandchild's parents to never get along or work together, because you are placing yourself as a party in the situation.

My 2 cents...


lawless

You might want to ask Dear Socrateaser about this.
Lawless

lawless

While I agree that the children certainly benefit from time spent with steppies such as myself ;-), I can see in a perfect world of co-parenting that when the parent is away for a full week this might be offered to the other parent.  My opinion is that 20-30 minutes is certainly different than a full week.  If this is logistically difficult then it seems to me that if the BM is willing to transport, she be allowed to have the child for that week.  This is the way my ex and I have handled this situation.  We have an unofficial "right of first refusal" with anything more than a day or two.  This is easy for us, however, because we live 10 minutes apart.

On the other side, the BM of my SDs want a right of first refusal when the girls might have to spend a few hours with me and they are teenagers!  Ridiculous...especially since they can be home ALONE.

Of course, time spent with all family and adults related or unrelated who love the child and keep him or her safe, active, and healthy is time well spent.  

On a side note, I think it is important to only respond to the current questions or comments and not to add extra and personal advice or opinions when they are not asked for.

Lawless

ocean

No, it is to spend quality time with the father's side of the family just like the mother has done. If he has to be away one of the eight weeks for work then he finds "daycare" for them just as if the mother would.
I would not tell her all of your plans before hand. Just do what you do and when they get back they can tell mom all the fun they had at your parents house. During the next year, if you go back to court for something else, you can ask to add that part to clarify but it really is already. You have 8 weeks of parenting time. You are doing great! Good luck!

madinbama

I agree with the entire philosophy that what you do when your child is with you is your business.  I have the same problems with my EX...she is always trying to dictate, first what I have to do to see my son, and then what I have to do while my son is with me (read my post on the Father's Issues board).  Keep doing what you are doing, I believe there is no court going to order you otherwise.  I have encouraged my wife to take my son to MI to see my side of the family while he is with me, and he enjoys it!  I stay back in AL to work so that we may have the money to do things while he is here, and I always make it a point that we do something special during our summers together.  He is here 9 weeks (if she sends him on time) and we always get away for at least a week.  I inform the EX where he is at all times and she always has a phone number so she can call him whenever she wants to.  Other than that she has no say in what we do while he is here!  Good Luck!