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Mother not allowing visitation

Started by WhatToDo, Sep 28, 2006, 02:32:11 PM

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WhatToDo

My fiance' has a daughter that he has court ordered visitation with every other weekend and also it states that he is to have reasonable phone access. The mother has continuously made it more and more difficult for my fiance' to see his daughter. Now she has cut off all communication. We even moved across the state to be near his daughter. The mother won't allow him to talk to or see his daughter. He hasn't been able to see or talk to her since April. He calls every week trying to get a chance to talk to her but the mother rarely answers. When she does answer, she tells my fiance' that his daughter doesn't want to talk. (She's 6 years old by the way) Every time my fiance' tries to set up visitation, the mother says she won't discuss it. Just last week, my fiance' called and the mother actually answered. She called him a few names and said that "how dare he call when he hasn't tried since April." He tried to tell her that he has been trying (one phone record shows he's called 18 times in the last 4-5 months.) she said he was lieing and that he hadn't tried at all. She said she was done trying to work with him and hung up. So...we have a lawyer and are preparing for court. We have all the phone records and emails from her that deny visitation and give him new rules to follow (ie. she wants him to go through a visitation center only, can only call once a month) Anyone have any other suggestions of things we might not be thinking about? We only live about 10 miles from his daughter and he can't even see her!

ocean

How old is child? Does it have a pick-up time in the papers? I would send the "letter of intent to visit" letter from this site with when you will pick her up according to the visitation papers XXX. Depending on child's age, you may want to ask for a shorter visit the first time so child feels comfortable. Send it certified mail to prove you sent it. Then go and try to see child. If his order states at dismissal from school (which you should ask for this time around in court) then show the papers to the school and have him pick the child up. If it is at another location, bring a friend and a video camera and tape the exchange or her not being there.
A visitation center is only for supervised visits and only in extreme circumastances (drug abuse, child not safe with other parent). Have your fiance take a parenting class before court to show how much he wants this to work out.
You can file contempt of court EVERY time she denies a visit and you do not need a lawyer to do that.
Good luck!

notnew

You have records of calling. They do stand up in court. You also need to keep a log of what happens every time they interact (phone, exchange, etc) logs are legal records.

What did your lawyer suggest? If you have a current order in place, she is in contempt and a motion for contempt should be filed along with en ex-parte request for vistiation to enforce the order.

DO NOT EVER AGREE TO THE stipulations she is requesting. Where she is leading to completely alienating the child and cutting the father out entirely.

YOU SHOULD stipulate at the court hearing that you want exchange for visitation to take place at a police station to make sure she doesn't pull anything stupid. Also, he should NEVER be alone at exchanges. It would be good to bring a video recorder and record the exchanges.

I think your next thing to deal with could very likely be accusations of domestic abuse, or child abuse with a protective order filed. The exchange taking place at the visitation center is ok, but if there is no reason to feel that dad may be dangerous, no supervised visitation is necessary and he should not agree to it because it implies guilt.

What does your lawyer say about all of this? I am thinking you may be getting a bad deal with a lawyer who doesn't give a sh*t.

BTW - How long have you two been together, engaged, and does the complete denial of visitation coincide with any of these events?

She is making him look like he did something wrong when it appears he has not. He needs to turn this around onto her ASAP or he will be living with the consequences forever.

Also, recommend posting on the Dear Socrateaster forum. Make sure you read his mandatory forum guidelines!  He knows his stuff and I think will give you more realistic advice then the lawyer is!

Keep us posted!

notnew

Also, send the letter of intent certified return receipt requested. You need to get in a mode of "cover your a$$" thinking. This is dangerous territory and it sounds like she has a laywer who is instructing her well on how to get dad out of the picture permanently while keeping her hand in his pocket.

Please don't hesitate. The fact that he has nto seen her since April is not good. He needs to stop being complacent and start acting. If he doesn't act like he wants to see her, the courts will listen to the mother when she says that is what is going on.

The system is totally biased against fathers. You were at a disadvantadge from the get go. Now the games have begun and he has already slidden backwards in the standings. Get MOVING!

WhatToDo

THanks for the advice!

We have been keeping a journal of everything that happens when we talk to the mother and what happened each time we got visitation.  

We have not agreed to her stipulation that he go to a visitation center or visit in her house only. He has never done anything wrong. No child abuse, nothing. But she is saying that he spanked his daughter once. I was there as well as my mom and dad when this so-called spanking happened. His daughter and him were playing and he was laying on the floor. He reached up and lightly and playfully tapped his daughter on her butt. The mother was even there for this. THe mother said nothing at the time but in his last conversation with her, she said "You spanked your daughter. SHe told me you did and her word will stand up against yours in court."

My fiance' is never alone when he sees his daughter. I am ALWAYS with him. In the current court order, it says that I must supervise all visits. This was an attempt on the mothers part to imply that he is a bad father. But, like our lawyer told us, me being there for all visits actually helps since now there was a witness to everything!

My fiance' and I have been together for just short of 3 years. THe denial of visitation doesn't seem to have anything to do with our relationship. In fact the mother seems much more willing to work with me than my fiance'. SHould we move up our wedding date to sometime before our custody hearing? Would that help us at all?

As for our lawyer, he's a good lawyer but not a family lawyer. We live in a small town and there are no family lawyers. We could find one that is an hour away but we just don't have the money. We can hardly afford the one we have! And a motion for contempt is being filed.

My fiance' sends his ex emails stating he wants visitation but she just reads the emails and ignores them. I put a tracker on the emails so I know she has read them.

We also don't know where his daughter goes to school. Last year we knew but the mother was considering taking her to a private school or homeschooling her. SHe won't tell us anything so we can't even go to school functions.

I'm just hoping we get a court date set soon. We wouldn't have waited this long but we were waiting to go to court until after we moved across the state to be close to his daughter. Now that we're living 10 miles from her, I would think we would have a better chance at getting more visitation? At least I would hope so.

WhatToDo

We have taken a parenting type class. Maybe you've heard of it. It's called S.M.I.L.E (Start making it livable for everyone) It was a 2 hour class that is supposed to help parents make sure they are doing everything in the best interest of the child and helps the parents understand how much the child needs both parents in their lives.

We were told not to go to regular parenting classes because it could backfire depending on the judge. The judge could see this as the parent thinking they aren't a good parent since parenting classes are often court ordered when a parent has done something wrong. So we thought that maybe the class we took would be a happy medium.

WhatToDo

and one other thing...I read Socrateaser's forum guidelines. It says he will only help the person involved with the problem. Since I am not the mother or the father of the child, I can't post about my fiance's problem right? Or am I reading it all wrong?

notnew

e-mails can be challanged in court. Because they can be edited by either party. You can submit them, but they may not stand. Certified mail is the best way to go. If she signs for it, you have proof she received it. If she refuses to sign, then  you have proof she won't cooperate. I have a VERY hostile ex and she has never refused to sign for any certifieds. I guess it hasn't occured to her that she can do it yet.

Not having a family law lawyer can be a huge problem. Is it possible for him to confer with a family lawyer to help? He has to know someone who practices family law. The contempt charge could take months before it is heard. An ex-parte (emergency) motion to enforce the visitation order should go in as soon as possible. It is not in the child's best interest to be denied contact with dad. The longer she goes without seeing him, the higher the chances they will start talking about a graduated reintroduction visitation plan.

Okay - did you file for contempt or for a change in custody? What you are talking about are two different things altogether. How long till the hearing? I don't know if you should move the date up. When is it set for? It can't hurt to be married already. It presents a more stable atmosphere and it also gives you more of a recognized legal position. Now you are only dads girlfriend no matter how strong your connection.

Didn't you say this was a very young child? She cannot testify in court till much older and judges don't like that kind of stuff. What kind of custody order is currently in place? Does BM have sole physical and legal or is it shared in any way? She may be taking the child to some type of counselor who is brainwashing the kid to lie. It happens all the time.

I'd post to dear socrateaser too.

notnew

post in the first person - like you are your fiance'.

WhatToDo


ocean

If she is school age, send the school the letter that is on this site. You can call first and ask if daughter is still enrolled there or stop by with child's birth certificate and custody papers. (He should do this). They should by law give him everything in child's perm folder. Attendance records, picture order forms, report cards, copy of emergency card (very good to see if she listed him as the father) anything that comes from the main office. In many cases, you can talk to the teacher and if you give them evelopes they will mail you the information and any class events. Ask the teacher when he can help out in the classroom. (school visits will probably have to happen after the change in papers since it is now supervised BUT he can get all the school info NOW).  

WhatToDo

Thanks for the advice!

We sent an email to the school principal asking for information but thus far he hasn't responded. I'm sure the mother has told the school not to let my fiance' anywhere close to his daughter and not to give any info. to him. But we'll try going there and see what happens. We think we might know where his daughter goes to school because my fiance' has seen his ex driving, without his daughter,the last 2 weeks in the same area around the time his daughter would be getting out of school. We're going to go see if the school is in this area she's been driving or not. We're kind of unfamiliar with the area so we're not sure if the school is there. I hope someone will cooperate with us if she DOES go to school there.

ocean

call the district number (few schools in area) and see if they will tell you what school child is enrolled in. They usually do not have custody papers there so if you can go to the district office with a birth certificate, you can probably get through.
Good luck!

WhatToDo

"Okay - did you file for contempt or for a change in custody? What you are talking about are two different things altogether. How long till the hearing? I don't know if you should move the date up. When is it set for? It can't hurt to be married already. It presents a more stable atmosphere and it also gives you more of a recognized legal position. Now you are only dads girlfriend no matter how strong your connection."

We are filing for both contempt and for a change in custody. We still don't know when the hearing is. Hopefully our lawyer gets back to us soon on that matter.

The child is very young. She is only 6 1/2. We went 4 months without seeing her the last time the mother disappeared on us. The first time we saw the daughter after these 4 months, she ran up to my fiance' saying "Daddy!" and gave him a big hug. I really hope we don't have to do a graduated reintroduction plan but if it's in her best interest then of course we would do that.

We have sent the letter to the school that's on this site. I jsut mailed it yesterday so we'll see if they respond. I'm sure the mother has already told them to keep any and all information from my fiance'

It just makes me so mad that people can get away with doing this!