Step-Parent Visitation?

[gemini3]

If I'm out of town on business, can my wife exercise my visitation?  The custody and vistation order doesn't address this specifically, just says "father will have access to the children on ...".  I'm going out of town for several weeks, and want the kids to still be able to visit my wife and their friends and pets here, but BM is saying no.  

I'm wondering if there's anything I can do about it.  Suggestions?

[mistoffolees]

I'm not a lawyer and am not sure, but my guess is that you can't force the issue.

It often happens when the CP and NCP get along reasonably well and many CPs don't really care about it, but I don't think the court will overrule the CP's objection since the visitation is with the father, not the father's wife, friends, pets, etc.

I would assume that you can't win and see if you can negotiate something. If you can't, then you're probably stuck.

[dsm]

you could push it and have the kids come as regularly scheduled.

However, this could also be set to be a web spun to put doubt in the minds of your kids.  Far-fetched?  Maybe.  Consider this.

Instead of having the kids come as scheduled, request makeup time for when you return.  i.e. if you are going to miss two weekends by being gone, which then results in the kids being with your ex for four weekends in a row, request that when you return, they are with you for the makeup.  Be prepared that she may say no way to the rescheduled time - but then, request for extended days at summer or other holiday; 3-day weekend, etc.

Of course, I'm not a lawyer, so don't take this as gospel.
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dsm - 36; DH - 40; SD - 17; LO - 11; BB - 4
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3 Cheap Entertainment cats - Sam,  Snoop & Dagger
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[gemini3]

I already asked for make-up time, and she said no to that as well.  

What do you mean about a web?  I'm not following you.

[Davy]

Not sure ... just my  interpretation.  DSM may be referring to a quote by Sir Walter Scott :

 "Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive"

In other words, your ex may use your request to distort the children into thinking that dad is trying to replace mama.

[Kitty C.]

The BM may see this as an opportunity to tell the kids that Dad isn't interested in them or doesn't want to see them....failing to tell them that the REAL reason is because he's going to be out of town during that time.  In other words, she may be pushing PAS..............

[sweetpeas]

That's what we are thinking is happening with my two SD's.  He has a career where his days off are never the same, and can't always get weekends off.  BM has been pushing PAS in various ways, and when he can't get a weekend off, she tells the girls that they don't have to visit, and tells them that their Dad obviously doesn't care enough about them to spend time with them.  That's not it at all, he has no choice.  For a long time he fought it but has recently started allowing them to stay with their mother on the days he is not off work, but ONLY on the condition that he gets make-up time later, on days that they weren't scheduled to be with him.  Actually getting the mother to agree to make-up days in another story, but we make sure that these "agreements" to trade time are by text message, so we have documentation if she ever tries to go back to court for increased custody time.  

[Pixie]

Speaking as a mom here who went through this w/ ex before he disappeared.

The Judge told him that the visits were with him, not his wife. If there was siblings involved it would be different but the child had the right to be w/ a parent however, if I needed childcare or someone to care for the child I 'could' offer it to the SM. Ex was out of town for 2 of his weekends in a row and wanted make up time. Judge asked him why and he said that he was going out of town for a wrestling match (hobby). Judge told him that make up time is for when there is something that is impeding your ability to have your parenting time, ie emergency work, etc...  And that it wasn't Mom's problem that he could take the time off to travel etc while I had to change my plans to accomodate him choosing not to take her.

It is a hard decision but I have heard Judges tell him no to make up time because he make the choice to skip his time. And that DD didn't have to go spend the weekend w/ his wife when she could be home w/ her parent. It was "parenting time" and he wouldn't be using that parenting time so it would be given to mom instead. kwim?

[jilly]

Wow...glad my DH has never been in front of a judge who thinks that way...and hope he never is!

[gemini3]

I'm in the military, so I have no choice about going.  I go, or I get court marshalled and lose my job.  This doesn't matter to BM though, and she tells the kids that I "chose" to go.  They're too young to really understand, and it's confusing to them to get two different stories from their parents.  I would never choose to miss parenting time with my children.

As for the kids spending time with their SM...  I see what you mean about parenting time being with the father.  But, from a child's perspective, the "parenting time" is spent at their dad's house, with their SM who they love dearly, with their dog and cat that they love, playing with their friends in the neighborhood.  IMHO, interpreting parenting time as strictly with the other biological parent, and not giving any due to other family members (step-parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) sends a message that those people aren't important in the children's lives.  If the only time they can spend time with those people, who are significant in the children's lives, is when they're with the other biological parent - and that parent is absent for any period of time - you're cutting the children off from an entire side of their family.  

In my state, the best interest of the child includes supporting the children's relationship with extended family members.  One could argue that a step-parent would be included in this definition.  I have read of many cases where a parent could designate that their parenting time be exercised by a family member (grand-parent, for example) in their absence.

[sweetpeas]

I can absolutely understand a judge being less lenient on modifying parenting time for a parent who CHOOSES not to exercise visitation on "their" weekend.  But as I said before, in our case DH has NO choice in work scheduling - he works a state job (not going into too many details here, but there are "maximum enforcement" periods where NO ONE gets the weekends off) and although he asks for his weekends off when he has his kids, he can't always get them.  Since BM doesn't want them with me, they can spend their weekends with grandmother, aunts, and cousins, which they had done most of their lives anyway.  It was never an issue until recently, when the PAS started up.  

Now BM doesn't want them with anyone in DH's entire family circle, saying if he can't be there, they should be with her.  But in her mind, it's perfectly acceptable for them to be either home alone or with a sitter when SHE has to work or have her social life.  Interesting the way her mind works - it's ok for HER to have a job that takes her away from her kids while in her care, but NOT ok for their Dad.  It also (in our opinion) has very little to do with what's in the children's best interest, it's all about getting a higher percentage of custody because that means more child support for her.   And the fact that he consistently asks for "make-up" time shows that he loves his kids and wants to spend his time with them.  He isn't choosing extracurricular activities over them.  I just wish they were able to see through their mother's manipulation and realize that all he has ever wanted is what is best for them.

[mistoffolees]

>I'm in the military, so I have no choice about going.  I go,
>or I get court marshalled and lose my job.  This doesn't
>matter to BM though, and she tells the kids that I "chose" to
>go.  They're too young to really understand, and it's
>confusing to them to get two different stories from their
>parents.  I would never choose to miss parenting time with my
>children.

If you have to miss parenting time due to work obligations, you can make a pretty good case for makeup time. If your ex won't agree to it, you MAY be able to get the court to OK it. Check with a local attorney about how it works in your area.

[ocean]

I can see it both ways however if he is in the military I think you have a very good shot at getting the visitation while father is away or get make-up time when he comes back. Since there are no other siblings in this case at dad's, I would go for the make-up time.

How long is he away for? If it it long, then maybe ask that there is a short visit in the middle with dad's family until he gets back.