Ceremony ideas

[nontrad mom]

Hi,
I know this isn't the biggest issue out there and it isn't even the biggest issue in our little family but I was wondering if anyone had any good, healthy, and positive ideas to include a six year old girl in an (alienated) wedding ceremony.  She's a very loving girl but  somehow I want her inclusion to top it off.  What will a six year old remember?  I know of the things she loves ( ballerina = her dress, her artwork=invitations) but does anyone know of any websites or books that give out excellent advice when you want to include a step-child in the ceremony?
Thank you

[MixedBag]

How is the 6-year old related to the bride or groom?

And what do you mean by alienated?  

Just finished OD's wedding on Saturday and it went wonderfully!

And yep, we have quite a blended family....

[nontrad mom]

I will be the step-mom.  She is related to her dad.
~What I mean by alienated is that, there are a lot things and people on her mothers side (mom has A LOT of mixed family, you'd think she'd be cool b/c she understands but she's super uncool to the point of moving to a different state trying to change last name, many other psycho-psychological things she has done to her daughter).  All of these people, bio grannma, bio mom, step-dad, mom's sisters and brother and their significant others say mean things about bio dad in front of the daughter.
Maybe this is impossible, but what I'm looking for is that new SD will be able to enjoy herself and feel good and positive about creating a "new" little family w/o having someone on the other side spoil it for her.
  Does anyone know how I can make this day feel special enough for her even though the nay sayers will undoubtedly try to tell her it's not as important as her mother's wedding or it's not a real family blah blahblah.
I understand that this may be a feat that is impossible and I am 100% certain that someone will say something negative to her about her father's wedding.  I just wanted to know if anyone knew of a way to keep it special for the "new" step-daughter.
Thank you very much

[wendl]

well what we did,
My son 10 at the time walked me down the aisle and gave me away
ss 7 was a groommens
ss 5 was the ring bearer

We also made sure to plan our wedding during DH' summer visitation but didnt tell the kids the day to avoid bm ruining our family day. We also included the kids in our honeymoon, we went on a family honeymoom which was wonderfull.

They loved it, the all helped decorate before the wedding and played.

They helped make the food, candles handmade, etc they had so much fun being involved and helping out they still talk about it and that was 2yrs ago almost.

Also what my friend did was included her in the vows like the ministered asked the kids do you take xx to be your family or another idea instead of pronouses you man and wife you they can pronouse you the xx family or use all your names. I would like to indtroduce to you Jane Doe, John Doe and Little Jane Doe as a family.

[joni]

my DH and I waited 9 months to include his daughter in our wedding because she was done with school.  It was the most wonderful, family experience ever.  It was almost a year ago and she still talks about it.  I'm confident that she'll never forget.

[nosonew]

I have seen two things that work great:

1.  When the man and woman exchange rings, the dad also gives a "ring on a necklace" to daughter, and the pastor/priest talks about uniting everyone into this new family unit...

2.  My dh and I each had a son, 1 year apart.  They gave us away at the ceremony.  

I think #1 might work best for you as it would really involve her in the ceremony, she gets a special piece of jewelry to cherish.  Good luck!

[Kitty C.]

The best thing I can think of is possibly as a junior bridesmaid or as the flower girl.  You wouldn't believe what a 6 y.o. can remember!

SS was 5 when DH and I got married and he was our ringbearer.  DS and my brother gave me away, since my dad is gone.  But both DS and SS were in great looking tuxes and they were SO excited to be dressed just like the big guys.

There is one suggestion you SERIOUSLY need to think about.  With all that you say the mother is doing and saying to this child, I can about guarantee you that she will prevent her from attending the wedding altogether, especially if your STBSD is excited about it.  If at all possible, do NOT let the ex know of the date, keep it low-key to your STBSD, but go all out on THE DAY with her.  I've heard of many second weddings that have been ruined by vindictive exes who refused to let the children attend.

We just got lucky, in that PBFH got married EXACTLY 2 weeks after we did.  So she knew that if she wanted SS to be at HER wedding, she'd have to let us have him for ours.  Always more than one way to skin a kitty, I always say!

[hisliltulip]

DH and I have 3 ex's and 3 children among us.

OSS's Mom is wonderful, and helped me pull thoughts together for wedding.

My ex is still pretty territorial of me (nope, don't know why).  I let him know we married weekend after.

YSS's Mom is vindictive.  Constantly speaking poorly of all of us to SS.

We let kids know that we were marrying, but only let OSS's mom in on date.


OSS was Best Man
YSS and DS were ring bearers.

Towards the end of the ceremony, our Pastor had all the boys come forward.  He then blessed each of us, and said a prayer over our new blended family.  (Honestly not sure how much the kids got out of this, but it was important to DH and I.)

The Boys loved wearing their special clothes and dancing afterward!


Also, just some tips that worked well for us.

I purposely chose a non-traditional place for our reception.  It was a local lodge through our City Rec Department.  There was a playground outside, and a playroom downstairs (pool table and ping-pong table).  Upstairs was a nice sized room for dancing and eating.  It was CHEAP too.  Where other places in town were charging $300-$500 to use a room.  I got the whole place from 8am to 12 midnight for $100.

The highlight of the evening for all the kids present was that my Mom and I had been hording cheap glow-sticks over the past summer whenever we came across them.

Each kid got about 15-30 glow sticks.  You would have thought we hung the moon!

__________________________________

Back to your question.

Get the prettiest dress you can find for that little girl.

On the day of the wedding, get her "prettied" like one of the big girls.  I had my 7 year old cousin be a flower-girl and she absolutely glowed in her pretty dress and loved her curled hair with pink flowers in it.

MAKE SURE this is HER special day too.

Good luck!

BETH

[Madrone]

 That's what we plan on doing. Platinum rings are on the agenda for wedding rings, and my SO's son will also be given a platinum ring, on that day, during the ceremony. Don't have the "vow" part worked out where he would be included, but he'll get a ring, and it will be inscribed on the inside just like the "adult" wedding bands.

 I look at it as I will be marrying his father, and we 3 will be making a committment to one another as a family. The ring symbolizes that committment, and includes the child - I want him to know that as committed to his father as I am, I am committed to him as well.

[purrrfectgirl]

I fully understand your feelings.  DH's ex did not her kids to attend our wedding.  She knew we were getting married sometime soon (SD was getting fitted for her junior bridesmaid gown).  Well, we told the kids (and DH's parents told his ex since hubby and ex can't talk to each other) that our wedding was about a month after it really was.  We took our summer "vacation" time the week before the wedding.  Hubby had a court hearing the monday before the wedding and, ex though she would get the jump on us as to when we were getting married, so she could prevent the kids from coming.  Imagine hubby's joy when he smiled at her question (we'd aldreay picked up the kids for the week) and told her he was getting married that coming weekend.  She hit the ceiling.  But we got it past her without her knowing and the kids got to come to the wedding.  They had a great time.  My daughter was three and she had the best time being our flower girl.  I would suggest not telling SD when it is, or tell her it's later than it really is.  Give mom a date and then get married before then.  Best of luck to you!  I think she'll be glad you cared enough to invite her.  DH's ex flew out to CA to get married (we live in Ohio) and the kid did NOT go with her.  I think that kid of hurt them.  Just remeber it's all worth it in the end!

[DecentDad]

Hi,

I think your six year old will remember quite a bit.

The big question is... what is her relationship like with you, and how does she feel about the marriage?

The answer to that question will help you decide what role would be fair for her to take in the wedding.

In my marriage (i.e., my daughter is from a never-married relationship), my now 4 year old daughter has known my wife as long as she can remember.  Passive attempts to alienate have only caused daughter to ignore us in her mother's presence, but as soon as biomom is gone, she can love us and be affectionate to us.

To minimize opportunity for poison, biomom didn't know about the wedding until last minute.  By that time, daughter was already pretty excited about it.

We were careful to not put a burden on HER during the ceremony, after all the marriage was between my wife and I.

However, after we said our vows to each other and exchanged rings, we brought up my daughter.  My wife (now stepmom) and I made vows under God to continue to love, nurture, and protect my daughter; and we told her how happy we were that she could be with us on our wedding day, and we both placed a pendant necklace on her as a symbol of all that.

So-- daughter felt no guilt (i.e., because she didn't have to make any vow to us and feel conflicted about biomom), but she walked away knowing that she was still just as special and important.

Also, my daughter sat at the head table with my wife and I.

That was six months ago, and my daughter still talks about the wedding and looks at the photos.

Thanks to Disney, it's always about being a princess who gets married and lives happily ever after.  So your six year old should buy into it no problem!  :)

Best wishes for your marriage, and growing family!

DD

[kelly563]

Is she participating in the ceremony? How about Flower Girl?  Junior Bridesmaid? Walking with her parent down the aisle...and remaing at the alter for the ceremony with her parent? Also....ask officiant to include her...usually they have great ideas for including children!!! And...she will remember more than you think!!!!!