What do we do???

[DMcD]

OSS (14) BEGGED the mediator to let him live here. He wouldn't consider any other plan. That's why we spent $10k and immeasurable amounts of stress and emotions on a custody battle. He got what he wanted and now it's not what he wants! DH got home from GA last month and it's been nothing but hell since then. OSS got Saturday school for eating candy in class. No big deal, but he was highly disruptive in class and I think that was the final straw for the teacher. We didn't make too big a deal of it since the Saturday school kind of blew his whole weekend for him since we go to church on Sunday morning until mid-afternoon he would only have Saturday and Sunday evenings.

He was starting to shape up a little and then next thing I know, he wasn't at school when we were supposed to pick him up. Sometimes he takes the bus with a friend, but he had always called before hand. I figured he forgot and didn't worry about it until it was almost 5 pm and I had been expecting him for almost an hour. I called a fwe of his friends and tracked him down. Before I left to pick him up, I got an automated call from the school that said he had been absent at least one school period. Turns out he cut after 3rd period. Skipped school and took off without letting anyone know what was going on - pretty bad, right? It gets worse.

The very next day, OSS sets off a stink bomb in 3rd period and he and his friend (the one who's house he had gone to the night before) got called into the vice principal's office. Their bags got searched and they found a knife in OSS's backpack. He said he had bought it the day before and forgot to take it out. The school followed district policy and called the police out, but the knife wasn't illegal, it was just illegal for OSS to have it on campus. They didn't write him up but he got suspended. This was the Wednesday before Easter break. They said he could come back after the break. The kicker is, the friend had marijuana in his backpack. OSS said he didn't use, but we think he's lying. He's been lying to us for months. OSS keeps saying he wants to return to BM.

BM couldn't discipline him at all. She wasn't home until late in the evening and even when she was home, OSS had no problem giving her the perverbial finger and walking out and doing whatever he pleased. He wants to hang out with all those gang-banger, pot-head losers. He thinks that's okay. He pointed out to DH that we (DH and I) had friends who smoked pot. I asked DH who the hell smoked pot?? NONE of my friends do drugs. In fact, my friends are all in law enforcement, the legal field or the military. OSS said my sister smoked pot. I don't get to choose my sister but I choose to have responsible, sober friends. That kind of back talk is starting to get old.

What do we do with this rebelious teen? The school can't control him, BM can't control him, I can't do a thing with him and DH is at the end of his rope. OSS gets upset because he doesn't get to do whatever the hell he wants to do and sulks in his room all weekend and gets pissed off because DH isn't nicer to him. OSS doesn't give DH anything to be nice to him about! He can't even have one day where the teachers mark down his class behavior was acceptable. I'm afraid of who and what he will bring into the house. I have small kids who put things in their mouths and who like and trust just about everyone. My kids and YSS all look up to OSS and he is setting a beyond poor example for them. OSS's behavior is beginning to get dangerous and I am scared for him but I am also scared for the rest of my family.

Does anyone have a similar experience that might help me get through this? I know some rebelion at his age is normal, but this has gotten completely out of hand and now I just see him slipping away and ruining his life already. Help!

[Peanutsdad]

Hun,  Look into some tough love programs. I have had a few friends that had rebellous kids,, one was a 12 yr old who routinely beat the crap out of her mom, was sleepin with a 21 yr fella (til myself and a coupla friends got him locked up), was doin drugs, smokin, skippin school.

90 day lockdown. She went to class, she worked and slept. She listened to lectures, she got out and now its yes ma'am, no ma'am.


Fact of the matter is,, he needs a authority figure that not only WILL stand up to him, BUT force him to look at his life and what he's doing to it.


http://www.familyfirstaid.org/

http://stade-brestois.org/boarding_school_for_troubled_teen.htm

http://www.helpforrebelliousteens.com/

http://www.wilderness-programs-info.com/


A simple search for "troubled teens" "rebellous teens" turned up 503 hits. Sooooo, ya'll sure aint alone.

[Granny]

Mac, Do you have any At-Risk Youth programs or petitions that can be filed with Juvenile Court?  That's what I'd look at.  I'm in WA and they have At Risk Youth Petitions that will help parents get kids back on track.  You might also ask TM about programs available in your area.  She is a wealth of info.

I'd have him UA'd...if he's hanging with kids who are using, 10 to one he's at least experimenting.  Rein him in now..don't wait.

Gran

[Kitty C.]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!  This is EXACTLY what I've been looking for!!!!!!!!  I don't know how we'll be able to afford it, but I KNOW this is IT!!!!!!!

DS loves the outdoors and the wilderness camps would be perfect!  This is definitely something we're going to look into!!!

[4honor]

Please granny?

[DMcD]

His UA came up positive for marijuana. DH, being in the military, has chosen to make our house a mini bootcamp. We stripped their rooms, chose their clothes, took away their electronics, and scheduled every minute of every hour. DH tells them what to eat, what to drink, what to wear, what to eat and what to say. They have to respond "yes, sir/no sir or yes, ma'am/no ma'am" when they are spoken to. We also have added Wednesday night services to our regular Sunday church attendence.

We are transferring OSS to another Jr. High to get him away from the kids he's been hanging out with. Both the boys are sitting at the dinner table doing their homework, bawling their eyes out. OSS tried to get an attitude with DH. I don't think I have ever hear DH yell that loud. Yep, the kids are in bootcamp. Maybe, just maybe, it will straighten OSS up and get him back on the right path. Ooh, DH just told OSS to start hiving some self respect!

Thanks for yours and PD's advice. I showed your posts to DH and I think that helped DH make the choice to come down hard. I am so worried that OSS and SD got here to late and they are too far gone to get back, but damned if DH isn't going to try. I'll try to keep you all updated and let you guys know if it did any good. Thanks again!

[4honor]

"I'm not here to be your friend. God gave me a job to raise you right and no matter how much you fight me on it, I love you enough to do it the way He told me too. That includes spanking, discipline and not allowing attitudes. You do't like it.... talk to my Boss."

[Kitty C.]

Good one, 4honor!  Gonna have to use that one myself!  Definitely will cause DS to 'back up' when I tell him to 'talk to my Boss'!

[Peanutsdad]

....

[sublimemom]

Just a suggestion - we're sending a just-turned 16 year old to the "Youth Challenge Academy" run by the National Guard.  Although the program is considered "voluntary", when a child chooses to do poorly in school, lie, use drugs, etc., they "choose" this program.  There is no cost to the parents, and its a residential military-like boot camp program that stresses academics in addition to honesty, integrity, etc.   Hopefully, my stepson will be heading off this July for the 22week initial residential phase of the program.  Its in most States - search for "Youth Challenge Academy" and look for your state.  Best wishes!

[DMcD]

OSS ran. We reported him missing but the police can't do anything to him because they say it's not a crime to run away. He needs a big dose of reality - fast. He thinks he's all grown up. I know I did, too, when I was 14, but at least I tried to show my parents some respect. I don't even want to think about what he'll be like at 16 and 17. OMG. If he keeps down this path, he'll be lucky to get shipped off to the military academy. I will definitely look into it, though. DH is in the Nat'l Guard here in CA, so he should be able to find out the details with no problem. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll get DH started on it in the morning. Hopefully we can find him and get him there before he does something that IS illegal and he gets locked up. This has not been a good week at all.

SD was admitted to the Mental Hospital this afternoon with severe depression and (I suspect) suicidal thoughts. She is so over protective with her little brother (OSS) that I think seeing him cracked down on, no matter how appropriate, put her in to mega-hyper-stress mode. DH is in tears and thinks he's just about the worst father in the world. I try to tell him that SD needed help 6 years ago when the court told BM to get SD counseling. I told DH that BM has been far to lienient on OSS and he followed her lead, so yes, he is part of the problem but he has also been trying to be part of the solution. The kids came to us with MAJOR issues. Any emotionally healthy kids wouldn't have gotten this bad in six months. He doesn't want to hear it. He just thinks he's a bad father.

Please pray for us. We need all the help we can get. The kids need all the help they can get.

[sweetnsad]

D, I am sooo sorry for all that has been happening to you and your family....you are in a situation that I can see us being in, in just a few years....My SO's kids are going to be a real handful and they are only 7, 6 and 4!  The four year old has already been kicked out of her daycare for kicking and biting the teacher and grabbing her by the breast!  Can you imagine??  There is no doubt in my mind that PBFH will send them to us once they become too much for her....

My prayers and thoughts are with you....keep the faith...don't give up...they need you.
:-)

[Kitty C.]

D, I'll be praying for your family!  I'm so afraid that something like this will eventually happen with SS, too.  Mind you, we live in a very small town (2400+) and in an Amish community (horse and buggies).  And SS is 10 years old and in 4th grade.  But he told us over the weekend that PBFH said he CANNOT walk to school until he's in 6th grade!  In this town it's PERFECTLY safe for Kindergarteners to walk to school and they do.    So it makes SS feel like a baby with such restrictions.  It's only 6 blocks and there's a crossing guard at the ONE stoplight in town.  But you know what she's afraid of???  Snipers!  Quote SS!  Her warped mind thinks that Columbine WILL happen here if she allows him to walk.  She's also afraid that we would try to pick him up, but DH and I are both out of town at that time.  How could we??

He's even begging to ride his bike to his TKD class (3 blocks) and she refuses!  This kid is already chopping at the bit, sees how ridiculous his mother is acting, and is getting madder by the month about it.  I told DH a long time ago that we'd eventually have custody of SS, but ONLY after it got to the point that she can't handle him anymore.  Looks like she's doing a damn good job......

When that kid turns 18, he's gonna tell her to kiss his ass as he's walking out the door, I just know it.......  

[DMcD]

I know that over protective parents get highly rebelious kids. BM wasn't over protective. My SIL said it best, "They were under the radar. No one knew what those kids were up to sun up to sun down. You (my DH) care and you are being a father. You know you're doing the right thing, no matter how bad it might feel right now."

I think OSS got into trouble and that BM couldn't control him but she never said anything to DH in fear that might give him cause to change custody. All I know is that she always said their behavior and grades were fine. I know for certain their grades always sucked. She always said that SD didn't have any emotional issues and cited that as the reason that she never took SD into counseling. I know for sure that SD wasn't a "normal happy little girl" and hasn't been for a long, long time. I have to guess that OSS' behavior wasn't "fine" like BM claimed. BM put the kids in the church school partly because she was concerned that OSS was getting out of hand in the public school. I can see why she made that choice. Had she talked to DH and told him the real deal, he may not have felt it was a poor a choice as it looked.

The problem is, BM didn't get home from work until after 6 PM and had them in bed by 9 PM every weeknight. From after school until BM got home, they had almost no supervision. OSS could very well have been into smoking pot long before he got here. He could have been drinking or hanging with gang members. In Long Beach "gang" is a real thing, unlike here in Sacramento where it is a kids game more often than not.

All I know is that BM has prevented all of our attempts to get SD the help she needed and has had a breakdown. All I know is that OSS was problematic, if not completely out of control, when DH got him. YSS seems to be taking this fairly well. Of course, he is worried about his sister and angry at his brother's behavior, but he is not an emotional wreck, so that's more than I would have expected.

I am so scared. DH is right when he said that this is not going to look good in court. Frankly, I don't give a crap what the court says. Either they let us deal with the kids in the manner we see fit or they put them back with BM so we can all support my SD while she's on welfare as a teenaged mother and my OSS while he's in jail.

[DMcD]

Thanks for that. I really need some support. It's morning and OSS didn't come home last night. I am just trying to hold myself and DH together until we can get this dealt with. I needed some kind words. :)

[Kitty C.]

I hear ya, D.  Your SIL is absolutely right.  And I know how hard it is to listen to all the positives when YOU are the ones living the temporary hell.  And you can't let the aspect of what this will look like in court to cloud what you need to do NOW.  You're right, the heck with what they think, you have a kid's life to save right NOW!

But I'd still be leary about the gang thing.  I know the general area you live in and there are places in Sacramento that can be almost as bad as LA.  Even 11 years ago, there were certain places I'd avoid like the plague and when I stop and think back to situations I had been in, I just shudder that I made it out of that unscathed.

We're all here for you and your family, D!  I know what a HUGE struggle it's been for all of you even up to this point.  I will be praying that you find him him safe and sound VERY soon!  Keep us informed!

[DMcD]

We're not in Del Paso Heights or anywhere near there, so the "real" gang crap is far, far away from us. Even then, my skids said that they heard gunshots almost nightly and there was a drug dealer who lived a couple houses down from BM. It is VERY real down there. Tupac and Snoop Dogg glorified that lifestyle right there in Long Beach and Compton. When you hear LBC in their songs(?) it's Long Beach city. Gang involevment is a sign of masculinity and maturity in those places, not the dumbest decision a person could make. All those kids running around without parents, without guidence, without morals. No wonder OSS thinks he's not doing anything that bad. In comparison, he's NOT. This is just totally screwed up. Thanks for your prayers. God will take care of us and OSS. Perhaps we can reign him in before it's too late. If we can't, I'll have to trust God to take care of him.

[Kitty C.]

I lived in North Highlands BRIEFLY before DS was born, that was scary enough!  What pushed me out was the nightly helicopter lights shining in my room!  And I still didn't like listening to them every night when we lived just north of Sunrise Mall, but then I'm just an Iowa farmer's daughter........

DS's half sister lives in Long Beach, but I know her and trust her.  DS will be out there for a week to see her this summer, after spending 2 weeks with his SM.  I know that she'll keep an eye on him.

I think your take on the situation is exactly right on, he's playing it cool in Sacto compared to LBC.  Still doesn't make it right and I'll keep praying that he comes back to you safe!

[rachaelmomma]

Pack his suitcase and ship his bad ass off to boot camp!  I agree that he needs some tough love and have seen it work wonders.  They go away hating your guts but 9 times out of 10 they come back with a whole new attitude.

Good luck and god bless.

[nosonew]

Just wondering if he skipped and ran to moms house.  If he did, would she even tell you?  My thoughts and prayers are with you.  We had a situation similar to Kittys, completely overprotective mom, and yes, son rebelled and now lives with us.  Only problem now is grades, he doesn't know how to do homework, she always did it for him!

Thoughts, prayers,  and good vibes going your way!

[DMcD]

Yes, we found him and yes, he ran to moms. Only problem is, she lives 400 miles away. Appears that his g-ma bought him a one-way bus ticket. Not sure if it was prompted by PBFH. We have to wait until we get next month's phone bill to see if he ever called g-ma or if it was just PBFH. Frankly, I don't care. They are the most screwed up family on the planet and I have no idea what to do. G-ma was born in Mexico and still has strong ties through both culture and her extended family. It wouldn't take much for my skids to just disappear. Problem is, they want to see their mother. Of course they do. Just because she is one of the most f*cked up human beings on the planet doesn't change the fact that she is their mom and they love her.

OSS's therapist is recommending that he remain with us over the summer to ensure he have stability. SD will probably have to go to summer school here since PBFH believes that public schools are teaching her children evil, immoral ideals. YSS is really making good progress in school and with therapy and he won't get the needed support services with PBFH. It also appears that she doesn't believe that therapy will help her kids. This is just so freakin' screwed up. We can't win for losing.

I am so physically and emotionally exhausted that I don't know what to do. I am constanly questioning our choice to move the kids up here. SD told me yesterday in church that she has lost her faith in God. I have no idea why, but it breaks my heart to see her like that. Especially with as devout and pious she was when she first moved up here. She was actually considering being in part time ministry just a year ago and now she has given up on the hope and healing that her faith could give her.

OSS, although already headed down that path when he moved up here, has been using drugs and become a real handful. Who knows, maybe that private school that we were trying to "save" him from was just what he needed. Yes, he failed all his classes last year but he's failing all his classes this year, too. At least the private school was trying to teach him good morals and ethics and would beat the holy hell out of him if he acted up.

YSS is the only one who seems to be doing better here than down there. He is catching up and is almost grade level on his reading, spelling and vocabulary. His math is still 2 years behind, but his math scores are coming up. Even so, he seems to be telling most everyone that he will probably go back to live with PBFH next year, so obviously, he's still not too thrilled to be here.

All I know is that me and DH get no gratitude at all from the kids, PBFH is making our lives hell and the kids seem to be getting worse rather than better. How can we be putting all this effort into the kids and seeing it get worse? I am just so lost. Eight months of therapy, medical and dental treatment, active involvement with schools and remedial help with academics and intervention services for behavior are making it WORSE!!! We aren't perfect parents, but c'mon! PBFH hardly ever saw them and gave them to her church and her mother to raise. But she is the victim, the martyr and the most loved parent. DH is usually treated like a big jerk and I'm just a non-person until the kids need something.

I'm tired, fed up and feeling really alone right now. Basically, I don't give a rip what happens this summer in court. I'm done. If they stay with us, fine. If they don't, I hope they find the strength in them to grow up to be responsible adults because Lord knows, PBFH can't help them with that.

[nosonew]

Glad he is "safe" at least. (At least you know where he is now).  

You can only do what you can do. I think this is every ncp's nightmare, with the PAS and poor upbringing, the fear of "How screwed up will he/she/they be when I do finally get custody?"  Unfortunately, you are a prime example of a good family, doing all the right things, but it all comes too late to make a difference.  

I just can't imagine what you are going through, but my heart goes out to you.  Perhaps saving one out of 3 may be the best you can do, considering the circumstances.  

Perhaps when they grow up, they will see how much you two tried to do for them, and love you even more for it...someday.  

[DMcD]

That's my worst nightmare - that it's too late to save them. I'm hurt and heartbroken. My kids have suffered through this ordeal with us and they have gone without many things to make sure the child support, court actions and transportation for my skids was taken care of. But PBFH or one of her sisters is always around the corner telling me I'm white trash, a bitch, a "husband stealer" and all other manner of things. I just wish that I knew what I was getting into. 2 1/2 months in the summer is a totally different ballgame than 9 months of school time. I just wish this nightmare would end. I am really looking forward to the break I'm going to get this summer but I'm dreading the messed up, warped kids that will come back. If they stay here, at least we can provide some kind of buffer for the hateful, nasty, twisted things that PBFH says to them. While they're with her, it's a free for all that we can't control. The kids always come back sullen, distant and angry. The longer they are gone, the more intense their anger is and the longer it lasts. When DH had visitation, at least they were happy to be coming here for their vacation. I can't control what other people say to my skids, I can't control how they feel or react to the things they are told and I have no way of changing their feelings or make them understand that their mother has been lying to them about their father for years.

I just pray for strength, guidance and peace throughout this trying time and hope that maybe someday - if I don't lose my mind in the meantime - they will look back at their family and see who really cared about them and who just used them as ammunition in the divorce battle.