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Poll, sort of....

Started by oneandonly, May 01, 2004, 07:06:24 AM

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oneandonly

(Peanutsdad can relate to this~)
I've often wondered, for those of us in the NCP position with child support to pay.....
if the roles were reversed, and knowing your CP, would they/her/him pay support? Would you, going from an NCP to CP, even ask for support?

I'll reference my brothers case. He became the CP, legally, through court, in August 2002. Up until this time, he paid support and was paying back her welfare. (He is all FINISHED with that, btw--woohoo!).
He took the position that although his daughter is entitled to be supported by her mother, also, he would not file for it. He felt that he could support her on his own (which he has), and he NEVER wanted money issues to come between mother and daughter (thinking mom might say something to the effect of "....I dont have the money to see you daughter, I have to pay support.." or something like that).

As for my husband (NCP) and his ex--considering her history--leaching off the system, only holding part time jobs all this time (she doesnt work now), leaching off men, not following court orders...
honestly---I know she would not pay anything to support her children.

DK

DH has 50/50 custody with BM having primary residence and she received child support.  If DH had primary residence he would not ask for child support.

He would ask for after or before care, or a summer program while school is out be split.  The only other thing to be split would be ADD medication and the doctors appointments related to ADD.  I would think helping your child child stay well and having a safe place for you child to be when school is out would be reasonable.
 

richiejay

Starting as the non-custodial and going to the custodial parent I did not ask for support but some was granted to me (less than what I paid to her when I had him half the time and he was 3 years old)...But if I was in the situation where I had to ask for it...no way, it's not worth it, I only wanted to spend time with my child......

Peanutsdad

Considering how vindictive my ex has been. The cs order was simply a money tool to cut into her war fund.

Has it been effective? Somewhat,, shes refused to pay a dime, and currently has a date with the AG on contempt.

Now,, its a bargaining tool.

Imom

I know that you asked for ncp, but I guess my dh was at one time he paid cs to the state untill ss was 2 1/2. Then they he and bm split, they agreed that dh would have ss during school and no cs from bm. BUT dh will be filing for it soon...............

juls

this did happen to us and no she does not pay support. We never asked. We just asked that she help us with his expences. That didnt happen either.

Sh now has a 2 y/o and she is a stay at home mom.  Her reply to us when we told her he needed this or he needed that was "go ahead take me to court you wont get anything anyway"

So needless to say I work full time (even though I have 3 y/o twins at home) So that I can help support her son along with my husband.

I just love this system. They would have locked my husband up if he tried to be a stay at home dad and not pay support.x(

dsm

Are more easily let 'go' of their support obligations than men are.  It's sad that your brother wouldn't request that his ex help support their child.  She *should* be helping - even if he doesn't feel he needs her help - the money she would put in could go towards college, or help with activities, medical trusts, etc.  

When my DH was awarded custody, he didn't request a child support order at first.  Partly because he wanted to drive the point home to the court commissioner that it was *not* about money as PB kept suggesting (she kept saying that he just didn't want to help her take care of my SD financially) and also because he didn't want there to be an argument over money when it came to what SD needed.  PB also 'promised' in front of the court that she would be happy to help with the expenses - all DH had to do was ask and keep her updated on things.  Well, that lasted about a year and she refused to send money for her half of expenses - and it became a bigger battle than necessary, so yeah, DH asked for a support order to be drawn up.  Much lower than the guideline dictates, but enough to allow a cushion for SD's needs.  She will try to use the excuse every so often to SD that she can't afford this, that, whatever because of the child support she pays.  Luckily, my SD is getting pretty sharp on this, and realizes that it's a bunch of hog-wash and she doesn't get wrapped up in it.

It's just sad that there aren't more women held accountable for their support obligations.  And with stories like your brother and my DH who don't request it, it only helps to keep the statistics going that there are so many 'deadbeat dads' and so few deadbeat moms.
dsm - 44
DH - 48
SD - 26
LO - 19
BB - 12
1 demon who provides cheap entertainment of the fluffy and furry kind.

My mantra - it's time for me to do for me and mine so we can live in the present and not fret about the past nor worry about the future.  What is, is

Kitty C.

I think all fathers should file for CS as CP's too, even if it's way below guideline.  More often than not, most PBFH's won't even pay that, but at least it gets the word out that it makes no difference the gender, there ARE deadbeat moms, too.  That story MUST be told........
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

Peanutsdad

I have hated that term since I first heard it. Deadbeat parent.

Unfortunately, thats exactly what my ex is.

richiejay

>I have hated that term since I first heard it. Deadbeat
>parent.
>
>Unfortunately, thats exactly what my ex is.

Take comfort that, in the long run, they look like the moron and you look like a saint.

Peanutsdad

LOL, Richie,, I really dont WANNA look like a saint,, its much too much bother.

All I ever wanted,, was to raise my kids to be happy, well adjusted, responsible people.


I never wanted my ex to look like a moron,( besides ,,its much too easy for her to look that way), all I wanted,, was for her to get the help she needs, and be able to work together where our daughter is concerned.


Unfortunately, I have learned by bitter experience with her,, let up for a moment, she'll strike like a dang rattlesnake. Only, the rattler is typically more polite about it,, they warn ya first.

dumbo

 I went from NCP to CP, first 3 years I asked for nothing . Then I asked and she "took" the kid back. Went to mediation and without an atty I agreed to a minimial amount. It was something and I was greatful. Now,
kid is 16 and we are back in court. The expenses outweigh what I can provide my daughter with. I have two other children, and we make ends meet but there is no extra. dd's mom can help. She wants to help, she just dosn't want me to be the one decideing how to spend it.
I pay for everything anyway why shouldn't I decide?
Court marches on. Now kid has a Guardian Ad Litem.

Dibella2

Yes.  DH was just awarded sole legal and physical custody last month.  After almost two years in court.  However, the role is a bit different.  DH was the school-year parent before and pbfh was the summer parent.  Neither paid child support.  DH always said that he didn't want support from her, but he figured that if the roles were reversed and it was the woman who had custody that he would be ordered to pay child support.  And the costs for the children have gone up considerably since their divorce.  Well, this judge obviously felt the same way because he has ordered full guideline child support based on full time employment (she only works part time - not even.)  And she does not have the kids 9.5 months out of the year.  Yet she wanted DH to pay her attorney's fees (which was denied, by the way).  So, yes.  The NCP should be somewhat financially responsible for their child(ren).  If it's not money issues, they will no doubt find something else to come between them and/or complain about.

AggieMom

I totally agree with Kitty!  Men you have got to fight in order for things to be changed.   I was outraged when I first went onto the Texas Att. General homepage and read "Why does your baby need a father?" Why not, why does your baby need both parents?"  Let me quess --- no such thing as a dead beat MOTHER?

I was outraged because I am finding out through all of my research, dads follow the rules, typically care about what is in the child's best interest, and are more willing to work and be civil with the Ex's!  My DH's ex has done everything possible to out run child support. We filled for support from her in June of 03 and did not go to court until Feb 04, only to be shot down for CS because mom is receiving some kind of state aid that can not be garnished.  I was outraged.  Did the ATT. general care that my DH was working two jobs to support her crack habit (part of her conviction) and take care of his wife (yep -- me) and newborn ----hell no, you pay or go to jail!  With her, it's dismiss and screw you buddy!

We sent out several e-mails to the att. generals office getting our point across that if a MAN was avoiding to pay, they would do eveything in their power to get his income or slap his but in JAIL---her no way.  She is a convicted felon and she has a newly diagnosed mental disability (I hope she payed who diagnosed her that out the butt) to elude child support.  But now after the hearing, she can all the sudden get a job now that no one is looking!  By the time we would go back to court, she would quit and here we go again!      

Needless to say this subject chaps my butt to no end!  Women do it because they know that they can and 9 times out of 10 their CP counterparts will lie back and take it!  

PLEASE PLEASE do everything you can to make it known that these WOMEN need to pay.  They made this child with you---make them support this child with you regarless if you can do it on your own!! I am a WOMEN and I support men and their rights to be treated EQUAL even when it comes to parenting!  

Sorry for the Soap Box!  

~AggieMom~

hisliltulip

DH got custody of SS in January, she was to start paying child support Feb 1st.

Needless to say, she hasn't paid a cent.  And her's is set up at MINIMUM WAGE.  She doesn't think it should be at 40 hours a week since she doesn't like working full time...  WTF?  I have always worked full time and our son's are the same age.

Anyway, DH and I so far haven't cared.  Let her hang herself even more.  It just goes to show who the more responsible parent is.

SS is happier, THAT is what is important.

But, to bring myself down from the "holier than thou" pedestal.  It was very very tempting to get on the horn today to get her wages garnished when I found out that DH is getting laid off tomorrow.

I didn't though.  We'll survive, we always do.  God has a plan and I doubt it's for us to squeeze support out of her.  Besides, what DH requested wouldn't even cover SS groceries for the month!



:-)

putkidsfirst

The discrimination/double standard in our family courts is abhorrent and all involved should be ashamed of themselves.

That said, the FACTS of our case:

PB awarded sole custody in ('93) with no trial, no hearing, no psych. consult, nothing.  Judge's words:  "Because she needs the money."  At least DH's "temporary" 60% CS order was lowered to the standard.  Poor PB, unable to support her drink/drug habits and deadbeat boyfriend on $10-$12,000 per year, files and is awarded welfare and food stamps!  Welfare hassles DH for "non-support" and threatens further garnishment "to recoup back child support" that never existed, thank heaven his documentation reached someone who knew the law and put a stop to it.

PB and her BF destroy 2 kids emotionally, psychologically and socially.  Once they reach school age DH has teachers calling him constantly about their absenteeism, filthy condition, lack of cooperation, refusal to do any schoolwork, and HUGE behavior problems.  All the while PB collects CS, DH pays full medical, all school expenses, and gets extorted for $$ if he wants to visit them. "No money, no kids."

'98 - custody reversed, sole custody to DH.  Conditions found to be so bad that at first PB is allowed only 3-hour visits, she blows off the majority and is stoned and physically abusive to SS on the few occasions she does show, and a restraining order is necessary.  On CS, she states, "F*ck you you f*cking a**hole, what the f*ck to you f*cking expect, $1 a f*cking week?"  DH says that would be absolutely fine.

Lawyer refuses to file for CS.  He refuses to "kick her when she's down."  Two YEARS later after DH threatens to file a complaint against him for not doing what he was paid to do, lawyer half-heartedly sends a letter to PB, the gist of which is, "if it's not too much trouble, please send your bank statements if you want to."  A YEAR after that her "financial" information shows up, consisting of three bank statements and one tax return.  The funny thing is, these statements show that she has run $75,000 through her checking account in THREE MONTHS.  But she reported $1,200 income to the IRS and collected more tax than she had paid back.  She continues to bill DH's insurance for her medical as well as her daughter by BF's medical and when we contact insurance to make sure they're not paying fraudulent claims, she calls them posing as "the post office" and has our home address changed to hers!

Bottom line:  she put $30,000 through her checking account in December of '01 and didn't send her own children so much as a freaking Christmas card!  Not one birthday present, not one Christmas present, not one penny for anything, for six years now.

If it were him, he'd be on billboards and/or in the slammer.  Because it's HER, she's jetting to Vegas every year and collecting $$ from the IRS fraudulently and nobody gives a damn.  It makes me SICK.

Of course the important thing is we were able to save these kids' lives.  They are teens now, light years behind where they should be but healing slowly.

Kitty C.

'Scuse me while I go puke.............

It's scum like this that make me think harder about involuntary sterilization.............
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

patton

Most of you know I have sole custody now with visitation for mom.

The good news is our son wont have ANY brothers or sisters by her as she had her tubes tied (Medicaid of course paid for it)!  Meaning you and me, who actually legally pay taxes!

I'm sure there's dead beat parents (both mom and dads), but seems like we hear some of the worse cases on here.






Peanutsdad

Bro,, not only do we hear about them here,, a lot of us are LIVING them.


you cant imagine how stunned I was after listening to my ex self righteously harp how BOTH parents had a duty to support their children.

After SHE was ordered to pay cs,, the hate in her face was plain and if looks could kill....but she told me in no uncertain terms,, I would NEVER see s dime from her.

Hmmmm, ok, so it WAS all about the money.

Sherry1

$630/mo plus we have one full time kid living with us, she has two with her.  Now that she finally has a job first time in years, CS will go down about $420 a month.  We will have a major battle getting CS down, we will probably have to take her to court.  When SD graduates in two years, it will be the same battle.  

jchallquist

>(Peanutsdad can relate to this~)
>I've often wondered, for those of us in the NCP position with
>child support to pay.....
>if the roles were reversed, and knowing your CP, would
>they/her/him pay support? Would you, going from an NCP to CP,
>even ask for support?
>
>I'll reference my brothers case. He became the CP, legally,
>through court, in August 2002. Up until this time, he paid
>support and was paying back her welfare. (He is all FINISHED
>with that, btw--woohoo!).
>He took the position that although his daughter is entitled to
>be supported by her mother, also, he would not file for it. He
>felt that he could support her on his own (which he has), and
>he NEVER wanted money issues to come between mother and
>daughter (thinking mom might say something to the effect of
>"....I dont have the money to see you daughter, I have to pay
>support.." or something like that).
>
>As for my husband (NCP) and his ex--considering her
>history--leaching off the system, only holding part time jobs
>all this time (she doesnt work now), leaching off men, not
>following court orders...
>honestly---I know she would not pay anything to support her
>children.



Actually. I pay for EVERYTHING. Including medical, dental and vision expenses. One's dh is supposed to pay 50% of uninsured costs'. Well, that's NOT happening.
I've sent the bills, explainations, and receipts, One's Dh hasn't gotten them due to mail interception by One. I've got the proof they were delivered.
As to IF custody were to change, MY children would come FIRST and FOREMOST. Period. They come first NOW. They would come first while living with their father too. Period. My children are my world. Period. I know that One's Dh can't say the same. Because of One, my kids no longer have a relationship with their father. Because of One, the phone calls are screened. The sunday evening visitation calls from dad to the kids have stopped. Because of One, the kids don't want to deal with the mess she's brought about.
I read what she feeds you guys, It's her version of the events as she's wanting them to be told. If you were to sit in my seat, you'd see a whole new perspective of the issues at hand.
I have PROOF that she impersonate's her Dh when writing to me regarding the kids' bills.  I have proof that the bills are sent and delivered, yet he says, "send them again, I'll get them this time."
As for her discription of ME. It's the NEW WIFE SYNDROM. Jealousy. Plain and simple. I have HER Dh's children. She has NONE. I was married to her Dh first. She's got my seconds... She can have him. I am very happy for them. I am happy with my life.
1. I just finished college on May 4th.
2. I graduate this friday, May 14th.
3. My husband is VERY supportive of myself and my children. All three of them. Plus his own three.
4. MY children are very happy, healthy, loved and a joy.  They may be teenagers, and we have a few of the teenagers' type fights, but they are great kids just the same. No major problems... YET!!! LOL!!!

Oneandonly lies, cheats and steals in order to make me look bad to her "net friends". She makes jokes about how BAD i am. Is this someone that is really happy with their OWN life? Not from what I can see. Someone who has to put another down on an regular basis, is trying to bloster their own confidence. And abuser does this. Whether it's someone that is a  child abuser, or  it's spousal abuse. This is the first major sign of abuse. I don't read very much written by one to see that she's got anything else to do. Except look for me, and 'bash' me to no end.
I just want everyone to know that there are ALWAYS three sides to the story. The third is the actual truth.  And if you sit in on the truth, you'll begin to open your eyes.

I don't need any response. Just stop and smell the roses.


wendl

Well pesonally if you hate one so much why did you respond.

You basically said she badmouths you, aren't you doing the same thing"" Or is this do as I say not as I do". Hhmm isn't this what you just wrote "Someone who has to put another down on an regular basis, is trying to bloster their own confidence" you must have low confidence then cuz you just said what you say she does. Hmm take a look at yourself. No one is perferct.

Whatever relationship your ex has with his children is his choice not the choice of the new wife. Just becase you had his children doesn't mean sh&t, a marriage isn't about having kids and who does and doesn't, it deaper than that.  I am sure One would be a wonderful mom and if she had to pay support she would.

Also how childish, I highly doubt ANY second wives are jealous of their dh's ex, I know I am not. I'st extremely childish to even write it down, if you need to then you have some unresloved feeling for your ex husband.

If you weren't following her around on the net, what are the odds that you are here????? I am sure she didn't inform you of this site.

None of us know the entire story of any of the cases (with the exception of a few).

:)

oneandonly


putkidsfirst

"One's dh is supposed to pay 50% of uninsured costs'. Well, that's NOT happening. I've sent the bills, explainations, and receipts, One's Dh hasn't gotten them due to mail interception by One. I've got the proof they were delivered."

No need to say another word.  Take your proof of delivery to court and you will get a judgement against him immediately.  Why waste time telling us?  We can't grant it.

SadStepMom

It is a toss up - we would be estatic to have the kids and really wouldn't want her money.  But if we were to recieve childsupport I think we would just put it into accounts for the kids.


MixedBag


AggieMom

I  am sorry, how old are you?........6

>Actually. I pay for EVERYTHING. Including medical, dental and
>vision expenses. One's dh is supposed to pay 50% of uninsured
>costs'. Well, that's NOT happening.

YEA!  with what job?  I noticed that you bragged about everything else, but no mention of how you pay for EVERYTHING.....I think you mean new hubby pays for EVERYTHING!

>As for her discription of ME. It's the NEW WIFE SYNDROM.
>Jealousy. Plain and simple. I have HER Dh's children. She has
>NONE. I was married to her Dh first. She's got my seconds...
>She can have him. I am very happy for them. I am happy with my
>life.

First of all, I would think that you would sound a little more educated since you brag that you are graduating from college, sounds like to me you are still in KINDERGARTEN. "HE WAS MINE FIRST", "I have his babies"  Grow the hell up!
I also think that she hit your description right on the mark. You are a vindictive person who spends time doing to others what you say you hate that they do to you.  To me, what goes around comes around.  


>1. I just finished college on May 4th.
>2. I graduate this friday, May 14th.
>3. My husband is VERY supportive of myself and my children.

Good for you, do you want a cookie? Most of us here graduated from college, got to talk about yourself to boost your self esteem.  I have no doubt you mooched off the  system as long as you could to get what you wanted in the end.  


>I just want everyone to know that there are ALWAYS three sides
>to the story. The third is the actual truth.  And if you sit
>in on the truth, you'll begin to open your eyes.

Ya, and I can almost bet that you have told soooooo many lies to yourself that you have no idea what the truth relly is.  The third, in your opinion is the truth, but most likely is not even close.  You can not stand that she has him now or you would not even bother to be posting on the website or making such an ass out of yourself!  


Oh, by the way, I am also a College Graduate and a wonderful CP stepmom to my DH's EXGF's child!

~~AggieMom~~  






oneandonly

Actually. I pay for EVERYTHING.
*You get child support and are not working-or at least, have not held a steady full time job in years-who is the "I" you refer to?*

 Including medical, dental and vision expenses. One's dh is supposed to pay 50% of uninsured costs'. Well, that's NOT happening.
*He has paid 50% of uninsured, by your own admittance*

I've sent the bills, explainations, and receipts,
*what you think you sent(dh shared with me) and what was actually sent (2 exchanges-one demanding interest)-is two different things*

 One's Dh hasn't gotten them due to mail interception by One.
*I'd be careful with accusing me of a federal offence*

I've got the proof they were delivered.
As to IF custody were to change, MY children would come FIRST and FOREMOST. Period. They come first NOW. They would come first while living with their father too. Period. My children are my world. Period. I know that One's Dh can't say the same. Because of One, my kids no longer have a relationship with their father.
*DH sends things, you feel the need to share this with the internet world*
 
Because of One, the phone calls are screened.
*6:45 am phone calls are NOT acceptable*

 The sunday evening visitation calls from dad to the kids have stopped.
*Last call, someone answers, hangs up, then line is busy--past phone calls monitored by you, taped by you, posted on internet*

 Because of One, the kids don't want to deal with the mess she's brought about.
*Kids don't know anything from this end---perhaps you shouldnt be going against the court order and sharing adult things with them?*

I read what she feeds you guys,
*stalker*
 
It's her version of the events as she's wanting them to be told. If you were to sit in my seat, you'd see a whole new perspective of the issues at hand.
I have PROOF that she impersonate's her Dh when writing to me regarding the kids' bills.
*I am NOT involved in this and never have been*
 
I have proof that the bills are sent and delivered, yet he says, "send them again, I'll get them this time."
*taken out of context-one bill sent through regular mail last year---was re-sent and paid-drama over*

As for her discription of ME. It's the NEW WIFE SYNDROM.
* I still appreciate the term "new wife" but it's been almost 4 yrs we've been married and together 7*
 
Jealousy.
*nope*
 
Plain and simple. I have HER Dh's children. She has NONE. I was married to her Dh first.
*together a whole 3 months-that's not a marriage*

 She's got my seconds... She can have him.
*He's a wonderful man-loyal, faithful, honest-shoulda really stuck it out, but glad ya didnt :)*

I am very happy for them. I am happy with my life.
*only when there's drama involved*

1. I just finished college on May 4th.
2. I graduate this friday, May 14th.
3. My husband is VERY supportive of myself and my children. All three of them. Plus his own three.
4. MY children are very happy, healthy, loved and a joy. They may be teenagers, and we have a few of the teenagers' type fights, but they are great kids just the same. No major problems... YET!!! LOL!!!

Oneandonly lies, cheats and steals
*committing libel here?*

in order to make me look bad to her "net friends".
*hmmmm....how would you know this? stalking?*

She makes jokes about how BAD i am.
*again, how would you know this?*

Is this someone that is really happy with their OWN life?
*Extremely happy*

 Not from what I can see.
*again, how would you "see" anything if you did not constantly stalk me?*
 
Someone who has to put another down on an regular basis, is trying to bloster their own confidence. And abuser does this. Whether it's someone that is a child abuser,
*you'd know about that now wouldnt you?*

or it's spousal abuse. This is the first major sign of abuse. I don't read very much written by one to see that she's got anything else to do.
*you sure did state a lot of examples for "not reading very much...*

Except look for me, and 'bash' me to no end.
*again, stalker, how would you know this?*

I just want everyone to know that there are ALWAYS three sides to the story. The third is the actual truth.
*thats probably the only sane thing you've ever said*

 And if you sit in on the truth, you'll begin to open your eyes.
*odd statement from someone who got into our emails*


I don't need any response. Just stop and smell the roses.

zapped

DH recently became CP of his 14 yo daughter. He has been paying CS since she was 1 and has held up to his CS obligations religiously except for a few times when he was laid off. DH is in the IT field in Silicon Valley (California) and needless to say it took him months to find a new job! I am a stay@home mom so it was torture for us when he was laid off! His arrears grew like wildfire when BM refused to temporarily suspend CS while he was unemployed (she still received his UI benefits, btw).

Anyway, now that the tables are turned, BM refused to waive arrears because she "needed protection" that we wouldn't seek CS against her. Lovely, aint it? She said that she just could not afford to get garnished and if we ever decided to open a CS case against her, she would re-open her child support case and go for the arrears that DH has.

Part of our agreement w/BM was that we would not seek CS from her and support SD 100% (along with our five other kids!) as long as she waived the arrears and completely closed the CS case against DH (she closed the "current support" and only chose to tell us this part of the story - we found out about the arrears after DH called to check on the status).

We're giving BM until the end of May to waive the arrears. If she doesn't, we are going to open a case and (from my understanding from these boards) the CS she is obligated to pay should pay off DH's arrears anyway (I hope this info is right!).

Either way, it makes me sad that she was so quick to get CS from DH (keep in mind that she has NEVER paid rent because she lived with her parents up until last year and she never had tuition or childcare payments for SD while she was growing up) and now that she is NCP, she refuses to be in the CS system.

Some people are just funny like that, I guess!


Xcowgirl

Yes - sir - re - bob!

We would set up a bank account for the CS.  Then SD could use it for things later on - College - car - and other girl stuff.

Legally - it's both parents whom need to support the kids.  Even if one can afford to do it alone.

JMHO