EVIL STEP MOM

[flewwellin]

I am 24 wks pregnant and we have the kids ( my step kids ages 4 & 6 ) for 5 wks this summer.  We've had them since July 4th and they go home August 8th.  I have been very moody during my pregnancy and feel like the wicked step mom!  I try so hard not to be mean or evil, but sometimes the way things come out seem evil.  It is just they are being very moody about everything, they whine constantly if they don't get what they want ( no I don't cave in) which makes for a bumpy ride. I work from home and tend to them all day. My husband is a tow truck driver and doesn't have a set schedule.  He only gets every other weekend off and therefore I can't even get away for a few minutes unless I go outside and they tend to follow even if I tell them to stay inside and play in their room.  They just don't listen.  I am so tired all the time. I can't rest well because if I am not up and moving around they come barging in my room tattling about something.  Anyone got any advice. I am looking for nice responses cause I am sticking myself out on the line and speaking the truth about my feelings.  They are driving me crazy!  I just was wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to help out my sittuation??  Thanks in advance.

[junglechicken]

I'm with ya.  I'm 36wks pg, and although my skids are with us 2-3 days out of every week, I have those days too.  I find that warning them that I'm grouchy or not feeling well helps - the vast majority of the time they're sweet girls but when I do warn them of how I'm feeling, *before* I get mad, that seems to help and they stay off my case for the most part.

As far as the kids barging in your room while you're resting, you need to set a boundary there.  They need to know "I'm resting right now, and I need quiet.  If you guys come tearing in here just to tattle, I am going to be upset with BOTH of you.  I will be up again in X minutes and then you can tell me what you need to tell me.  Until then behave yourselves, because I can hear you, and if I do have to get up, like I said, I'll be VERY upset."

That's what works for me.  :)

[flewwellin]

I have tried numerous times telling them how I feel before getting angry and it doesn't help.  They just don't listen very well.

I will try your recommendation on the resting thing.  They may buy that one.  

[SadStepMom]

I want to start by saying, I have no idea how you parent, and I am not trying to tell you how to.  But I do have some suggestions.

I have a 5 year old, and it helps a lot if I make him stop what he is doing, make him look at me while I am telling him something, and then ask him if he understands.  I find he "listens" a lot better when I have confirmed that he has heard what I told him.

How are you guys on Play Dough?  In my years as a nanny I have found that play dough can ocuppy pretty much any kid for quite a while without much arguing (as long as they don't touch each other's masterpieces)

Good Luck!

[flewwellin]

I appreciate all the suggestions I can get.  

I was a daycare worker for awhile and worked in all the classrooms so I've been using a lot of what I used then to try and keep the kids content.  However it's really not my 6 year old step daughter that is the problem unless it's about tattling and bursting into my room while I am resting.  I can get them both to look at me and repeat what I say and yet they still don't listen.  

Play dough, they fight over the colors (being so close in age they are constantly competeing with each other or trying to get the other in trouble.  This used to not be a problem but as they get older it gets worse.)they fight over the play dough toys, and my step son age 4 likes to spit in the play dough and smear it all over the surface that they are playing on which is usually my glass and wicker kitchen table.  I have no plastic to lay on the table first either.

I've tried play stations so they don't get bored as quick with the toys that they use, coloring is a no no unless I am right there. ( I work from home so have to concentrate on that also)  My step son likes to color on the walls and I have just recently repainted all the walls in my house.

Another problem step son wants to play constantly with his sister but being older and a girl she wants to play barbies alone.  He throws a temper tantrum when I make him play with his toys while she plays alone for a little while(usually lasts only about 15 minutes)

[hagatha]

Do you have any neighbors with young (10 - 12 yr old) kids??

You need the time to take care of yourself also. Maybe hiring a neighbor kid to come over a couple hrs every day for a nominal amount will help. The kids can be occupied and you have time to work and nap

I paid a neighbor $25 a week to watch our girls for an hour or so. But I paid her even when I didn't need her every day. And I paid her in advance. Worked well for me

The Witch
Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[flewwellin]

Thanks, I truly feel sometimes that the kids are going to start thinking of me as an evil step mom with a wart on my nose.  No I don't have any kids in my neighborhood at all!! I live in a neighborhood full of senior citizens It was one of the bonuses but also one of my down falls now...:(

got any other ideas?

[Sunshine1]

Does the 4 year old know "what" exactly is growing in your belly?  Can you get some graphic books to show him what exactly that thing protruding from your stomach looks like?

I would make them both a part of this pregnancy and give them chores to do "for the baby".  Then, if you need to lay down you can say, "hey guys I need to lay down and rest with the baby, he/she is really moving around in there....like this picture..etc..  

I know there are some books out there that can go day by day pictures of the baby's growth or week by week.  Bring them into it so they know how important it is for you to have quiet and rest etc...

I know my 3 year old was extremely excited to "help" and when I needed to lay down he would curl up next me me and we would "wait to see the baby move".  Maybe instead of trying to get away from them, next time they come barging in the room say..whoops, you came in here and woke the baby in my tummy, baby says mom needs a back massage, or a foot rub.  Or next time they start tattling or arguing, say "OH NO, the baby is upset, ssshhhhhh, lets try to be nicer so the baby doesn't hear.

I would make it fun for them instead of trying to keep them out.  I hope that helps, its only my 2 cents.

Good Luck!!

[4honor]

These kids are not too young for "MY HOUSE MY RULES."

Instill a set of rules for your home and set up the consequences in the rules.

2honor/4honor house rules:

1. Don't start a fight. (they cannot throw the first punch, or the instigating words). A fight can cause physical harm. Those starting fights get spanked (safety issue). Taunting your brother is the same as starting a fight, but punching the neighborhood bully for taunting your brother is not.

2. No tattling unless someone got hurt or will get hurt if you don't tattle. If you tattle about "nothing" (he took my toy and won't give it back!) you get in the same trouble as the person breaking a house rule. We belive in the King Solomon school of toy ownership... they can't agree, we divide the toy in half for each. The excepting to this is someone wwanting you to keep a secret. (DS2 hasn't got the hang of this exception yet and told me what all my presents were last year for Christmas.)

3. Mom & Dad's bedroom is always off limits unless a child is specifically called into the bedroom for a specific reason - no one but mom & dad go in the master bedroom. We don't even discuss the BM in our bedroom (don't want her even by proxy in my bed). The exception is on Saturday morning we all get ON the bed and cuddle, tickle and catch up on the week. Breaking this rule grounds them off game systems for an appropriate time.

4. We will have no wussy girly-man type boys - no pink bedrooms, no frilly froo froo outfits, no feather boas, no piercings, no whining, no tantrums, no selfish emotional outbursts intent on getting one's own way. Crying is only allowed when one of the boys gets hurt physically or emotionally. The only one who gets to have PMS and piercings is 4honor. All other humans in the household must be proud of their barbarian testosterone and behave accordingly.

5.  If it isn't yours, don't touch it. If you have specific permission to touch it, treat it with respect. If you don't and something happens to it, you are responsible to repair or replace it.

6. You are welcome to eat what I fix or to choose not to eat. You do not have the option of fixing something else -- this is not a restaurant. When I made dinner, I took into consideration any allergies. Your menu choices are "eat" or "starve".
 
7. Don't touch anyone else's dinky. Don't let anyone else touch your dinky. Don't let anyone else put their dinky on you. (Hey, you make up the rules as you find them necssary... I just wish this one was not necessary.)

8. Stay out of your brother's room! (this came in at the same time as #7).

9. I am your parent. I am not your friend. I do not care if you like me. I was entrusted by God to bring you up to be MEN, not children. I will do what is necessary to make that happen.

So when you are done with the rules, be consistent. This is not just for now when you are pregnant, but for future too. They will catch on and it will not take as long the next time they are with you. The rules will be especially important after the baby is born and they are interacting.

[Sunshine1]

These rules are great!!!

I am stealing them...and yes, oddly,  #7 applies in our house too, don't feel bad.  We have 4 boys, somehow doing #7 is funny to them as well.

Good Job 4honor!!  

[4honor]

#7 was not about "funny" in our case, but if the rules work for your family you are welcome to adopt them and tweak them.

Oddly, "If its not yours don't touch it" works to help keep DS1 out of the refrigerator. I work hard to keep us financially on track. DH works full time and all the overtime he can handle. I do the shopping. The groceries are "mine and 2honor's". If we did not take this stance our solidly built 3 boys would be jello impersonators instead.

[flewwellin]

Those are really good suggestions!  I have taken them to the most recent ultrasound (July 12th) they got to hear the heart beating the first time they've heard that and they got to see the baby on the monitor, we have 3 pictures from the visit.  I show them pictures of babies (still inutero) on the website "this is kinda what the baby looks like"

I never thought about incorporating the baby into enforcing simple rules but at this point I am desparate!  

As for the bedroom thing, I have to stand strong with that because it is a very strong rule in our house that the "parents" bedroom is completely off limits.  If you give an inch they take a mile.  This really is for their own safety. My husband is into martial arts and collects katana's, (swords) daggers, knives and other things so this is something that will continue to be enforced.  

Thanks for the suggestions.

[flewwellin]

I will be printing and adjusting these rules ( one girl and one boy) to fit our household but I want you to know that I completely appreciate this response to my post.  Believe it or not it has helped tremendously!  I love #9 although I am not biologically their mom I still have as much say so when they are in my house.  # 6 is a great one too! DH likes to try to make stuff that they both will eat and this usually means two totally different things and then something else for the adults!  

[babymakes8]

I would honestly appreciate if someone could make up similar rules, for FOUR girls and TWO boys....seriously.  I am not good at that stuff, but I can sure use a list of 'house rules' to go by.

[4honor]

1. Don't start a fight. You cannot throw the first punch, or the instigating words. A fight can cause physical harm. Those starting fights get spanked. Taunting your brother or sister is the same as starting a fight, but punching the neighborhood bully for taunting them is not.

2. No tattling unless someone got hurt or will get hurt if you don't tattle. If you tattle about "nothing" (she took my toy and won't give it back!) you get in the same trouble as the person breaking a house rule.  The exception to this is someone wanting you to keep a "secret".

3. Mom & Dad's bedroom is always off limits unless a child is specifically called into the bedroom for a specific reason - no one but mom & dad go in the master bedroom. The exception is on Saturday morning we all get ON the bed and cuddle, tickle and catch up on the week. Breaking this rule grounds you off game systems or TV for an appropriate time.

4. No one will act like a sissy in this house. You are strong intelligent kids. No whining, no tantrums, no emotinal outbursts with the intent of getting your own way. You will behave consistent with your gender. Everyone keeps the hair color God gave them until they are grown and out of the house. Fingernails and hair will be kept clean and appropriate in length for your age and gender.  Mom and Dad will determine what is appropriate length for you.

5. If it isn't yours, don't touch it. If you have specific permission to touch it, treat it with respect. If you don't and something happens to it, you are responsible to repair or replace it.

6. You are welcome to eat what I fix or to choose not to eat. You do not have the option of fixing something else -- this is not a restaurant. When I made dinner, I took into consideration any allergies. Your menu choices are "eat" or "starve".

7. Keep your hands and body parts to yourself. You will not intimidate someone else with your body. You will not inflict unwanted affection on a family member. You will not rub body parts on someone else to torment them. You will purport yourself like ladies and gentlemen physically. Don't play with yourself in my living room. Nobody wants to see that. Try the bathroom! While we are at it, you do not need the whole couch sit up and keep your body parts to yourself.

8. Stay out of your sister or brother's room unless it is also your room. Stay out of your siblings items. (see #5)

9. I am your parent. I am not your friend. I do not care if you like me, you will obey anyway.  I will not only allow you to suffer the consequences of your actions, I will discipline you too. I was entrusted by God to bring you up to be MEN and WOMEN, not children. I will do what is necessary to make that happen.

[metamorphosis]

I completely relate to your situation.  The first summer visitation after my husband and I were married I was pregnant with our daughter.  I was a stay at home mom during that summer with 2 daughters and 2 SS.  It started off as a nightmare, especially since it was the first year the boys were old enough to stay for the full 6 weeks.  (it had only been 2 weeks the previous year.)  Every day I heard "(blank) is better at mommy's house" at least 5 times.  It got better though.
 About the only thing I was able to do to get any rest was to put on a video and lay down on the sofa with them on chairs or the floor right by me.  Obviously it didn't always work, and was only good for about an hour a day, but it was something.  
Also, if you have a fenced in backyard a sprinkler, inflatable pool, or even the hose is a wonderful thing.  I was able to sit and spray them or just watch them.  A lot of times I gave up trying to have any order and just let them put on old clothes and go to town in the mud.  At those ages (3,4,5,&6) it kept them busy and happy as pigs for at least an hour.  Of course then you have a huge mess.
One thing that made it easier in my situation though was that there was 4 of them instead of 2.  If they weren't getting along with somebody, they had 2 other choices to pick from.
Good luck!

[flewwellin]

Well, I think that it has a lot to do with these pregnancy hormones cause I wasn't nearly as tempermental last summer (I actually cried when they left!) but this summer it's been really stressful and I won't be crying this time that's for sure! I love them dearly don't get me wrong but I am now coming up to my 27th week and am really tired all the time still.  I also have developed a really bad cold so I've been coughing, sneezing, nose draining, etc.  The kids go home a week from tomorrow and the baby will be born before we get them again so I'll have no more pregnancy hormones and the baby will be at least a month old before they come back (it'll only be for like 10 days then though).