How to decompress???

[Sunshine1]

Ok.  Most of you know my ever growing unbelieveable story here.  I have finally hit my limit.

Everything we do BM does the exact opposite.  I am wondering if I should do reverse psychology, but she is so mentally ill, it won't work.

I tried to send homework, do you think it got done?  NO!  Instead we get a two page letter on DH parenting skills and she disagrees with his expectations.  I want to choke her.  couldn't she just for once DO the damn homework???

I am so at my wits end I want to just leave DH!  It would be so much easier to just move away and let him deal with her.  He won't do ANYTHING to combat her idiotic behavior.  Not that it would do any good but I just wish he would do SOMETHING!

Thanks for the vent!!!!!!!!!

[Sherry1]

with the ex and/or the skids, then you have got to basically back out of all of it.  If he won't deal with the ex or the skids, then it is his problem and not your problem.  You can't force him to deal with his ex or his kids, he will if he wants to.  Will the ex and the kids go to hell in  handbasket if you stop dealing with it?  Yes, probably.. but if you aren't dealing with it, then you won't go to hell with the handbasket!  I had to totally back out of most dealings with my skids, I was close to institutionalized before I just stopped dealing with it.  If my hubby chose not to deal with it, or the ex chose not to deal with it, it wasn't my problem and I finally gained my sanity back.

[jolawanda]

to the other poster, not you Sherry1, cause your response was good!

But, you did not fuck her, you didn't make those kids, didchya? STOP IT!Right NOW! Geez~!

Try to make a deal w/ hubby.
This is what we do:
we don't get visitation cause the courts said it's too far for the kids(whatfuckingever)

anyhow,
he: deals w/ all communication w/ the xmommydearest.
he: deals w/ all court papers.
he: gathers all supporting docs.
he: gets papers in the mail

i: do better on the pc and internet searches, etc.
i: print them out and give them to him.
i: prepare all legal docs on the Pc, I do better than he.


WE: agree on a 7-10 turnaround time.
WE: TALK about the feelings this all incurs.
WE: MOVE ON after the above are met.
WE: agree on court papers filed. Afterall, this really does affect US. sheesh~

I think you best DROP your participation and let HIM deal w/ the x......


Can I get a peanut butter sandwich now? BWHAHAHAHAHHAH....oh wait
can Mr. Jola have a pillow in his bed? LOLOLOL

Sherry1 knows what I mean! LOLOL

)(

[hagatha]

Sunshine,

Your last sentence says it all, but I don't think you understand what it really means. So let me ask you a few questions;

1. What EXACTLY do you want DH to do?

2. If he does what you want, how will that change her behavior?

3. She isn't making you crazy, You are making yourself crazy, so what do you need to do to stop allowing her neglectful behavior to get to you?

Do you see where I am going yet? She will always be a bad parent. Nothing you can say or do will EVER change how she behaves, and will NEVER make her a better parent. You need to accept this fact of life. You are trying to reason the unreasonable and THAT is what is making you nuts!

Repeat this as often as necessary . . .  God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change, The Courage to Change the Things I Can And the WISDOM to Know the Difference.

I sincerely hope you find the Acceptance, Courage, and Wisdom to find Peace


The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[lucky]

Sunshine takes care of those kids on a daily basis.  

It isn't so simple to stay out of it when you're the custodial smom.  Trust me, I know, I've been doing it for over 8 years.  I'm counting the days till ysd turns 18 and I can tell the bitch to f-off and stop calling here but it isn't so easy to stay out of things when it IS your life affected every minute of every day.  I will NOT allow dh to handle things that I will end up doing or being responsible for, period.  That is MY life and not even HE gets to decide that stuff.  

BTW, I'm also an NC smom and it was WAAAAYYYYY easier for me to stay out of all that because I don't have to deal with it every day.  It only affected MY life on weekends and holidays.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[lucky]

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[lucky]

I don't have any advice for you Sunshine.

I can tell you that about three years ago, I was feeling exactly what you're feeling.  I still feel it sometimes, but not ALL the time anymore.

My dh STILL doesn't do anything.  Recently, pbfh made arrangements with ysd regarding her weekend.  Plans that included ysd coming back to our house from Sat. morning at 6am through Sun. morning after church.  WITHOUT asking us.  And, WITHOUT asking us, ysd agreed to it.

I was pissed off at both of them (and ysd knew it).  I made dh call pbfh and demand to know what was going on and WHY he wasn't notified 48 hours in advance per the court order (she had to work -- she works EVERY Sat. so it wasn't a surprise to her).  She told him that it wasn't between him and her, it was ONLY between ysd and her.  So dh went on to bitch about oss instead then she brought up osd (19 yo) and how he's a bad father to her for not seeing her (don't know where the hell she is!) and it continued from there till one of them hung up on the other (not sure which one did it).

This past weekend, she AGAIN called ysd and did the same thing only ysd asked her why she didn't tell her dad (who had answered the phone).  She said she didn't want to get yelled at again so she called ysd instead.  Ysd told her she HAD to talk to dh and handed dh the phone.  Isn't that dh's job to make sure pbfh tells him?

I'm still pissed because what if dh and I decide to go out of town or something?  She'll send her back to our house thinking we're there and what'll ysd do then?  We live in MN and if we're gone, ysd will freeze to death and pbfh will blame us.  I know it. But it'll be because she won't talk to dh and HE won't enforce the letter of the order making her responsible for notifying him in advance AND getting his agreement.

Thank goodness ysd is 14 and has sense enough to go to a neighbor's house and call us on our cells if that were to happen.

Ok, my vent is done, too.   Just so you know that I've BTDT.  Eventually the kids will grow up (good or bad) and you won't have to deal with her as much.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Sherry1]

me it can be done... I stepped out of the "I am doing everything" role to forcing DH to deal with it.  If Custodial stepmom cuts way back on her "handling" everything dad won't have a choice but to step up to the plate or everything goes to hell in a handbasket.  Custodial SM did not make the babies.. DH and the ex did.

[lucky]

If for no other reason than my sd deserves better than that.  It isn't her fault that her mother is the way she is and it isn't her fault that her dad doesn't want to deal with her mother because her mother is the way she is.

I do think there are things that Sunshine can let go of to make herself less crazy.  

However, for me, as long as they live in MY house, I cannot let go of most of it not knowing that dh will deliberately avoid any and all contact with pbfh no matter what I want or say or do.  

It is MY HOME and dh doing that WILL ultimately directly affect me almost all of the time with the pbfh that we have.  

Or it will leave ysd high and dry and her plans/life screwed up and I care too much to see that happen anymore if I can prevent it -- got two older ones already heading down that path -- one has pretty much reached rock bottom already.  YSD deserves better than that -- so did the others, but I decided to step out of the crap and let dh and pbfh deal with it.  

Perhaps I could have made a difference, I'm not crazy though, is that a better trade-off?

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

[Sunshine1]

There are three things I know about myself that I can freely admit:

1. I like to be in control of my household.
2. I am stubborn.
3. I hate BM....wait that isn't about myself..ummm, I have a hard time swallowing my pride.

Seriously all your responses helped me.  I wish BM was normal, but after I read jolawandas post (very funny thank you) I decided to look up individually BM's actual diagnosis from her psychologist.

This woman is really messed up, and technically it isn't her fault.  She picks on me because she is threatened, and that is ok.  I wish she would stop picking on the kids though, they really don't need that crap on every single visit.

The things I can change (thank you Hagatha) is the way I deal with her.  I will just do the homework BEFORE they go to her house.  I won't worry about what "might" happen and just worry about what "did/does" happen.  I had a heart to heart with the little one and his mother is driving him nuts.  The oldest, when it is time, will tell his mother she is acting like a fruit, and to stop it.  I have a feeling when they get a little older they aren't going to want to go there and will tell the appropriate people that when it is time...all in God's time.  I need to remember that.

She just really gets under my skin when she sends a 2 page letter about DH's parenting skills when it is really directed towards me.  She couldn't take care of an ant farm let alone these kids.  They would go to hell in a hand basket...but not on my watch they aren't!  

Thanks guys for calming me down.  I think that time of the month is coming!  LOL Hahahahah!!

)(

[dontunderstand]

Sunshine,
It is hard to not react when you are dealing with disfunctional people!  I know it is hard for me.  This is your family and I know  for me I am a real B!T$% when it comes to my husband and kids!  Just hang in there and remember what a great person and parent you are and when she sends sh!t like a 2 pg. letter, smile and remember it is a reflections on how she feels about her own inadequacies!!  When she is going nuts, smile and know that her own kids, her own blood think she is a nut job!  And lastly, smile and thank God for being sane and rational!