change for the better-?-big step

[hopeful_25]

My DH and I have been married for 8yrs and he has a son 12 and we have two children (4&6).   I love my ss dearly but the chaos he brings is hurting our family.  Now that he is able to decide if he wants to be at our house--dh has joint legal, eow, 2days during week and we live 20 miles apart with us doing all the driving--he has said numerous times that he wants to come live with us.  It tears me up everytime he comes and says mom promised this or that so he will stay there and then the next day he is saying he wants to live with us because we don't buy his love we show it.  I suggested that since we are experienceing some major changes in our household that maybe he stay with his mom for the next month while we adjust.  This may also be in the best interest of ss since he has 2F, 1D-, 1C+ and aB.  He has lost motivation at school which the teacher recently commented.  I know the reasons being his mom recently married a man with cancer and his stepdad died 2yrs ago from a terminal illness.  Today they moved into their new house that they built--6 bd! wow!  I think the more we try to help ss the worse she pushes ss to be there.  I don't care if he is as long as it is for the best and he is happy.  Though it seems he calls and begs for us to come get him more frequently on her weekends and her time.  He never says he wants to go to his mom's.  In fact, when we tell him to get his things ready to go to her house, he says no or asks to stay later.  She wants to put him in military school or send him away but will not even consider letting him have a chance here.  Dh is worried son will perseve this as giving up on him (which we would never do).  I think he is emotionally tired of the roller coaster.  Whatever he decides I will support him.

Has any one else experienced this "letting go".  How do you defend yourself in court that you really wanted to spend time with child but in the best interest of child (who might actually fail this grade)something has to change.  Let's try it ???  Is this what is best--I don't know.  Comments welcome.

[catherine]

this statement "Now that he is able to decide if he wants to be at our house--dh has joint legal, eow, 2days during week and we live 20 miles apart with us doing all the driving--he has said numerous times that he wants to come live with us." and throughout your post you indicate that your SS has the power to make these decisions.

Let me tell you, he does not.  He is still a child and should not have the ability to play one household against the other, which is what he seems to be doing.

I would focus on him and his schoolwork, and try to make a difference there - get involved as much as possible.  Get him a counselor to talk to.

Skids living with you can sound wonderful but most often leads to many many more problems, if the kid is screwed up.  Be careful what you wish for!

[hopeful_25]

Thank you for the advice.  We have realized that he is playing the households.  Lying to get anything he wants.  I love him dearly but the stress has drained me.  We tried counseling, but he refused to talk.  The counselor tried to get him about anything and nothing was ever discussed so the counselor said he was doing fine, and well-adjusted.  There have been others but ss knows how to manipulate and play it all.
   As for the wishing....a few years ago I prayed hard every day that he would somehow get to come here and live.  I am not sure it would be a good idea now.  The type of friends and the things he says and does worries me.
   Thank you again.  It has helped.