Any Stepmoms out there dealing with nasty exes?

[Sunshine1]

I was reading your post FLMOM and with my mouth hanging wide open, because it is identical to mine...except for the mansion and the divorce part.  WOW!

I am a SM and a BM both the SM and the other BM are a PIMA!  We couldn't believe it was possible but both of them are mentally ill.  BF went and found him self a nice girl off the internet and she just so happens to be bi-polar...and not the good kind.  The BM is Manic-depressive, anorexic, and has panic attacks that render her into the ER, as well as an inability to EVER tell the truth to anyone.  Let's just say these two keep our lives extremely interesting!

I have learned to stay away from BM, we have had our knock down drag outs, court battles, and now I don't pet the shark so to speak.  SM has gone away, by legal means because she is out of control, so I had to deal with her the hard way and 17,000 later.

It took us 6 years to get to this point, but being nice just about kills them.  The only words of wisdom I have is do not stoop to their level...believe me I have, and even gone beneath their level,  but you will and it is all on your own time.  You will just wake up one day and say..DAMN, why do I let her into our home, lives, mind...I can tell you one thing since I have been the nicer one, my kids and my skids have seen the difference, and KNOW who the mean ones are.

Keep your chin up...and alcohol helps too. LOL :)

[FLMom]

Hey Sunshine---glad to hear I'm not the only one.

At first I thought that SM was just mean, but I've come to realize over the years that there is some kind of mental illness going on. If this wasn't a public forum I'd elaborate more, but time after time my suspicions have come up correct. At least now I'm almost able to second guess what's going to come up next.

SM has gone above and beyond the call of trying to interject herself into situations, but luckily I've been able to keep a good distance. About the funniest thing was when we were in court one time. SM apparantly assumed that it was an open hearing, even though my hubby and friends were all sitting on the bench outside the courtroom. Hubby told me later that SM and her entourage went trooping through the door of the courtroom, only to be forcibly stopped by a court deputy and ordered to stay out until and if she was called. You'd think from all of her experience she'd know what a closed hearing was.

Sorry---that was probably off subject, but I needed the giggle thinking about it.

I think probably the smartest thing we did early on was adopt a "what happens in the other household STAYS in the other household", and vice versa. I stop the kiddos mid conversation if they start telling us too much information, and it's trained them to do the same thing at the other household. I wouldn't know what's going on over there to the extent that I do, were it not for a tearful teenager who is dealing with her dad crying on her shoulder and not knowing how to make things better for him.

For the most part, the "Vegas" mentality works for us. It keeps me on a happy level somewhere between being angry at them and feeling pity for them. Like anybody, I've got my own baggage to tote home at the end of the day, ya know? Why be a skycap if you don't have to?

FLMom

[WhatToDo]

I also get to be the documenter. It actually makes me feel better to write all the stuff down. It's a way to get it out of my head but there are the instances when she does something so mean that I just can't stop thinking about it and even have problems sleeping! I can't avoid talking to her because she seems to like talking to me more than my fiance'. Well that was before...I guess now she doesn't trust me because I wasn't watching my fiance' and his daughter close enough the last time we had her. Doesn't even make any sense since nothing happened out of the ordinary. She's just trying to make more trouble I assume...but it sure is fun to make her squirm when she finds out things that we're doing to try to be closer to my fiance's daughter. His ex goes nuts the harder we try and I must say, I find some enjoyment out of it...

[topnotchdad]

My SD's BM has mental issues, which are not quite noticeable to people who don't really know her, so that is frustrating.  Mainly, she has a hard time telling the truth, combined with an eating disorder and panic disorder....

I can get over the fact that she lies to me, lies to everyone about everything.  Lies about illness, so she can play the victim.  If she gets really mad at someone, she'll call the police and make up a story about how they beat/raped/stole from her.  She lies to SD's drs and teachers, telling them that they aren't allowed to share information with us.

We can't tell which of her "medical conditions" are real or fake, so we don't know what we should worry about as far as SD inheriting things from her mom.  I guess as long as she doesn't inherit the mental illnesses, everything else is small potatoes.

What really burns me is when she lies to SD.  Tells her she is going to do something with her, and then doesn't do it.  Tells her bad things about me.  Tells her that DH and I are getting a divorce, and she'll never see me again.  Tells her that they're moving away and SD is going with her and will only see us on the weekends.  That really makes me mad.

She gets pets for SD, then gets rid of them a couple months later and tells SD they got run over, they went to live at a farm, they're at "obedience school," etc.  She is currently trying to guilt us into taking her cat--it will be the 3rd cat she's gotten rid of.

The other thing that burns me up is when BM tells me that I don't love SD "as much" as she does, and that I don't understand that because I don't have any "real" kids.  BS!  I have been a part of SD's life since she was 1.5 yrs old (BM & BF were never married--never even really dating).  We've had 50/50 custody for more than 3 years now, and I am more of a "parent" than BM.  I take SD to all her lessons/activities/games.  BM rarely attends sports/school activities.  BM has the nerve to tell me I am "overstepping my boundaries" one day, and call me and ask me to take SD somewhere for her the next day.  And BM is a "stay at home mom" but won't even sober up long enough to bake cookies for the bake sale, and has only been to 2 out of 10 sports games this year!

She also had the nerve to try to ask us for child support, even though she voluntarily doesn't work b/c her new husband makes more money than DH and I put together!

I REALLY enjoy being a step-mom.  I like having the 50/50, because I still get alone time with DH, but we also get plenty of time with SD, especially b/c we take her to all her extra activities during BM's week, b/c BM won't take her.  But I wish that BM would cooperate a little in raising her daughter, and would quit bitching at me all the time.  And DH's attitude doesn't help at all--he just argues with her all the time, and he's not responsible for keeping dates/times straight.

[1-daddy]

In my case, BM has filed numerous reports with ACS.  She coaches the kids to lie and they do.  DH was 2x arrested the scariest thing I have ever had to deal with. Yes, we keep proving ourselves time and again, a not guilty and 3 unfoundeds but she now names our 2 yo son in the reports. I have to be investigated, they even contact my sons doctor.  The kids are fine when they are here but when they are not they lie about me, their daddy, their brother...  

Just this past summer, BM made allegations that our 18mo bit the 7yo and he is afraid to come here.  That my son is a cannibal because I still breastfeed him. The kids said I verbally attacked them in a park when they were with the grandmother: I spewed threats and profanities: they hate me so much because I am so mean they never want to see their father again.  They told this to a police officer, a gal and ACS case workers.  None of this ever happened. And when they were here they acted as if nothing ever happened.

Last year SD said DH and I failed to protect her 2x from an 85yo 2 time stroke victim that she said molested her. She was very graphic to the detective at the police station and the ACS caseworkers and her therapist and even named the granddaughter even though noone believed her.

How do you face the children when it is so easy to lie whether they have been coached currently or not?  what will stop them in the future from doing this all by themselves and what next, who next?  

How in the world can I disengage from this?

[dipper]

First, do you have any proof that bm is reporting this stuff?  If not, file to have this disclosed to you in court?  Then you can go after her for harrassment.....

Also, your dh could use all these false claims by the children - and the graphic descriptions to request a judge order counseling for the children...perhaps total family counseling so that you all are not further lied about to the counselor without any protection.

Other than those things, I would say tell dh he can see his children away from the rest of you.  Whether they are being coached or not, this is too much for you and the other children to have to endure.  As things currently stand, you cannot help your steps....you have to protect yourself and yours in my opinion....

I would definitely consider seeking court help - bm needs to know these games will not be tolerated and that this is emotional abuse on her own children....

[gabes_mom]

Melissa3--- that is too funny and reminds me of a sittuation we've had.  My SD's last birthday (back in June) we sent a huge shipment of toys in a box packed with peanut.  The BM got ticked because the toys were packed in peanuts!  I guess the kids got them scattered all over the place.


She also said to DH and I quote " what if they eat them?" DH said now Blank you are their mother I am sure you aren't going to let them eat the peanuts, you have more sense than that don't you?"  I couldn't stop laughing it was PRICELESS.

[1-daddy]

What kind of court help?  We have already had it court ordered numerous times they attend counseling.  For one BM cannot follow a court order and for a judge to find her in contempt we need to A) show up for court on numerous days and loose money. B) pay a lawyer.  BM will file counters and then a trial will begin again...
At best she will be found in contempt, a useless piece of paper that will not bother her one bit. We already have these.

When they went to counseling they would lie to the couselor and BM and her lawyer would beg the judge to allow the counselor to testify which we made part of the  stip from the beginning. Then we would need to come in and the story would change but the counselor said there was many reasons they could have changed their story one being they do not feel comfortable around us.  This was a counselor that came recommended by the GAL. There would be more hurt feelings.  Of course this was before we had the foremsics evaluation on hand but I just don;t want ot hear it anymore, I am hurt and tired. So still I met with the school counselor myself when through our insurance book and called everyone at least twice. I met with someone 2x and we are on a waiting list at 2 places, most don't want to be bothered.  I am working harder than both parents and I will always be the evil step-mom.

We share 50/50 on our weeks I pick them up from school and drop them off, I help with their homework, I put SS in tutoring last year (BM refused to take him on her weeks), I plan their parties and buy their gifts.  DH works alot to provide for us so I feel this is the least I can do.  But I give him hell and I feel bad for that.

I do not want to be the one that pushed him, I am hoping he makes the decision on his own otherwise he will resent me.  I want my amrriage ot work and we have a young son (21mo) who loves his siter and brother.

Why is life so difficult....

[hagatha]

1daddy.

I would get them to a different therapist on your weeks. There I would sit them down and tell explain to them they lying must stop. I would explain why the lying is hurtful and what could happen should someone actually believe these lies. Namly daddy would go to jail. I would work to get them to disclose who is telling them to lie. And what they should do instead.

Then based on what happens in that therapy, I would consider a move to change custody with supervised visits for mom if she is the one telling them to lie.

The Witch

Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[1-daddy]

We are on a waiting list for a therapist.  Many out here don't want to know us once I mention all the court stuff/false reporting.  I feel this is something I must mention because BM will undoubtedly have them lie to the therapist and they need to know this and why. The children will never give up their mother or grandmother, ever, they defend them to the end.  But 2 GAL's and a forensics evalautor felt BM coached them and documented such.

We went for full custody with supervised.  The first trail went on and on for close to 3 years and cost $165,000 and that does not include lost wages. The judge granted DH residential custody but only temporary in the interim of the trial. We went for all the testings, counseling, etc. but the judge refused to put a cap on the trial and BM was not going to rest her case.  She is also very skilled at distracting the courts and dragging things on forever.  So we finally settleed on the 50/50 with stipulations that have not been followed ut in order to get a useless piece of paper that say contempt we must go forward woth a long trial.

The 2nd time BM dragged us back into a different jurisdiction, she had to move near us on a bogus change of circumstance (the kids lied about). This just one month after the stip was signed on the last trial.  After the GAL read the forensics evaluation from the first trial out loud, the judge said he had serious concerns with the mother and there was going to be a very long trial, that would cost alot of money and someone would end up with full, sole while the other would have supervised.  He ordered yet another round of testing and allowed BM's portion to be paid by the state and we would have to come up with at least 10's of thousands more, we said no way financially and emotionally, before we could BM withdrew and we followed suit.
 
We have made many many attempts at calmly reasoning with the kids telling them we do not tolerate the lies.  But they seem unaffecting by reasoning and only show emotion when we are truely upset/angry.  This has been going on for years.
I agree they need counseling I'm just discouraged that it will just be another emottional battle and I am tired.