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Any Stepmoms out there dealing with nasty exes?

Started by kricket25, Oct 19, 2006, 05:39:26 PM

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iLUVmySD

My SD's BM was actually a good friend while my husband continued to pay BM child support each month from March 2004 to February 2005, while SD lived with us in our home.  BM lives in another state about 800 miles away. (She actually even asked me to be the maid of honor in her wedding. However the wedding never happened.)
The turning point happened when my husband took her to court for custody in our state and won, and now he's going for child support.  Things got really ugly!!!!!!!  It is an obsession for me to track and document all information regarding this case in preparation for if we have to go to court again, which I'm sure we will.  But then of course I've been doing it for about 5 years now.  My SD is 7. :)

timtow

Wow, this is all so sad.  Looking at all of this -- the craziness, the expense, the energy drain -- I am not surprised at the spike in mental illness in kids.  And it's been going on long enough that I guess we're looking at a new generation of young parents enmeshed in the same problems.  This stuff just sounds like a disaster and I don't see yet how the kids learn how to do different.  I'm a feminist and extremely independent, but hearing these stories, and going through the craziness of my own divorce (which is apparently a good one!) makes me think that really, unless one spouse is beating or ruining the other, the SOP ought to be to suck it up, maybe get a separate room or apartment somewhere so people can get away from each other, and otherwise just have quietly separate lives until the kids are launched.  Then you can have your miserable nasty year or two in court without a custody battle, the kids have their own lives and some shelter from your lunacy, and then things can settle down again.  

The kind of stories I'm reading here have me persuaded I should leave remarriage alone until after my daughter is grown and on her way, and make me hope x will find some nice, gentle, caring lady who doesn't want kids.  Just to keep things simple, stable, and relatively inexpensive.  

OK< I'm off to work & do something productive.  

mango

I have read most of the posts and I am a SM too. BM and my hubby were never married, and BM was not around when SD was only 2. SD was with dad.

But when I came into the picture BM got possessive, and wanted back in. Ended up getting 50/50, around age 5. Now SD is turning 13 this week, and the evil BM has completely managed to turn her against our entire family, friends, and neighbors. She has taken us to court at least 5 battles trying for SOLE. Never getting it, but always getting something "more" that what she had, just to shut her up. So a year later we would be back for another chunk of time to be removed, and so on...

Now that SD is 13 she is refusing to see us. Says it's an inconvenience to her social life. Not matter how nice, perfect, wonderful she has it at our house, the BM finds 'something' to reduce our time with. We even got one of the best counselors in town, and the PAS has managed to WIN despite of it. BM has turned SD against counselor too.

I finally started to separate myself from the situation about a year ago, as I was documenting, defending, and always trying to anticipate her next move. It was literally making my ill, and taking away from my own life with my own kids. Time I would never get back–ever. No matter what courts favor the BM's. Even if dad is perfectly good. My step daughter is so lucky to have such a wonderful dad. (He is a lot like the Little House on the Prairie dad/Charles. - no lie). ..if she only knew what she was denying herself....

I never could understand why a BM would want to deny a child such a good thing. She wants to cut us out completely, because she is SO INSECURE that her daughter might love us too. So she simply makes sure she can never get close to us, and twists anything good into bad. You'd be amazed at how manipulative this BM can be. Pure EVIL.

I surrendered to prayer, as it is out of our control. We hang on with a thread. My husband is ready to cut the thread himself, as it is difficult for him to see what his SD has turned into to. She lies, and plots with her BM to get out of coming to see us. Our 50/50 plan is nearly one weekend a month, as she calls to cancel nearly each week. We just want to stay out of court. The stress of court alone has stolen so much of our life. Again, part of our prime years of life that we will never get back has been spent stressing about attorney bills, court dates, and how to hang-on to his daughter.

I think we finally hit our end. All I can think is we have done NOTHING to deserve this. Maybe just maybe someday SD will regret dumping us Us being her dad me, her 3 half-siblings that adore her, and her grandparents, not to mention her only cousins, as she has none on her BM's side). But we have fought with all we had, and it was never enough. When her excuse now, is I can't see my friends when I'm at your house, I can't concentrate on school-work, I can't sleep as late cause of my siblings...we accomodate her complaints, and she always comes up with a new excuse...it's perpetual.

I do wonder now if Karma will happen... I do not wish bad upon BM, I actually wish she could find her own happiness so she can leave us alone. But I do think someday her daughter will see us in a different light. If she can ever get separated from  her mom long enough to get her own mind. She will do whatever her mom asks her to. Even has the same favorite color as BM.


Her BM is so clever and a very strong personality, (She is well educated N-BPD)  4 college degrees, very little actual work experience though. She has managed have student loans and milk her parents for money to sustain her self the entire time I have been around. According to hubby she was in school when he met her too (she was around 29ish then). Age 42 now, and 4 degrees later she finally got a really good job. I'm actually happy for her, and hope it keeps her occupied enough to get a life.

She obsesses over our lives, and runs us down daily. She is consumed with getting rid of us. She has finally won. Her negative influence is too strong.

My one peice of advice is do not get so caught up in it that you loose part of your life, as you can never get that part back. So much of the "BM's" stuff and court stuff is out of our control and we can only do so much. Good luck.

Stirling

"the SOP ought to be to suck it up, maybe get a separate room or apartment somewhere so people can get away from each other, and otherwise just have quietly separate lives until the kids are launched."

The problem with this is that this is the only marriage relationship that the kid's will know, and they will think that it is normal and healthy.  They will model their own relationships on this model since it is the only on they know.  


"I should leave remarriage alone until after my daughter is grown and on her way"

This is pretty much my plan.  1.5 years to go!  Actually I plan to reinvent/transform my life experience in many ways once my youngest is emancipated.  Remarriage may or maynot be part of that.

gemini3

I just found this website a few days ago, and I have to say that it helps.  I'm not even a stepmom yet!  I have been with my fiance for over a year, and his kids BM has always been sort of bad, but since we decided to get married and moved in together she's been out of control.

I read two very helpful books:  Divorce Poison by Richard A. Warshack, and Divorce Casualties by Douglas Darnall.  I found both very helpful, but thought that Divorce Poison was the best because it gives you advice on what to do, instead of doing what most people tell you to do, which is nothing.  How can you stand by and do nothing when your DH's ex is bad mouthing both of you to the kids, making fals abuse accusations, not complying with custody agreements, ect?

I too have ended up being the "record keeper".  Maybe guys just aren't good at that huh?  It makes me feel better to see that there are so many other women out there who are the record keepers.  :)  It's hard because I start to obsess, and sometimes feel like I'm nagging my fiance to tell me what's going on.  


CGS

I've found great solace in "Joint Custody With a Jerk" too. It helps to put things into perspective when dealing with a pain of an ex.