Reflect on these parents love.

[Peanutsdad]

As a lot of you know, I work in a extremely busy emergency room. Tonight, I had a case that made me stop for a moment and think.

This young man came rolling into my ER via ambulance with a complaint of shortness of breath and high fever. His relevant medical history was for I.V. drug abuse and HIV positive. He had apparently been sick for several days. Before my eyes, I watched this young man lose consciousness and stop breathing. It was 2340 hours on Dec the 4th.

While we were coding this young man, his family showed up. they were well dressed middle class people, not gangbangers not ghetto trash. Just hard working family folks.  His mother and father (divorced I found later), both appeared at the room while we worked to try and save this mans life. Quite unexpectantly, we did regain a heart beat. It was 2359. At the stroke of midnight, his father leaned over him and said,, Happy birthday son. I love you. His mother stood to the other side of the bed, held his hand and wept quietly.

I had started to leave the room, to allow them to grieve his passing in solitude,, yet, something stopped me. At the door, I turned and asked quietly, " I dont even know your sons name, could you tell me a little bit about him?"

With halting words at first, the hard anguish so openly apparent, they began to tell me about this man  Son to them, til now, just a junkie to me.

They spoke of his continual battle to get of heroin and crack. They told me of his 2 children he hadnt seen in 3 years, simply because, he didnt want them to see him like this, yet he always sent money to the mother, and presents on birthdays and christmas. They spoke of the pride and love he showed when ever he would show off the pictures of his children.

They told me of his quick wit and ready laugh, how even when being beaten down by aids, he never dispaired. He could always see there were others who had it worse than he.

As the time wore on, and their words flowed freer, the love and pride showed so clearly in their voices and in their eyes. Despite this mans so obvious poor choices in life, choices that ended his life on his birthday at the ripe old age of 30, this family adored him, they treasured every moment of him regardless. they loved him and tried to help him.
And thru their eyes, he ceased to be a junkie to me.

When he passed, the tears were free flowing, yet there was laughter in the room as everyone there shared some story of this young mans antics, his humor or his escapades. The time came for this family to leave, I tried to slip out the door unobtrusively, but the mother and father wouldnt let me, they pulled me into their circle, they cried and hugged me as if I had given them something. I hadn't tho, it was they who gave me the gift tonight.

[MKx2]

for sharing this incredibly touching story, particularly poignant as we approach the Holidays.  What an incredible gift you both gave and received - your gift was that of caring.  Caring enough to want to know just who this young man was during his life-time, and they for sharing so much with you.  Your caring also brought with it healing - while we each grieve differently, having the ability to talk to someone so freely allows the healing process to start.

And you have given yet another gift to each of us, by sharing this story.  The gifts of acceptance and tolerance.  We all spend so much time on these boards trying to figure out why some NCPs will not take advantage of visitation.  Perhaps this story shows just one of the reasons why - it doesn't matter if the choice this young man made was right or wrong.  What matters is that, in [em]his[/em] perception, not allowing his children to see him deteriorate was his gift of love, to them.

There are times I read about people and their situations that truly humble me ... this is one of them.  

[sweetnsad]

beautiful story....Thank you for sharing it with us...It just goes to show that we should never, ever "judge a book by its cover"...Even the hardest of criminals have people out there that love them and know them for what they probably are deep down inside themselves...
How quickly we assess a situation and make it what we want to believe it is.....and how wrong we usually are...
Thank you again...:-)

[Indigo Mom]

For both you and this mans family.

I know you don't like to be patted on the back, but PD...you made the death of their son something absolutely stunning.

You made this man a human being, you made it personal.  By doing so, you gave this family the ability to share the "good times" they've had, and the ability to reflect on their son being human.

They're used to him being a drug addict.  That's what people see.  That's what they call him.  That's why he's not been "accepted" in todays society.  I bet there's only a handful of people who REALLY know this man. (or should I say a handful + 1 now)

They peeled away that first layer and gave you a peek into his life.  How lucky you are, how lucky they are for you.

Death has been feared for so long.  Death is known as a horrible experience.  At this mans moment of death, you made it beautiful, which is what I personally believe it should be.

Had you not been there, this family would have been screaming in agony, crying for their sons death, beating walls because he was gone.  Instead, you helped them to laugh and cry and reflect.

THE FOLLOWING IS MY OPINION ONLY!!!!!  NOT MEANT TO "CHANGE" ANYONES WAY OF THINKING.....

I believe the spirit leaves the body at death, but many times, clings to this world to "help" their loved ones who are left behind.  I truly believe you allowed this man to go home because YOU are the one who took care of his family.  

PeanutsDad...there are no words to describe what I want to say to you...so I'll just say, DAMN...you ARE a wonderful creature.

[Indigo Mom]

I always forget something!

You allowed this man to die with dignity.  He is no longer "just an addict" he's a father, a son, a brother, a man who LOVED his children so much that he refused to allow them to see him in this deteriorating mode.

Peanut, I hope the paternal family is one day allowed to tell his children what a wonderful person their father really was deep down inside.  I hope they don't go on believing he's just a drug addict, just a loser, but a real human who loved others so much he sacrificed himself and his own feelings.

yooza gots me all types of mushed up inside!!!!!

[Kitty C.]

I work in emergency medicine also, pre-hospital.  Yes, they may have given you a gift, but you gave to them as well.  You gave them 'permission' to celebrate his life, even as he was dying and they were overcome by sorrow.  You showed them that they could find joy in the midst of sorrow.  Just by taking an interest in him.

I was on a code recently, that was paged out as a person 'passed out'.  We didn't realize that it was a code until we got there.  It was an elderly female and her husband had called it in.  Throughout it all, I was amazed at the husband's ability to remain calm while we were trying to bring his wife back.

Come to find out, she had a VERY lengthy history, a DNR, and a husband who loved her SO dearly that he knew it was better for her to go peacefully, knowing that she was no longer in pain.

I don't know how long you've been in emergency medicine, PD; I've been in it for over 8 years.  But it never ceases to amaze me when I hear loved ones tell us 'thank you'.......when it is US who should be thanking them, for all the lessons they have taught us.  

Many people believe that emergency medicine is too stressful and ALL you do is give.  Yes, it can be at times, but there ARE rewards and it CAN make all the difference in the world.

[StPaulieGirl]

What a powerful story.  Thank you for posting this.  I don't think I could work in an emergency room.  At least this man went out of this world with his family there.

[Peanutsdad]

Kitty,

I've been in medicine since 1990,, and was a combat medic prior to that.

And yes,, most of the years spent in emergency medicine. I tried to leave it once,, and managed to last 3 years out of an ER.

Sorry for the length of time on reply, but I took my son out of town this weekend.