Getting Married - Again

[Wi-Mom]

Well.. I'm getting married in September. Both of us are divorced. I have 3 kids. He's also got 3. 2 with one mother, 1 with another. I'm coming into this marriage owning the home I've lived in for 12 years. If I were to die, I would want my ex-husband to move into the house and continue to raise our children in the home they've grown up in. The house should go to them. (fiance totally agrees). If we were to divorce, again I would retain the home for my children. I am also an artist and have a lot of artwork that has some value. My ex and I still have mutual funds in a joint account. Per divorce.. half of those are mine also.

Our concern is for his ex wife and children. We don't want his children to have any rights to any of the possessions I've owned prior to our marriage. These things are for my own children. In Wisconsin when we are married all possessions become the property of both of us.

In the event of our death, I would want to prevent his family from making any claims. Another concern would be if he were to possibly lose his job and fall behind on child support. How do I protect my own finaces/possessions from any possibility of being subject to any consequences?

Do I need a Pre-nuptual agreement? Or a will? Does anyone have any experience in these things?

[Peanutsdad]

I would advise you to post this to Soc's board.

My own knowledge of this tells me that a prenup will adequately protect your possessions/finances,, BUT,, I really think its best you speak with an attrny.

[sweetnsad]

I've read your re-edited version of this for Soc and I left a response, but it was deleted, so I'll write it again...Anyone that wants to read her actual post to Soc should do so...it explains what I'm trying to say here.

I don't think you should marry this man...I feel sorry for him...it seems you are more concerned about what he and his family shouldn't get if you divorce or die rather than your actual marriage vows and the committment you are supposed to be making to him AND his children...

How would you feel if he did this to you??  I read in your post to Soc that your new hubby would be out on the street if you die so your ex husband and children could live in YOUR house....Sorry, but I think that's awful.  Why did you divorce your ex if you still want HIM to have everything rather than your new hubby?  It doesn't make ONE bit of sense to me.  How does your fiance feel about all this??  Does he matter at all?  What about his kids?  Why are you marrying him?

[Wi-Mom]

Wow! I wish people would read ALL of other people's posts. My fiance totally agrees with this.

My fiance has children that live with their mothers. NOT us. My children were born and raised in the home we are living in now. They've never known another home. Our next door neighbor's kids are their best friends. When ex-hubby moved out it was our biggest concern that the kids never have to leave that house and our entire divorce was tailored around making sure the kids and I stay put. Absolutely.. without question.. THAT house goes to my kids in the event of my death. (NOT my ex) I'm sorry you have a problem with that but they love that home. It means a lot to them. Love, security... everything.

Now I bring this man in the mix. He moves in with me and my three kids. Imagine the day after the wedding.. I DIE.  Do you think it's right for new hubby to keep the house and my kids have to leave their home, friends and everything they know to go live in an apartment with their father? My ex would get the kids. My new hubby would get the house.  According to Wisconsin laws.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make ONE BIT of sense to you. I guess I'm just a stupid moron.

And pardon me for wanting to make sure that my children are financially taken care of if I died. My ex and I left our mutual funds together so they could grow faster and the half that's mine will be enough to pay off the house should I die. And forgive me.. for wanting my children to keep my artwork.  I am the artist. It would mean the most to them. Horrible.

[nosonew]

and so it is hard for them to understand this.  I get along with my ex, but not to the extent you do.  However, I highly encourage this type of thing as it is best for the kids.  


I for one commend you for putting your children first, and finding a man who agrees to put them first.

Regarding the legalities, I'm sure you will need an attorney to do any paperwork, as I'm sure this will need to be documented, however, in most states, the spouse has to sign off on it as well, to prove he is in agreement, which shouldn't be a problem in your case.

Good luck, and hang around!

[Davy]

Wi-mom ... most posters on this site would completely agree with all your endeavors to put the kids FIRST irregardless of their own  misguided selfish desires.  

I for one despise the mother of our children for what she has done to our children (it is really bad) and I certainly would not want her to gain financially or any other way from my passing but I have/would always put the kids.  

One would think legal instrutments are available to guarantee the protection of the property to your children even in the event the father remarries and he should pass which may end up being your real dilemma.

Your children are very fortunate !!
   

[Wi-Mom]

Thank you very much for your encouragement and support. I know 100% in my heart that I'm doing what's right. Thanks to Socratese's advice, we know where to go from here. If I create a revocable living trust leaving my house to the kids, my ex-hubby won't get the home he will just be the custodian of it until the children are I think 18 or 21 years of age.  A pre-nup will bypass the WI laws of communal property, and the trust will alleviate inheritance taxes, etc.  If I re-married without these things in place, and new hubby wanted to honor my wishes by giving the home to my kids himself, the kids (or someone) would have to pay sales tax on the home.  

I do feel fortunate to have had a very amicable divorce with my ex-husband. We are both still parenting our children together, and they don't have to experience the typical animosity most children do.

My heart went out to you when you mentioned the things your ex-wife did were really bad. I'm so sorry. The circumstances that caused my divorce were horrible too. Unusual, and really bad. There's a knot in my stomach that will probably never go away.. and it's probably where I stuffed all desires to avenge the hurt and the wrong.  I can't satisfy my own pain at the expense of the kids. They love their father.

We both realized that it wasn't our kids fault that we screwed things up and they shouldn't suffer any more consequences then they already have. They are truely the innocent ones, and it's really not fair to express animosity so they continue to suffer.  All the two of us consentrate on now is restoring them as much as possible. Despite our efforts, they have suffered irreparably. There is no way to tear a family apart without permanently damaging your children in some way. Why wouldn't everyone at least try to minimize that damage? I will never, ever stop regretting what we did to them.

[sweetnsad]

Sorry if you think I was "attacking" you, but your post to Soc left me a bit confused...I mean, you want to marry this man, but you also want to make sure that he gets kicked to the curb if you die??  So your husband can live in YOUR house?  

I mean, fine, if it's the house that your children grew up in and you want them to keep their home and stability...and also fine if you want them to have your artwork...but what about new hubby?  Does he benefit at all?  What does he get?  Nothing??  What do YOU get if HE dies?  Is he feeling the same way you do when it comes to his kids and his possessions?  

I just can't imagine doing this...I get along fine with my ex but there is no way that he would get my home and possessions if I died...I just can't
imagine doing that to my new husband.  But your relationship is something unique, I guess, and not for me to judge...sorry if I seemed too harsh.

[StPaulieGirl]

I was a little confused by your first post, and left it alone.  Now I'm even more confused.  If you and your ex get along so well, why on earth did you divorce in the first place?  This is a rhetorical question, because it is no one's business but yours.  I do understand that you want your kids to get the house in the event of your death, but the way you put it was a little cold.  Sorry :-(

[Wi-Mom]

I'm sorry if you feel confused about my post. I didn't include every single possible scenerio and sordid detail because I felt it wasn't necessary. I'll take care of those issues myself. I just wanted to know how to protect the specific items I listed.

If you must know.. new hubby would get my $175,000 life insurance policy, my 401K, my stocks and stock options that I have through my place of employment.  That oughta make sure he finds a curb on a really nice street.

Let me clarify that in explaining that if I died and my ex- husband moved into the house to finish raising our children and that yes, that would mean that my new husband would seek another place to live since he is perfectly capable of supporting himself... was an awful lot of words. "New hubby's out on the street" was what in English class we call a "figure of speech" and is useful in making simple statements that have obvious implications to make a quick point. I guess I never figured anyone would take that literally.

Honestly, he's coming into the marriage with a car, and some football cards, and a very large student loan to pay off, and a small 401K. That's about it. His kids get 65% of everything he makes. I'm not complaining I'm not marrying him for someone to support me. We both have collected some books together that he will cherish if he lost me. The hours we've spent studying them together will already provide a lifetime of memories. I didn't know that I was required to share all of this to ask a question here.

You keep going on and on about how you can't imagine your ex getting your home... Please...
 MY EX-HUBBY GETS NOTHING. HE LIVES IN THE HOUSE UNTIL THE CHILDREN ARE OLD ENOUGH TO OWN IT THEMSELVES. THEY GET THE HOUSE, THE ARTWORK,  1/2 THE MUTUAL FUNDS. HE GETS NADA!

There's nothing to judge. It's the right thing to do. If it's unique to make sure that your kids are taken care of in case of your death then that's pretty sad.

My idea of "making sure my kids are taken care of" is in direct opposition to the Wisconsin state laws. Go figure. In settling these matters before they happen we get the control. Not the court system. That's simply wise. That's what a last will and testament is all about. I don't think anyone disputes that everyone should have one. In a second marriage situation, that becomes a little more complicated. Probate is NEVER a good thing.

[Wi-Mom]

My apologies for the dry sense of humor I tend to use. Honestly, my fiance is the one pushing for these documents so that in his words, "I have something to point to so there's no questions."

He is my best friend and the love of my life. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

[sweetnsad]

Well, that's the first time you've referred to him in words other than "new hubby is out on the street"...but, I'm glad that he wants it the way you do...at least we don't have to worry about he will feel about all this later.

No one says you have to explain your whole entire life in complete detail to ask a question...but when you ask a question and put it the way you did, you leave alot of doors open for people to jump all over you.  You sounded very cold and heartless when it came to your new husband and his children.  Sorry.

But, I commend you on being very sure that your children will be 100% looked after.  Very devoted mother.

[StPaulieGirl]

He sounds like a very decent and fair man.  Congratulations on your upcoming wedding :D