Stepfather wronfully accused of child abuse

[ex-stepfather]

I am new to this forum but I am up late, sitting here dwelling on what has happened to my relationship with my stepdaughter. I now call her my ex-step daughter because what has been done to my wife and I by her, my wife's' own parents and the child's biological father is unforgivable.

The past 7 months have had me feeling suicidal at times, angry, sad, depressed, and resentful. My coping skills have dwindled at times. I have had nightmares and woken in a cold sweat on more nights than I care to remember.

I have articles of clothing that I sweated fear so deeply in to that I had to throw them away because the smell of the chemicals your body releases when you are fearful and "ready for battle" made these clothes permanently ruined. No matter how many times I had wash them, the smell would not wash out.

My stepdaughter; I loved her with all my heart. She was not of my blood but it did not matter to me. Nor did it matter that she had a different last name than my wife and I. I was the one who raised her since she was in infant.

The father is a 7 time arrested criminal. A raciest. A person who has been arrested for DUI's and "gay bashing" possession of drugs, public drunkenness. He beat a homosexual man with his other white supremacist friends so badly that he was hospitalized with fractured fingers and ribs and blood in his urine.

The biological father came in and out of the child's life at his own liking- even after he sued my wife for shared custody and won- he still never followed the court mandated arrangement. The biological father came in and out of my stepdaughters' life. No one ever kept him from her, ever.  

We were all ways fearful of him. He strangled my wife while she was pregnant with his child. He punched holes in her wall after breaking in. He would take the child with no seatbelt on in a crappy car. It went on and on for 11 years.

We tried to not bad mouth the father- but even his own child at ages 10 and 11 was starting to realize what a piece of garbage he is.

On August 11 of 2003, the biological father took my step for a "camping trip" He had not seen her for over 6 months- her birthday and Christmas went ignored by him.

I should note also that he has 2 other children with his live in girlfriend. So my stepdaughter had 2 siblings that she barely knew.... What a painful and confusing situation that was for all of us.

On August 22 I was served a PFA, order of protection by a sheriff. I was accused of physically and emotionally abusing my 11-year-old stepdaughter. My wife was also implicated and the complaint was that she did noting to help her daughter be removed from an abusive relationship. The stepchild had told a social worker this information.

I went with my wife to hire a lawyer and while we were away, my wife's mother, sister and the biological father came in our house, using a key the child had, and they moved the child out of our home. They also removed her from school.

My wife was not permitted to speak with her own daughter because "She was so upset from the abuse her mother allowed that she wasn't ready to forgive her."- The biological fathers girlfriend told my wife this over the phone. My wife tried several times to speak with her own daughter and was told by the biological fathers girlfriend to stop calling and that the child was not ready to talk with her mom.

My lawyer cut a deal with the biological father: Drop all charges and he gets full custody.

On the court day, the biological father showed up with a tee shirt on and his arms were covered in tattoos of neo-nazi symbols and demonic images. His head was shaven. A white-supremacist skinhead was actually accusing me of child abuse.

The child refused to speak with her mother in the court halls and was "protected" from her mother and me by a social worker. She was reading a book and smiling the entire time. Her only requests were for personal belongings: DVD player, SonyPlaystation2, TV set and other material belongings that were ours. She never asked to speak with her mom or for visitation or to have a family album with photos. It was a very heart wrenching and sickening day for us.

When the father found out my lawyer had got him to agree to pay all court costs, he flew in to a rage. Even the judge mocked him and ordered him to pay it.

To sidetrack for a moment. Three months before these accusations, the biological father was in court for non-payment of child support. He failed to pay his allotted $180.00 per month.

Now my wife and I pay him $600.00 per month in child support because we are professionals and make a fairly decent living... or did until all of this money we have had to spend.

Some of you may ask why my wife gave away custody. I have had doubts also. But what if they accused me of some thing worse? What if we took this child back home and she deiced to say that I was molesting her? My wife stood by my side 150% through all of this and maintains that I have done nothing wrong- that we have done nothing wrong.

After the court appearance was dropped, in November, my wife had several contacts with her daughter via email. My court stipulated agreement was that I have no contact with the child at all for the next 1 1/2 years so I was not involved with those emails. My wife received several very snotty messages from her daughter. The emails were disrespectful and horrific to read- I did read the letters from the child.

A few days after these emails were sent, I found my self opening the second letter from child protective services- requesting my appearance to answer an other accusation of abuse. This, even though I had not had any contact for 3 months. Again, my wife and I had to hire the lawyer.

Both accusations were labeled as "unfounded" by children protective services.

All criminal records were presented. A history of honor role school grades and high tests were shown. Every single weapon we had was used by our lawyer and us to show that we are normal people who did nothing wrong.... I am sure the social worker could see this and see the differences between us and the biological father. The social worker looked as if she was going to cry at one point and told us, "I am very sorry this has happened to you. At least you have each other. I wish you both the best in your marriage. I don't know what I would do if I were you."- Every accusation was unfounded. Thank god.

My wife finally had one visit with her child. I was not there but my friends were. I will not get in to all of the reasons why but it was a very disgusting and heart-wrenching visit for my wife. Dyed hair, a cell phone, basically accusing my wife and I of being a bad mother and father, to name a few insults thrown at her.

Then, in February of 2004, my wife got an other letter, this time from the county where the child resided, accusing my wife of sexually assaulting her own daughter. My wife had put her neck on a chopping block by visiting with the child with out a social worker present... I had warned her not to- but the motherly instincts took over. At least she made sure to take pictures and have witnesses during that one visit. The letter from the social worker came with a cover letter stating that the accusation was so outrageous that they were labeling it as "unfounded" and dropping it- I am sure that they had reviewed our file and spoke with the other counties social workers.

Well, in March of this year, I put my house on the market and moved 3000 miles away with my wife. I left behind not only a home that I loved but got rid of a 5000 gallon koi pond and many other hobbies and skills I have are now gone.

The legal fees and the move has nearly wiped us out but I feel that we had no other choice.

We lived 12 miles from the child. I drove past her school every day to work. My wife's mother and sister lived only 2 blocks from us. There were too many variables that would cause me to accidentally break my court-mandated order not to go near the child.

My wife had our lawyer write a letter stating that she did not want the child to be visiting with the grandmother- my wife's mother EVER and the biological father and the mother got a "lawyer" to write us a letter that mocked us, accused me of being a criminal, and my wife of being a bad mother.


I was living in fear every day that some one would once again pick up the phone and make an other complaint about my wife or me. I was living in fear that just driving some place- past g-maw or the sister or the school would cause me to see the child and a new, even more horrific accusation would be thrown at me.

The therapist we had been seeing agrees with removing our selves from dysfunction people and places. The therapist I had is also a licensed social worker. My lawyer definitely agrees with our choice to move away.

My wife and I did not tell any family members that we were moving- we did it unexpectedly and quickly.

My wife and I remain united. This has situation brought us closer together. We love each other deeply. We are a team. We know in our hearts that we have done nothing wrong. It has been so painful for us. We both have broken down and wept many, many times- and I am the kind of person who has never cried- but I have really lost it at times.

So we are in a new city now, trying to piece our lives back together again. I am still fearful of even leaving the house some days. I still have nightmares and I still worry all the time that some thing bad is about to happen. But I am starting to heal.

I am looking for a therapist that will help me deal with a loss of a child.

There are many things I am leaving out of this story: My wife's family is so extremely dysfunctional... Alcoholic father, neurotic mother and a sister who has a husband that tried to molest my wife at age 12. The mother and father did not own their house, they rented... I am sure that jealousy was part of their motivation to do what they did. That is an other story for an other time.

I should mention that my dad is actually my step-dad but I never viewed him like that. He is a MD. My mother and father were involved in this child's life also and she has never contacted them, either. I have 2 adopted sisters that are around the child's age- she sent one of them a hateful email. I should also mention that I am the oldest of 8 children. I worked for the YMCA for over 10 years. My wife and I do not have a criminal record of any sort... I am trying to give the reader an idea of our family value system.

I should also mention that to the best of my knowledge, this child has not been psychologically evaluated or in any therapy. Yes, we could have pushed for it but I have written off this child. In a perfect world, where I would have endless funds, I could go to therapy with her and the father and pay for it all and every one would live happily ever after but I am sorry, we can not afford a dime more on this. –

Sorry but I cannot sacrifice any more of my life and emotions on this. I am going to have a heart attack. I am 29 and started to have strange chest pains and all of the other  problems I mentioned.

I believe that she is so sociopathic and narcissistic that she is not salvageable. Sorry to you child advocates but you can walk in my shoes for a while and see how they fit you before you judge me and my wife. I wonder how the parents of a cereal killer or murderer feel when they know that deep in their hearts, they did the best they could as parents. I think about the Manendez brothers- how they murdered their parents for money- How in a way that was almost done to my wife and I.

I post this to share my story and hopefully I will get some advice, support, words of encouragement, stories that are similar, etc.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

-ex-stepfather

[sweetnsad]

I am so sorry for the pain that has been inflicted on you and your wife and step daughter...what a tragic story...You must feel as though you have nothing left to live for..

This is not the case...stay strong and keep the faith...this young lady will eventually realize that you and her mother loved her and were always there for her...she will someday realize that she has been brainwashed.

I heard a saying once..."God doesn't give us what we can't handle"...I believe that to be very true...although some situations seem so unfair at times, it's those that make us strong and who we become in the long run.

Take care and God Bless.

[nosonew]

OMG, this just breaks my heart.  I have no idea what I would do or would have done in your position.  Only you and your wife can answer that, and you have done what you feel is best for your own sanity.  

Perhaps someday when she grows up, matures, she will realize what she has done, ask forgiveness, and perhaps become your family again.

Soooo sorry this happened to you and your wife.

[SallyandJack]

my heart goes out to you & your wife

there are bad seeds out there - no matter what you do
sometimes it is better to move on which it seems like you are doing

there may come a day though when your sd wants to come back into your lives....what will you guys do if that happens?  You will have to prepare for that eventuality.

[ex-stepfather]

Thanks to all for the comments. It has been a few weeks since I have really been here to post.

I will not ever go near my step daughter again. It is that simple. She is cut off from me. And she has cut her self off from my family and I. She made it clear to my wife that she views my relationship with her as a forced punishment and even went as far to say that having to call me "dad" is considered child abuse by her and her family. She is not my child and I am not responsible for her. This is now a business decision I have made to protect what little bit of dignity and money I may have. I live on the other side of the country from her and she is not invited to visit. She also has yet to apologize to me or my family for the hurt and destruction she has caused.

I refuse to ever allow a sociopath to interfere with my family life again. I did the right thing by my step daughter up until she became a manipulative sociopath. I gave my step daughter my heart and soul and she used her extended family to try to "punish" me in a game of power and in a way to control my wife and play her biological father against my wife and I.

If you do any search on the internet, you will quickly see that even adults can some day have a "therapy" session where they suddenly and conveniently remember being abused- I do not have the money or time to waste on this any longer and I never will.

And all in the name of "compensation" I could find my self in court 6 years from now, defending an even worse accusation- dumping what little bit of money I may have in to yet an other accusation and paying a lawyer to defend me.

No thanks for trying to establish a relationship again. I have no interest in that. I will follow the lawyers advice.

As far as my wife is concerned: She has heard the lawyer speak- she ignored his warnings and she was accused of sexually assaulting her own daughter by having contact with her- so my wife is aware of the dangerous situation and how dangerous it is for her to have any further contact.

I do not know what will happen in the future or what my wife will do some day when or if she wants to see her daughter. I will be supportive but at the same time protect my self. I would imagine my wife will need to meet her own daughter in the presence of a social worker or a therapist or even a lawyer to make sure that even as an adult, her daughter will not try to sue her.

Am I being paranoid? Any thoughts are welcome, here. I don't know. I only follow my instincts and my lawyers advice. And as you can tell by my words, I am still very angry but more importantly, hurting a lot right now.

Being a defendant in court is the worse possible way to spend even one minute of your life and I plan on never going down that road again. I dedicated my life to my step daughter and before that, my life to children through the Y.M.C.A- and now I do not even like to be near children at all. I don't know how to reverse that- I am happy when I gain the courage to go outside or to go to work and earn money... I am slowly picking up the pieces of my life but each day is a process and a struggle.

I wish I could be stronger or braver but I am who I am and I am a very sensitive person- too sensitive, I know but I can't change that about my self- I am working on that also... but this experience sure didn't help me at all.

I am still digging out of the ever debt my wife and I are in from this horrible experience. We go from pay check to pay check now.

[KAT]

You aren't alone. We started on the same path 4.5 years ago. It was August 1999. My FORMER step daughter wanted to go live with no rules biomom. She had recently been caught smoking, drinking & having a 21 year old boyfriend at 14. GROUNDED!!! I know for a fact that bio took her to a lawyer as I found 3 copies of *list* "why I want to live with my Mom instead of my Dad". No where was any abuse listed. The lawyer obviously told bioloon that she had no case (due to, just as you stated, criminal & mental history, lifestyle ect.)....unless..UNLESS there was ABUSE! I'd almost think that your wife's ex married my husbands ex, so similar!!!!!
So they didn't have any abuse, just normal parenting therefore they  made up some. I was accused of emotional & physical abuse, my husband, her father was accused of sexual abuse...while he was sleeping mind you. If they made it to horrible, who would PAY support? Huh? We did the criminal attorney thing, the CPS thing too. See, Bio was totally jealous that he had remarried, that we bought a house, that he was going to college....that we had things she never would. Like your wife's husband, she never paid support (20. a week) & didn't come around with any frequency for 7 years until I came along. Little kids under foot didn't fit her party lifestyle....why pay support when you can get tatoos!
She also didn't want the younger son (what? I thought we were abusive!! Oh, that's right, he had ADD!!!!) .......until we went before the judge (for child support OF COURSE!) and the judge told her to support the one she has & Mr. KAT will do the same with the younger son. After that it was a 2 year campaign for her to get the younger son to live with them. She filed for custody, he stated he didn't want to live with her so we hired a lawyer to fight it. However, when cleaning his room I found a letter dated a few days previous "I want to go live with Mom because I need my freedom". Needless to say we were BOTH scared to death. The emotional & financial turmoil of the past was just to much for it to happen AGAIN (with us still keeping our santiy; our family intack).  He was packed & gone the same night. Let's face it, we knew what was coming.....I think if it had I would have moved up to the moutains and into a cave if it happened again. I have never in my LIFE known such PURE EVIL before. This is not the only thing this pig has done to us (family)...it would be a book.
Mr. KAT hasn't had any communication for his children nor does he want any....he is just too scared & so am I. Personally, if he did I would have left, though I never told him that.  He pays over 2 grand a month is child support, they live in an old blue trailer. Both children only have 8th grade educations, criminal records and not one of the 3 works. We still live here because according to the court order, we have to notify biotroll of any changes in address....that just isn't going to happen. Support terminates in 18 months. Our house will be up for sale at which time we are moving several states away.
Listen, you aren't being parinoid. BOTH our family and criminal lawyers (different firms) told us to have NO contact what-so-ever with them again. AGAIN.
Yes, I know it hurts. Just the day before this first started my step daughter & I were in the mall looking at new stuff for her bedroom. Laughing & joking, I bought her a fancy nail design kit (which, she packed of course, along with a ton of my jewels, credit cards & other financial information!!) she never said a word. We moved into our new house on Wednesday, Friday we got a call from the police station. It was just like you said...bio wanted to take them a few days earlier....CAMPING.
Kinda changes your thoughts on all this *child abuse* stuff now doesn't it?
Stop beating yourself up. Give yourself time to heal. Then once you are done start fighting for laws that change the way things are done today. If not for us then for that of your other children. So please don't kill yourself, we need you to help fight!!!
Best wishes to you!!!!!!!
KAT

[Peanutsdad]

I think perhaps grief counseling is in order for you both. Here are a coupla links to forums that might be able to offer more support.


http://www.webhealing.com/cgi-bin/child.pl

http://groups.msn.com/ChildLossGreivingwiththefamily/links.msnw

[mango]

How on earth is it possible to brainwash a child within a weekend? What type of torture and fear are tehy instilling on these children. They MUST be threatening thier lives or your lives to cause theme to re-coil.

These kids need to be analyzed by a professional to see what the sudden change was.

[Peanutsdad]

Frankly Mango, its not. It's much more insidious than that. It occurs over time, little hints here, little jabs there, until a child is finally hit with the whole thing and blam, one parent is out, and scrambling for a criminal attrny.

[mango]

We have been dealing with the little hits, and the disruptions on parenting time, and blocking the school. Constant insults and put-downs about our home, ability to care for, ...you know the drill.

So, one day it could just go click, and the alientating parent will blam them hard.

I don't see why more emphasis is not put on the "demeaning conduct" in ALL custody orders. They need to come down hard on the parents when "demeaning"  it seems nothing is EVER done about it, and it occurs in most (usually by the BM too) divorces.