I have been thinking........

[Stepmom0418]

I should have posted this under something diffrent but I couldnt make up my mind where I should put it.

DH says that it is not good when I start thinking! LOL!

Ok there are many NCP and CP on this forum. Now some may or may not like what I am about to say but I want to remind everyone that I am a CP and my DH is a NCP. So I can see both sides to this.

In my situation my ex only pays $90.00 per month in cs for 2 children. It is 75.00 current and 15.00 to his arrears, he is more than 11,000.00 in arrears. He does not have to carry medical insurance on either child and never has been ordered to do so. I am not working at this time and ex is. (I am not working due to taking care of my elderly grandma that has just passed away as well as my youngest daughter just started kindergarten and in reality it was cheaper for me to stay home with her than to pay for child care. I am now seeking employment as my days are now very boring with grandma gone and the little one in school) I allow my ex to see his children any time he wishes or anytime the children wish to see there father. I have sole custody but I still share.

My DH has one child and he pays over $200.00 per month in CS. He is in arrears but I am not sure how much now as he has been making extra payments to catch up. DH is required to carry insurance on SS. BM does not work and NEVER has had a job EVER! BM has physical custody and joint legal with DH. BM denys regular court ordered visitation but DH still pays support.


I can't understand how or why NCP's are paying support on kids they cant see but yet the BM doesn't work or provide financially and they get to see their children everyday.

If my DH with held support because BM denied visitation, who gets in trouble and goes to jail? DH does! If BM denys visitation so DH with holds support DH is in trouble again!!

I know, I know CS and visitation are two seperate issues! But why?? We have a duty to support but not a right to see our child everyday??!!

In my case ex can see his children when ever he wants to! (because I am a nice ex I guess! LOL) But yet he doesn't pay sh** for support and has never even offered to pay for anything on his own! Lucky guy if you ask me!!

Sorry you all!! I guess I needed to vent! Feel free to give me some feedback on this!

[joni]

You are the BM we all dream about.  You are a nice Ex who respects her children and puts her children first.  It has got to frustrate the hell out of you when you put no limits on your Ex's visitation and the whole time, deal with your DH who's denied visitation.

I think in my case, my DH's Ex would love it if he would pay all the CS in the world and never see his child.  She's a bitter and vindictive woman.  She stresses out and terrorizes their child terribly.

[MYSONSDAD]

Well, you are in the very small percentage group of CP's that actually put their children first. Actively practicing the best interest of the child.

Setting aside your own issues and keeping your children first. They will grow up and respect you. Many here know first hand how controlling CP's can be. We live it everyday. It is refreshing to find some who are willing to work with their ex's in the way you have.

I agree with what you are saying. I pay my support early and yet I can be denied repeatedly and nothing happens. Not even a slap on the wrist. And it is not fair.

This system needs to bring some equal ground into play. When a NCP follows the CO and the CP doesn't, more needs to be done. We have to level off the playing field.

The children are paying the true price for all this mess. They suffer right along with us...

And your ex IS lucky.

Good luck with the job search!

[kitten]

He was in SHOCK when he found out Will's ex is moving the kids away and how much he has to pay in cs.  My ex pays $276.00/mo. for our two girls.  I worked FT when we were married, but I work PT now because it is cheaper with the child care costs.  My little one does have to spend a couple of hours each day in child care and my ex and I split the cost.  We both put our girls first, I could not do it any other way.  For example:  Ex gets them every Wed and Fri night, xmas week I offered for him to keep the girls thu night also since he had xmas eve off.  In return, he let me pick them up on Sunday since he had then xmas eve and xmas day this year.  It was perfect.  
You know, we did not do well married, but I chose the right man to father my children.  PBFH feels she has the right to remove the childrens father from thier lives because she was betrayed by him.  My ex was betrayed by me, but has dealt with his pain without involving the children and we are better friends then ever now.  He likes Will, he respects him and despite what I did to him, he respects me.  

[Stepmom0418]

Thank you all for your responses! I knew that I would find a few that knew where I was comming from when posting this!

It is just so frusterating to watch all the suffering that our family goes through when BM denys visits! We dont understand it as adults so how can we ever try and explain it to any of the children?? Dont get me wrong we have tried to explain and they all know that it is not under our control at all. But do they understand? NO!! These kids have all cried and shown emotions due to this womans actions! I am at the point that I CANT stand to see her or even hear her voice because of the abuse that she has done to my children let alone her own child! The sad part is that there is not a damn thing I can do to protect my children or SS!!! (except what DH is doing and that is to keep on fighting!)

[MixedBag]

I wear different hats also -- hence my name, MixedBag.

When I was going through my #2, I had already been though #1....so I was thinking BTDT, know how this is gonna go, (he promised soooo many things -- lies -- that weren't put into the decree)....even though I'm the NCP this time.

Oh what a difference....and for DH too....

Suffering?  Yep, know all about that.

Crying kids?  You should have been here tonight to watch MSD(20)....not cool.

Love will help protect them along with the truth......it's amazing....

[MYSONSDAD]

Know far too well about the crying. My little guy has cried himself to sleep for the last two weekends. The programming is in high gear and I am at a total lose...

Long time to go before truth can come out, but love is something I have a universe of.

"Children learn what they live"

[Stepmom0418]

The saddest part is that we all teach our children not to fight! But I have now added to that ........if it is something that you truely belive in then fight and never give up the rights that we have been given!

[olanna]

"I can't understand how or why NCP's are paying support on kids they cant see but yet the BM doesn't work or provide financially and they get to see their children everyday."

Because if we don't, we could end up in jail. And it isn't all BM, in some cases, it's BD...like mine.  Better word would be CP.

[wendl]

Step I  know exactly how you feel, I am also a CP and my dh is a NCP. my ex is over 20k in arrears but I would never deny him our son (hell he just went to dads for a week at xmas that was not in our court order) cuz I knew my son wanted to see his dad and his parents.

Now my dh pays is cs (he is now a little in arrears 1st time in 5yrs) during the time I have known and been with dh his ex has denied visitaiton, not worked lived of the cs WHICH IS FOR THE KIDS and lived off her friends.  These woman and the courts don't take into consideration how other siblings whether they be 1/2 sibling or step, the actions of these CP's affect way more than their ex's if affects other kids, and other family members.

But hey thats ok, in this day and age of cs, NCP will get into trouble for NOT paying support BUT its ok for the CP's NOT to work as hey they are getting tax free money from cs.  

Very frustrating.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Stepmom0418]

In my case it is BM and that was what I was posting in regards to. Sorry if you took it the wrong way!

[Stepmom0418]

I think that it sucks when these women can mentally harm DH and I's children and there isnt anything I can do about it but hope that one day (Feb 9th) the courts will see what is going on and make the decision based on what is in SS best interest rather than siding with BM and all her lies.

I guess the only thing that proves what she is saying is a lie is that we actually have solid proof of our accusations and she has absolutely nothing!

Time will tell and hopefully the courts in Iowa will really consider the Best Intrest Of the child!

[olanna]

Nothing to be sorry for!  I think we all look at these situations through our own eyes and experience..after all, what else is there, really?

;)

[wendl]

Step,
You know my dh's case hope yours goes better than his did. The courts and BM did a grave injustice to DH now she can deal with the after affects.

I love my stepkids dearly however, I am thinking of my son, myself and my dh now.

I won't go into details as I am sure she still has nothing better to do with her life than for her and her friends to stalk me. But hey I guess I am soooooo interesting and she can't get enough of me LMAO.

I am secure in my relationship with DH, his children and myself and my life, I have no regrets as I did what I could for everyone.  I know that I am a good mother and I don't keep my son away from our child, I don't yell at him for not paying his support as I am financially able to support myself and our child.

GOOD NEWS my ex found a girl that wants to marry him, this one knows about all the court crap, knows about how far behind he is in cs, knows about all his children (he has 3 by 3 woman whom is is suppose to pay for but only has seen our child) She treats my son will respect and my sons treats this woman with respect as well. She truely cares about my ex and our child and WILL NOT allow my ex to live and mooch off her,  and I give her koodo's for that, for getting into a relatinship with my ex open eyed and I truely hope them a long life with much happiness.

My stepchildren in time as they get older will know that dad and I did everything we could (leagally) for them, and later in life bm can try to explain her ways and lies to them.



**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[backwardsbike]

Hi!

I am a NCP MOM-not by choice.  My situation is very acrimonious.  My ex will never just let me see the kids.  He will not outright deny visitation but he makes it so hard to make arrangments that it takes months for anything not in the court order.  I have requested clarification but my attorney say, "The judge will not order anything beyond'the ususal'".  So I have been unsuccessful in using any parenting plan on this site.

I pay support.  My ex didn't give me a chance to pay voluntarily.  My hearing notice arrived BEFORE my first paycheck.  Ex makes$ 53,000/yr.  I am currently on disability at $983/mo with two other kids to support and a DH who is fighting for SSD.  I pay $165/mo for two kids.  That is $150 current and $15 arrears.  This is AFTER a reduction for the two kids living with me.

I have EOW half of all Summers and half of all holidays.  I am told I should be grateful for what I have and that if I complain about the ex making visitation difficult and taking time from me by putting the kids in activities on my time the Judge may take away my summers and my joint legal.  I must use my attorney to iron out every holiday visitation and we go to court every June because the ex schedules something ( either a family vacation or scout camp) for my time.  He wins in 90% of the cases.

I don't have any advice for you.  That's obvious or I'd have used it myself!  LOL  I think the problem lies in the structure of the laws.  If we are plauged by these problems and want the pain and frustration to stop we must lobby the lawmakers.  These trial judges should not have as much discretion as they do.  All the CP has to do is hold out and not mediate anything.  They know your only option is to go to court and most of the time the judge gives the CP what  they want.  Where is the motivation to work anything out or to be reasonable.  You sound like a CP with your children's best interest at heart.  But as you know from your DH's situation not everyone is like you.  You should be lauded for your attitude.  But on the other hand;  these vindictive exes need to be punished for their games.  Until they are nothing will change and children will continue to suffer.  As my lawyer told me, " To you it is personal.  To the Judge it isn't personal.  He just doesn't want to deal with it.  He wants you all to go away.  He doesn't care if your children have the best.  Only that they have the minimum required by law."

How can you get good decisions out of someone who feels "it is not skin off my nose.  These people are keeping me off the golf course so I'm gonna write any decision just to get them off my back."?

[speciallady]

Fully agree and know what you are saying!
What baffles me or makes me just shake my head and well, not understand these things is...
there are also other folks involved when a parent denies visitation, or in our case, alienates the children enough to not want to visit--the extended family of the NCP.
These children have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, not to mention whatever extended family there might be with a new spouse---all folks who offer nothing but love and care and want nothing in return!

And I often think about when the children grow up and get married and have children of their own--the CP and NCP, whether the CP parent likes it or not, will be grandparents one day....the family cycle continuing through the generations, as it should be. What right does a CP have to take all that away from a NCP, as well? And for what??

It's like looking at the BIG picture here instead of immediate control-
I know the BM we deal with does not, nor has ever, thought of anyone but herself--very sad~

[momof2]

There are other "decent" CP's out there.

In the 12 years I've been divorced, I've only asked for a CS review once, which was a little over a year ago.  At that time I could have gotten an additional $420 a month in child support, but only asked for and had the agreement drawn up for an additional $150 a month.  My EX currently pays $50 less in support for two children than he would for only one.

My EX does carry insurance on the kids, and he is supposed to pay 1/2 of all medical expenses.  He pays his half maybe 10% of the time.

I allow my EX to see the kids anytime he wants.  We have a detailed visitation order, but neither of us has ever forced the other to adhere to it.  Any time the EX wants the kids, they are free to see him.

I work full time and always will.  I feel it is my duty as a parent to provide my children in addition to what the EX provides.  

In 12 years I have NEVER asked for the EX to pay for any extras beyond his child support and medical.  I'm not one of those CP's who is constantly asking the EX to pay 1/2 of sports, and other major expenses.  I always consider child support as his contribution.  Now, there have been a few times that he has "offered", but he's never carried through on the offer, and I never expect it.

My EX's new wife quit her job a couple of months after they married, and her EX has never paid child support on her two children.  They struggle to make ends meet every month, and are always close to losing their house and autos.  This is one of the main reasons my EX doesn't pay his portion of medical costs.  I don't begrudge my EX's wife for being a SAHM, it is her and the EX's choice, and I guess they are OK with being broke all of the time rather than her work.

There are times when my EX bad mouths me to our kids and anyone that will listen, like any time I mail him medical cost receipts asking for his 50% reimbursement, and when I did ask for a CS review he slandered me to the kids and all that would listen, even though I only asked for an additional $150 rather than $420 by the state guidelines.  It is also a struggle to get the new insurance cards every year because he doesn't want me to have a card that has his "new" families names on it (so he mutiliates the credit card type card, scratching off all names other than his own and our childrens).

My EX doesn't look at the fact that I agreed to a lower amount of child support.  He doesn't look at the fact that I am open to any visitation he wants, including making sure he has the kids when he wants on Christmas and other holidays.  In his eyes I am just a money hungry BM that takes money from his new family.  

My EX also feels that since I married a man that makes a good living that he should not have to pay so much in child support (once again not seeing that I agreed to a lower amount anyway).  He is constantly comparing our households and says that I don't need his child support.  I try to point out to him that it was his decision to marry someone and take on the total support of her two children as well as her be a SAHM.  He has made financial decisions that causes him to have a lower quality of life than my household, but he still should support his first two children.

So there are some CP's that do cut the NCP's breaks, yet they are still slandered as being nothing but money hungry.

[flewwellin]

My hubby pays 523.00 a month for 2 kids.  He is the NCP and we live in NC.  The kids live with their mother in PA (she took the kids and moved)  we rarely get to see the kids as well.  she stays home and doesn't work and the youngest 3yrs old is in DAYCARE!  And when the oldest 5 years old gets out of school she picks up the youngest and then takes them home.  thanksgiving 2004 she told DH that he couldn't see the kids although it was in the court order that it was his year, because he was 326$$  behind in child support.  he has never been late before that and she told him she either got her money or he didn't see the kids.  It was like she was holding the kids for ransom!  I called her up and got that straightened out.  I told her what had happened and that it wasn't DH's fault that it was actually the child support agency's fault.  (that's another story in itself)   so she doesn't work, the kids are in daycare/school, she gets all this money and threatens hubby that he won't see his kids because he is late on his payment due to a job change.  GRRRR...