ADVISE PLEASE!!!!!!

[sherrie ohio]

I need advise from someone thats dealt with a step-child in their life.My step-daughter has been showing a nasty atitude on and off for the past month.This past weekend she was here and by the time she left i was in tears.I have never been talk to or treated so nasty by a child in my life.I was talked back to,verbaly lashed out at and sometimes totaly tuned out.She was overheard telling our son about demons,ghost and spirts ect.I couldnt get her to do enything.I dont know where its comeing from,we have always had a pretty good relationship.Sometimes we butt heads here and there but nothing like this.To beat all when dad walks in she's a differant child,hug's for daddy,i love you daddy and none of the above sent his way.When asked why she was acting this way she just shrugged her shoulders and said i dont know.I know this sounds like a pitty party, butt what i listed isnt all,and i cant take much more weekends like this.We actuley found her standing hideing places to hear what we were talking about.(no matter what the subject was)She's been telling our son mom's going to do this for her,get her this and their going this fun place.With a tone of ha ha.I dont know what to do.ADVISE PLEASE!!!!!!!

[MixedBag]

My initial advice and thought was to suggest that for the next time she comes, carry around a small tape recorder in your pocket.  Turn it on when the time is right and play it back for the dad to hear what she's done so that he hears the difference.

Curb the private conversations while she's there temporarily and give her no situation where she finds an opportunity to be sneaky and listen in.

[Giggles]

How old is this child?  My guess around 10-13???  My X-SD did the same thing and my now X :-) bought every thing she said.  I got to the point where I just wouldn't deal with her anymore.  If she wanted anything, I told her to ask her father and since he was such a lazy sh!t, she learned real quick to be "nice" to me.
Have you spoken to your DH about this?  I tried talking to my X about the situation but naturally he took her side..it didn't help that his ideas were skrewed up to begin with.  He figured that MY children deserved a different punishment because they lived with us and since SD didn't she didn't have to have as harsh a punishment...grrr  Just remember she is a child and you're the adult.  You do NOT have to put up with this and you need to tell her flat out that it's disrespectful and until she can treat you correctly, she gets nothing from you.  You also have to let your DH know that you won't put up with it either.

[sherrie ohio]

Your guess was right on the age,she just turned ten.Dad worked half of the weekend.This child would hardly show eny of the shit she say or do to me,in front of dad.The most she'd show was tuneing me out when i asked her to do something or he'd see her tareing the house apart.She saved the worst stuff for when he was at work or cutting the grass ect.He'd confront her about it and all she say was okay.And as far as correcting her she got in real trouble once the whole weekend here.It started out problems with her telling our son weird shit,then went to smakeing him in the back of the head to this in one month.I told dad, i was makeing shure i and are son would be gone most of this comeing weekend.Untill something figured out.Why she doing this,and make some changes.She's grown real close to him in the time sense we've returned to ohio,maybe she see's me as an intrusion on her time with him.I dont know but it cant last.Thanks for listening and the advise everyone......

[dontunderstand]

My Sd is 7 and I will tell you what, I was so pissed the last weekend she was here.  She is turning into a little sociopath.  Talk about scary.  There is no conscience there.  DH and I are at wits end on what to do.  The difference between my situation and yours is that DH is not in denial.  He actually gets more pissed than I do!    We try to sensor ourselves because we do realize that BM "programs" her and tells her that we are not her family, she doesn't have to listen to us, she doesn't have to love us.  She tells her to call DH by his first name, etc.  The list goes on and on.  She is a mess.  We just try to be consistant.  Do the tape recorder thing to nip the parent splitting in the bud and get you and DH on the same page!  Good luck, if you ever need to talk, let me know...

[Sunshine1]

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[sherrie ohio]

I think my husband's deal is partly, he knows she's also is taught by her mother how to think and what to say.And he doesnt want to be seen as mean dad.But like you all said he's got to wake up and see how mixed up this child is.His statement to me was "wonder why she never pulls that kind of shit with me?"I wanted to scream!Tonight we found out she used dear old dad,got him to sighn something for school that was ment for mom.Which gave BM ,something to holler about.Things have to change soon or my hair is either going to be all gray or pulled out.And our son wonders why sis gets to do all this and he has to toe the line so to speak.He's a few years younger and acts older than she does.He's not perfect but he knows how to show respect.Thanks for the advise all ! It's nice to talk to people who know what your going through.

[dontunderstand]

I so know what you are going through!  DD just asked me this morning why SD does all of these things and doesn't get in as much trouble.  That is tough for me.  SD DOES get in trouble, but I guess DH and I are tougher on my DD  because she knows what we expect.  We have a much higher standard for our children than BM does for SD.  Which is sad.  She is already teaching her that it is okay not to go to school when you don't want to (she is 2nd grade) it is okay to not bath or take care of your personal appearence, she has even taught her that EVERYONE in this world is against her except dear old BM, even BM's parents "are mean"  what the hell?  She is telling her that it is okay to disrespect who ever she wants whenever she wants.  You know sheri, I so know what it is like to not want to be the "bad or mean parents" but if you don't demand/expect respect, you are not going to get it because I promise dear old mom isn't teaching it to her.  You know what is funny to me...we are "strict" parents, but we love our kids dearly.  We are forever doing "fun family things" with the girls, and yet BM will tell SD that she will give her the sun and the moon and alll the stars just to get her to not have a good experience.  Funny thing is that she does and then goes home with high expectations of the sun moon and stars and she will be lucky if she gets a glass of water!  Just keep being consistant, give her all the love you can, accompanied by limits boundries and expectations (KIDS CRAVE THIS!) and keep open honest communication with DH!  You will get through this!  And keep posting so you can vent!...

[sherrie ohio]

I dont know what to do enymore.A big part of me feels so bad for her,than there's this part that dreads seeing her come lately.All of this is a product of her upbringing,which dad has been left out of alot.But i cant live the rest of my life dealing with a nasty atitude from her.I told my husband tonight,this has to stop now before it gets worse.I wonder were this new degree of nastyness is comeing from.My cousin ,wondered if it wasnt because BM family seen us in town a couple times before this started and my SD was walking,jokeing and talking with me.My cousin thought was maybe they thought she was getting a little to close to me,and did somehting to change her atitude.I dont know why people dont see what there doing to these children when they play these head trips with them.I hope things get better soon, for you all to!

[dontunderstand]

It has ALOT to do with SD loving you and enjoying spending time with you.  It is for me too.  BM has threatened SD and told her it is NOT okay for her to like/love me and she isn't to spend time with me or DD, only DH.  That is not even an option.  This all started really bad after SD told me she loved me in front of BM.  DH and I spend tons of time with the kids doing family things. It just sucks because SD has had such a nasty attitude to me lately...we will just keep being consistant and let her know that her behavior is NOT okay and there will be consequences, but none the less we love her dearly...

[gipsy]

I went to a parenting class . The teacher told me if Mom And I were not on the same page as a united front , This child [My stepdaughter ) would play games  . She did and I divorced her  mom  < I could not take it , The mother [ex wife ] constantly took step daughters side And SD would smirk all over the house , When she got away with being a crap head , So I told the  Soon to be ex this has to straighten out or you have to go < She went . I told them both to hit the road ! I won't be disrespected By a child and have zero back up from the mother ! .
  This is a tough problem , Maybe  a tape recording will help  the father to understand the problem , If not, just tell the Dad its his visitation time he needs to watch her : Or just come up with other things to do "
  I will garuntee as the parenting class teacher told me " if you and the mother can't get it together as a united force the child will cause a divorce < and  That was a big part of it ,
  Maybe explain it to dad , And say look if You can't be united as adults on this than he will have to be the one to parent the child !  Teenagers are tough to deal with and if you have no control than its unbearable BTDT

[sherrie ohio]

We didn't  have his daughter this weekend,so we had a long........... talk.About stoping this before it got worse.Explained in detail what has been going on.How it was makeing me feel toward him and her,and decussed ways to change things.A big couple of items i  expressed i thought needed changed was, that he needed to back me up in front of her more.And he needed to take her with him on weekends when possible,because she mainly here to see him,not me.And im no longer going to ask her 4-to-5 times each time to do something.I'll ask her once then i'll take it to dad.I'm no longer going to stress myself out dealing with this new atitude.We are sheduled to have her this weekend I'll see how it goes.It has put a big strain on everything/everybody when she's here weekends.And it never use to be this way.I dont know....

[sherrie ohio]

My SD came for the weekend friday night.Dad was here so all was pretty still.Untill Dad went outside in the yard to feed the dog and lock up his car.While outside i told the kids to clean up and get ready for bed.When my SD took the chance to get nasty with me.Dad had just walked on the porch and caught the whole thing.And the look on her face when she knew she got caught.Let's just say dad has seen the light.At least i think he has.SD has been walking the straight path today.Dad has been keeping a close eye her and he has taken her with him if he leaves for eny amount of time.hopefully things will change some now.Of course the weekend isnt over yet!