When the child acts like the BM............LONG POST !!

[sherrie ohio]

My husband got a call from BM a few day's ago.She told my husband their child doesnt want to come for the next visitation.Because our child is mean to her,and put the daughter on the line to tell dad that to.
Wich the child did do,but turned around and also told my husband a brother there was hitting them in the private parts.
My husband was crushed ,he loves his children and wants to be able to spend as much time as posible with each one.And it hurt that they made our child out to be some little monster.
My child and step-child have been butting heads lately. My child has faught back lately and my step-child has took on the atitude that there's no rong on their part.It 's a case of teaseing,hitting,running away and hideing from sibling etc. and when our child saids something back or hit's back our child is the mean one.And SD feals they've done nothing rong to cause it.
We have tried  not take sides in any fight that the children have had.And do punish our child for any rong they do.
I feal that the BM has spoken so ill of me and my child,that SD has picked up on how she feals.And acting on it now.My husband is deeply worried that SD is going to go through life with the same feeling her mother has of poor me and everyone owe's me something.
We have talk with our child an explained that things had to change between them and their sibling and what would happen if it didnt.
I guess this has became a vent once again.But if enyone reading this has some input please feel free.....Thanks                                                      

[wendl]

How old is the child??? My husbands ex said on the stand that my stepkids did not like my son. WRONG, yes they fight and disagree like ALL sibllings (actually less than my sisters and I did)

I always tell ALL the kids, be YOURSELF not what you THINK mom/dad or anyone want you to be like, be YOURSELF, you have your own opinons (which count even if we disagree) you have a right to feel how YOU feel and so on, which has helped out in our household a lot.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[sherrie ohio]

My SD is pre-teen and our child is younger.We have talked to our child about their behavior and how things were going change while their sister was here.I dont know wich direction to go to fix things with these  kids.And to help my husband with his relationship with SD.
BM called AGAIN with a complaint from her and SD.It's becoming a real pick fest.The call was to do with him telling their daughter she needed to bring her book home at nights to study for a subject in school.And there was a BIG deal made of it.
We never point out their half bio. siblings and give as much time to her as our child when here together.I truely beleive this is BM try of changing SD feelings toward us,and its working.
We have always repected SD relationship with BM and any other person on that side of her family.And even took her out to buy things for that side,B-day's and hoildays ect.
I dont know where we are going wrong................

[Kboeds]

Just thought I would chime in on the subject. I have never had a problem with my kids getting along with my step children, I have been very lucky in that. My children have however complained about the things we do for my step children (which we only have 2 or 3 times a year for 1 to 2 weeks at a time.) My children are jealous of my DH's kids. No matter how much I try to explain to them that we only have them 4 or 5 weeks a year and they are much younger then my children it doesn't seem to matter.

My step kids are fine with my kids too although you would never know that if you spoke to their mother. She has complained that her children don't like my daughter because she is mean to them. (We all know that is total crap included the step kids.) The step kids said they don't know why their mom said that. (I'm sure they told her that to make her happy)

Are you able to talk to SD at all or does she already roll her eyes at you and DH every time you speak to her?

If you are able to talk to her, ask her exactly what it is that she is upset about? Ask her if she is really upset about them or is it more that her mom gets upset? (Only if you are really able to talk to her ask about mom, otherwise it will get back to her and make things worse.)
If SD says that she thinks you all are nicer to your kids then her, then ask how. Ask for examples and if she needs time to think of them, then give it to her. Once you have examples then work with each complaint individually.

You don't make your kids do their homework and I get in trouble.
This could be because the younger kids don't have homework, or some other reason. Ask if it would be better to her if the other kids were given and age appropriate project during her homework time, so that they would be busy doing something too.

Here is one from my daughter- You fix their plate and you don't do that for me.
They are 6 and 8... you are 14, you are plenty old enough to fix your own plate, they do not need to be climbing around a hot stove or messing with sharp knives.
It is for their safty that I do not allow them to fix their own plates yet. You on the other hand are old enough and big or tall enough to earn the freedom of making your own plate and getting to select how much of each thing you want.

You see where I'm going with this. Same goes for your kids, it may be possible that they are jealous of big sister too. Just find out what each of them are really feeling and what their real complaints are. Then talk about those complaints and determine if there is anything that can be done about them or if that is just the way things are and everyone needs to work together to make it happen. Let the kids know this is their opportunity to speak up and let you know what is bothering them so that you can all work on resolving the problem before it gets worse.

Hope this helps

KB

[sherrie ohio]

She doesn't roll her eyes,she laughs and tune's us out.We asked her to please listen and why something happen,she just laughs and saids "i dont know".I dont think she see's her picking or hitting as the reason our child fights back.
When their both here we give the same amount of time to each.When we go somewhere to eat our to buy something,they get equel voice in where and in the amount of money they get.
We still do for her as much as our child including getting her plate at meal time.There is a few things we do here that she doesnt have to do there.When their done with something we ask that they put it back where they found it,and to through rappers away when there done ect.They dont do that at her mom's,the house is totaly trashed.
We both feel this is a case of when she goes home BM pumps every little detail out of her in hopes of turning it around to look bad on us.Like the school subject,my husband Never raised his voice to her.He only told her he thought she should bring the book home at night to study more.And BM and SD said differant.
I realy do think that SD knows her BM and rest of that side doesnt like me or my son,and is acting on those feelings.And as far as talking to her about BM,she'd run so fast to BM to tell her, it make your head spin.
We have actualy caught SD hideing behind coners,in rooms and behind trees to hear what myself and DH where saying.And even stop playing in another room an be real quite to hear what we were talking about.And even looking in my personal papers and bills.
I dont know what to do to make things better,i'll try talking to her again.
We have bought things for her room,her personly,clothes etc.There is just as meny pic's on the wall as our child.I hang art she does up.What am i not doing?
My huband is afraid that SD wont want to come some time in the future at all.We dont have the money to change things in court,and i honestly beleive SD whould side with BM any how.
We talked to our child about how they feel,and about walking away when she makes them mad.We'll see what happens,another viset is just around the couner............

[sherrie ohio]

Well we had our frist viset sense all the calls,and it went better.But i also learned my worries and concern's were real.SD let several things out while here,with no help from us.BM and her family are saying things to her,in front of her about us.And asking question's about every detail of her viset.
But we also figured out SD used BM dislike of me and my child to her (SD)likeing.She found out her older sibling was going some were during the time of our viset and she used the whole fighting thing to get and stay home and go with her sibling there.
SD also let out she likes it at mom's because mom lets her watch T.v. all day if she wants.We dont,they are allowed to watch t.v.,but we beleive there should be playtime getting out and runnning,rideing bikes etc.and reading book's.Plus BM blows money every week on new toys and we dont.
And BM told SD to no longer talk to her DAD or show him anything to do with school.I truely am afraid of what each viset is going to bring to our home.Things get worse each time.
All i know is we are trying to make things better.We are working with our child on dealing with their sister.And spending more time with each.
I dont know how other people keep from going nut's dealing with this....

[Kboeds]

We do go nuts!!! Why do you think we are all on here venting? Kids need to learn that there are different rules in different houses. BM is purposely making you, DH and your son look bad to benefit herself.

SD is going to tell BM what ever will get her the most attention and the most prizes for good behavior (to BM that is bad mouthing al of you) If SD was to go home and say she loves you and your son and loves staying at dads house, BM would get mad and probably wouldn't buy her all the toys and things that she gets at home. If she tells BM she hates all of you and her visits, then she get specail attention and toys.

What would you do? Remember, she has to live with that woman so keeping her happy is probably very important.

We have told my SK's we don't care if you tell your mom what we do here, just don't lie to her. I think more often then not, BM takes what they tell her and twist it then gets the kids to believe that is the way it happened.

For instance, 12 yo SS is a bed wetter. In the beginning I beleived that this was somthing he had no control over and hopeful something he would grow out of. We only have them 4 or 5 weeks a year so there is no time for us to truely work with him on the problem.
As time went on I came to the conclusion that it is in fact something he could stop and chooses not to.
The first sign was one night I told the kids to get ready for bed before watching a movie. SS wears a pull-up to bed every night. When the movie was over, I told the kids it was time for bed and SS said he needed to change his pull-up. I ask why and he said because this one is wet. (Yes!!! he sat right there and wet himself while watching the movie)
The next sign was one morning he told us he was dry when he got up, but then I used it after I woke up. (Yes!! he again wet himself while awake)
Then he started coming to the breakfast table in we pull-ups and I make him leave the table and change before he is allowed to eat. I have told him he is way to old to be okay with sitting in a wet diaper!
BM said that SS had told her and the school that he didn't want to come to our house anymore because we punish him for being a bed wetter.

That is totally untrue!! We tell him when he is awake that it is discusting for him to sit around in a wet pull-up or wet himself while he is awake because he is being to lazy to go t the restroom. That has nothing to do with being a bed wetter. (it is easier for BM to let him sit around and wet himself then to work with him on breaking the problem.)
We have the same problem with 8 yo SD. Last time she stayed with us for two weeks, she went 7 nights with no pull-up and only wet the bed one night. I told her I was very proud of her and felt that she should start sleeping without a pull-up at home.
Last time we saw the kids, we had to go to them and stayed in a hotel. SD had pull-ups with her and put them on. She said she never went without them at home. (We are not the bad guys here, but BM makes sure we look like it!)


Sorry for the extra vent. LOL

You just have to stand your ground on the rules at your house. If you give into her then things will only get worse. Don't buy your children, just love them. They may stray, but one day they will see that you had their best interest at heart!

KB

[sherrie ohio]

My husband is ready to got nut's,he found out SD got caught stealing.He was so upset.And it gets made worse because he finds out this isn't the frist time.And the only wrong SD see's is she got caught.
He try's talking to her but she tone's him out.He took things away from her here.All that seem's to do ,is back up what BM tell's her that her dad's the bad parent.
I try to help him and SD as much as i can with the limit's put before me.But there is only so much i can help with being the step-parent.And the fact BM see's me at the root of all her problem's with my husband.
And to make thing's worse he find's  out she(SD) has gotten into other trouble to.It's been a fun winter...........Please let spring be bettter.

[msme]

This child needs to see a counselor. If her mother won't do it, your hubby may need to petition the court for it. The mother is not functioning in the best interest of the child & a good councelor will uncover that.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[4honor]

This child needs to have the board of education applied to her seat of knowledge... repeatedly and consistently.

And contrary to general consensus, it does positively affect a child even when you only see them 4 days a month.

Set the rules, set teh consequences and carry through. You won't be popular, but you may just save her life. Spoiled children are not only making others miserable, THEY ARE MISERABLE.

Counseling is too easy to fool at this stage. The kid can already play Mom and Dad, a counselor is nothing.

[msme]

The child definitely needs discipline. BUT & it is a big "but", from the sound of the ex, any attempt at discipline will be met with more PAS and a call to CPS. My son, his wife & I lived in fear of the "knock" at the door that might be CPS. Now their file has been marked as "victims of harassment, investigate fully before contact."

Granted, blending 8 children is a much more daunting task than blending 2 but the principles are the same. The children have an excellant therapist who is so helpful & that is what makes it work.

The first thing he reccommended was that spanking be reserved for very serious offenses. The children were told what constituted a very serious offense So there was no doubt that if they got spanked, they knew it was coming, the counselor approved & CPS couldn't argue.

He suggested that other offenses be treated by writing positive statements about the offense. It can be as simple as, "I know I must do as I am told", to something more complex.

One of my grandaughters, 9, finds writing simple sentences a joke & a challenge to see how quickly she can get it done. A while back, while spending the weekend with me, she was bullying the 2 little ones. I had her write 25 times, "I must try harder to treat all my brothers and sisters in a much nicer way, because I love them & they love me. That took all the fun out of it & that was the end of the bullying, that weekend.

The other part of the punishment is that until the writing is finished, they are in what he calls bootcamp mode. There is no time limit but the child is not permitted to do anything, except eat, sleep, go to school & church, & do homework & chores, until the assignment is finished. No friends, no fun, no nothing.

When they are not engaged in one of the above things, they sit at the kitchen table, with the paper & pencil in front of them. If they decide to sneak off to do something else, the amount goes up, by 25, each time.

I realize that it would be hard to work this on weekend visitation but a counselor will help find good solutions & their butt will be covered from the undermining by the other parent. Also, sooner or later, the child is going to let the counselor know that her mother is filling her head with all the crap & he/she will make a great witness in court.

Children crave discipline. When they do not get it, they continue to get in trouble trying to force the parent to act & give them the guidance & control they are lacking. That is why she is getting in trouble at her mothers home & in school.

They also need to work with the school counselor. They can also be a great asset to you & your child.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[sherrie ohio]

I dont know what will become of this child,she doesnt think of what will happen if she does something.She isnt getting any spankings for enything she does there.And I truely think the only thing she see's wrong out this is she got caught.When my husband would talk to her you can actuly see she was tuneing him out.
We make a big deal out of anything she does well,just like our child.My husband always try's to encourge her as much as possible.
She is a child that see's your love through how much you buy her and let her get by with.She doesnt like it when Dad sets limits,make's her clean up after herself,and try harder.
And i am afraid one day BM will get mad and try something.And most info we get on SD is from third party's.And she and BM are amazed that we have found out.And it's usealy some time after the fact.
We are on a very limited income,and lack the money to pay a lawyer.And if we go on our own the state pays for a lawyer for her.
And iv'e seen SD work people just like her mom does.She will lie to your face and keep lieing even when caught.Man i just dont know how much more of this i can take.It's an every viset ordeal.

[Kitty C.]

....the Love and Logic program.  It allows for 'natural consequences' and, if applied properly, will totally keep you off the hook where CPS/DHS is concerned.  The ONLY person that SD will realize she can be pissed at is HERSELF, becuase she caused the 'problem' in the first place.   Even if DHS were to be called, and you explain to the what you were doing by applying the program, they will understand immediately where the real problem is.  Because there's no loopholes in this program, it's that tight.

One thing to remember with this program is that you MUST be consistent and equal in your use of it.  Both paents in the home must be on board with it and it applies to all the children in the home, not just for the one who needs it most.  Most certainly, she will try different ways to 'engage' you to get her way, but if you effectively shut the door, she has no one to answer to but herself.  DS had been trying to pull one over on me regarding getting to school early (ie. me taking him instead of him riding the bus) and supposedly staying late.  When I caught him in a lie about staying late for a teacher, I e-mailed ALL of them and said they had to contact me ahead of time before he would come in early or stay late, then I informed DS.  He hasn't even bothered to try since then, since he realizes that we and ALL his teachers are on the same page with him.

I highly recommend this program!